I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
This is my gift to your gina
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I have poison ivy on my dick
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
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