Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
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the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You coming home soon, man?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.