Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Hippo gnu deer
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Did I show you my penis last night?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day