It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
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