Texts From Last Night · odysea13's Favorites

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.

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(504): Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone. http://tfl.nu/v2z6

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(415): View more from California

sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.

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(415): sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you. http://tfl.nu/c5wc

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(734): View more from Michigan

He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.

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(734): He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine. http://tfl.nu/5uk3

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(614): View more from Ohio

the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift

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(614): the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift http://tfl.nu/dh45

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(616): View more from Michigan

you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality

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(616): you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality http://tfl.nu/e7iy

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(727): View more from Florida

there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.

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(727): there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning. http://tfl.nu/6rsw

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(817): View more from Texas

He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): View more from Texas

Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): View more from Texas

Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

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(817): He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but... (1-817): Actually, she's fat now, so... (817): Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson. http://tfl.nu/7993

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(408): View more from California

My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.

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(408): My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me. http://tfl.nu/7zz8

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(406): View more from Montana

I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion

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(406): I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion http://tfl.nu/tw2a

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(316): View more from Kansas

I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.

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(316): I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina. http://tfl.nu/8zh1

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(209): View more from California

You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.

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(209): You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him. http://tfl.nu/xni0

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

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(617): She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her. http://tfl.nu/sdzd

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(954): View more from Florida

Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?

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(954): Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs? http://tfl.nu/j7df

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(316): View more from Kansas

Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.

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(316): Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her. http://tfl.nu/l2pb

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.

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(203): I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me. http://tfl.nu/grro

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(404): View more from Georgia

I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan

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(404): I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan http://tfl.nu/xldl

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(703): View more from Virginia

Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.

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(703): Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick. http://tfl.nu/xrlx

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?

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(250): You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you? http://tfl.nu/8g3a

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(720): View more from Colorado

I was the one passing out cake at the bars

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(720): I was the one passing out cake at the bars http://tfl.nu/ucfe

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(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

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(313): She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list. http://tfl.nu/ifsp

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.

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(973): i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun. http://tfl.nu/edf8

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(614): View more from Ohio

thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.

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(614): thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn. http://tfl.nu/sfhl

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(808): View more from Hawaii

she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous

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(808): she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous http://tfl.nu/8uf4

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

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(+44): Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand. http://tfl.nu/fdqs

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(940): View more from Texas

Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.

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(940): Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America. http://tfl.nu/rtd9

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(409): View more from Texas

Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.

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(409): Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me. http://tfl.nu/r0oo

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(801): View more from Utah

This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.

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(801): This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me. http://tfl.nu/7tsq

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(417): View more from Missouri

She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.

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(417): She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit. http://tfl.nu/3bxb

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(410): View more from Maryland

I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.

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(410): I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you. http://tfl.nu/qo8n

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(907): View more from Alaska

I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess

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(907): I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess http://tfl.nu/1h29

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.

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(407): I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex. http://tfl.nu/84ml

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(212): View more from New York

it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating

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(212): it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating http://tfl.nu/p848

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(209): View more from California

you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...

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(209): you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom... http://tfl.nu/nw55

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(440): View more from Ohio

Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"

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(440): Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little" http://tfl.nu/17w7

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(440): View more from Ohio

I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.

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(440): I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job. http://tfl.nu/xaqo

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(815): View more from Illinois

He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.

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(815): He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests. http://tfl.nu/wip0

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.

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(804): I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you. http://tfl.nu/q9i5

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(210): View more from Texas

If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.

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(210): If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings. http://tfl.nu/8q1l

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(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(417): Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever. http://tfl.nu/md7w

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(240): i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark. http://tfl.nu/ophf

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(514): View more from Quebec

maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge

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(514): maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge http://tfl.nu/8cfm

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(616): View more from Michigan

they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter

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(616): they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter http://tfl.nu/a4jz

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(253): View more from Washington

She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty

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(253): She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty http://tfl.nu/bhaz

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(941): View more from Florida

I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.

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(941): I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it. http://tfl.nu/6v2i

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(775): View more from Nevada

He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.

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(775): He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had. http://tfl.nu/a3aj

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(253): View more from Washington

No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions

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(253): No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions http://tfl.nu/59zh

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?

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(920): Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job? http://tfl.nu/emh8

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(513): View more from Ohio

Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.

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(513): Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything. http://tfl.nu/e1ys

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.

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(603): I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad. http://tfl.nu/5dfv

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(310): View more from California

so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.

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(310): so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood. http://tfl.nu/y4bu

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

As in ill only blow him next week

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(403): I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow (403): As in ill only blow him next week http://tfl.nu/dd9t

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(971): View more from Oregon

No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,

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(971): No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge, http://tfl.nu/hq9f

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(541): View more from Oregon

side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.

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(541): side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children. http://tfl.nu/bng1

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(302): View more from Delaware

this must be what syphilis tastes like

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(302): this must be what syphilis tastes like http://tfl.nu/o277

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.

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(717): One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date. http://tfl.nu/fy3f

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly

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(412): My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly http://tfl.nu/ipod

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(513): View more from Ohio

I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.

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(513): I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food. http://tfl.nu/mdny

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(503): View more from Oregon

If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family

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(503): If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family http://tfl.nu/rf5e

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(217): View more from Illinois

Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop

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(217): Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop http://tfl.nu/m1fy

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.

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(919): i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving. http://tfl.nu/oull

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(228): View more from Mississippi

thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"

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(228): thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God" http://tfl.nu/z3qu

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(850): View more from Florida

I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.

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(850): I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think. http://tfl.nu/r53a

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(936): View more from Texas

You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home

(254): View more from Texas

Challenge accepted.

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(936): You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home (254): Challenge accepted. http://tfl.nu/oaxm

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(513): View more from Ohio

New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.

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(513): New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity. http://tfl.nu/ob6h

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.

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(+44): I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating. http://tfl.nu/brik

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(302): View more from Delaware

I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress

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(302): I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress http://tfl.nu/yb5l

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(631): View more from New York

Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"

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(631): Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it" http://tfl.nu/tnve

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(407): View more from Florida

HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN

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(407): HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN http://tfl.nu/nyld

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(440): View more from Ohio

Hippo gnu deer

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(440): Hippo gnu deer http://tfl.nu/wuid

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.

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(814): He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well. http://tfl.nu/fer2

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(705): All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail. http://tfl.nu/tpxz

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(701): View more from North Dakota

So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster

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(701): So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster http://tfl.nu/imtg

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(661): View more from California

Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.

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(661): Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat. http://tfl.nu/08yi

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times

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(330): I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times http://tfl.nu/rqlm

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(512): View more from Texas

that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.

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(512): that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people. http://tfl.nu/5ebd

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(616): View more from Michigan

what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?

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(616): what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame? http://tfl.nu/ixm6

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club

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(717): he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club http://tfl.nu/6yea

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(315): View more from New York

mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?

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(315): mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!? http://tfl.nu/d0je

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(301): View more from Maryland

There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting

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(301): There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting http://tfl.nu/c2mi

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(973): View more from New Jersey

You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?

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(973): You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later? http://tfl.nu/a1oo

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.

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(262): I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old. http://tfl.nu/6kgo

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(205): View more from Alabama

That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".

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(205): That's why they call him "the cheesegrater". http://tfl.nu/ctav

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.

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(719): I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever. http://tfl.nu/sr0q

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(818): View more from California

What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?

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(818): What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction? http://tfl.nu/asxf

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(818): View more from California

Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.

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(818): Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right. http://tfl.nu/8nul

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(731): View more from Tennessee

I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.

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(731): I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one. http://tfl.nu/nuy4

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(804): View more from Virginia

He likes Jesus. Game over.

(804): View more from Virginia

Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.

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(804): He likes Jesus. Game over. (804): Oooh wait, he just told me he was high. http://tfl.nu/lcdj

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(516): View more from New York

They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.

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(516): They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were. http://tfl.nu/skxs

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(812): View more from Indiana

Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...

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(812): Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this... http://tfl.nu/q2aq

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(775): View more from Nevada

At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.

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(775): At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive. http://tfl.nu/xg7u

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(707): View more from California

I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.

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(707): I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/x6ut

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.

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(717): He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home. http://tfl.nu/aglq

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(519): View more from Ontario

and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?

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(519): and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra? http://tfl.nu/qq09

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(803): View more from South Carolina

If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now

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(803): If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now http://tfl.nu/b5gc

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(516): View more from New York

i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.

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(516): i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me. http://tfl.nu/fl66

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"

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(612): He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?" http://tfl.nu/lotk

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations

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(609): Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations http://tfl.nu/c8fe

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.

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(724): An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god. http://tfl.nu/gzqy

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(954): View more from Florida

My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him

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(954): My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him http://tfl.nu/f43y

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(301): View more from Maryland

He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles

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(301): He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles http://tfl.nu/qmb2

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(989): View more from Michigan

is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?

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(989): is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off? http://tfl.nu/j7cy

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(734): View more from Michigan

THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?

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(734): THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!? http://tfl.nu/2mg7

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.

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(610): I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again. http://tfl.nu/bt9u

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(310): View more from California

The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.

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(310): The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit. http://tfl.nu/agun

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.

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(402): Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples. http://tfl.nu/nrga

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(281): View more from Texas

My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone

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(281): My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone http://tfl.nu/zfoz

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(904): View more from Florida

hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.

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(904): hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway. http://tfl.nu/oo0k

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(518): View more from New York

it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone

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(518): it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone http://tfl.nu/gzqw

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.

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(832): Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella. http://tfl.nu/o5ml

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(971): View more from Oregon

I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.

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(971): I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again. http://tfl.nu/g2lj

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(518): View more from New York

bad decision saturdays are such a good decision

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(518): bad decision saturdays are such a good decision http://tfl.nu/ffui

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them

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(708): I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them http://tfl.nu/hbhk

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(815): View more from Illinois

The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.

(928): View more from Arizona

wow.

(815): View more from Illinois

But it's a REALLY good back rub.

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(815): The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub. (928): wow. (815): But it's a REALLY good back rub. http://tfl.nu/3vfg

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(919): View more from North Carolina

its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.

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(919): its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night. http://tfl.nu/phgw

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(617): I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again. http://tfl.nu/qw6q

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(519): View more from Ontario

DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.

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(519): DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS. http://tfl.nu/77gw

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(250): View more from British Columbia

How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?

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(250): How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time? http://tfl.nu/zyvh

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(305): View more from Florida

he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink

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(305): he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink http://tfl.nu/w0ij

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(510): View more from California

just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?

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(510): just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i? http://tfl.nu/gdnc

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(248): View more from Michigan

either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.

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(248): either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her. http://tfl.nu/6guc

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(303): View more from Colorado

So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?

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(303): So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door? http://tfl.nu/on5x

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(843): View more from South Carolina

throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

since when the fuck is that glamorous?

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(843): throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected (1-843): since when the fuck is that glamorous? http://tfl.nu/4ixl

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(917): View more from New York City

How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?

(1-917): View more from New York City

I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian

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(917): How do you have time to get laid so much in law school? (1-917): I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian http://tfl.nu/71w8

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!

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(832): How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?! http://tfl.nu/iqkb

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(678): View more from Georgia

For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.

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(678): For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you. http://tfl.nu/2vfg

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid

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(814): its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid http://tfl.nu/99tk

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful

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(414): I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful http://tfl.nu/jkok

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(910): View more from North Carolina

the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.

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(910): the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door. http://tfl.nu/3iyk

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.

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(+44): Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/nkcl

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(847): View more from Illinois

there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check

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(847): there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check http://tfl.nu/dzvq

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...

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(781): I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet... http://tfl.nu/t0x0

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(573): View more from Missouri

Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it

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(573): Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it http://tfl.nu/okq1

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(917): View more from New York City

was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?

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(917): was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him? http://tfl.nu/um4o

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(360): View more from Washington

I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.

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(360): I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true. http://tfl.nu/2syb

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend

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(204): Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend http://tfl.nu/gyj1

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(360): View more from Washington

She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.

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(360): She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real. http://tfl.nu/qt2q

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.

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(978): I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver. http://tfl.nu/zig6

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(303): View more from Colorado

Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.

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(303): Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face. http://tfl.nu/aa6s

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.

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(405): You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's. http://tfl.nu/922r

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun

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(501): Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun http://tfl.nu/8fzd

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why

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(507): I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why http://tfl.nu/wixc

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(919): View more from North Carolina

If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.

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(919): If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today. http://tfl.nu/n74k

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(806): View more from Texas

And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...

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(806): And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice... http://tfl.nu/3gqd

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(631): View more from New York

I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.

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(631): I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise. http://tfl.nu/lz74

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(443): View more from Maryland

yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism

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(443): yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism http://tfl.nu/7zps

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(513): View more from Ohio

She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"

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(513): She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli" http://tfl.nu/zw4q

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(410): View more from Maryland

He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...

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(410): He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone... http://tfl.nu/g061

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(316): View more from Kansas

Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.

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(316): Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth. http://tfl.nu/ew3b

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(514): View more from Quebec

Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.

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(514): Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat. http://tfl.nu/flst

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.

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(+44): I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't. http://tfl.nu/8pi1

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?

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(508): Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"? http://tfl.nu/9ial

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.

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(502): I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean. http://tfl.nu/5uk0

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.

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(401): No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point. http://tfl.nu/wyuo

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(347): View more from New York

today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud

(917): View more from New York City

it's sad that this is a milestone

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(347): today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud (917): it's sad that this is a milestone http://tfl.nu/b89x

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(480): View more from Arizona

Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.

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(480): Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck. http://tfl.nu/qoqh

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....

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(215): Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour.... http://tfl.nu/achx

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(845): View more from New York

I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.

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(845): I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties. http://tfl.nu/q6j5

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it

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(814): well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it http://tfl.nu/ljcc

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(631): View more from New York

She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.

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(631): She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other. http://tfl.nu/8uqn

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(804): View more from Virginia

Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?

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(804): Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night? http://tfl.nu/x7lh

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?

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(832): Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him? http://tfl.nu/7fnz

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(803): View more from South Carolina

If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat

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(803): If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat http://tfl.nu/80p4

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(206): View more from Washington

I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.

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(206): I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick. http://tfl.nu/yyxj

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(716): View more from New York

I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.

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(716): I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing. http://tfl.nu/wqpy

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(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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(727): I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying" http://tfl.nu/wtiy

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.

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(330): I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now. http://tfl.nu/yqbr

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(706): View more from Georgia

You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....

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(706): You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there.... http://tfl.nu/cfkl

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(315): View more from New York

when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'

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(315): when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly' http://tfl.nu/2ku4

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Because we had sex in one.

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(919): Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory? (1-919): Because we had sex in one. http://tfl.nu/y2am

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?

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(218): Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'? http://tfl.nu/wgpy

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(613): View more from Ontario

you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.

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(613): you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun. http://tfl.nu/3wdo

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.

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(612): Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us. http://tfl.nu/wdqz

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(818): View more from California

Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO

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(818): Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO http://tfl.nu/je4r

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(305): View more from Florida

Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.

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(305): Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer. http://tfl.nu/0a2y

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(254): View more from Texas

Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.

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(254): Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital. http://tfl.nu/9aes

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(618): View more from Illinois

My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.

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(618): My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has. http://tfl.nu/36lp

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.

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(570): he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough. http://tfl.nu/fko8

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(225): View more from Louisiana

If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.

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(225): If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/axif

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands

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(412): I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands http://tfl.nu/w6ka

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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(978): Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?" http://tfl.nu/0wwp

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(516): View more from New York

I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship

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(516): I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship http://tfl.nu/9ygn

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(256): View more from Alabama

she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump

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(256): she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump http://tfl.nu/on8v

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(561): View more from Florida

He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.

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(561): He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line. http://tfl.nu/pwiz

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(775): View more from Nevada

you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.

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(775): you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook. http://tfl.nu/f57q

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.

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(+44): Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here. http://tfl.nu/0a2t

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?

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(330): Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling? http://tfl.nu/xujd

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth

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(402): I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth http://tfl.nu/es05

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.

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(715): Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester. http://tfl.nu/dlm3

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(817): View more from Texas

Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.

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(817): Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was. http://tfl.nu/0op6

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(708): View more from Illinois

bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.

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(708): bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not. http://tfl.nu/0qt3

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(816): He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork. http://tfl.nu/6zkt

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(909): View more from California

Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?

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(909): Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person? http://tfl.nu/yet0

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!

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(604): Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car! http://tfl.nu/7dcx

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(432): View more from Texas

He looks like he has a penis

(210): View more from Texas

What the fuck

(432): View more from Texas

A good one, a good penis

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(432): He looks like he has a penis (210): What the fuck (432): A good one, a good penis http://tfl.nu/0vhk

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(425): View more from Washington

four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone

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(425): four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone http://tfl.nu/zkvp

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number

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(709): a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number http://tfl.nu/syte

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(903): View more from Texas

I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.

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(903): I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk. http://tfl.nu/07kh

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(631): View more from New York

OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester

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(631): OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester http://tfl.nu/vz3v

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.

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(412): Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country. http://tfl.nu/04vq

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(210): View more from Texas

I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.

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(210): I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom. http://tfl.nu/a1h2

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(248): View more from Michigan

about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.

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(248): about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me. http://tfl.nu/tnbf

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(514): View more from Quebec

theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero

(514): View more from Quebec

like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride

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(514): theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero (514): like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride http://tfl.nu/mbnj

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(469): View more from Texas

I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"

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(469): I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?" http://tfl.nu/ut0z

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.

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(814): Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now. http://tfl.nu/xg11

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(480): View more from Arizona

this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.

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(480): this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking. http://tfl.nu/0htm

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in

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(709): its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in http://tfl.nu/vymu

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?

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(+44): Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill? http://tfl.nu/844o

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(713): View more from Texas

Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?

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(713): Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order? http://tfl.nu/nfxj

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I supposed to find that romantic?

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(412): I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts (1-412): Am I supposed to find that romantic? http://tfl.nu/carb

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.

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(250): Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late. http://tfl.nu/oeer

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(206): View more from Washington

My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.

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(206): My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas. http://tfl.nu/jpxs

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(513): View more from Ohio

If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would

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(513): If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would http://tfl.nu/dfsx

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(912): View more from Georgia

I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her

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(912): I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her http://tfl.nu/j3sh

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(913): View more from Kansas

When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.

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(913): When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking. http://tfl.nu/uh2g

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(727): View more from Florida

He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.

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(727): He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god. http://tfl.nu/zb23

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(678): View more from Georgia

She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever

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(678): She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever http://tfl.nu/ozbc

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was

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(919): I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was http://tfl.nu/prge

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(408): View more from California

I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom

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(408): I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom http://tfl.nu/1a6p

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(716): View more from New York

your facebook page is a work of drunk art.

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(716): your facebook page is a work of drunk art. http://tfl.nu/2ehc

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(208): View more from Idaho

Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time

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(208): Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time http://tfl.nu/nmkk

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(514): View more from Quebec

he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.

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(514): he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come. http://tfl.nu/c1dt

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(602): View more from Arizona

for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.

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(602): for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me. http://tfl.nu/jxdy

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(312): You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer. http://tfl.nu/l87h

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(283): View more from Ohio

she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.

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(283): she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love. http://tfl.nu/fwj8

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(979): View more from Texas

How sober do you have to be to donate blood?

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(979): How sober do you have to be to donate blood? http://tfl.nu/9d8c

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.

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(864): I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized. http://tfl.nu/3fi2

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.

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(717): this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl. http://tfl.nu/auau

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(850): View more from Florida

You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer

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(850): You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer http://tfl.nu/uk5v

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job

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(860): I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job http://tfl.nu/ok5l

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(212): View more from New York

Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.

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(212): Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many. http://tfl.nu/dbug

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.

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(724): I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head. http://tfl.nu/4vvd

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(305): View more from Florida

and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him

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(305): and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him http://tfl.nu/st8n

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(206): View more from Washington

After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.

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(206): After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team. http://tfl.nu/bf8i

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(214): View more from Texas

Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.

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(214): Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree. http://tfl.nu/bwsc

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.

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(615): I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag. http://tfl.nu/vhx8

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(940): View more from Texas

now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place

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(940): now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place http://tfl.nu/nwqq

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(661): View more from California

I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

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(661): I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me http://tfl.nu/2y9m

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(906): View more from Michigan

nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life

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(906): nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life http://tfl.nu/phhm

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(315): View more from New York

I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.

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(315): I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine. http://tfl.nu/7gi6

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(425): View more from Washington

After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.

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(425): After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake. http://tfl.nu/nvef

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(707): View more from California

frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.

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(707): frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it. http://tfl.nu/00co

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(317): View more from Indiana

You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice

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(317): You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice http://tfl.nu/bo72

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(512): View more from Texas

this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on

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(512): this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on http://tfl.nu/vnoj

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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(859): I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you. http://tfl.nu/a48g

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.

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(307): Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor. http://tfl.nu/j4rc

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait

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(614): I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait http://tfl.nu/idzg

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(802): View more from Vermont

My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".

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(802): My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary". http://tfl.nu/h26g

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(951): View more from California

We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.

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(951): We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie. http://tfl.nu/3rqj

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(941): View more from Florida

there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.

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(941): there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship. http://tfl.nu/bd1c

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(360): View more from Washington

We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.

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(360): We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced. http://tfl.nu/trxy

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?

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(778): Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight? http://tfl.nu/8s8e

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack

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(203): you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack http://tfl.nu/hvnz

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(315): View more from New York

I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.

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(315): I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite. http://tfl.nu/f93w

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(574): View more from Indiana

I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids

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(574): I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids http://tfl.nu/kt7c

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(716): View more from New York

You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.

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(716): You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy. http://tfl.nu/mzkt

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(303): View more from Colorado

Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic

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(303): Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic http://tfl.nu/n8k4

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(207): View more from Maine

FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.

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(207): FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS. http://tfl.nu/a3c7

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(615): View more from Tennessee

he fucked my hip out of place.

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(615): he fucked my hip out of place. http://tfl.nu/0lgh

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(914): View more from New York

I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.

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(914): I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life. http://tfl.nu/ku4v

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first

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(902): Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first http://tfl.nu/v8bw

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will

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(321): okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will http://tfl.nu/hfgh

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(703): View more from Virginia

rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit

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(703): rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit http://tfl.nu/mkks

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.

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(763): Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night. http://tfl.nu/r7p2

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers

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(252): I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers http://tfl.nu/269f

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(860): View more from Connecticut

That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog

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(860): That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog http://tfl.nu/ckju

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(518): I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being. http://tfl.nu/lv2s

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"

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(412): She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan" http://tfl.nu/9he5

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(904): View more from Florida

my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.

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(904): my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower. http://tfl.nu/bnhm

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(804): View more from Virginia

Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"

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(804): Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?" http://tfl.nu/agco

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad

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(+64): i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad http://tfl.nu/7gyh

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.

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(317): Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will. http://tfl.nu/znpi

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.

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(978): apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material. http://tfl.nu/gr1e

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(512): View more from Texas

If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.

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(512): If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department. http://tfl.nu/ppwl

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.

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(709): It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me. http://tfl.nu/jsip

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(954): View more from Florida

I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.

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(954): I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee. http://tfl.nu/z4i3

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(650): View more from California

You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...

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(650): You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom... http://tfl.nu/m3m8

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(520): View more from Arizona

New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.

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(520): New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do. http://tfl.nu/6kks

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(314): View more from Missouri

I drank myself into bisexuality again.

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(314): I drank myself into bisexuality again. http://tfl.nu/eg45

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(905): View more from Ontario

I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd

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(905): I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd http://tfl.nu/je1e

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.

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(908): I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest. http://tfl.nu/fc4o

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(440): View more from Ohio

I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.

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(440): I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues. http://tfl.nu/ej4i

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(408): View more from California

You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.

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(408): You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree. http://tfl.nu/igom

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(313): View more from Michigan

he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7

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(313): he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7 http://tfl.nu/fzvy

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney

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(215): Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney http://tfl.nu/cbnm

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(712): View more from Iowa

Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.

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(712): Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore. http://tfl.nu/hjm6

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool

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(339): he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool http://tfl.nu/n767

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(210): View more from Texas

Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...

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(210): Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend... http://tfl.nu/o37o

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(520): View more from Arizona

I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.

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(520): I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training. http://tfl.nu/cz3b

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(865): View more from Tennessee

all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.

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(865): all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink. http://tfl.nu/yxat

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(217): View more from Illinois

he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids

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(217): he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids http://tfl.nu/l2up

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(801): View more from Utah

Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes

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(801): Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes http://tfl.nu/lgb8

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.

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(202): That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence. http://tfl.nu/ugku

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.

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(973): They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos. http://tfl.nu/2qr6

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(314): View more from Missouri

He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.

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(314): He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary. http://tfl.nu/wb27

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(314): View more from Missouri

So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.

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(314): So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher. http://tfl.nu/3c6s

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(301): View more from Maryland

The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.

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(301): The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend. http://tfl.nu/xomb

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it

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(940): I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it http://tfl.nu/c2d6

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(830): View more from Texas

He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.

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(830): He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net. http://tfl.nu/ybxr

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(404): View more from Georgia

and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.

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(404): and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this. http://tfl.nu/r1ft

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(315): View more from New York

i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today

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(315): i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today http://tfl.nu/vzvz

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(404): View more from Georgia

All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.

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(404): All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time. http://tfl.nu/nzqv

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(480): View more from Arizona

I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours

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(480): I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours http://tfl.nu/lbg0

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(501): View more from Arkansas

First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.

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(501): First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come. http://tfl.nu/qjzy

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it was like getting a handjob from robocop

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(412): it was like getting a handjob from robocop http://tfl.nu/4yuu

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(727): View more from Florida

Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.

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(727): Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water. http://tfl.nu/rvne

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.

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(901): i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation. http://tfl.nu/cktw

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(212): View more from New York

He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall

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(212): He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall http://tfl.nu/usfu

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(817): View more from Texas

Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?

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(817): Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect? http://tfl.nu/gdtt

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(315): View more from New York

I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.

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(315): I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen. http://tfl.nu/w329

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(716): View more from New York

I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.

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(716): I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one. http://tfl.nu/p9u2

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(516): View more from New York

I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.

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(516): I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick. http://tfl.nu/gzhw

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma

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(484): I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma http://tfl.nu/d8kr

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message

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(505): Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message http://tfl.nu/azaf

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin

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(610): just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin http://tfl.nu/q7yy

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(801): View more from Utah

He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.

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(801): He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark. http://tfl.nu/qvx8

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.

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(262): I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick. http://tfl.nu/emch

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(646): View more from New York

when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.

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(646): when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed. http://tfl.nu/4c6n

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.

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(403): I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants. http://tfl.nu/wgp8

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(978): I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now. http://tfl.nu/xddc

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(720): View more from Colorado

I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match

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(720): I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match http://tfl.nu/pm5g

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?

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(704): Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year? http://tfl.nu/w9x5

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(765): View more from Indiana

He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.

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(765): He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame. http://tfl.nu/5bwq

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(518): View more from New York

I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward

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(518): I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward http://tfl.nu/3430

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(323): View more from California

Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?

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(323): Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang? http://tfl.nu/58hv

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(360): View more from Washington

I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.

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(360): I'll bring the barf blanket just in case. http://tfl.nu/d0c2

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(419): View more from Ohio

So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1

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(419): So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1 http://tfl.nu/tz8w

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(845): View more from New York

Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.

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(845): Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again. http://tfl.nu/z1x4

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Well now I have my semen on her headphones

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(203): Well now I have my semen on her headphones http://tfl.nu/hho2

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.

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(501): I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus. http://tfl.nu/lpxj

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(415): View more from California

And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!

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(415): And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?! http://tfl.nu/ikec

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(408): View more from California

He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this

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(408): He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this http://tfl.nu/m93u

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(315): View more from New York

I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.

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(315): I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night. http://tfl.nu/7th0

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(240): View more from Maryland

Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces

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(240): Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces http://tfl.nu/jwb7

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(208): View more from Idaho

What's a "vodkaffle"?

(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.

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(208): What's a "vodkaffle"? (608): It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix. http://tfl.nu/84eu

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(765): View more from Indiana

My grandma had to be escorted out by police.

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(765): My grandma had to be escorted out by police. http://tfl.nu/ipgw

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(706): View more from Georgia

My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday

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(706): My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday http://tfl.nu/gbim

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.

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(262): it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day. http://tfl.nu/nryu

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(415): View more from California

I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does

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(415): I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does http://tfl.nu/67y4

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(301): View more from Maryland

i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.

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(301): i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk. http://tfl.nu/vlxs

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(229): View more from Georgia

You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.

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(229): You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right. http://tfl.nu/bvcn

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(720): View more from Colorado

He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.

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(720): He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED. http://tfl.nu/xnx5

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(989): View more from Michigan

you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin

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(989): you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin http://tfl.nu/ftsd

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.

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(405): Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues. http://tfl.nu/ux3u

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(315): View more from New York

I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in

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(315): I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in http://tfl.nu/b3qn

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(208): View more from Idaho

Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese

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(208): Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese http://tfl.nu/a9is

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(949): View more from California

shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...

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(949): shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do... http://tfl.nu/qae9

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(315): View more from New York

I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"

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(315): I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night" http://tfl.nu/prxk

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(303): View more from Colorado

It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.

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(303): It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore. http://tfl.nu/nzed

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(720): View more from Colorado

After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.

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(720): After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards. http://tfl.nu/zyl3

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(912): View more from Georgia

His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.

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(912): His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding. http://tfl.nu/9x22

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(801): View more from Utah

The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts

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(801): The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts http://tfl.nu/uckw

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(702): View more from Nevada

No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.

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(702): No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up. http://tfl.nu/ztp2

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(419): View more from Ohio

then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"

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(419): then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!" http://tfl.nu/taup

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(845): View more from New York

her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.

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(845): her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together. http://tfl.nu/creu

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(919): View more from North Carolina

everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.

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(919): everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle. http://tfl.nu/lm2e

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(703): View more from Virginia

Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day

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(703): Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day http://tfl.nu/hrk3

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(913): View more from Kansas

You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .

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(913): You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" . http://tfl.nu/nj3u

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face

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(609): Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face http://tfl.nu/s45z

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(530): View more from California

the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.

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(530): the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been. http://tfl.nu/so6l

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.

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(704): You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view. http://tfl.nu/adtw

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(519): View more from Ontario

What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?

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(519): What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand? http://tfl.nu/srza

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.

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(215): The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law. http://tfl.nu/o7ax

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(419): View more from Ohio

Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.

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(419): Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off. http://tfl.nu/9bhr

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

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(250): you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday". http://tfl.nu/bzic

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(865): View more from Tennessee

just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.

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(865): just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke. http://tfl.nu/o9qp

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(609): View more from New Jersey

My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.

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(609): My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count. http://tfl.nu/d5s2

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(808): View more from Hawaii

you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe

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(808): you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe http://tfl.nu/mori

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(407): View more from Florida

And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.

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(407): And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword. http://tfl.nu/gcmk

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(228): View more from Mississippi

yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.

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(228): yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight. http://tfl.nu/g16n

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(708): View more from Illinois

Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?

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(708): Someone played tic tac toe on my abs? http://tfl.nu/19a9

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(253): View more from Washington

You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.

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(253): You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow. http://tfl.nu/kcye

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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(202): you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry. http://tfl.nu/e7cu

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(716): View more from New York

You can't have your penis and eat it, too.

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(716): You can't have your penis and eat it, too. http://tfl.nu/3eoi

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(716): View more from New York

Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera

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(716): Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera http://tfl.nu/ouai

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(419): View more from Ohio

Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.

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(419): Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night. http://tfl.nu/v4wy

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(937): View more from Ohio

also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.

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(937): also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner. http://tfl.nu/f3ww

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze

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(402): Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze http://tfl.nu/3a8k

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(913): View more from Kansas

The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.

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(913): The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight. http://tfl.nu/vdus

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.

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(508): Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now. http://tfl.nu/sqxt

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(631): View more from New York

I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me

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(631): I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me http://tfl.nu/684j

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(925): View more from California

I hope this adventure ends at a hospital

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(925): I hope this adventure ends at a hospital http://tfl.nu/tvb7

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(904): View more from Florida

masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap

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(904): masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap http://tfl.nu/sdgt

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(310): View more from California

If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is

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(310): If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is http://tfl.nu/w3co

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(201): View more from New Jersey

dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla

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(201): dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla http://tfl.nu/0yq4

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time

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(401): Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time http://tfl.nu/icsx

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.

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(570): I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever. http://tfl.nu/cjv6

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(804): View more from Virginia

They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.

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(804): They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones. http://tfl.nu/bfce

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.

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(413): All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet. http://tfl.nu/zopf

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(864): View more from South Carolina

just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.

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(864): just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring. http://tfl.nu/qf1b

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...

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(403): I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass... http://tfl.nu/21fm

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(310): View more from California

how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.

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(310): how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year. http://tfl.nu/ig11

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(613): View more from Ontario

Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.

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(613): Will you be topless? That will affect my answer. http://tfl.nu/lf7u

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(647): View more from Ontario

She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.

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(647): She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters. http://tfl.nu/h38s

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(712): View more from Iowa

Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer

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(712): Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer http://tfl.nu/7yso

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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(412): he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor. http://tfl.nu/z7yu

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during

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(541): I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during http://tfl.nu/1ah0

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(801): View more from Utah

Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.

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(801): Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with. http://tfl.nu/sran

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.

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(580): He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics. http://tfl.nu/564h

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(314): View more from Missouri

the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.

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(314): the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier. http://tfl.nu/vyfv

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(408): View more from California

his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out

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(408): his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out http://tfl.nu/n59r

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(702): View more from Nevada

i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life

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(702): i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life http://tfl.nu/bh2z

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(631): View more from New York

He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.

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(631): He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer. http://tfl.nu/ikr9

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Really* awful people.

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(215): I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people. (215): Really* awful people. http://tfl.nu/94fn

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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(603): i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't. http://tfl.nu/rtpf

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(432): View more from Texas

the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel

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(432): the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel http://tfl.nu/t4be

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(314): hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then? (636): Yup. (314): Yup. http://tfl.nu/bp2u

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(519): View more from Ontario

We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.

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(519): We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job. http://tfl.nu/nll9

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(270): View more from Kentucky

my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday

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(270): my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday http://tfl.nu/iucl

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(614): View more from Ohio

every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.

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(614): every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with. http://tfl.nu/j96s

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.

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(419): I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem. http://tfl.nu/zh9s

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(650): View more from California

I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.

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(650): I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it. http://tfl.nu/8v3x

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(850): View more from Florida

HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.

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(850): HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF. http://tfl.nu/8qce

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(310): View more from California

She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.

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(310): She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing. http://tfl.nu/wr7g

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(713): View more from Texas

I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic

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(713): I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic http://tfl.nu/5us9

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.

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(910): He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment. http://tfl.nu/t1og

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.

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(+64): And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical. http://tfl.nu/yu5v

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(360): View more from Washington

No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.

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(360): No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling. http://tfl.nu/gf5w

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(708): View more from Illinois

i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life

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(708): i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life http://tfl.nu/nn4z

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.

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(412): This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun. http://tfl.nu/9a4x

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(443): View more from Maryland

He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.

(315): View more from New York

You would pick up a guy in AA.

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(443): He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me. (315): You would pick up a guy in AA. http://tfl.nu/v9fc

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(801): View more from Utah

As long as you're not dating white guys again.

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(801): As long as you're not dating white guys again. http://tfl.nu/e0lw

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(330): View more from Ohio

He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating

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(330): He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating http://tfl.nu/fig2

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(712): View more from Iowa

I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.

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(712): I just negotiated a blow job for an interview. http://tfl.nu/ow0d

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...

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(414): Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes... http://tfl.nu/m3ok

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(830): View more from Texas

we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient

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(830): we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient http://tfl.nu/vzth

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(609): View more from New Jersey

is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?

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(609): is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact? http://tfl.nu/ny5t

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(+32): View more from Belgium

this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk

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(+32): this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk http://tfl.nu/muj2

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(520): View more from Arizona

I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth

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(520): I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth http://tfl.nu/4taz

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(804): View more from Virginia

you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth

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(804): you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth http://tfl.nu/ftsz

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(516): View more from New York

There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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(516): There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face http://tfl.nu/9y4h

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.

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(479): I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics. http://tfl.nu/bo11

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.

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(865): Now go wash the fat girl off your hands. http://tfl.nu/sym9

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(812): View more from Indiana

obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date

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(812): obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date http://tfl.nu/sjjn

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(626): View more from California

It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.

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(626): It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/eowy

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(804): View more from Virginia

it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate

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(804): it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate http://tfl.nu/8imj

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(360): View more from Washington

We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.

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(360): We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times. http://tfl.nu/t6mj

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(315): View more from New York

apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.

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(315): apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food. http://tfl.nu/ofln

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.

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(617): Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here. http://tfl.nu/6cd7

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(315): View more from New York

i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

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(315): i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over. http://tfl.nu/n0ys

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(206): View more from Washington

it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster

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(206): it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster http://tfl.nu/ujaf

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(443): View more from Maryland

they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them

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(443): they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them http://tfl.nu/300a

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

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(321): You could give me a blowjob later? :) (1-321): I meant do something romantic.. (321): Blowjob In the moonlight? http://tfl.nu/na1u

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(250): View more from British Columbia

It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group

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(250): It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group http://tfl.nu/b8ix

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment

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(608): we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment http://tfl.nu/hmt1

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(315): View more from New York

I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.

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(315): I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse. http://tfl.nu/tyw2

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(520): View more from Arizona

Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?

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(520): Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right? http://tfl.nu/vsia

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(540): View more from Virginia

My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.

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(540): My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things. http://tfl.nu/x5j7

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(917): View more from New York City

He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.

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(917): He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing. http://tfl.nu/j7tr

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(647): View more from Ontario

So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.

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(647): So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie. http://tfl.nu/dsah

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(214): View more from Texas

she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm

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(214): she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm http://tfl.nu/qx0o

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(301): View more from Maryland

I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

(704): View more from North Carolina

How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

(301): View more from Maryland

Salt in an open wound right now.

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(301): I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job. (704): How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore? (301): Salt in an open wound right now. http://tfl.nu/m9a1

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(512): View more from Texas

I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.

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(512): I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship. http://tfl.nu/fnhf

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(440): View more from Ohio

Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter

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(440): Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter http://tfl.nu/frpq

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere

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(617): I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere http://tfl.nu/b03s

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.

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(978): his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave. http://tfl.nu/6huv

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(250): View more from British Columbia

If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

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(250): If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour. http://tfl.nu/xxvi

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(586): View more from Michigan

She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers

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(586): She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers http://tfl.nu/r5er

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(847): View more from Illinois

Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.

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(847): Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed. http://tfl.nu/o4oh

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(604): Come find me please? Im in a ditch. (1-604): That doesn't help me much... (604): I'm right under the moon! http://tfl.nu/u7hc

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(714): View more from California

no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you

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(714): no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you http://tfl.nu/e8y7

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(703): View more from Virginia

the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression

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(703): the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression http://tfl.nu/ti0p

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.

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(918): It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin. http://tfl.nu/vso7

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.

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(404): I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway. http://tfl.nu/geao

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(410): View more from Maryland

Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?

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(410): Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants? http://tfl.nu/24sn

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(720): View more from Colorado

i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.

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(720): i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out. http://tfl.nu/xm4r

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(281): View more from Texas

Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.

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(281): Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes. http://tfl.nu/y77d

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you

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(570): If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you http://tfl.nu/x3pe

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(561): View more from Florida

And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."

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(561): And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips." http://tfl.nu/kfac

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(510): View more from California

according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"

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(510): according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins" http://tfl.nu/7zd1

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(605): View more from South Dakota

For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.

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(605): For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell. http://tfl.nu/5mii

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.

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(412): he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart. http://tfl.nu/72dk

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(281): View more from Texas

Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?

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(281): Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"? http://tfl.nu/nflv

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.

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(630): He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together. http://tfl.nu/tn1p

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(210): View more from Texas

Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.

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(210): Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16. http://tfl.nu/i5l7

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.

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(918): I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending. http://tfl.nu/bckx

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(708): View more from Illinois

Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?

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(708): Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason? http://tfl.nu/eo4z

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(626): View more from California

All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.

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(626): All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me. http://tfl.nu/0mc8

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson

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(508): this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson http://tfl.nu/oc0q

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(703): View more from Virginia

Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?

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(703): Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf? http://tfl.nu/zyca

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.

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(201): I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday. http://tfl.nu/fib9

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(408): View more from California

I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.

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(408): I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina. http://tfl.nu/oyks

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.

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(218): Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there. http://tfl.nu/e7vr

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(845): View more from New York

i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out

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(845): i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out http://tfl.nu/p8nx

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(905): View more from Ontario

They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.

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(905): They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend. http://tfl.nu/j59u

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(415): View more from California

You kept trying to hail an ambulance

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(415): You kept trying to hail an ambulance http://tfl.nu/adc4

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.

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(919): My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD. http://tfl.nu/zazo

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(317): View more from Indiana

Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?

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(317): Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume? http://tfl.nu/reh6

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(315): View more from New York

careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

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(315): careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there.... http://tfl.nu/ypb5

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(325): View more from Texas

As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,

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(325): As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good, http://tfl.nu/ohf2

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(818): View more from California

I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.

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(818): I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot. http://tfl.nu/6tih

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(615): View more from Tennessee

took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now

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(615): took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now http://tfl.nu/5whe

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(607): View more from New York

no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.

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(607): no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not. http://tfl.nu/m099

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers

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(508): but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers http://tfl.nu/9dwx

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(443): View more from Maryland

shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy

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(443): shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy http://tfl.nu/uhwk

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(313): View more from Michigan

is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday

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(313): is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday http://tfl.nu/9ppn

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(408): View more from California

that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it

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(408): that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it http://tfl.nu/gsrb

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(618): View more from Illinois

There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.

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(618): There's an australian, my relationship has no hope. http://tfl.nu/z5vt

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.

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(610): You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift. http://tfl.nu/nll4

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(224): View more from Illinois

She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.

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(224): She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg. http://tfl.nu/1lfx

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(616): View more from Michigan

He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.

(1-616): View more from Michigan

Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!

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(616): He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science. (1-616): Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world! http://tfl.nu/0fvx

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(518): View more from New York

you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was

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(518): you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was http://tfl.nu/ydfc

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(843): View more from South Carolina

She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.

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(843): She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that. http://tfl.nu/vu87

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(269): View more from Michigan

its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"

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(269): its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot" http://tfl.nu/fb26

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(970): View more from Colorado

I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.

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(970): I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently. http://tfl.nu/qjfh

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(773): View more from Illinois

halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids

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(773): halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids http://tfl.nu/g564

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(630): View more from Illinois

Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER

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(630): Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER http://tfl.nu/i5te

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(214): View more from Texas

You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.

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(214): You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight. http://tfl.nu/qr87

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(718): View more from New York

you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes

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(718): you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes http://tfl.nu/46zk

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(904): View more from Florida

now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.

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(904): now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis. http://tfl.nu/g1kt

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(703): View more from Virginia

he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh

(1-703): View more from Virginia

be sure to add "office slut" to your resume

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(703): he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh (1-703): be sure to add "office slut" to your resume http://tfl.nu/3kje

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(503): Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian http://tfl.nu/9eu3

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(805): View more from California

Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.

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(805): Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face. http://tfl.nu/ins1

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(770): View more from Georgia

my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.

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(770): my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf. http://tfl.nu/iy7m

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex

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(262): It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex http://tfl.nu/c8t5

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(807): View more from Ontario

he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants

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(807): he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants http://tfl.nu/ed98

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(951): View more from California

Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries

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(951): Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries http://tfl.nu/sog5

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .

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(502): Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely . http://tfl.nu/di6d

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(847): View more from Illinois

she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox

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(847): she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox http://tfl.nu/x7gb

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(949): View more from California

I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?

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(949): I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping? http://tfl.nu/8mwq

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(515): View more from Iowa

mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.

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(515): mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money. http://tfl.nu/cehx

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

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(613): I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked. http://tfl.nu/z7yx

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(516): View more from New York

Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me

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(516): Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me http://tfl.nu/nv09

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(703): View more from Virginia

..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making

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(703): ..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making http://tfl.nu/m2re

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(740): View more from Ohio

well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."

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(740): well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful." http://tfl.nu/nfe2

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(216): View more from Ohio

We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong

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(216): We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong http://tfl.nu/i4ch

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(734): View more from Michigan

So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.

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(734): So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things. http://tfl.nu/gsnh

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(908): View more from New Jersey

was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.

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(908): was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone. http://tfl.nu/nbte

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(210): View more from Texas

no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.

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(210): no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here. http://tfl.nu/1kwe

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(408): View more from California

Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.

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(408): Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class. http://tfl.nu/q2vz

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(541): View more from Oregon

I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.

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(541): I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples. http://tfl.nu/kf5x

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(630): View more from Illinois

The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.

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(630): The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind. http://tfl.nu/avf5

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(516): View more from New York

she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.

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(516): she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude. http://tfl.nu/2mtw

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(516): View more from New York

I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.

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(516): I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified. http://tfl.nu/1mep

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(931): View more from Tennessee

please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice

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(931): please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice http://tfl.nu/enb2

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...

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(270): I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in... http://tfl.nu/1w40

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass

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(403): I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass http://tfl.nu/mda2

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(613): View more from Ontario

at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.

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(613): at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner. http://tfl.nu/n8w7

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.

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(403): Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice. http://tfl.nu/ol36

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(801): View more from Utah

I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...

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(801): I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand... http://tfl.nu/rby4

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(917): View more from New York City

Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?

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(917): Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her? http://tfl.nu/rn89

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(587): View more from Alberta

She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.

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(587): She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28. http://tfl.nu/r7ey

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.

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(860): Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them. http://tfl.nu/f4br

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(303): View more from Colorado

there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome

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(303): there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome http://tfl.nu/x7k0

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work

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(+44): He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work http://tfl.nu/peex

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?

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(918): Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet? http://tfl.nu/ki3z

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(410): View more from Maryland

she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.

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(410): she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night. http://tfl.nu/m7fi

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(312): View more from Illinois

Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday

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(312): Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday http://tfl.nu/xsly

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(317): View more from Indiana

I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.

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(317): I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting. http://tfl.nu/kkkr

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(816): View more from Missouri

My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.

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(816): My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost. http://tfl.nu/27qj

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(217): View more from Illinois

The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left

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(217): The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left http://tfl.nu/fjkf

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes

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(832): either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes http://tfl.nu/ezez

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.

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(931): He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance. http://tfl.nu/zsaz

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.

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(203): Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned. http://tfl.nu/8wo4

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.

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(502): You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down. http://tfl.nu/88lm

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(760): View more from California

double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors

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(760): double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors http://tfl.nu/3oh4

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?

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(612): I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life? http://tfl.nu/j7qa

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(903): View more from Texas

I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"

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(903): I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk" http://tfl.nu/2chc

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(660): View more from Missouri

Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.

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(660): Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes. http://tfl.nu/p00s

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(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

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(561): he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him http://tfl.nu/gz84

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(815): View more from Illinois

It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.

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(815): It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing. http://tfl.nu/i0rl

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

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(419): I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion" http://tfl.nu/b5an

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you

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(717): When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you http://tfl.nu/09i6

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.

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(651): i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college. http://tfl.nu/te2e

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.

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(973): I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning. http://tfl.nu/dg43

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(567): View more from Ohio

i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255

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(567): i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255 http://tfl.nu/6ybk

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(713): View more from Texas

So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me

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(713): So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me http://tfl.nu/r4q8

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(516): View more from New York

I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life

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(516): I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life http://tfl.nu/k5dc

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(516): View more from New York

There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed

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(516): There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed http://tfl.nu/zayy

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.

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(202): Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30. http://tfl.nu/8g1h

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.

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(402): Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance. http://tfl.nu/wzxx

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(816): View more from Missouri

He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.

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(816): He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner. http://tfl.nu/o8kh

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(914): View more from New York

Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME

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(914): Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME http://tfl.nu/u7n7

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(330): View more from Ohio

I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.

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(330): I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face. http://tfl.nu/5edg

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(708): View more from Illinois

did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"

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(708): did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement" http://tfl.nu/nqth

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(631): View more from New York

Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.

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(631): Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate. http://tfl.nu/qonz

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(313): View more from Michigan

There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?

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(313): There's a paramedic out here, what have you done? http://tfl.nu/vsi3

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed

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(901): Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed http://tfl.nu/avah

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(775): View more from Nevada

Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.

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(775): Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I. http://tfl.nu/56to

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(281): View more from Texas

Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.

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(281): Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others. http://tfl.nu/smz5

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(+06): View more from

We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

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(+06): We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away. http://tfl.nu/dvn1

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.

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(717): James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks. http://tfl.nu/8rn4

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(318): View more from Louisiana

He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?

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(318): He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer? http://tfl.nu/zjcd

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(817): View more from Texas

I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death

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(817): I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death http://tfl.nu/7rv2

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell

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(318): I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell http://tfl.nu/2gyi

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.

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(413): Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question. http://tfl.nu/3n7q

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?

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(814): how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac? http://tfl.nu/67cg

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.

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(703): I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes. http://tfl.nu/i5s6

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(503): View more from Oregon

well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.

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(503): well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up. http://tfl.nu/zf7z

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(828): View more from North Carolina

That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.

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(828): That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy. http://tfl.nu/c9sd

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(330): View more from Ohio

I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!

(1-330): View more from Ohio

is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?

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(330): I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam! (1-330): is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar? http://tfl.nu/c4pf

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(469): View more from Texas

I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.

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(469): I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs. http://tfl.nu/36r0

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(706): View more from Georgia

saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal

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(706): saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal http://tfl.nu/ml27

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.

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(918): IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request. http://tfl.nu/53d6

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(330): View more from Ohio

he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.

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(330): he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away. http://tfl.nu/7b3j

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(631): View more from New York

lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon

(1-631): View more from New York

wow.

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(631): lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon (1-631): wow. http://tfl.nu/6n98

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(386): View more from Florida

Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table

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(386): Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table http://tfl.nu/ca9t

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(519): View more from Ontario

ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.

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(519): ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry. http://tfl.nu/wsym

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

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(724): i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that. http://tfl.nu/tj9k

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(269): View more from Michigan

Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"

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(269): Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision" http://tfl.nu/cg26

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(850): View more from Florida

i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once

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(850): i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once http://tfl.nu/6uuj

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(863): View more from Florida

she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?

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(863): she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know? http://tfl.nu/bmzo

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.

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(615): Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again. http://tfl.nu/rwfi

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(954): View more from Florida

Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

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(954): Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka. http://tfl.nu/l16y

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.

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(617): your philanthropy is ruining my sex life. http://tfl.nu/l4rt

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(616): View more from Michigan

Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?

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(616): Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately? http://tfl.nu/0g6n

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(917): View more from New York City

I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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(917): I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home. http://tfl.nu/9xms

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful

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(608): i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful http://tfl.nu/3xv5

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.

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(843): i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding. http://tfl.nu/yb0x

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob

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(978): nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob http://tfl.nu/cycw

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(805): View more from California

I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.

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(805): I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more. http://tfl.nu/p4p6

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(949): View more from California

Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"

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(949): Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick" http://tfl.nu/m9ln

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(530): View more from California

If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...

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(530): If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good... http://tfl.nu/ucmp

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(810): View more from Michigan

He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale

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(810): He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale http://tfl.nu/d08t

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(714): View more from California

I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious

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(714): I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious http://tfl.nu/8hxf

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(757): View more from Virginia

I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.

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(757): I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper. http://tfl.nu/o740

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(919): View more from North Carolina

every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends

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(919): every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends http://tfl.nu/8jwh

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(540): View more from Virginia

What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?

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(540): What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless? http://tfl.nu/wpih

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(765): View more from Indiana

He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...

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(765): He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina... http://tfl.nu/78ky

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(212): View more from New York

It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.

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(212): It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls. http://tfl.nu/fa0p

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(480): View more from Arizona

Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.

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(480): Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea. http://tfl.nu/itom

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(801): View more from Utah

Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?

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(801): Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch? http://tfl.nu/p8up

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(763): View more from Minnesota

lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...

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(763): lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab... http://tfl.nu/1m3b

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(314): View more from Missouri

every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.

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(314): every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar. http://tfl.nu/8pyq

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.

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(610): you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster. http://tfl.nu/4s0b

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(740): View more from Ohio

It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.

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(740): It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex. http://tfl.nu/8qyg

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.

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(612): Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore. http://tfl.nu/3jmh

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Did I show you my penis last night?

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(307): Did I show you my penis last night? http://tfl.nu/i066

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(214): View more from Texas

We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.

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(214): We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog. http://tfl.nu/53ei

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(973): View more from New Jersey

there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.

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(973): there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it. http://tfl.nu/9xxm

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(682): View more from Texas

There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops

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(682): There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops http://tfl.nu/zics

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(518): View more from New York

Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis

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(518): Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis http://tfl.nu/kplw

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(419): View more from Ohio

two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome

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(419): two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome http://tfl.nu/ey6z

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety

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(978): I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety http://tfl.nu/5zfx

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(705): View more from Ontario

Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.

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(705): Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it. http://tfl.nu/bw0n

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(510): View more from California

Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.

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(510): Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret. http://tfl.nu/p1m5

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(512): View more from Texas

he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"

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(512): he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls" http://tfl.nu/sggu

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(203): View more from Connecticut

It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.

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(203): It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work. http://tfl.nu/tfd2

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(416): View more from Toronto

Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...

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(416): Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card... http://tfl.nu/vpen

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(718): View more from New York

He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.

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(718): He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter. http://tfl.nu/o453

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(408): View more from California

just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".

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(408): just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right". http://tfl.nu/kg1e

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(416): View more from Toronto

I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.

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(416): I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock. http://tfl.nu/lwgf

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(705): View more from Ontario

From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute

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(705): From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute http://tfl.nu/yhtx

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."

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(919): Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform." http://tfl.nu/nw1x

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(210): View more from Texas

he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me

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(210): he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me http://tfl.nu/5qy1

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(949): View more from California

is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??

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(949): is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute?? http://tfl.nu/snv5

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(972): View more from Texas

I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.

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(972): I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it. http://tfl.nu/3d6t

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(949): View more from California

i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day

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(949): i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day http://tfl.nu/7rcn

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups

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(412): All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups http://tfl.nu/m0gn

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(440): View more from Ohio

well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.

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(440): well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them. http://tfl.nu/xftj

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(404): View more from Georgia

Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.

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(404): Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center. http://tfl.nu/it0q

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you

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(832): you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you http://tfl.nu/7l95

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups

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(651): i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups http://tfl.nu/8ph5

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(213): View more from California

Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.

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(213): Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans. http://tfl.nu/11hu

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.

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(816): I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic. http://tfl.nu/t2fd

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.

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(205): I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine. http://tfl.nu/wlnl

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.

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(570): I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking. http://tfl.nu/bpgb

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex

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(314): For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex http://tfl.nu/vblx

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(847): View more from Illinois

Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.

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(847): Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins. http://tfl.nu/vi8m

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(847): View more from Illinois

I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him

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(847): I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him http://tfl.nu/klkz

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(408): View more from California

He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.

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(408): He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it. http://tfl.nu/0bv4

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."

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(774): I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..." http://tfl.nu/yy1j

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(913): View more from Kansas

It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.

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(913): It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide. http://tfl.nu/jrdr

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(510): View more from California

Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.

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(510): Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing. http://tfl.nu/5987

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it

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(781): if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it http://tfl.nu/706q

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.

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(401): I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails. http://tfl.nu/8vyo

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(817): I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve. http://tfl.nu/17gc

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(443): View more from Maryland

I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to

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(443): I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to http://tfl.nu/dg5k

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(513): View more from Ohio

walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am

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(513): walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am http://tfl.nu/e35n

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.

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(501): Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to. http://tfl.nu/4qds

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg

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(781): she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg http://tfl.nu/c3oo

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(519): View more from Ontario

he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it

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(519): he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it http://tfl.nu/rdxn

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(812): View more from Indiana

I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated

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(812): I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated http://tfl.nu/yas8

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(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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(415): Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting. http://tfl.nu/yl2c

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.

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(901): I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko. http://tfl.nu/cca0

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(214): View more from Texas

Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"

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(214): Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid" http://tfl.nu/i4ng

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(804): View more from Virginia

IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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(804): IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT http://tfl.nu/e7uf

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(585): View more from New York

its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck

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(585): its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck http://tfl.nu/jjii

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(330): View more from Ohio

Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?

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(330): Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway? http://tfl.nu/zrwz

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(707): View more from California

I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.

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(707): I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child. http://tfl.nu/d3n6

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(712): View more from Iowa

He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.

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(712): He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him. http://tfl.nu/xqld

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(563): View more from Iowa

i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...

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(563): i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this... http://tfl.nu/un0n

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(732): View more from New Jersey

This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.

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(732): This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together. http://tfl.nu/028o

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(719): View more from Colorado

we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall

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(719): we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall http://tfl.nu/c3tv

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.

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(662): I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered. http://tfl.nu/u71a

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.

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(931): He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man. http://tfl.nu/ct9i

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about

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(218): Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about http://tfl.nu/idfh

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(870): View more from Arkansas

What's the big deal? you guys fuck

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times

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(870): What's the big deal? you guys fuck (1-870): 3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times http://tfl.nu/e13u

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(708): View more from Illinois

You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....

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(708): You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark.... http://tfl.nu/9a89

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(386): View more from Florida

Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.

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(386): Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target. http://tfl.nu/eg9l

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(719): View more from Colorado

You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.

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(719): You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either. http://tfl.nu/n0om

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(416): View more from Toronto

sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.

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(416): sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you. http://tfl.nu/2uqq

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(701): View more from North Dakota

They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"

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(701): They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?" http://tfl.nu/4dfl

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."

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(814): In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands." http://tfl.nu/l3oo

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(516): View more from New York

Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.

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(516): Never again will we have slut saturday. Never. http://tfl.nu/croh

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs

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(250): Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs http://tfl.nu/msvp

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.

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(717): She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer. http://tfl.nu/9691

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways

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(203): I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways http://tfl.nu/010i

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(509): View more from Washington

She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

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(509): She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center http://tfl.nu/9ea5

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..

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(612): I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket.. http://tfl.nu/9yr8

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.

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(617): creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack. http://tfl.nu/jtst

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(702): View more from Nevada

I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.

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(702): I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave. http://tfl.nu/8hoe

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(516): View more from New York

Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"

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(516): Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering" http://tfl.nu/dwjq

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(773): View more from Illinois

Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.

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(773): Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up. http://tfl.nu/ll85

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(803): View more from South Carolina

some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

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(803): some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers http://tfl.nu/iyv4

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(713): View more from Texas

I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk

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(713): I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk http://tfl.nu/90hq

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(318): View more from Louisiana

No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.

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(318): No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair. http://tfl.nu/ztjm

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(770): View more from Georgia

He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out

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(770): He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out http://tfl.nu/ozsp

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.

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(412): I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay. http://tfl.nu/hmq3

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(206): View more from Washington

How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?

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(206): How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it? http://tfl.nu/31c7

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious

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(203): She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious http://tfl.nu/rvtf

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he said i ruined lesbian porn for him

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(+44): he said i ruined lesbian porn for him http://tfl.nu/xboc

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(703): View more from Virginia

does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.

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(703): does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him. http://tfl.nu/2knl

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(970): View more from Colorado

But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"

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(970): But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed" http://tfl.nu/2s0k

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(630): View more from Illinois

So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong

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(630): So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong http://tfl.nu/7whz

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.

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(215): So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me. http://tfl.nu/xxo9

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(720): View more from Colorado

He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.

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(720): He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim. http://tfl.nu/2u9p

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(281): View more from Texas

He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.

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(281): He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning. http://tfl.nu/ijln

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(757): View more from Virginia

yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.

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(757): yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd. http://tfl.nu/nagb

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(765): View more from Indiana

the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....

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(765): the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians.... http://tfl.nu/hvak

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(785): View more from Kansas

this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln

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(785): this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln http://tfl.nu/pu0o

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(416): View more from Toronto

I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon

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(416): I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon http://tfl.nu/5ghl

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(773): View more from Illinois

It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.

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(773): It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse. http://tfl.nu/a75v

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(734): View more from Michigan

i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.

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(734): i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up. http://tfl.nu/9mj6

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(434): View more from Virginia

Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.

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(434): Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other. http://tfl.nu/93c9

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(860): View more from Connecticut

What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?

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(860): What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang? http://tfl.nu/anu5

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(305): View more from Florida

It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.

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(305): It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids. http://tfl.nu/tjbu

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...

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(651): Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying... http://tfl.nu/qpg3

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(636): View more from Missouri

& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'

(636): View more from Missouri

HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!

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(636): & he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut' (636): HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!! http://tfl.nu/1ay1

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(406): View more from Montana

she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.

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(406): she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure. http://tfl.nu/ut3o

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...

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(250): Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety... http://tfl.nu/2t4m

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(914): View more from New York

Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos

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(914): Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos http://tfl.nu/qe5u

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(360): View more from Washington

Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day

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(360): Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day http://tfl.nu/ru8t

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(949): View more from California

Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?

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(949): Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk? http://tfl.nu/zd5j

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(937): View more from Ohio

It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.

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(937): It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs. http://tfl.nu/4p26

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.

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(724): I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move... (412): Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am. http://tfl.nu/4pbg

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(703): View more from Virginia

You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job

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(703): You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job http://tfl.nu/in54

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(587): View more from Alberta

Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea

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(587): Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea http://tfl.nu/gdya

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(919): View more from North Carolina

if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever

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(919): if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever http://tfl.nu/s664

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes

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(479): I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes http://tfl.nu/u839

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am

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(703): She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am http://tfl.nu/kql6

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(518): View more from New York

he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!

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(518): he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home! http://tfl.nu/koxv

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up

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(920): he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up http://tfl.nu/v5zl

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(704): Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining. http://tfl.nu/owux

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(978): I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING (617): you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me. http://tfl.nu/bj47

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(585): View more from New York

I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?

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(585): I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei? http://tfl.nu/dlk1

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(815): View more from Illinois

No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.

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(815): No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real. http://tfl.nu/57ae

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(206): View more from Washington

No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.

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(206): No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher. http://tfl.nu/9rva

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize

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(610): Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize http://tfl.nu/2i2r

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(801): View more from Utah

we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious

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(801): we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious http://tfl.nu/ejqb

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...

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(781): I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing... http://tfl.nu/jqiv

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.

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(814): I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild. http://tfl.nu/qodr

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday

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(506): just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday http://tfl.nu/uetg

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(513): View more from Ohio

Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.

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(513): Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this. http://tfl.nu/ipvr

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost

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(215): Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost http://tfl.nu/oth1

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(513): View more from Ohio

He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay

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(513): He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay http://tfl.nu/cp59

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.

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(413): im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask. http://tfl.nu/in4y

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(303): View more from Colorado

Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....

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(303): Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic.... http://tfl.nu/nllq

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(239): View more from Florida

Missed another period

(1-239): View more from Florida

I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.

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(239): Missed another period (1-239): I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair. http://tfl.nu/33ef

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(404): View more from Georgia

you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship

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(404): you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship http://tfl.nu/msif

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(214): View more from Texas

I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.

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(214): I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday. http://tfl.nu/w2er

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(512): View more from Texas

If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls

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(512): If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls http://tfl.nu/26r3

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(303): View more from Colorado

it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol

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(303): it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol http://tfl.nu/7ss1

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(559): View more from California

Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

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(559): Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10 http://tfl.nu/1xln

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(314): View more from Missouri

He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.

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(314): He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is. http://tfl.nu/o2e4

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(713): View more from Texas

He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.

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(713): He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5. http://tfl.nu/fdnd

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(703): View more from Virginia

i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me

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(703): i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me http://tfl.nu/57r1

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(206): View more from Washington

Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.

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(206): Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order. http://tfl.nu/s8w4

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand

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(202): I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand http://tfl.nu/1ole

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(586): View more from Michigan

he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.

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(586): he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great. http://tfl.nu/bqct

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(937): View more from Ohio

how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?

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(937): how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on? http://tfl.nu/yug9

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(503): View more from Oregon

well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back

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(503): well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back http://tfl.nu/ecfc

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome

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(609): You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome http://tfl.nu/6r0p

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?

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(336): Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep? http://tfl.nu/earn

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(502): View more from Kentucky

After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.

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(502): After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza. http://tfl.nu/j0sn

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(760): View more from California

It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.

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(760): It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience. http://tfl.nu/sxy7

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(913): View more from Kansas

No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.

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(913): No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough. http://tfl.nu/u8ss

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.

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(507): I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER. http://tfl.nu/g7c4

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(571): View more from Virginia

I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.

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(571): I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend. http://tfl.nu/5ie3

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(954): View more from Florida

8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.

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(954): 8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on. http://tfl.nu/8x7p

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(404): View more from Georgia

I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.

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(404): I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play. http://tfl.nu/jglo

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(806): View more from Texas

with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

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(806): with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible. http://tfl.nu/qot7

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(916): View more from California

It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.

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(916): It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her. http://tfl.nu/zc22

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(516): View more from New York

making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"

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(516): making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage" http://tfl.nu/jy1p

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

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(919): Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride. http://tfl.nu/6akp

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it

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(973): Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it http://tfl.nu/e8zq

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided

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(609): Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided http://tfl.nu/mbmq

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(513): View more from Ohio

thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers

(440): View more from Ohio

its only a rough draft.

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(513): thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers (440): its only a rough draft. http://tfl.nu/pfud

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(954): View more from Florida

We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.

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(954): We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers. http://tfl.nu/9jml

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(703): View more from Virginia

She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.

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(703): She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself. http://tfl.nu/tn32

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(301): View more from Maryland

He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.

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(301): He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him. http://tfl.nu/18rr

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(205): View more from Alabama

i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

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(205): i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail. http://tfl.nu/mxx0

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(613): View more from Ontario

Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.

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(613): Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say. http://tfl.nu/8sw1

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(989): View more from Michigan

I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.

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(989): I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study. http://tfl.nu/z59m

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(415): View more from California

He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.

(650): View more from California

.......................................

(415): View more from California

My thoughts exactly.

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(415): He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic. (650): ....................................... (415): My thoughts exactly. http://tfl.nu/05rl

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(415): View more from California

i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.

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(415): i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things. http://tfl.nu/f722

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(312): View more from Illinois

My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.

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(312): My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger. http://tfl.nu/m23s

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(323): View more from California

Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.

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(323): Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy. http://tfl.nu/58l0

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(661): View more from California

I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...

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(661): I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore... http://tfl.nu/z5qk

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.

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(717): Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life. http://tfl.nu/od19

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(609): View more from New Jersey

just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore

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(609): just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore http://tfl.nu/abxm

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club

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(732): It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club http://tfl.nu/j8mx

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(253): View more from Washington

Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

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(253): Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out http://tfl.nu/bygf

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(404): View more from Georgia

Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.

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(404): Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore. http://tfl.nu/eu8g

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking

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(603): i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking http://tfl.nu/kntc

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(720): View more from Colorado

You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.

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(720): You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset. http://tfl.nu/s72o

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(810): View more from Michigan

Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.

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(810): Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life. http://tfl.nu/9d1q

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(804): View more from Virginia

Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...

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(804): Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared... http://tfl.nu/czen

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.

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(978): I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there. http://tfl.nu/oxsp

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(706): View more from Georgia

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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(706): They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods http://tfl.nu/a68f

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(720): View more from Colorado

When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.

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(720): When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail. http://tfl.nu/a5d0

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(740): View more from Ohio

you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking

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(740): you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking http://tfl.nu/ha4q

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(904): View more from Florida

I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.

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(904): I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana. http://tfl.nu/xfg3

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.

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(504): Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine. http://tfl.nu/uqy7

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(312): View more from Illinois

You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles

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(312): You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles http://tfl.nu/bowu

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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it

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(867): lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it http://tfl.nu/o5td

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on

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(570): i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on http://tfl.nu/lrwn

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(214): View more from Texas

I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"

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(214): I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?" http://tfl.nu/quj5

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you

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(+44): You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you http://tfl.nu/o2s0

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(303): One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud. http://tfl.nu/mlmc

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.

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(+44): she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together. http://tfl.nu/1f9e

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He's only a little bit crosseyed.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.

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(610): He's only a little bit crosseyed. (484): I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much. http://tfl.nu/gez3

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(702): View more from Nevada

She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.

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(702): She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note. http://tfl.nu/7aam

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(909): View more from California

I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine

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(909): I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine http://tfl.nu/d6oy

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(250): View more from British Columbia

When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?

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(250): When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to? http://tfl.nu/e636

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(303): Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever http://tfl.nu/gvxq

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(810): View more from Michigan

He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.

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(810): He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life. http://tfl.nu/cn7c

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.

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(704): I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures. http://tfl.nu/ybaw

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(904): View more from Florida

Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

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(904): Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do. http://tfl.nu/0tan

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(303): View more from Colorado

this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.

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(303): this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now. http://tfl.nu/u25e

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(228): View more from Mississippi

For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.

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(228): For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears. http://tfl.nu/udc5

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.

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(202): I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out. http://tfl.nu/ga8t

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.

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(774): In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES. http://tfl.nu/idd1

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(250): View more from British Columbia

By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.

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(250): By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right. http://tfl.nu/wypb

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook

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(847): Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook http://tfl.nu/zrse

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(856): View more from New Jersey

nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends

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(856): nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends http://tfl.nu/ghdi

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(239): View more from Florida

Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?

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(239): Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls? http://tfl.nu/pmwm

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.

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(+44): Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man. http://tfl.nu/2h1j

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(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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(908): where's my purse there's an important taco in it http://tfl.nu/d9zq

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now

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(828): I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now http://tfl.nu/merq

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you

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(414): There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you http://tfl.nu/ku1m

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(817): View more from Texas

When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.

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(817): When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar. http://tfl.nu/ucur

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(716): View more from New York

So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.

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(716): So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building. http://tfl.nu/resy

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.

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(724): You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame. http://tfl.nu/zyq0

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(530): View more from California

Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'

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(530): Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober' http://tfl.nu/1n5d

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(303): View more from Colorado

It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...

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(303): It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively... http://tfl.nu/4ljl

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(206): View more from Washington

i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin

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(206): i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin http://tfl.nu/oy4z

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(856): View more from New Jersey

it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.

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(856): it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar. http://tfl.nu/5cy5

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(540): View more from Virginia

Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.

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(540): Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza. http://tfl.nu/9mae

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.

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(610): So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way. http://tfl.nu/846z

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.

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(508): Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you. http://tfl.nu/gxjs

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.

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(404): Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic. http://tfl.nu/dv7k

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(815): View more from Illinois

New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

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(815): New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink. http://tfl.nu/5ry5

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was

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(203): She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was http://tfl.nu/dgtk

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(253): The pine trees are waving at me. (907): Put the pipe down honey. (253): Hi trees. http://tfl.nu/6b23

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him

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(412): He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him http://tfl.nu/4xvd

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(216): View more from Ohio

Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping

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(216): Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping http://tfl.nu/0qth

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it

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(301): I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it http://tfl.nu/ek0f

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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(508): this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes" http://tfl.nu/1j0f

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(919): View more from North Carolina

is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?

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(919): is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people? http://tfl.nu/ymsz

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(561): View more from Florida

His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.

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(561): His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face. http://tfl.nu/pof4

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(247): View more from

Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.

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(247): Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me. http://tfl.nu/wk5w

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(503): View more from Oregon

I swear to god he's a one man village people.

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(503): I swear to god he's a one man village people. http://tfl.nu/tro1

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(+33): View more from France

how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?

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(+33): how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men? http://tfl.nu/4scz

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(606): View more from Kentucky

All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers

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(606): All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers http://tfl.nu/uhar

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(206): View more from Washington

I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.

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(206): I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time. http://tfl.nu/0r8g

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(907): View more from Alaska

everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.

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(907): everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort. http://tfl.nu/2zhz

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.

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(203): we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something. http://tfl.nu/yca0

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon

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(403): well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon http://tfl.nu/7c63

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(518): View more from New York

I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.

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(518): I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred. http://tfl.nu/3k1m

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(425): View more from Washington

I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.

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(425): I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame. http://tfl.nu/kw0h

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

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(603): hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1... http://tfl.nu/ehgf

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(443): View more from Maryland

Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.

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(443): Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that. http://tfl.nu/hvnx

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.

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(832): Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is. http://tfl.nu/odjy

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(618): View more from Illinois

Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.

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(618): Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar. http://tfl.nu/mv1g

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(801): View more from Utah

that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow

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(801): that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow http://tfl.nu/5dzd

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(757): View more from Virginia

she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...

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(757): she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them... http://tfl.nu/ior4

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(315): View more from New York

and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...

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(315): and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame... http://tfl.nu/05iu

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(520): View more from Arizona

She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.

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(520): She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist. http://tfl.nu/mma2

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(578): View more from

oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.

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(578): oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home. http://tfl.nu/mth9

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?

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(412): You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy? http://tfl.nu/p3a3

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you

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(402): Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you http://tfl.nu/279j

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.

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(908): Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral. http://tfl.nu/35ny

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(503): View more from Oregon

His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.

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(503): His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit. http://tfl.nu/ykdx

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(519): View more from Ontario

so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.

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(519): so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious. http://tfl.nu/hyyw

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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(859): I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes! (1-859): please elaborate on, "atleast one ear" http://tfl.nu/8j2w

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.

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(970): I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not. http://tfl.nu/wxss

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.

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(860): I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name. http://tfl.nu/83o9

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(682): View more from Texas

While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.

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(682): While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird. http://tfl.nu/l3im

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(509): View more from Washington

You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.

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(509): You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters. http://tfl.nu/qaew

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.

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(508): He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me. http://tfl.nu/9xpz

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(973): View more from New Jersey

this is a time for prayers...seriously

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.

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(973): this is a time for prayers...seriously (1-973): let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen. http://tfl.nu/ovsa

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(801): View more from Utah

Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now

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(801): Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now http://tfl.nu/m9st

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(925): View more from California

I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't

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(925): I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't http://tfl.nu/i8hu

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(301): View more from Maryland

The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

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(301): The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football" http://tfl.nu/o0mi

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(703): View more from Virginia

relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks

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(703): relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks http://tfl.nu/2hg2

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(425): View more from Washington

Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

(1-425): View more from Washington

Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

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(425): Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me (1-425): Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about. http://tfl.nu/mflc

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?

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(413): She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy? http://tfl.nu/obto

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.

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(724): About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore. http://tfl.nu/twc0

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.

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(910): I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through. http://tfl.nu/z33k

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(954): View more from Florida

Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend

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(954): Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend http://tfl.nu/zfzy

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

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(413): How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets http://tfl.nu/sjge

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(408): View more from California

I don't have enough holes for all these australians

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(408): I don't have enough holes for all these australians http://tfl.nu/dq24

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(716): View more from New York

i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.

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(716): i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody. http://tfl.nu/l0aj

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.

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(502): I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time. http://tfl.nu/ujel

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.

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(321): I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident. http://tfl.nu/j6a8

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(404): View more from Georgia

He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."

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(404): He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on." http://tfl.nu/t6j5

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(303): View more from Colorado

I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this

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(303): I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this http://tfl.nu/m1v9

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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(202): the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar http://tfl.nu/f2lj

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked

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(412): We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked http://tfl.nu/s4j7

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.

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(608): He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake. http://tfl.nu/cs4d

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.

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(814): if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning. http://tfl.nu/xo3z

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(607): View more from New York

please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already

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(607): please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already http://tfl.nu/5kxb

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.

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(570): do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome. http://tfl.nu/5az6

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(785): View more from Kansas

I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.

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(785): I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well. http://tfl.nu/l51l

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered

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(+44): Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered http://tfl.nu/4p47

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(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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(586): he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck. http://tfl.nu/s6ky

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

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(215): Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything. http://tfl.nu/hi5p

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(301): View more from Maryland

Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed

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(301): Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed http://tfl.nu/1voz

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(919): I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever http://tfl.nu/iy56

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?

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(803): Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything? http://tfl.nu/hmy2

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(678): View more from Georgia

When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.

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(678): When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick. http://tfl.nu/i6to

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(443): View more from Maryland

I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

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(443): I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly http://tfl.nu/9fzw

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(973): View more from New Jersey

her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.

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(973): her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it. http://tfl.nu/lrhx

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(214): View more from Texas

So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far

(713): View more from Texas

Sounds better than last semester

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(214): So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far (713): Sounds better than last semester http://tfl.nu/9h5w

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You know, be my cock's hype man.

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(732): You know, be my cock's hype man. http://tfl.nu/5yns

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction

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(505): i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction http://tfl.nu/hb6q

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times

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(978): Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times http://tfl.nu/be2v

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(248): View more from Michigan

She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.

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(248): She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds. http://tfl.nu/bean

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(307): View more from Wyoming

He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.

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(307): He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him. http://tfl.nu/54ly

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(804): View more from Virginia

I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.

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(804): I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either. http://tfl.nu/j4vn

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(330): View more from Ohio

After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.

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(330): After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant. http://tfl.nu/zp63

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

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(832): He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point. http://tfl.nu/zypj

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(519): View more from Ontario

he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes

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(519): he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes http://tfl.nu/rvmv

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(519): View more from Ontario

He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

(604): View more from British Columbia

HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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(519): He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid. (604): HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES http://tfl.nu/zs3p

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(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

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(679): You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road. (679): You really are best friends. http://tfl.nu/zi1s

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(361): Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one? http://tfl.nu/k16y

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(404): View more from Georgia

What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.

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(404): What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs. http://tfl.nu/w7nv

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better

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(902): Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better http://tfl.nu/2vo6

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(727): View more from Florida

We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno

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(727): We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno http://tfl.nu/ajny

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(703): View more from Virginia

Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'

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(703): Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks' http://tfl.nu/njwf

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(563): View more from Iowa

I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.

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(563): I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson. http://tfl.nu/yssr

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(631): View more from New York

do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?

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(631): do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis? http://tfl.nu/tizi

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(514): View more from Quebec

Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank

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(514): Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank http://tfl.nu/3d4y

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(912): View more from Georgia

well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.

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(912): well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing. http://tfl.nu/4jog

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(604): View more from British Columbia

He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.

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(604): He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route. http://tfl.nu/lmqa

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(303): View more from Colorado

so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name

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(303): so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name http://tfl.nu/x1lq

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us

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(920): We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us http://tfl.nu/fe65

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(516): View more from New York

Found your pants in the mailbox

(646): View more from New York

What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

(516): View more from New York

I don't know but there's postage on them

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(516): Found your pants in the mailbox (646): What were my pants doing in the mailbox? (516): I don't know but there's postage on them http://tfl.nu/6yt8

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(801): View more from Utah

You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.

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(801): You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them. http://tfl.nu/lphx

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(517): View more from Michigan

I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors

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(517): I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors http://tfl.nu/omyr

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(239): View more from Florida

all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut

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(239): all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut http://tfl.nu/x9ek

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.

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(303): I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate. http://tfl.nu/1fh9

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.

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(203): I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further. http://tfl.nu/4sxq

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(803): View more from South Carolina

i cant cry in cvs. not again.

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(803): i cant cry in cvs. not again. http://tfl.nu/7epn

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out

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(423): Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out http://tfl.nu/rbnc

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(812): View more from Indiana

Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well

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(812): Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well http://tfl.nu/2njp

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.

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(612): My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment. http://tfl.nu/bb74

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(740): View more from Ohio

she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse

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(740): she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse http://tfl.nu/30t8

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(406): View more from Montana

I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"

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(406): I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money" http://tfl.nu/7mg6

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(770): View more from Georgia

he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario

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(770): he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario http://tfl.nu/em7y

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."

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(412): Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes." http://tfl.nu/8fia

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(719): View more from Colorado

He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"

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(719): He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that" http://tfl.nu/ec8j

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(931): View more from Tennessee

and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear

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(931): and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear http://tfl.nu/30cm

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(630): View more from Illinois

And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."

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(630): And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs." http://tfl.nu/aazi

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(702): View more from Nevada

She's never allowed to turn 21 again

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(702): She's never allowed to turn 21 again http://tfl.nu/eyqp

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

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(402): Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma http://tfl.nu/lc92

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.

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(608): I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina. http://tfl.nu/zhac

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(+61): View more from Australia

She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!

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(+61): She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?! http://tfl.nu/x2ya

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(802): View more from Vermont

She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.

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(802): She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave. http://tfl.nu/huhd

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(205): View more from Alabama

Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.

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(205): Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable. http://tfl.nu/h65h

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(214): View more from Texas

a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"

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(214): a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate" http://tfl.nu/0wuw

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(260): View more from Indiana

It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.

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(260): It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs. http://tfl.nu/yz88

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(901): View more from Tennessee

hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?

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(901): hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn? http://tfl.nu/pzvd

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie

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(504): Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie http://tfl.nu/6e1s

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(518): View more from New York

you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved

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(518): you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved http://tfl.nu/hfsv

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(805): View more from California

you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible

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(805): you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible http://tfl.nu/6jjf

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(256): View more from Alabama

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..

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(256): It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.. http://tfl.nu/zyk4

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym

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(508): It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym http://tfl.nu/opd7

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(815): View more from Illinois

Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!

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(815): Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie! http://tfl.nu/p3px

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(253): View more from Washington

Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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(253): Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style. http://tfl.nu/lnre

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(630): View more from Illinois

she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her

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(630): she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her http://tfl.nu/4r4o

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.

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(218): Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job. http://tfl.nu/z804

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(512): View more from Texas

We need a plan...

(1-512): View more from Texas

Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.

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(512): We need a plan... (1-512): Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan. http://tfl.nu/879h

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(815): View more from Illinois

Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark

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(815): Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark http://tfl.nu/xtgk

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.

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(201): Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario. http://tfl.nu/e7rb

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(301): View more from Maryland

dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow

(410): View more from Maryland

so basically your not goin out tonight?

(301): View more from Maryland

who said that?

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(301): dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow (410): so basically your not goin out tonight? (301): who said that? http://tfl.nu/qimw

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(806): View more from Texas

That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.

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(806): That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car. http://tfl.nu/uk3l

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(519): View more from Ontario

Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"

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(519): Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake" http://tfl.nu/m7yz

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(630): Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"? (1-630): Are you high? http://tfl.nu/3xxd

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(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

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(616): So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together. http://tfl.nu/gv0c

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(+46): View more from Sweden

being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad

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(+46): being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad http://tfl.nu/w2cq

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(727): View more from Florida

the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick

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(727): the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick http://tfl.nu/3g66

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(440): View more from Ohio

It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night

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(440): It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night http://tfl.nu/ffc5

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(678): View more from Georgia

NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree

(404): View more from Georgia

YES.

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(678): NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree (404): YES. http://tfl.nu/chua

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(904): View more from Florida

Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.

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(904): Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up. http://tfl.nu/3e3n

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(678): View more from Georgia

He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it

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(678): He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it http://tfl.nu/jk9d

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(310): While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating. http://tfl.nu/umg8

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.

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(617): I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits. http://tfl.nu/9n54

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.

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(401): All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it. http://tfl.nu/0ldz

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?

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(443): I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch? http://tfl.nu/v0c3

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(951): View more from California

All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.

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(951): All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants. http://tfl.nu/xx9d

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(609): View more from New Jersey

it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores

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(609): it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores http://tfl.nu/lmvr

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(330): View more from Ohio

Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.

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(330): Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment. http://tfl.nu/dli5

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.

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(401): Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight. http://tfl.nu/rdc4

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.

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(954): I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals. http://tfl.nu/1tkg

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(808): View more from Hawaii

You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.

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(808): You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him. http://tfl.nu/k2hw

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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(864): no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job. http://tfl.nu/97jt

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(917): View more from New York City

And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

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(917): And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating. http://tfl.nu/qged

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages

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(978): im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages http://tfl.nu/apfo

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(513): View more from Ohio

he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden

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(513): he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden http://tfl.nu/xsqd

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(518): September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location http://tfl.nu/jdkq

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.

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(724): I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo. http://tfl.nu/korz

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...

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(908): Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty... http://tfl.nu/7ob9

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(678): View more from Georgia

Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."

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(678): Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages." http://tfl.nu/1o45

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(763): View more from Minnesota

He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.

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(763): He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening. http://tfl.nu/7ub3

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.

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(615): Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night. http://tfl.nu/5pdk

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.

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(413): i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur. http://tfl.nu/9vxg

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(254): View more from Texas

He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American

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(254): He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American http://tfl.nu/3hjs

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme

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(781): the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme http://tfl.nu/i0u7

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(516): View more from New York

He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.

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(516): He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes. http://tfl.nu/agxg

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(678): View more from Georgia

You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"

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(678): You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs" http://tfl.nu/8pn3

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So many bounce houses so little time

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(860): So many bounce houses so little time http://tfl.nu/tcx2

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Totally get that.

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(248): I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend. (1-248): Totally get that. http://tfl.nu/ho2w

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he asked me to hangout with him...and his son

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(413): he asked me to hangout with him...and his son http://tfl.nu/p42y

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.

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(843): Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat. http://tfl.nu/tf28

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...

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(414): a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99... http://tfl.nu/p4eu

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Sucks about the cops last night

(848): View more from New Jersey

to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..

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(609): Sucks about the cops last night (848): to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party.. http://tfl.nu/rv14

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.

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(503): Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general. http://tfl.nu/8yi1

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.

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(215): Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/3cxs

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(434): View more from Virginia

i said good morning to each one of his abs personally

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(434): i said good morning to each one of his abs personally http://tfl.nu/1e7y

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(440): View more from Ohio

Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.

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(440): Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet. http://tfl.nu/2c2c

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(301): View more from Maryland

Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?

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(301): Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm? http://tfl.nu/94o0

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(602): View more from Arizona

Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?

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(602): Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now? http://tfl.nu/lkox

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..

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(412): You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off.. http://tfl.nu/ermc

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(318): View more from Louisiana

the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.

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(318): the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese. http://tfl.nu/xs1m

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(661): View more from California

It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.

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(661): It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job. http://tfl.nu/htiz

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.

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(781): Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night. http://tfl.nu/qv6r

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight

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(336): I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight http://tfl.nu/7krg

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(435): View more from Utah

this will be a night to untag.

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(435): this will be a night to untag. http://tfl.nu/f6xw

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(256): View more from Alabama

Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.

(228): View more from Mississippi

Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.

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(256): Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you. (228): Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it. http://tfl.nu/6bli

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.

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(856): I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster. http://tfl.nu/w6xc

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.

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(575): Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship. http://tfl.nu/tvch

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(304): View more from West Virginia

If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason

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(304): If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason http://tfl.nu/mpoe

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.

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(860): I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think. http://tfl.nu/zuxj

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(804): View more from Virginia

you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms

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(804): you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms http://tfl.nu/vyht

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(303): View more from Colorado

Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...

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(303): Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks... http://tfl.nu/ccgl

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.

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(262): we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere. http://tfl.nu/ddqg

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.

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(603): Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college. http://tfl.nu/nve2

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.

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(931): I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then. http://tfl.nu/2mcz

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.

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(608): I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs. http://tfl.nu/xx6g

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..

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(704): he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time.. http://tfl.nu/irbs

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.

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(978): he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/v7b4

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love

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(202): he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love http://tfl.nu/m0fg

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(248): View more from Michigan

he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.

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(248): he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question. http://tfl.nu/v6vq

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(214): View more from Texas

Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?

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(214): Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us? http://tfl.nu/e7z7

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(815): View more from Illinois

just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling

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(815): just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling http://tfl.nu/a8k8

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(919): View more from North Carolina

we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.

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(919): we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni. http://tfl.nu/1ccz

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(714): View more from California

He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.

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(714): He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where. http://tfl.nu/my2r

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.

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(610): Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand. http://tfl.nu/ms96

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(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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(503): The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck http://tfl.nu/nvzw

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee

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(504): I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee http://tfl.nu/ouc6

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(636): View more from Missouri

The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.

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(636): The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania. http://tfl.nu/yocg

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

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(218): Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants? (1-218): Both? http://tfl.nu/yr9r

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(513): View more from Ohio

wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

how could i say no?

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(513): wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka? (1-513): how could i say no? http://tfl.nu/1o9r

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"

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(507): You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!" http://tfl.nu/pues

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(503): View more from Oregon

And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....

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(503): And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container.... http://tfl.nu/xfht

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people

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(612): I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people http://tfl.nu/8cwf

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(256): View more from Alabama

this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.

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(256): this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man. http://tfl.nu/hhwz

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(585): View more from New York

The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.

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(585): The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi. http://tfl.nu/64lh

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..

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(610): He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him.. http://tfl.nu/ejw3

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(740): View more from Ohio

I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream

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(740): I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream http://tfl.nu/eta2

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(785): View more from Kansas

Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?

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(785): Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ? http://tfl.nu/syfm

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(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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(404): My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck. http://tfl.nu/0ivr

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory

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(615): She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory http://tfl.nu/j2ic

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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(504): how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades? http://tfl.nu/s5wu

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(276): View more from Virginia

I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem

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(276): I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem http://tfl.nu/0t83

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(806): View more from Texas

I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.

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(806): I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned. http://tfl.nu/pksd

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(240): View more from Maryland

He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?

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(240): He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half? http://tfl.nu/4690

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(817): View more from Texas

she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.

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(817): she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it. http://tfl.nu/rt8c

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(315): View more from New York

It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"

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(315): It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!" http://tfl.nu/cmoy

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You know i think she's just using me for sex

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I hate you.

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(608): You know i think she's just using me for sex (1-608): I hate you. http://tfl.nu/pxkn

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(+54): View more from

look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.

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(+54): look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels. http://tfl.nu/ux1z

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.

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(206): I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea. http://tfl.nu/v4ue

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(605): View more from South Dakota

there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.

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(605): there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife. http://tfl.nu/kzgo

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(713): View more from Texas

I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.

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(713): I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more. http://tfl.nu/mxjh

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(707): View more from California

You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.

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(707): You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant. http://tfl.nu/2b7s

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(954): View more from Florida

Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.

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(954): Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers. http://tfl.nu/re05

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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(202): I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her. http://tfl.nu/d96s

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".

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(617): I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues". http://tfl.nu/ykd9

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(732): View more from New Jersey

on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card

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(732): on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card http://tfl.nu/pv0m

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(270): View more from Kentucky

There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time

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(270): There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time http://tfl.nu/e9de

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(917): View more from New York City

she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her

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(917): she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her http://tfl.nu/pixb

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(574): View more from Indiana

So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore

(209): View more from California

You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?

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(574): So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore (209): You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect? http://tfl.nu/4y0y

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach

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(774): Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach http://tfl.nu/gl5r

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

And to think..we used to do everything sober...

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(724): And to think..we used to do everything sober... http://tfl.nu/tbey

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(203): View more from Connecticut

chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life

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(203): chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life http://tfl.nu/2ek4

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.

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(832): Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face. http://tfl.nu/c54m

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl

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(814): you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl http://tfl.nu/ed1u

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(417): View more from Missouri

He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...

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(417): He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night... http://tfl.nu/cdml

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.

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(215): I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day. http://tfl.nu/v175

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(248): View more from Michigan

To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....

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(248): To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet.... http://tfl.nu/cx4o

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(647): View more from Ontario

We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.

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(647): We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda. http://tfl.nu/2f76

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(443): View more from Maryland

Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome

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(443): Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome http://tfl.nu/nq8y

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(619): View more from California

I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.

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(619): I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me. http://tfl.nu/zz8y

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(561): View more from Florida

oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything

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(561): oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything http://tfl.nu/egks

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.

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(910): I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive. http://tfl.nu/9t3w

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(505): View more from New Mexico

he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.

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(505): he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment. http://tfl.nu/v3fi

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(651): View more from Minnesota

a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?

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(651): a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore? http://tfl.nu/vjlb

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(706): View more from Georgia

So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.

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(706): So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob. http://tfl.nu/v79f

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(902): you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face. http://tfl.nu/e2jp

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma

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(479): I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club... (1-479): I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma http://tfl.nu/vhqd

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(612): View more from Minnesota

you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier

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(612): you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier http://tfl.nu/qh8d

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(907): View more from Alaska

She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."

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(907): She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in." http://tfl.nu/4iy3

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing

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(+31): Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing http://tfl.nu/rk5x

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(954): View more from Florida

We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.

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(954): We're sending your burrito through the mail slot. http://tfl.nu/pddr

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(480): View more from Arizona

New game: find the sober person in Tbell

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(480): New game: find the sober person in Tbell http://tfl.nu/sv6g

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life

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(901): i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life http://tfl.nu/drtj

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(727): View more from Florida

she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex

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(727): she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex http://tfl.nu/jq0b

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?

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(610): So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her? http://tfl.nu/wt2f

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm never eating chinese again.

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(215): yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night. (215): i'm never eating chinese again. http://tfl.nu/0tg8

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(517): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

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(517): The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came http://tfl.nu/4ft9

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(908): View more from New Jersey

This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.

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(908): This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/5cs7

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(847): View more from Illinois

He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.

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(847): He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street. http://tfl.nu/tq30

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(916): View more from California

Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.

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(916): Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown. http://tfl.nu/0cdq

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.

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(908): My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated. http://tfl.nu/0c6p

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.

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(336): This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level. http://tfl.nu/cqt6

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(386): View more from Florida

You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?

(1-386): View more from Florida

Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.

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(386): You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...? (1-386): Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge. http://tfl.nu/modl

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(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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(805): my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad. http://tfl.nu/gbnx

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(207): View more from Maine

So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.

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(207): So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town. http://tfl.nu/b29o

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(315): View more from New York

some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"

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(315): some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!" http://tfl.nu/pcn6

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(906): View more from Michigan

If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?

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(906): If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her? http://tfl.nu/jtlb

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(209): View more from California

is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.

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(209): is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety. http://tfl.nu/58yh

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(916): View more from California

So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.

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(916): So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday. http://tfl.nu/t9ad

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(314): View more from Missouri

You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

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(314): You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night http://tfl.nu/nbdz

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(727): View more from Florida

he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?

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(727): he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal? http://tfl.nu/v8vs

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(618): View more from Illinois

You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs

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(618): You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs http://tfl.nu/0h2n

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

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(843): Dude you has no fucking this poptart (719): What? (843): I dont know to explain this. http://tfl.nu/kk1s

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.

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(617): Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever. http://tfl.nu/bxqj

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(305): View more from Florida

look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.

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(305): look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no. http://tfl.nu/new9

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(810): View more from Michigan

Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.

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(810): Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy. http://tfl.nu/tczv

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis

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(267): I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis http://tfl.nu/zmb9

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.

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(919): Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7. http://tfl.nu/xclk

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(253): View more from Washington

You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.

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(253): You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me. http://tfl.nu/6xwb

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(510): View more from California

Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

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(510): Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward. http://tfl.nu/2xfe

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(302): View more from Delaware

Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.

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(302): Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes. http://tfl.nu/niyo

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(785): View more from Kansas

So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?

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(785): So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg? http://tfl.nu/npo8

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(973): View more from New Jersey

not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down

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(973): not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down http://tfl.nu/e11q

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(415): View more from California

It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.

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(415): It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend. http://tfl.nu/xojm

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(951): View more from California

she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.

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(951): she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked. http://tfl.nu/fnf4

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(310): View more from California

His dick was poking my bladder. That big...

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(310): His dick was poking my bladder. That big... http://tfl.nu/xupw

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(801): View more from Utah

he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?

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(801): he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have? http://tfl.nu/qwp7

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict

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(860): you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict http://tfl.nu/am6o

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(970): View more from Colorado

I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.

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(970): I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more. http://tfl.nu/19ra

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(914): View more from New York

i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.

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(914): i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does. http://tfl.nu/xwvv

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(713): View more from Texas

As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..

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(713): As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone.. http://tfl.nu/l9l0

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"

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(715): You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts" http://tfl.nu/ong1

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(210): View more from Texas

Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.

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(210): Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened. http://tfl.nu/7jhi

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(703): View more from Virginia

the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.

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(703): the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years. http://tfl.nu/s9g1

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(404): View more from Georgia

I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?

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(404): I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing? http://tfl.nu/vakp

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable

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(506): She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable http://tfl.nu/lnzm

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(416): View more from Toronto

Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.

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(416): Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend. http://tfl.nu/lag5

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(630): View more from Illinois

Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.

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(630): Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches. http://tfl.nu/xanx

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(620): View more from Kansas

He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.

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(620): He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time. http://tfl.nu/dyz5

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(319): View more from Iowa

We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"

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(319): We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30" http://tfl.nu/oadk

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(619): View more from California

It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.

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(619): It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot. http://tfl.nu/icc0

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(641): View more from Iowa

Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.

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(641): Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like. http://tfl.nu/m82g

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(530): View more from California

the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.

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(530): the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation. http://tfl.nu/fqo6

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(407): View more from Florida

I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city

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(407): I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city http://tfl.nu/5mtu

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.

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(860): i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis. http://tfl.nu/7xur

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(201): View more from New Jersey

there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke

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(201): there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke http://tfl.nu/pyjl

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(217): View more from Illinois

her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...

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(217): her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name... http://tfl.nu/e8r1

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(252): View more from North Carolina

He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..

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(252): He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it.. http://tfl.nu/x7yt

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(210): View more from Texas

yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."

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(210): yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons." http://tfl.nu/jfl4

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(585): View more from New York

you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.

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(585): you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation. http://tfl.nu/l508

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(404): View more from Georgia

And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.

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(404): And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT. http://tfl.nu/u1ny

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal

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(215): he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal http://tfl.nu/oaxp

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(858): View more from California

Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.

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(858): Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today. http://tfl.nu/g96b

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(440): View more from Ohio

He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.

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(440): He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am. http://tfl.nu/6rv7

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(+61): View more from Australia

we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.

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(+61): we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry. http://tfl.nu/qm28

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(541): View more from Oregon

She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...

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(541): She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets... http://tfl.nu/jeys

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break

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(330): I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break http://tfl.nu/u8kr

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(315): My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?' http://tfl.nu/x9n6

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(802): View more from Vermont

Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.

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(802): Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle. http://tfl.nu/jhbj

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(317): View more from Indiana

I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.

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(317): I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it. http://tfl.nu/klgn

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.

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(902): Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines. http://tfl.nu/9k5b

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(609): View more from New Jersey

That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.

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(609): That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me. http://tfl.nu/oade

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(419): View more from Ohio

We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.

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(419): We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun. http://tfl.nu/fiqf

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(515): View more from Iowa

Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex

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(515): Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex http://tfl.nu/a38e

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice

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(920): its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice http://tfl.nu/sbu6

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.

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(732): she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it. http://tfl.nu/tlpk

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(404): View more from Georgia

He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.

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(404): He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me. http://tfl.nu/t7d5

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(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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(847): You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head http://tfl.nu/hdz6

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.

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(616): Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this. http://tfl.nu/uew9

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(619): View more from California

Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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(619): Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich http://tfl.nu/k8p8

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(914): View more from New York

Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.

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(914): Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back. http://tfl.nu/842d

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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(217): Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside http://tfl.nu/d6yu

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(925): View more from California

Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.

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(925): Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear. http://tfl.nu/48r4

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(703): View more from Virginia

They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.

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(703): They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait. http://tfl.nu/6f6p

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.

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(306): We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love. http://tfl.nu/cwg6

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.

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(303): I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex. http://tfl.nu/3z60

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.

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(832): Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen. http://tfl.nu/umfy

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(517): View more from Michigan

He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time

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(517): He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time http://tfl.nu/hxad

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(218): View more from Minnesota

he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this

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(218): he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this http://tfl.nu/jsty

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(251): View more from Alabama

you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account

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(251): you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account http://tfl.nu/ufbc

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?

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(973): Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes? http://tfl.nu/t0sq

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(619): View more from California

Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.

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(619): Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen. http://tfl.nu/rhei

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(863): View more from Florida

fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"

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(863): fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes" http://tfl.nu/05z7

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

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(781): So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one....... http://tfl.nu/w37i

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(732): View more from New Jersey

people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.

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(732): people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself. http://tfl.nu/7r6x

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(613): View more from Ontario

Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.

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(613): Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B. http://tfl.nu/8gac

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.

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(847): I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around. http://tfl.nu/b39f

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.

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(253): I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex. http://tfl.nu/rq63

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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(763): Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg... http://tfl.nu/nasy

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while

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(787): 1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while http://tfl.nu/u6qo

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.

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(202): Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now. http://tfl.nu/6prd

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(425): View more from Washington

Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.

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(425): Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight. http://tfl.nu/mywq

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.

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(404): It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning. http://tfl.nu/70c1

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(303): View more from Colorado

It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.

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(303): It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet. http://tfl.nu/tf1g

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(850): View more from Florida

Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.

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(850): Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing. http://tfl.nu/n4ke

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(256): you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!" http://tfl.nu/8xfk

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

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(817): I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts. http://tfl.nu/7tmi

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(443): View more from Maryland

I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong

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(443): I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong http://tfl.nu/v2kj

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(916): View more from California

on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.

(1-916): View more from California

your optimism is becoming unhealthy

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(916): on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day. (1-916): your optimism is becoming unhealthy http://tfl.nu/nzqt

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(858): View more from California

Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"

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(858): Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS" http://tfl.nu/1s89

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(716): View more from New York

I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.

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(716): I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle. http://tfl.nu/lk8z

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(513): View more from Ohio

the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!

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(513): the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS! http://tfl.nu/o380

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(740): View more from Ohio

So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?

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(740): So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes? http://tfl.nu/wyhr

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.

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(570): I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days. http://tfl.nu/quks

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(865): View more from Tennessee

His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...

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(865): His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation... http://tfl.nu/uas5

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(347): View more from New York

when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign

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(347): when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign http://tfl.nu/d21d

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(973): View more from New Jersey

just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.

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(973): just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year. http://tfl.nu/md62

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(818): View more from California

ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.

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(818): ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate. http://tfl.nu/xbio

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(815): View more from Illinois

I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.

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(815): I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT. http://tfl.nu/gdsf

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.

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(412): I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish. http://tfl.nu/e99m

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(213): View more from California

Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.

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(213): Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain. http://tfl.nu/121u

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(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

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(716): Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon. http://tfl.nu/t979

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(817): View more from Texas

He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"

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(817): He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick" http://tfl.nu/f333

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.

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(401): My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar. http://tfl.nu/vsf5

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(555): View more from

My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique

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(555): My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique http://tfl.nu/mm4o

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(847): View more from Illinois

Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"

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(847): Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago" http://tfl.nu/h89t

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"

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(262): This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year" http://tfl.nu/hf6v

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(678): View more from Georgia

I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself

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(678): I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself http://tfl.nu/rqfe

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us

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(405): Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us http://tfl.nu/zowi

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(714): I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky. http://tfl.nu/5xyb

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(208): View more from Idaho

Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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(208): Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly. http://tfl.nu/sulv

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(516): View more from New York

i have one question about last night

(646): View more from New York

if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain

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(516): i have one question about last night (646): if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain http://tfl.nu/69sr

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.

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(724): I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more. http://tfl.nu/i8a4

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(510): View more from California

I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.

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(510): I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots. http://tfl.nu/tjxa

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(206): View more from Washington

Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated

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(206): Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated http://tfl.nu/xvfw

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today

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(503): Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today http://tfl.nu/xs2q

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(313): View more from Michigan

I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot

(313): View more from Michigan

He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all

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(313): I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot (313): He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all http://tfl.nu/6st3

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.

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(404): I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building. http://tfl.nu/5zu2

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(302): View more from Delaware

Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.

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(302): Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace. http://tfl.nu/xnkm

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(785): View more from Kansas

Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.

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(785): Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible. http://tfl.nu/7cn6

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(732): View more from New Jersey

apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"

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(732): apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok" http://tfl.nu/q772

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(515): View more from Iowa

then she stuck her tongue in my ass

(1-515): View more from Iowa

I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?

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(515): then she stuck her tongue in my ass (1-515): I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her? http://tfl.nu/wzc5

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(248): View more from Michigan

The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again

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(248): The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again http://tfl.nu/1sak

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?

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(412): seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party? http://tfl.nu/4j0b

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(207): View more from Maine

Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.

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(207): Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask. http://tfl.nu/6wlk

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american

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(201): I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american http://tfl.nu/02ni

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate

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(832): im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate http://tfl.nu/io2z

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(757): View more from Virginia

No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire

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(757): No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire http://tfl.nu/j9c5

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

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(816): I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs. http://tfl.nu/7j97

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(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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(585): when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood http://tfl.nu/vfy0

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(515): View more from Iowa

Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

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(515): Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this? http://tfl.nu/woh0

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(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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(619): I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning. http://tfl.nu/8wyf

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(301): View more from Maryland

i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.

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(301): i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir. http://tfl.nu/enui

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(614): View more from Ohio

So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...

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(614): So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date... http://tfl.nu/r091

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(678): View more from Georgia

He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.

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(678): He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going. http://tfl.nu/db5s

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(310): View more from California

If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?

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(310): If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement? http://tfl.nu/kphp

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(662): View more from Mississippi

It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though

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(662): It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though http://tfl.nu/50vd

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

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(513): You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm. http://tfl.nu/60sn

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.

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(201): He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away. http://tfl.nu/tzcp

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(705): View more from Ontario

APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...

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(705): APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk... http://tfl.nu/biv4

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(801): View more from Utah

What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."

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(801): What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director." http://tfl.nu/kql1

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?

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(704): Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane? http://tfl.nu/zikg

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(513): View more from Ohio

I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.

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(513): I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand. http://tfl.nu/20vi

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(816): View more from Missouri

So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.

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(816): So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me. http://tfl.nu/bb44

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?

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(508): Why did you put hummus in my pillow case? http://tfl.nu/0gk1

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(856): View more from New Jersey

When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.

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(856): When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again. http://tfl.nu/chm7

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night

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(412): My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night http://tfl.nu/pds9

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(574): View more from Indiana

almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea

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(574): almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea http://tfl.nu/8a1h

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(303): View more from Colorado

so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...

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(303): so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob... http://tfl.nu/tixa

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(936): View more from Texas

Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

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(936): Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance http://tfl.nu/8uw4

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(704): View more from North Carolina

this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

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(704): this is really not the time to pretend we have morals http://tfl.nu/j8ot

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(702): View more from Nevada

facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me

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(702): facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me http://tfl.nu/rfhz

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(514): View more from Quebec

Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?

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(514): Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene? http://tfl.nu/zsme

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(502): View more from Kentucky

If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.

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(502): If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was. http://tfl.nu/20o3

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(209): View more from California

We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem

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(209): We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem http://tfl.nu/pftr

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(765): View more from Indiana

He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.

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(765): He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something. http://tfl.nu/5hhc

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(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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(518): he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials." http://tfl.nu/vm6j

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(705): View more from Ontario

She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.

(905): View more from Ontario

I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.

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(705): She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that. (905): I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory. http://tfl.nu/dnea

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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(320): I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on. http://tfl.nu/x1xg

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(253): View more from Washington

Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.

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(253): Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me. http://tfl.nu/6zni

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.

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(609): I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something. http://tfl.nu/5sjh

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.

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(201): Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man. http://tfl.nu/hm6h

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(786): View more from Florida

What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?

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(786): What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her? http://tfl.nu/v1vy

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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(774): Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n (617): Why am I even shocked you're doing this.... http://tfl.nu/y7yp

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(562): View more from California

you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.

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(562): you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again. http://tfl.nu/7o6u

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.

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(210): I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time. http://tfl.nu/1zig

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(613): View more from Ontario

His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...

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(613): His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat... http://tfl.nu/xzfb

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(914): View more from New York

shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

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(914): shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness http://tfl.nu/7ruk

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(352): View more from Florida

Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.

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(352): Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot. http://tfl.nu/hytm

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut

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(215): i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut http://tfl.nu/7c6t

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(314): View more from Missouri

DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??

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(314): DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT?? http://tfl.nu/2vmn

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(845): View more from New York

I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....

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(845): I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex.... http://tfl.nu/n100

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?

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(615): Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER? http://tfl.nu/yz8w

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.

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(570): I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless. http://tfl.nu/rrlk

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(615): View more from Tennessee

it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..

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(615): it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex.. http://tfl.nu/6q5t

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(972): View more from Texas

It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.

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(972): It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians. http://tfl.nu/8vkd

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.

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(860): Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise. http://tfl.nu/z4y1

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap

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(732): I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap http://tfl.nu/e6wb

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.

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(321): You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again. http://tfl.nu/dbiz

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(425): View more from Washington

I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?

(1-425): View more from Washington

you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time

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(425): I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I? (1-425): you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time http://tfl.nu/bm15

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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(732): I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome. http://tfl.nu/zzpw

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(250): View more from British Columbia

My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.

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(250): My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part. http://tfl.nu/8pmc

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(908): View more from New Jersey

If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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(908): If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple." http://tfl.nu/0gie

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(707): View more from California

He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.

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(707): He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk. http://tfl.nu/vg98

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(901): View more from Tennessee

You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

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(901): You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury http://tfl.nu/7ksy

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.

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(702): Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better. http://tfl.nu/sd76

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

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(908): It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?! http://tfl.nu/h7d0

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(513): View more from Ohio

So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.

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(513): So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand. http://tfl.nu/k6dt

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(618): View more from Illinois

we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning

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(618): we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning http://tfl.nu/44lc

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(253): View more from Washington

Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about

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(253): Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about http://tfl.nu/o03a

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(913): View more from Kansas

It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...

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(913): It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason... http://tfl.nu/n9s7

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(937): View more from Ohio

This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.

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(937): This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable. http://tfl.nu/352a

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(910): View more from North Carolina

whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes

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(910): whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes http://tfl.nu/crfp

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(416): View more from Toronto

You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..

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(416): You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill.. http://tfl.nu/sqyp

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.

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(615): Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron. http://tfl.nu/4qyy

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(816): View more from Missouri

Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

(816): View more from Missouri

...... wtf.

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(816): Where'd you guys get the alcohol from? (1-816): Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower. (816): ...... wtf. http://tfl.nu/k9gx

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.

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(508): He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk. http://tfl.nu/n1jt

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(310): View more from California

Obama is so hot when he ends wars.

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(310): Obama is so hot when he ends wars. http://tfl.nu/7ljv

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(404): View more from Georgia

My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.

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(404): My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/ev36

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(806): View more from Texas

What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???

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(806): What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head??? http://tfl.nu/gwk9

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two

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(617): I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two http://tfl.nu/3vhn

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted

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(610): Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted http://tfl.nu/q55a

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(716): View more from New York

i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.

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(716): i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left. http://tfl.nu/3kuf

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(563): View more from Iowa

If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?

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(563): If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from? http://tfl.nu/xs7j

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(702): View more from Nevada

I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.

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(702): I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault. http://tfl.nu/1m55

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(702): View more from Nevada

Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

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(702): Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter. http://tfl.nu/2ees

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(540): View more from Virginia

For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.

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(540): For future references, orgasms clear sinuses. http://tfl.nu/b2l7

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(631): View more from New York

He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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(631): He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved. http://tfl.nu/jbvc

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(516): View more from New York

Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice

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(516): Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice http://tfl.nu/slww

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(815): View more from Illinois

Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart

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(815): Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart http://tfl.nu/4qqp

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(510): View more from California

I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

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(510): I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders. http://tfl.nu/3tbi

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(816): View more from Missouri

you were mass sexting so we took your phone away

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(816): you were mass sexting so we took your phone away http://tfl.nu/u2si

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(352): View more from Florida

Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.

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(352): Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa. http://tfl.nu/e1sr

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(404): View more from Georgia

I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.

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(404): I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea. http://tfl.nu/5w1q

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it

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(603): my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it http://tfl.nu/xy2b

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(949): View more from California

I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.

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(949): I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation. http://tfl.nu/uflu

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(305): View more from Florida

nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night

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(305): nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night http://tfl.nu/tom4

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(904): View more from Florida

I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.

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(904): I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck. http://tfl.nu/gj91

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(415): View more from California

i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.

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(415): i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me. http://tfl.nu/4nn8

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.

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(405): It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you. http://tfl.nu/abkv

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(703): View more from Virginia

This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.

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(703): This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar. http://tfl.nu/4fqp

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.

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(603): I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months. http://tfl.nu/isje

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(317): View more from Indiana

He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.

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(317): He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me. http://tfl.nu/3k3l

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(303): View more from Colorado

You made eat vitamins until I threw up

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(303): You made eat vitamins until I threw up http://tfl.nu/o1t5

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?

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(603): Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right? http://tfl.nu/7voc

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(818): View more from California

i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign

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(818): i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign http://tfl.nu/0lhe

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"

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(508): Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic" http://tfl.nu/1wpy

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now

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(318): I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now http://tfl.nu/xdsb

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(620): View more from Kansas

Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?

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(620): Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night? http://tfl.nu/n9fn

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(+48): View more from Poland

there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover

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(+48): there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover http://tfl.nu/ynqc

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(773): View more from Illinois

I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.

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(773): I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do. http://tfl.nu/ja9q

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(443): she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs. http://tfl.nu/nz73

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(519): View more from Ontario

Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.

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(519): Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation. http://tfl.nu/lz4o

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(856): View more from New Jersey

You tried to poop in the sink last night.

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(856): You tried to poop in the sink last night. http://tfl.nu/6e7d

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(214): View more from Texas

okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you

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(214): okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you http://tfl.nu/uhqk

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(760): View more from California

Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.

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(760): Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule. http://tfl.nu/62pd

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.

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(732): You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name. http://tfl.nu/cvf5

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism

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(651): Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism http://tfl.nu/8f4x

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(719): View more from Colorado

We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting

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(719): We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting http://tfl.nu/vcgc

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(714): View more from California

the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

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(714): the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester http://tfl.nu/u653

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(502): View more from Kentucky

if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.

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(502): if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords. http://tfl.nu/tyuw

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(203): View more from Connecticut

And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing

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(203): And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing http://tfl.nu/3kjo

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?

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(412): At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks? http://tfl.nu/fbfw

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(213): View more from California

Her brother is deaf.

(214): View more from Texas

no wonder she was so good with her hands

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(213): Her brother is deaf. (214): no wonder she was so good with her hands http://tfl.nu/zbzq

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(620): View more from Kansas

throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex

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(620): throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex http://tfl.nu/5t79

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(303): View more from Colorado

and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster

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(303): and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster http://tfl.nu/9o1b

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(905): View more from Ontario

She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up

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(905): She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up http://tfl.nu/duhi

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

did u get his digits?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...

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(570): did u get his digits? (201): yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone... http://tfl.nu/pvtx

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.

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(403): Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it. http://tfl.nu/6k4w

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(817): View more from Texas

They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great

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(817): They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great http://tfl.nu/5yg0

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(703): We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone. (540): You guys make me sad (703): You misspelled jealous there http://tfl.nu/wtst

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(365): View more from

Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine

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(365): Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine http://tfl.nu/mm7j

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.

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(321): I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free. http://tfl.nu/5dnh

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(516): View more from New York

She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning

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(516): She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning http://tfl.nu/jaay

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

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(780): Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man. http://tfl.nu/3qrw

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(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

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(815): she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her. http://tfl.nu/1rnx

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(870): View more from Arkansas

She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...

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(870): She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again... http://tfl.nu/jy0r

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.

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(703): I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend. http://tfl.nu/4wvr

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.

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(570): I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up. http://tfl.nu/kls9

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(416): View more from Toronto

After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.

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(416): After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me. http://tfl.nu/uotn

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college

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(778): I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college http://tfl.nu/2nnj

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(937): View more from Ohio

Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.

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(937): Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies. http://tfl.nu/1bgy

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(562): View more from California

I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.

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(562): I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight. http://tfl.nu/kfwj

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.

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(202): Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again. http://tfl.nu/k4e9

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(805): View more from California

That bad?

(1-805): View more from California

Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.

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(805): That bad? (1-805): Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding. http://tfl.nu/ntsx

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(740): View more from Ohio

She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.

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(740): She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life. http://tfl.nu/9d1v

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(206): View more from Washington

No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE

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(206): No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE http://tfl.nu/0vv1

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(646): View more from New York

its my first week of college and i have a UTI

(718): View more from New York

not easy being a whore now is it

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(646): its my first week of college and i have a UTI (718): not easy being a whore now is it http://tfl.nu/tyxw

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(812): View more from Indiana

You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

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(812): You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party http://tfl.nu/gmt6

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game

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(617): It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game http://tfl.nu/6jkk

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(214): View more from Texas

New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.

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(214): New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle. http://tfl.nu/kelj

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(419): View more from Ohio

its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn

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(419): its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn http://tfl.nu/wwy8

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?

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(770): If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way? http://tfl.nu/2yix

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(813): View more from Florida

were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.

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(813): were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes. http://tfl.nu/3m35

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife

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(306): Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife http://tfl.nu/6k5s

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(347): View more from New York

How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"

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(347): How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka" http://tfl.nu/7oja

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(847): View more from Illinois

Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?

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(847): Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine? http://tfl.nu/wblw

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(303): View more from Colorado

the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night

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(303): the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night http://tfl.nu/fwes

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(512): View more from Texas

I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...

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(512): I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night... http://tfl.nu/5pml

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(765): View more from Indiana

So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?

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(765): So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night? http://tfl.nu/0nca

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(971): View more from Oregon

Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.

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(971): Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them. http://tfl.nu/y8vc

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(703): View more from Virginia

just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

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(703): just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking. http://tfl.nu/uhxv

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?

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(774): Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id? http://tfl.nu/53ps

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(903): View more from Texas

I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.

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(903): I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again. http://tfl.nu/pun6

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(443): View more from Maryland

There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.

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(443): There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic. http://tfl.nu/18x8

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(604): View more from British Columbia

it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head

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(604): it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head http://tfl.nu/xa8x

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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(870): He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed." http://tfl.nu/z9xx

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(302): View more from Delaware

he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.

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(302): he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex. http://tfl.nu/7jw4

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(604): View more from British Columbia

All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?

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(604): All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea? http://tfl.nu/njfe

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

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(601): He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows. http://tfl.nu/pp93

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(845): View more from New York

it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we

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(845): it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we http://tfl.nu/wm4n

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(309): View more from Illinois

ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.

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(309): ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet. http://tfl.nu/oxv5

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.

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(321): Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right. http://tfl.nu/ehig

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional

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(410): There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional http://tfl.nu/r1v2

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.

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(701): Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real. http://tfl.nu/s47d

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(516): View more from New York

The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

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(516): The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina". http://tfl.nu/tnih

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you tipped EVERY employee at white castle

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(732): you tipped EVERY employee at white castle http://tfl.nu/d5zv

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(432): View more from Texas

then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.

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(432): then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going. http://tfl.nu/r8d5

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(352): View more from Florida

Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.

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(352): Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person. http://tfl.nu/l0db

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(210): View more from Texas

hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.

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(210): hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober. http://tfl.nu/bh32

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.

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(201): I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it. http://tfl.nu/v1ti

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(310): View more from California

I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too

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(310): I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too http://tfl.nu/t8cv

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(908): View more from New Jersey

can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night

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(908): can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night http://tfl.nu/eoys

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(303): View more from Colorado

She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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(303): She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan. http://tfl.nu/jf6q

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(623): View more from Arizona

Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple

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(623): Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple http://tfl.nu/1j5u

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(757): View more from Virginia

You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"

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(757): You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis" http://tfl.nu/xzec

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(816): View more from Missouri

she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.

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(816): she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL. http://tfl.nu/ostw

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.

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(508): the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell. http://tfl.nu/o2wo

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(815): View more from Illinois

Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye

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(815): Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye http://tfl.nu/ds98

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.

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(484): You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you. http://tfl.nu/o9a4

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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(724): btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die. http://tfl.nu/rrxi

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(678): View more from Georgia

Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.

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(678): Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date. http://tfl.nu/ovv7

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(416): View more from Toronto

I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.

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(416): I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of. http://tfl.nu/16vh

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often

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(412): the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often http://tfl.nu/iv13

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(418): View more from Quebec

You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

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(418): You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry" http://tfl.nu/nwle

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(201): View more from New Jersey

bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid

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(201): bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid http://tfl.nu/hxiy

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(281): View more from Texas

I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body

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(281): I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body http://tfl.nu/esoz

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out

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(610): omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out http://tfl.nu/5zdd

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"

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(304): What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?" http://tfl.nu/r7md

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(714): View more from California

im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me

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(714): im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me http://tfl.nu/k37i

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.

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(703): Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/f3x3

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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(919): sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer. http://tfl.nu/u6do

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"

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(570): as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing" http://tfl.nu/9hoo

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(207): View more from Maine

Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.

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(207): Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us. http://tfl.nu/mqg9

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(478): View more from Georgia

how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?

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(478): how did he go about obtaining bull sperm? http://tfl.nu/if4u

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(860): View more from Connecticut

There is too much vodka and too much dick.

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(860): There is too much vodka and too much dick. http://tfl.nu/9jud

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(316): View more from Kansas

She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....

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(316): She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar.... http://tfl.nu/1ee9

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(503): View more from Oregon

if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.

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(503): if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up. http://tfl.nu/w9vg

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(909): View more from California

it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines

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(909): it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines http://tfl.nu/1cpi

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself

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(612): I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself http://tfl.nu/0tce

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(512): View more from Texas

Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.

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(512): Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits. http://tfl.nu/amvg

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(940): View more from Texas

That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone

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(940): That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone http://tfl.nu/w4ug

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?

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(843): Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm? http://tfl.nu/fqw6

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(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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(917): I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant http://tfl.nu/lnj1

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"

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(508): I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money" http://tfl.nu/engr

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(303): View more from Colorado

The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!

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(303): The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks! http://tfl.nu/bdkz

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(516): View more from New York

i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor

(1-516): View more from New York

did you bang her?

(516): View more from New York

seriously?

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(516): i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor (1-516): did you bang her? (516): seriously? http://tfl.nu/fyme

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.

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(270): Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience. http://tfl.nu/d64j

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...

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(610): You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice... http://tfl.nu/x7so

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(813): View more from Florida

It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.

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(813): It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you. http://tfl.nu/aegn

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(707): View more from California

I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.

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(707): I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it. http://tfl.nu/727e

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(615): View more from Tennessee

My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.

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(615): My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed. http://tfl.nu/zn3p

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(701): View more from North Dakota

she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.

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(701): she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends. http://tfl.nu/prst

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(765): View more from Indiana

She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?

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(765): She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards? http://tfl.nu/6kdc

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn

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(916): View more from California

It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment

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(916): It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment http://tfl.nu/y1ii

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(206): View more from Washington

obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.

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(206): obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol. http://tfl.nu/y9qf

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(231): View more from Michigan

You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.

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(231): You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide. http://tfl.nu/t1va

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(419): View more from Ohio

Why is your signature on my underwear?

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(419): Why is your signature on my underwear? http://tfl.nu/8itl

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(775): View more from Nevada

I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...

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(775): I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral... http://tfl.nu/9wf7

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(269): View more from Michigan

My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.

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(269): My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow. http://tfl.nu/11lx

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(515): View more from Iowa

RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..

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(515): RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us.. http://tfl.nu/3ryz

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.

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(570): He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom. http://tfl.nu/2ayy

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(614): View more from Ohio

i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.

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(614): i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat. http://tfl.nu/0ifj

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(925): View more from California

At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.

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(925): At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night. http://tfl.nu/1jxg

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(914): View more from New York

i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school

(1-914): View more from New York

oh right the one that ends on your bed

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(914): i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school (1-914): oh right the one that ends on your bed http://tfl.nu/wrnw

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(410): View more from Maryland

i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes

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(410): i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes http://tfl.nu/11ee

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.

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(617): Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way. http://tfl.nu/5f04

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue

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(763): Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue http://tfl.nu/sfb5

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(876): View more from Jamaica

After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone

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(876): After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone http://tfl.nu/ammv

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..

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(412): Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends.. http://tfl.nu/z85j

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?

(224): View more from Illinois

story of my life.

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(717): do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were? (224): story of my life. http://tfl.nu/syxz

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(815): View more from Illinois

There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.

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(815): There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream. http://tfl.nu/rule

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(804): View more from Virginia

i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song

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(804): i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song http://tfl.nu/watz

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.

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(412): I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is. http://tfl.nu/ejf0

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

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(304): Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way. http://tfl.nu/jfrt

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(225): View more from Louisiana

She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us

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(225): She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us http://tfl.nu/zfzd

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(540): View more from Virginia

3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently

(540): View more from Virginia

and skipped dinner

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(540): 3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently (540): and skipped dinner http://tfl.nu/igda

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(703): View more from Virginia

i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.

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(703): i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship. http://tfl.nu/7io7

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(423): View more from Tennessee

it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.

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(423): it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like. http://tfl.nu/iipz

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.

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(402): The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities. http://tfl.nu/3lte

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(631): View more from New York

I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude

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(631): I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude http://tfl.nu/oumf

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(847): View more from Illinois

If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen

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(847): If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen http://tfl.nu/f9bs

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"

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(403): You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her" http://tfl.nu/oma3

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.

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(701): I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot. http://tfl.nu/vxu1

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(561): View more from Florida

Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...

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(561): Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend... http://tfl.nu/snfb

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(416): View more from Toronto

i flashed his best friends last night

(1-416): View more from Toronto

you always were good at making good first impressions

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(416): i flashed his best friends last night (1-416): you always were good at making good first impressions http://tfl.nu/b564

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.

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(505): She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night. http://tfl.nu/d1vk

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(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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(352): Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye. (352): And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave. http://tfl.nu/f5gq

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.

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(859): I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college. http://tfl.nu/f01w

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."

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(609): I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila." http://tfl.nu/how1

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.

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(919): It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis. http://tfl.nu/c5pc

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(313): View more from Michigan

while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.

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(313): while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up. http://tfl.nu/p2q9

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(712): View more from Iowa

Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.

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(712): Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be. http://tfl.nu/n7rl

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(602): View more from Arizona

I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.

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(602): I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door. http://tfl.nu/hvfb

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(908): While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you." http://tfl.nu/7a3m

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.

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(203): I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it. http://tfl.nu/2i57

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(503): View more from Oregon

I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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(503): I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too. http://tfl.nu/16uc

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(507): View more from Minnesota

She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...

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(507): She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart... http://tfl.nu/kgd9

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

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(832): We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College." http://tfl.nu/3hlg

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(469): View more from Texas

I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.

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(469): I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over. http://tfl.nu/vab8

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"

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(+44): Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far" http://tfl.nu/vzxo

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(330): View more from Ohio

The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.

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(330): The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops. http://tfl.nu/2l9n

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"

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(262): She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us" http://tfl.nu/wksb

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(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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(708): youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer http://tfl.nu/xxdd

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(785): View more from Kansas

I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.

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(785): I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive. http://tfl.nu/o6oy

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"

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(918): I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn" http://tfl.nu/8vnd

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out

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(508): he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out http://tfl.nu/cxh0

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(804): View more from Virginia

She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch

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(804): She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch http://tfl.nu/datu

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(248): View more from Michigan

i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

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(248): i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid. http://tfl.nu/t711

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(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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(909): The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling." http://tfl.nu/73er

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(916): View more from California

I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

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(916): I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one... http://tfl.nu/z7kq

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(352): View more from Florida

She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"

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(352): She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?" http://tfl.nu/uzh1

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?

(571): View more from Virginia

Fuck you.

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(703): I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right? (571): Fuck you. http://tfl.nu/jxij

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(301): View more from Maryland

a search helicopter?!

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(301): a search helicopter?! http://tfl.nu/5l8d

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

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(919): I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job. http://tfl.nu/800g

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship

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(252): I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship http://tfl.nu/ldcl

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(330): View more from Ohio

We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob

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(330): We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob http://tfl.nu/gzh9

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.

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(403): This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy. http://tfl.nu/kmxm

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(740): View more from Ohio

His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.

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(740): His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them. http://tfl.nu/w51l

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(917): View more from New York City

He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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(917): He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now http://tfl.nu/4db9

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."

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(978): as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..." http://tfl.nu/w3wh

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(773): View more from Illinois

he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.

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(773): he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex. http://tfl.nu/ci3t

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.

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(732): the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine. http://tfl.nu/ewch

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(858): View more from California

God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

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(858): God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext http://tfl.nu/49np

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(630): View more from Illinois

Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.

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(630): Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music. http://tfl.nu/mqx0

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(816): That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again http://tfl.nu/xxfj

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(313): View more from Michigan

The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.

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(313): The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two. http://tfl.nu/ya0u

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(708): View more from Illinois

Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame

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(708): Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame http://tfl.nu/f96m

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(410): View more from Maryland

i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there

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(410): i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there http://tfl.nu/vhdj

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(620): View more from Kansas

I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.

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(620): I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks. http://tfl.nu/lsv9

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(507): View more from Minnesota

All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon

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(507): All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon http://tfl.nu/xv5b

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I take back everything I said about communal showers

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(865): I take back everything I said about communal showers http://tfl.nu/iybg

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(502): View more from Kentucky

update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.

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(502): update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive. http://tfl.nu/e1l9

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(239): View more from Florida

I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk

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(239): I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk http://tfl.nu/44fq

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(864): I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you. http://tfl.nu/pv7t

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(913): View more from Kansas

i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.

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(913): i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire. http://tfl.nu/gd8k

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(281): View more from Texas

I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.

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(281): I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO. http://tfl.nu/9byh

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.

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(603): well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access. http://tfl.nu/o23q

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(815): View more from Illinois

I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?

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(815): I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed? http://tfl.nu/umcp

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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(918): There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters http://tfl.nu/8485

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(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

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(573): dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one http://tfl.nu/jlbe

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(631): View more from New York

well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore

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(631): well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore http://tfl.nu/6gwp

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(515): I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson" http://tfl.nu/itij

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job

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(413): I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job http://tfl.nu/ruqn

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(716): View more from New York

The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast

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(716): The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast http://tfl.nu/b4kl

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.

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(717): Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something. http://tfl.nu/o9mn

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(214): View more from Texas

I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad

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(214): I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad http://tfl.nu/x185

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(925): View more from California

Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

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(925): Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you. http://tfl.nu/15wm

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(609): View more from New Jersey

and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.

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(609): and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience. http://tfl.nu/1o4v

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(602): View more from Arizona

I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you

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(602): I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you http://tfl.nu/rxgp

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(419): View more from Ohio

You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?

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(419): You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text? http://tfl.nu/28br

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(303): View more from Colorado

you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you

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(303): you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you http://tfl.nu/wspo

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(847): View more from Illinois

well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."

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(847): well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms." http://tfl.nu/dhb2

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(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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(614): My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry. http://tfl.nu/lss6

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(214): View more from Texas

I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now

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(214): I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now http://tfl.nu/up7f

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..

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(860): My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen.. http://tfl.nu/c7n8

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(541): View more from Oregon

I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?

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(541): I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad? http://tfl.nu/iz9x

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.

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(732): It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that. http://tfl.nu/ljyh

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(913): View more from Kansas

the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night

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(913): the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night http://tfl.nu/dx83

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(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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(647): I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS http://tfl.nu/1k5d

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things

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(571): i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things http://tfl.nu/ommx

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me

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(973): i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me http://tfl.nu/lmdm

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are

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(717): we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are http://tfl.nu/vwno

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(925): View more from California

I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.

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(925): I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard. http://tfl.nu/47cs

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life

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(860): I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life http://tfl.nu/l4zk

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(209): View more from California

nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw

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(209): nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw http://tfl.nu/vicw

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(515): View more from Iowa

you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?

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(515): you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night? http://tfl.nu/cew2

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"

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(262): How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?" http://tfl.nu/pevk

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.

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(+44): You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack. http://tfl.nu/2spc

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(651): View more from Minnesota

just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.

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(651): just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot. (1-651): called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck. http://tfl.nu/1omb

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(239): View more from Florida

I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling

(1-239): View more from Florida

You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?

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(239): I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling (1-239): You hooked up with minors in a golf cart? http://tfl.nu/sx7k

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(845): View more from New York

i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.

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(845): i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now. http://tfl.nu/ygdu

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(254): View more from Texas

that's what penises do

(254): View more from Texas

they tell lies.

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(254): that's what penises do (254): they tell lies. http://tfl.nu/si8y

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(541): View more from Oregon

His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'

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(541): His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.' http://tfl.nu/mg36

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(718): View more from New York

If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.

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(718): If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs. http://tfl.nu/jfp1

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(518): View more from New York

I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.

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(518): I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often. http://tfl.nu/3lpk

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(630): View more from Illinois

I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.

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(630): I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate. http://tfl.nu/tob7

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.

(347): View more from New York

Something to remember me by.

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(832): I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet. (347): Something to remember me by. http://tfl.nu/ual5

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(705): View more from Ontario

her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken

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(705): her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken http://tfl.nu/6ixh

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(503): View more from Oregon

After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.

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(503): After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him. http://tfl.nu/iy8v

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.

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(401): Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you. http://tfl.nu/r8h0

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(518): View more from New York

no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter

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(518): no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter http://tfl.nu/ikrf

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(850): View more from Florida

it's great music for shaving your balls

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(850): it's great music for shaving your balls http://tfl.nu/etrw

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.

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(414): can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved. http://tfl.nu/t1em

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(936): View more from Texas

He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know

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(936): He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know http://tfl.nu/tf12

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(407): View more from Florida

Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.

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(407): Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock. http://tfl.nu/0ypw

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(480): View more from Arizona

We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.

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(480): We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids. http://tfl.nu/o5lf

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(818): View more from California

two words...techno handjob

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(818): two words...techno handjob http://tfl.nu/l83l

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(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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(347): sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things. http://tfl.nu/13io

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(305): View more from Florida

He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

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(305): He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys. http://tfl.nu/g37d

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(979): View more from Texas

We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

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(979): We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it. http://tfl.nu/1cxu

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(310): View more from California

I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't

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(310): I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't http://tfl.nu/g41b

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently

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(919): Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently http://tfl.nu/zenu

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(740): View more from Ohio

new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.

(419): View more from Ohio

you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.

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(740): new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner. (419): you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio. http://tfl.nu/k9v1

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.

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(701): I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships. http://tfl.nu/filq

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(847): View more from Illinois

better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say

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(847): better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say http://tfl.nu/y3uc

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(419): View more from Ohio

All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS

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(419): All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS http://tfl.nu/2lvs

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(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

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(601): K. On the way. I need a drink. (904): Like a drink drink or like water? (601): Have we met? http://tfl.nu/ckaw

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.

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(780): I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you. http://tfl.nu/nb18

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.

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(910): Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically. http://tfl.nu/2hl3

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(803): View more from South Carolina

If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?

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(803): If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right? http://tfl.nu/9kx0

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night

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(724): I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night http://tfl.nu/2zdr

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.

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(603): I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning. http://tfl.nu/y7jt

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.

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(770): I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia. http://tfl.nu/25qr

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(573): View more from Missouri

A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.

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(573): A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb. http://tfl.nu/1cz1

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(804): View more from Virginia

...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks

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(804): ...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks http://tfl.nu/unmu

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(405): i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it. (1-405): i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. " http://tfl.nu/mvrv

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(304): View more from West Virginia

As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny

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(304): As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny http://tfl.nu/vl4i

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(330): View more from Ohio

Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

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(330): Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you. http://tfl.nu/fmxs

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(805): View more from California

i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something

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(805): i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something http://tfl.nu/ixq2

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(281): View more from Texas

The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.

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(281): The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself. http://tfl.nu/4mrf

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.

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(856): Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever. http://tfl.nu/q010

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

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(816): I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool. http://tfl.nu/0qcg

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

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(231): I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers! http://tfl.nu/0unq

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(845): View more from New York

alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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(845): alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization. http://tfl.nu/1m6d

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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(732): I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year http://tfl.nu/jq5i

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.

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(318): I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter. http://tfl.nu/35y3

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(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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(914): Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem (914): Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty. http://tfl.nu/8j05

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(516): View more from New York

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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(516): OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM http://tfl.nu/ckuz

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(419): View more from Ohio

I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?

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(419): I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat? http://tfl.nu/2nrh

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(585): View more from New York

well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me

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(585): well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me http://tfl.nu/wu1p

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(318): View more from Louisiana

my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.

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(318): my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes. http://tfl.nu/jzo6

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy

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(920): We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy http://tfl.nu/hjxb

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(517): View more from Michigan

if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy

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(517): if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy http://tfl.nu/rglc

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(616): View more from Michigan

Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?

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(616): Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by? http://tfl.nu/1ke1

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(910): View more from North Carolina

It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.

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(910): It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me. http://tfl.nu/w40e

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(757): View more from Virginia

you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.

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(757): you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK. http://tfl.nu/qo45

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(770): View more from Georgia

We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?

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(770): We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date? http://tfl.nu/cigl

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(734): View more from Michigan

Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.

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(734): Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual. http://tfl.nu/o9rr

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(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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(434): He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears. http://tfl.nu/acnv

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(315): View more from New York

i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them

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(315): i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them http://tfl.nu/qx93

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(416): View more from Toronto

Best. Handjob. Ever.

(905): View more from Ontario

I'm guessing Kelly is over?

(416): View more from Toronto

Nope. Home alone.

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(416): Best. Handjob. Ever. (905): I'm guessing Kelly is over? (416): Nope. Home alone. http://tfl.nu/vpw4

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�

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(+44): Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles. http://tfl.nu/yunu

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My vagina just recognized that song.

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(973): My vagina just recognized that song. http://tfl.nu/3ui0

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(310): View more from California

He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.

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(310): He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical. http://tfl.nu/e9fk

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(609): View more from New Jersey

His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.

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(609): His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me. http://tfl.nu/x400

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(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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(305): After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it. http://tfl.nu/d686

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(714): View more from California

My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.

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(714): My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win. http://tfl.nu/b8se

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(716): View more from New York

ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.

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(716): ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck. http://tfl.nu/am3q

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(785): View more from Kansas

He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms

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(785): He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms http://tfl.nu/p81e

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(703): View more from Virginia

It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...

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(703): It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement... http://tfl.nu/l7x1

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(716): View more from New York

He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.

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(716): He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready. http://tfl.nu/z83a

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.

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(580): She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head. http://tfl.nu/4ro8

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.

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(215): you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger. http://tfl.nu/jxnv

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(603): Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk. http://tfl.nu/ivw8

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(226): View more from Ontario

I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.

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(226): I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth. http://tfl.nu/6j12

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(212): View more from New York

it was like a zeppelin in a condom

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(212): it was like a zeppelin in a condom http://tfl.nu/vkzf

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(440): View more from Ohio

We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!

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(440): We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis! http://tfl.nu/tuy6

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(661): View more from California

I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.

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(661): I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka. http://tfl.nu/da8y

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(727): View more from Florida

hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.

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(727): hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week. http://tfl.nu/6l6t

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(765): View more from Indiana

She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed

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(765): She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed http://tfl.nu/bbsg

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(702): View more from Nevada

I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex

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(702): I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex http://tfl.nu/r82f

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(631): View more from New York

This beer is not sobering me up at all

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(631): This beer is not sobering me up at all http://tfl.nu/2fz8

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(514): View more from Quebec

It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far

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(514): It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far http://tfl.nu/0vof

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(305): View more from Florida

i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot

(1-305): View more from Florida

lets call myth busters

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(305): i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot (1-305): lets call myth busters http://tfl.nu/n34m

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(918): when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace. http://tfl.nu/irh2

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(512): View more from Texas

You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.

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(512): You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye. http://tfl.nu/ovu6

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(347): View more from New York

I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.

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(347): I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there. http://tfl.nu/8ypv

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(562): View more from California

sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone

(1-562): View more from California

there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue

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(562): sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone (1-562): there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue http://tfl.nu/8olm

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(413): Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW" http://tfl.nu/hdte

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(254): View more from Texas

it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.

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(254): it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless. http://tfl.nu/hrpm

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?

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(617): so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic? http://tfl.nu/c421

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(917): M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. http://tfl.nu/5zhv

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(503): View more from Oregon

I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them

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(503): I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them http://tfl.nu/p9tn

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?

(1-605): View more from South Dakota

No. It just means your good at giving head.

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(605): Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head? (1-605): No. It just means your good at giving head. http://tfl.nu/6xkt

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(859): View more from Kentucky

he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"

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(859): he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots" http://tfl.nu/5st6

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(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

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(806): All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots" http://tfl.nu/28dj

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...

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(617): I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing... http://tfl.nu/p474

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(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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(786): He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets." http://tfl.nu/13ll

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.

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(540): I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse. http://tfl.nu/5mjb

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you http://tfl.nu/9cj0

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT

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(717): do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT http://tfl.nu/ci1u

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.

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(859): I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat. http://tfl.nu/m2ko

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(505): View more from New Mexico

While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.

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(505): While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/0pt9

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(386): View more from Florida

smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.

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(386): smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina. http://tfl.nu/3vsv

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(631): View more from New York

we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility

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(631): we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility http://tfl.nu/kdjh

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he thanks me after handjobs.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

you found the perfect man.

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(203): he thanks me after handjobs. (1-203): you found the perfect man. http://tfl.nu/eh9t

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.

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(484): Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome. http://tfl.nu/6dfu

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(256): You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers. http://tfl.nu/otyu

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics

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(662): I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics http://tfl.nu/lc06

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(516): View more from New York

How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?

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(516): How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear? http://tfl.nu/ycsa

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(601): View more from Mississippi

There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.

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(601): There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis. http://tfl.nu/xpx8

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(817): I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented. http://tfl.nu/9hus

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(928): View more from Arizona

This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.

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(928): This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/2tuo

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(705): View more from Ontario

I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.

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(705): I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless. http://tfl.nu/v2dr

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.

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(610): so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried. http://tfl.nu/cyhc

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(201): View more from New Jersey

oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.

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(201): oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay. http://tfl.nu/lkny

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(208): View more from Idaho

I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table

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(208): I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table http://tfl.nu/g7sx

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(317): View more from Indiana

So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?

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(317): So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road? http://tfl.nu/ir52

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".

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(508): He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely". http://tfl.nu/dfux

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(512): View more from Texas

He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.

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(512): He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club. http://tfl.nu/qxuv

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(937): View more from Ohio

I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.

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(937): I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens. http://tfl.nu/zmnj

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(616): View more from Michigan

On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.

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(616): On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey. http://tfl.nu/p3t0

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night

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(617): Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night http://tfl.nu/jx5s

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(602): View more from Arizona

The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."

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(602): The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..." http://tfl.nu/m7yq

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(607): View more from New York

We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.

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(607): We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre. http://tfl.nu/5g13

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club

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(507): Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club http://tfl.nu/ln6l

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(816): View more from Missouri

It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea

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(816): It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea http://tfl.nu/zoej

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(212): View more from New York

Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!

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(212): Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?! http://tfl.nu/8o3k

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(256): View more from Alabama

FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex

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(256): FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex http://tfl.nu/6kmk

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(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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(630): everybody makes mistakes (1-630): i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances http://tfl.nu/cihb

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(714): View more from California

Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.

(562): View more from California

You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.

(714): View more from California

Well someones bitter they didn't get any.

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(714): Hahaha you puked all over his shirt. (562): You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch. (714): Well someones bitter they didn't get any. http://tfl.nu/4mgl

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

He just wants an even tan

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(860): I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked. (1-860): He just wants an even tan http://tfl.nu/akk9

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(847): View more from Illinois

he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?

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(847): he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel? http://tfl.nu/aqse

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(914): she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it" http://tfl.nu/fy2z

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition

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(610): i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition http://tfl.nu/g0ip

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand

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(908): i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand http://tfl.nu/4jef

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(208): View more from Idaho

Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.

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(208): Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad. http://tfl.nu/m330

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(530): View more from California

dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often

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(530): dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often http://tfl.nu/lo0b

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(256): View more from Alabama

I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.

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(256): I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics. http://tfl.nu/u31h

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(415): View more from California

Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.

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(415): Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea. http://tfl.nu/bfzd

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(520): View more from Arizona

So you had sex with my brother?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.

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(520): So you had sex with my brother? (1-520): It sounds like you dont need me to answer that. http://tfl.nu/xsv7

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(512): View more from Texas

the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

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(512): the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys http://tfl.nu/w106

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

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(509): Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that. http://tfl.nu/jsxj

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(919): View more from North Carolina

They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible

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(919): They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible http://tfl.nu/xaoi

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.

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(267): he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana. http://tfl.nu/oxo3

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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(410): There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you. http://tfl.nu/a558

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

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(401): I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first http://tfl.nu/owtg

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(630): View more from Illinois

I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat

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(630): I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat http://tfl.nu/13uk

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(708): View more from Illinois

I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.

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(708): I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you. http://tfl.nu/xqfj

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(410): View more from Maryland

She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

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(410): She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with http://tfl.nu/po8c

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(716): View more from New York

just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.

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(716): just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that. http://tfl.nu/r8dq

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(219): View more from Indiana

I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.

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(219): I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore. http://tfl.nu/bvdb

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(408): View more from California

It's chlamydia! Thank God!

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(408): It's chlamydia! Thank God! http://tfl.nu/1hqj

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(514): View more from Quebec

please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...

(1-514): View more from Quebec

Does an alley count?

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(514): please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom... (1-514): Does an alley count? http://tfl.nu/n7ir

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together

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(609): i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together http://tfl.nu/y1xi

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

(702): View more from Nevada

now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

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(702): she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave. (702): now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like" http://tfl.nu/f7jt

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(419): View more from Ohio

I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?

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(419): I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included? http://tfl.nu/4lo3

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(802): View more from Vermont

i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke

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(802): i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke http://tfl.nu/r62l

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

someone was throwing condoms at us.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

no, they just magically show up around you.

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(401): someone was throwing condoms at us. (1-401): no, they just magically show up around you. http://tfl.nu/lgd4

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(774): I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass. http://tfl.nu/6q4x

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(408): View more from California

if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place

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(408): if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place http://tfl.nu/15wd

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(818): View more from California

Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.

(818): View more from California

And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.

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(818): Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas. (818): And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you. http://tfl.nu/hyux

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(740): View more from Ohio

There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"

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(740): There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!" http://tfl.nu/rva9

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(949): View more from California

hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk

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(949): hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk http://tfl.nu/17n5

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(415): View more from California

i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap

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(415): i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap http://tfl.nu/bmh2

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(308): View more from Nebraska

What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

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(308): What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts? http://tfl.nu/w182

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single

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(609): you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single http://tfl.nu/hya7

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(615): View more from Tennessee

It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30

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(615): It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30 http://tfl.nu/ukox

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(727): View more from Florida

i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.

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(727): i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina. http://tfl.nu/7vie

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(317): View more from Indiana

Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls

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(317): Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls http://tfl.nu/a8qz

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(519): my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar. (1-519): You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make. http://tfl.nu/j6t1

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(513): View more from Ohio

He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him

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(513): He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him http://tfl.nu/bwdr

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

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(773): Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years. http://tfl.nu/9eix

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer

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(+64): I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer http://tfl.nu/8v2s

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.

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(202): I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded. http://tfl.nu/owwz

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(631): View more from New York

She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.

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(631): She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom. http://tfl.nu/uq6s

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina

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(856): i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina http://tfl.nu/7m3b

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.

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(501): Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure. http://tfl.nu/9bef

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(616): View more from Michigan

There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.

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(616): There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by. http://tfl.nu/au1s

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(785): View more from Kansas

Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him

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(785): Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him http://tfl.nu/x0sm

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(201): View more from New Jersey

normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.

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(201): normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek. http://tfl.nu/tra5

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(214): View more from Texas

Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.

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(214): Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me. http://tfl.nu/otui

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(404): View more from Georgia

i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.

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(404): i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice. http://tfl.nu/2mv5

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(940): View more from Texas

Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night

(1-940): View more from Texas

I don't have a cat..?

(940): View more from Texas

Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.

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(940): Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night (1-940): I don't have a cat..? (940): Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge. http://tfl.nu/uym0

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(623): View more from Arizona

I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.

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(623): I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite. http://tfl.nu/mkl5

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(203): You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly. http://tfl.nu/n1s3

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(623): View more from Arizona

Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.

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(623): Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth. http://tfl.nu/v51o

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(407): View more from Florida

we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her

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(407): we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her http://tfl.nu/n8un

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont know what to do

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

with your life?

(732): View more from New Jersey

no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3

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(732): i dont know what to do (1-732): with your life? (732): no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3 http://tfl.nu/i8yp

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship

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(803): I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship http://tfl.nu/p7or

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(925): View more from California

It smells like ranch

(925): View more from California

Must be all the white people

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(925): It smells like ranch (925): Must be all the white people http://tfl.nu/51vw

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(931): View more from Tennessee

is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?

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(931): is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl? http://tfl.nu/m6rn

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(912): View more from Georgia

I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.

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(912): I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days. http://tfl.nu/3yem

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(562): View more from California

I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.

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(562): I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex. http://tfl.nu/ik0l

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(207): View more from Maine

He violated my cat. I was not impressed.

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(207): He violated my cat. I was not impressed. http://tfl.nu/2ip6

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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(608): you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?" http://tfl.nu/0sa8

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...

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(803): Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together... http://tfl.nu/duna

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

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(803): I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix http://tfl.nu/tcv4

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came

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(412): Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came http://tfl.nu/do8g

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.

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(201): You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality. http://tfl.nu/6ws6

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(631): View more from New York

You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows

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(631): You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows http://tfl.nu/rci2

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it

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(973): So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it http://tfl.nu/ct20

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(406): View more from Montana

she pinky promised me she was 18

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(406): she pinky promised me she was 18 http://tfl.nu/cbo2

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.

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(717): yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup. http://tfl.nu/otef

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(907): View more from Alaska

You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.

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(907): You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink. http://tfl.nu/mebb

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(978): i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf http://tfl.nu/hwzk

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.

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(617): You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias. http://tfl.nu/4ikl

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(561): Bad news is he broke up with me via text message (561): But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville http://tfl.nu/1qx8

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(850): View more from Florida

She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.

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(850): She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out. http://tfl.nu/i2ji

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(925): View more from California

You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.

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(925): You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman. http://tfl.nu/wynx

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(519): View more from Ontario

I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.

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(519): I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex. http://tfl.nu/m5l5

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(519): View more from Ontario

I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick

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(519): I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick http://tfl.nu/bx5i

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(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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(+33): On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..." http://tfl.nu/o65f

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(281): View more from Texas

She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

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(281): She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this. http://tfl.nu/u3zd

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina

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(201): I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina http://tfl.nu/v35k

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.

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(603): did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless. http://tfl.nu/v4st

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(267): We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for (215): Umm you met him three days ago.... (267): I said what I said http://tfl.nu/18h0

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(816): View more from Missouri

Absence makes the cock grow harder.

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(816): Absence makes the cock grow harder. http://tfl.nu/yyl1

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(207): View more from Maine

Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy

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(207): Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy http://tfl.nu/f2lx

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?

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(978): Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick? http://tfl.nu/mjo7

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country

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(651): I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country http://tfl.nu/ju5o

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(973): View more from New Jersey

yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

wtf

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(973): yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina (1-973): wtf http://tfl.nu/idhw

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(925): View more from California

Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??

(1-925): View more from California

Yes. Yes it is.

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(925): Is snow just God skeeting all over the place?? (1-925): Yes. Yes it is. http://tfl.nu/ofba

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked

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(812): I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked http://tfl.nu/576t

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(206): View more from Washington

The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...

(425): View more from Washington

Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.

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(206): The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies... (425): Let's let the open bar be the judge of that. http://tfl.nu/ch8t

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(530): View more from California

He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away

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(530): He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away http://tfl.nu/6kvy

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(305): View more from Florida

God, you're like boner-b-gone

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(305): God, you're like boner-b-gone http://tfl.nu/0pn8

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.

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(405): He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left. http://tfl.nu/juzo

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(714): View more from California

He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.

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(714): He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later. http://tfl.nu/n2z7

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(941): View more from Florida

CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.

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(941): CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES. http://tfl.nu/rhol

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(937): View more from Ohio

Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.

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(937): Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not. http://tfl.nu/7iqg

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(954): View more from Florida

im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls

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(954): im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls http://tfl.nu/n5en

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(813): View more from Florida

Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?

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(813): Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks? http://tfl.nu/4hfi

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(734): View more from Michigan

He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.

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(734): He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another. http://tfl.nu/sx70

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie

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(260): I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie http://tfl.nu/6pmw

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.

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(732): I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered. http://tfl.nu/02c6

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(207): View more from Maine

I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.

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(207): I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee. http://tfl.nu/4bjn

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to

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(506): I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to http://tfl.nu/sk6c

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(850): View more from Florida

I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.

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(850): I don't remember much but I know I looked hot. http://tfl.nu/1lsd

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(817): View more from Texas

God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist

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(817): God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist http://tfl.nu/ubmz

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(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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(914): Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS http://tfl.nu/w0yg

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(618): View more from Illinois

apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.

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(618): apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer. http://tfl.nu/ok9n

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(770): View more from Georgia

i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot

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(770): i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot http://tfl.nu/xdnv

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(410): View more from Maryland

I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx

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(410): I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx http://tfl.nu/s1q1

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(952): View more from Minnesota

we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.

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(952): we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point. http://tfl.nu/kfea

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".

(781): View more from Massachusetts

It was only one, it doesn't count.

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(978): I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES". (781): It was only one, it doesn't count. http://tfl.nu/lfgz

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(907): View more from Alaska

She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex

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(907): She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex http://tfl.nu/o751

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(516): View more from New York

He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore

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(516): He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore http://tfl.nu/31xs

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(678): View more from Georgia

Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?

(1-678): View more from Georgia

630.

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(678): Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains? (1-678): 630. http://tfl.nu/hncc

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(561): View more from Florida

If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.

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(561): If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls. http://tfl.nu/stc1

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(501): View more from Arkansas

At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening

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(501): At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening http://tfl.nu/z1ws

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.

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(931): Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame. http://tfl.nu/0khd

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(301): View more from Maryland

they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.

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(301): they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with. http://tfl.nu/84m6

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(703): View more from Virginia

I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"

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(703): I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila" http://tfl.nu/s09r

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(973): View more from New Jersey

random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.

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(973): random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question. http://tfl.nu/ra0q

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.

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(509): I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact. http://tfl.nu/tkeu

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(662): View more from Mississippi

After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.

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(662): After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do. http://tfl.nu/mztj

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.

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(702): I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad. http://tfl.nu/4uh2

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(303): View more from Colorado

those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.

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(303): those 9 inches of man changed my life forever. http://tfl.nu/b7ob

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(770): View more from Georgia

it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there

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(770): it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there http://tfl.nu/89or

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(703): View more from Virginia

The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.

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(703): The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten. http://tfl.nu/8y7f

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(970): View more from Colorado

If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.

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(970): If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time. http://tfl.nu/fjy0

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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(216): I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance. http://tfl.nu/bz9b

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(240): View more from Maryland

It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.

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(240): It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me. http://tfl.nu/ei1k

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(515): View more from Iowa

theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

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(515): theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass http://tfl.nu/ckyi

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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(732): she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love http://tfl.nu/knwu

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(402): View more from Nebraska

her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.

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(402): her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed. http://tfl.nu/jsdy

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(925): View more from California

She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.

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(925): She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again. http://tfl.nu/nmj5

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(914): View more from New York

tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.

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(914): tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw. http://tfl.nu/h6gx

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.

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(843): I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you. http://tfl.nu/lcu4

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(805): View more from California

He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.

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(805): He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head. http://tfl.nu/up5g

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(206): View more from Washington

He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.

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(206): He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants. http://tfl.nu/v3dq

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(502): View more from Kentucky

so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done

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(502): so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done http://tfl.nu/tthp

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She's like the pied piper of lesbians.

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(405): She's like the pied piper of lesbians. http://tfl.nu/2bl6

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(949): View more from California

I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..

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(949): I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed.. http://tfl.nu/gr14

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(512): View more from Texas

and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through

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(512): and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through http://tfl.nu/6tx9

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(604): View more from British Columbia

when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.

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(604): when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible. http://tfl.nu/pxku

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(845): View more from New York

Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..

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(845): Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup.. http://tfl.nu/wofn

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(410): View more from Maryland

When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.

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(410): When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand. http://tfl.nu/fda6

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(240): View more from Maryland

Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.

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(240): Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't. http://tfl.nu/mosr

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(765): View more from Indiana

I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.

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(765): I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick. http://tfl.nu/m09q

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

morning after pill = breakfast in bed

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(978): morning after pill = breakfast in bed http://tfl.nu/l1az

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag

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(908): I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag http://tfl.nu/s6m9

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(703): View more from Virginia

I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

(262): View more from Wisconsin

how else could I explain the last few years

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(703): I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills (262): how else could I explain the last few years http://tfl.nu/wfh1

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out

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(918): We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out http://tfl.nu/vv84

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(256): i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground. (1-256): dude how high are you right now? (256): do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves. http://tfl.nu/7ihc

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(815): View more from Illinois

I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it

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(815): I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it http://tfl.nu/no3b

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(334): God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises. http://tfl.nu/xfua

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(314): View more from Missouri

i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him

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(314): i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him http://tfl.nu/pw5n

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(512): View more from Texas

He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.

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(512): He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests. http://tfl.nu/eem8

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step

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(617): I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step http://tfl.nu/7m4i

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay

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(508): Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay http://tfl.nu/rfq4

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(504): View more from Louisiana

We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.

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(504): We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that. http://tfl.nu/afy4

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(419): View more from Ohio

i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me

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(419): i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me http://tfl.nu/hyzr

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(904): View more from Florida

He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.

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(904): He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college. http://tfl.nu/3hcf

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(647): View more from Ontario

Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.

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(647): Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts. http://tfl.nu/g67r

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.

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(952): Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages. http://tfl.nu/1djk

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(630): View more from Illinois

She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.

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(630): She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving. http://tfl.nu/1pg2

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(303): View more from Colorado

What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?

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(303): What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil? http://tfl.nu/rel9

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(215): Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing. http://tfl.nu/dzgt

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.

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(603): He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was. http://tfl.nu/3v3c

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(417): View more from Missouri

I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

That's because you are an idiot.

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(417): I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot. (1-417): That's because you are an idiot. http://tfl.nu/6gwl

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(313): View more from Michigan

I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.

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(313): I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex. http://tfl.nu/ugby

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(513): View more from Ohio

i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics

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(513): i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics http://tfl.nu/sgxc

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now

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(952): I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now http://tfl.nu/4ogy

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

His hands were made for my vagina.

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(405): His hands were made for my vagina. http://tfl.nu/uiyy

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(914): View more from New York

Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him

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(914): Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him http://tfl.nu/h9ln

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.

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(401): She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough. http://tfl.nu/js6s

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(585): View more from New York

Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.

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(585): Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven. http://tfl.nu/xlkq

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(516): View more from New York

He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue

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(516): He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue http://tfl.nu/ydk6

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(585): View more from New York

you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it

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(585): you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it http://tfl.nu/37fg

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(352): View more from Florida

we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.

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(352): we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark. http://tfl.nu/009s

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(845): View more from New York

all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed

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(845): all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed http://tfl.nu/tu27

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex

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(604): I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex http://tfl.nu/9dx2

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(803): View more from South Carolina

and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old

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(803): and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old http://tfl.nu/y7b8

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(406): View more from Montana

he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.

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(406): he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me. http://tfl.nu/3m0w

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(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

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(770): my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad http://tfl.nu/o7wi

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

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(508): she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it. http://tfl.nu/mcxs

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(251): View more from Alabama

As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.

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(251): As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you. http://tfl.nu/zyub

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(818): View more from California

Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.

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(818): Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on. http://tfl.nu/cwci

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(281): View more from Texas

Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.

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(281): Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up. http://tfl.nu/tbqv

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.

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(412): She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out... (412): She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7. http://tfl.nu/j9aq

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(630): View more from Illinois

Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..

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(630): Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.. http://tfl.nu/pq67

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(813): View more from Florida

well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked

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(813): well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked http://tfl.nu/vpbr

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..

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(832): I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete.. http://tfl.nu/bykt

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(954): View more from Florida

It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school

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(954): It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school http://tfl.nu/yqnn

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

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(405): Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me http://tfl.nu/44om

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(810): According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant. http://tfl.nu/aq1y

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(516): View more from New York

I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

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(516): I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?" http://tfl.nu/niuk

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(408): View more from California

You make shower sex sound like waterboarding

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(408): You make shower sex sound like waterboarding http://tfl.nu/cy83

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...

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(250): Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls... http://tfl.nu/1wve

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(319): View more from Iowa

So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

(319): View more from Iowa

Decisions, decisions.

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(319): So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you." (319): Decisions, decisions. http://tfl.nu/1ou5

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(807): View more from Ontario

I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.

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(807): I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever. http://tfl.nu/8cfr

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.

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(860): I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night. http://tfl.nu/69i0

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(720): View more from Colorado

Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you

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(720): Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you http://tfl.nu/jkt1

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.

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(902): Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl. http://tfl.nu/a7t2

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me

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(215): i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me http://tfl.nu/j6i2

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(770): View more from Georgia

She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.

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(770): She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut. http://tfl.nu/onts

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.

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(604): Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him. http://tfl.nu/v9q2

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny

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(580): She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny http://tfl.nu/sg6f

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?

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(901): Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out? http://tfl.nu/cfeo

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(813): I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me. http://tfl.nu/z6eo

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(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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(509): Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup. http://tfl.nu/26kw

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.

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(304): I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language. http://tfl.nu/immq

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

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(973): So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter http://tfl.nu/eba3

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(203): View more from Connecticut

the problem with open bar is i never know what to get

(781): View more from Massachusetts

did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."

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(203): the problem with open bar is i never know what to get (781): did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..." http://tfl.nu/knqb

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3

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(403): Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3 http://tfl.nu/lt38

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(602): View more from Arizona

We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

(480): View more from Arizona

What will that accomplish?

(602): View more from Arizona

It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

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(602): We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on. (480): What will that accomplish? (602): It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on. http://tfl.nu/n4ns

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(708): View more from Illinois

Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.

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(708): Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic. http://tfl.nu/b2ov

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on

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(503): Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on http://tfl.nu/atvv

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(905): View more from Ontario

It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner

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(905): It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner http://tfl.nu/bz5d

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(206): View more from Washington

I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.

(1-206): View more from Washington

You are nothing if not reliable.

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(206): I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different. (1-206): You are nothing if not reliable. http://tfl.nu/5ioj

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang

(917): View more from New York City

really making moves this morning i see

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(202): just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang (917): really making moves this morning i see http://tfl.nu/4n5c

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(304): View more from West Virginia

it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.

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(304): it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears. http://tfl.nu/ziqy

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth

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(865): I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth http://tfl.nu/mdm2

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

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(908): Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks. http://tfl.nu/ltgr

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(731): View more from Tennessee

the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.

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(731): the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink. http://tfl.nu/2z0e

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(734): View more from Michigan

Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.

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(734): Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested. http://tfl.nu/xcij

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm so horny

(913): View more from Kansas

I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect

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(816): I'm so horny (913): I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect http://tfl.nu/ggyh

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(678): View more from Georgia

Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.

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(678): Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid. http://tfl.nu/c97u

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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(617): He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up. http://tfl.nu/h2lf

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(989): View more from Michigan

Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.

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(989): Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me. http://tfl.nu/zahg

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.

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(902): driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are. http://tfl.nu/vxum

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(337): View more from Louisiana

There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.

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(337): There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back. http://tfl.nu/dznq

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now

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(267): We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now http://tfl.nu/1wl1

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(912): View more from Georgia

I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.

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(912): I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection. http://tfl.nu/273s

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

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(304): yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at. http://tfl.nu/ro5c

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.

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(508): I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long. http://tfl.nu/opva

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(785): View more from Kansas

Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.

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(785): Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both. http://tfl.nu/00se

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(415): View more from California

is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?

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(415): is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes? http://tfl.nu/tmmj

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(817): View more from Texas

Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.

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(817): Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period. http://tfl.nu/d1q3

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(850): View more from Florida

my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?

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(850): my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom? http://tfl.nu/5x0x

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(703): View more from Virginia

you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.

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(703): you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him. http://tfl.nu/eh64

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(703): View more from Virginia

You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.

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(703): You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason. http://tfl.nu/7b14

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.

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(609): you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off. http://tfl.nu/5lgs

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(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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(205): I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers. http://tfl.nu/jlqp

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.

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(401): Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name. http://tfl.nu/4teg

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(208): View more from Idaho

he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"

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(208): he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something" http://tfl.nu/rcyf

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(801): View more from Utah

He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...

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(801): He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay... http://tfl.nu/tir1

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(914): View more from New York

We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.

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(914): We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial. http://tfl.nu/6p87

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(708): He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS. http://tfl.nu/pf4u

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(224): View more from Illinois

get to allyx's house asap

(312): View more from Illinois

Ok is everything ok

(224): View more from Illinois

Yeah, theres just lesbians

(312): View more from Illinois

omg yes on my way

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(224): get to allyx's house asap (312): Ok is everything ok (224): Yeah, theres just lesbians (312): omg yes on my way http://tfl.nu/mxwb

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(641): View more from Iowa

is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.

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(641): is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink. http://tfl.nu/upl9

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(562): View more from California

cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

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(562): cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi http://tfl.nu/kis8

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(210): View more from Texas

Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

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(210): Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material. http://tfl.nu/16u9

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(507): View more from Minnesota

How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation

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(507): How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation http://tfl.nu/mdo6

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.

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(717): i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does. http://tfl.nu/p0z8

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.

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(401): it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher. http://tfl.nu/14gf

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

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(203): we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint (203): i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you http://tfl.nu/509n

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.

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(412): he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along. http://tfl.nu/2jm5

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(204): View more from Manitoba

So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

You would...

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(204): So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone. (1-204): You would... http://tfl.nu/ljy4

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(+61): View more from Australia

Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.

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(+61): Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other. http://tfl.nu/nigv

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(917): View more from New York City

about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well

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(917): about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well http://tfl.nu/ygjn

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(210): View more from Texas

i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.

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(210): i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories. http://tfl.nu/3qfj

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(443): View more from Maryland

Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

One less school supply you need to buy!!

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(443): Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!! (860): One less school supply you need to buy!! http://tfl.nu/u0z5

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se

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(352): View more from Florida

He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.

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(352): He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number. http://tfl.nu/0dku

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(516): View more from New York

no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"

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(516): no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?" http://tfl.nu/24qc

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

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(727): Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew. http://tfl.nu/ch0g

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.

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(610): I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible. http://tfl.nu/74be

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.

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(502): I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me. http://tfl.nu/3nq2

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(408): View more from California

i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.

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(408): i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person. http://tfl.nu/pbus

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(301): View more from Maryland

It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.

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(301): It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have. http://tfl.nu/pc4d

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(804): View more from Virginia

there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!

(1-804): View more from Virginia

Wait are they playing beer pong to?

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(804): there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule! (1-804): Wait are they playing beer pong to? http://tfl.nu/dq3n

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(410): View more from Maryland

you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma

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(410): you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma http://tfl.nu/40s8

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(502): View more from Kentucky

just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life

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(502): just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life http://tfl.nu/8goj

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(302): View more from Delaware

didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official

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(302): didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official http://tfl.nu/mdan

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(520): View more from Arizona

Have you been tested recently?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune

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(520): Have you been tested recently? (1-520): Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune http://tfl.nu/i2uj

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(614): yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world. (1-614): and what did he say? (614): there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning. http://tfl.nu/xi47

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(478): View more from Georgia

So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking

(404): View more from Georgia

how did that work out?

(478): View more from Georgia

Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...

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(478): So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking (404): how did that work out? (478): Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder... http://tfl.nu/o1yp

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.

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(601): I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished. http://tfl.nu/ezge

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(705): View more from Ontario

She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.

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(705): She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air. http://tfl.nu/d5pp

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(816): View more from Missouri

After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.

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(816): After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship. http://tfl.nu/v7rc

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(440): View more from Ohio

i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.

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(440): i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too. http://tfl.nu/6m2a

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(815): View more from Illinois

I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.

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(815): I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much. http://tfl.nu/aut4

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.

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(780): He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done. http://tfl.nu/315y

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(+54): View more from

My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed

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(+54): My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed http://tfl.nu/m32v

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began

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(570): 12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began http://tfl.nu/mu8u

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter

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(508): I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter http://tfl.nu/gfmg

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up

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(262): The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up http://tfl.nu/qgka

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.

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(859): I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay. http://tfl.nu/kwe9

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.

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(920): Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with. http://tfl.nu/j9qw

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you

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(617): I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you http://tfl.nu/p9k4

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(713): View more from Texas

I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.

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(713): I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan. http://tfl.nu/gm7k

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends

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(732): i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends http://tfl.nu/aaz6

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(701): View more from North Dakota

For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.

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(701): For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza. http://tfl.nu/ui1g

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(518): View more from New York

its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.

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(518): its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant. http://tfl.nu/kaeb

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(810): View more from Michigan

Whats the count minus fat chicks?

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(810): Whats the count minus fat chicks? http://tfl.nu/9ldi

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(315): View more from New York

so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese

(315): View more from New York

here comes the puke

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(315): so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese (315): here comes the puke http://tfl.nu/32gj

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.

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(724): Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues. http://tfl.nu/n3ga

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(425): View more from Washington

Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.

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(425): Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me. http://tfl.nu/edgt

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.

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(330): I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies. http://tfl.nu/hccw

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(813): View more from Florida

We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.

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(813): We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again. http://tfl.nu/6j6o

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(919): View more from North Carolina

yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market

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(919): yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market http://tfl.nu/5w22

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(317): View more from Indiana

I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.

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(317): I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me. http://tfl.nu/s4ft

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(845): i can't find my house (1-845): we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago. (845): i'm pretty sure my house moved. http://tfl.nu/nzng

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(301): View more from Maryland

Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get

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(301): Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get http://tfl.nu/ews4

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(773): View more from Illinois

How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?

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(773): How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom? http://tfl.nu/o0zg

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds

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(303): dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds http://tfl.nu/9fcs

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(309): View more from Illinois

I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time

(1-309): View more from Illinois

I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating

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(309): I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time (1-309): I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating http://tfl.nu/74eg

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(440): View more from Ohio

Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Perfectly normal.

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(440): Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?" (1-440): Perfectly normal. http://tfl.nu/lsmy

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(727): View more from Florida

Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize

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(727): Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize http://tfl.nu/86pd

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(518): View more from New York

i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with

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(518): i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you. (202): and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with http://tfl.nu/tq5v

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(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

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(973): how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me? http://tfl.nu/anhw

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(905): View more from Ontario

her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell

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(905): her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell http://tfl.nu/gvzv

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.

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(713): I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now. http://tfl.nu/lp4s

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.

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(413): He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m. http://tfl.nu/2wu4

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(914): View more from New York

I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already

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(914): I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already http://tfl.nu/bq9r

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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(412): He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up". http://tfl.nu/5shs

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(334): This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back. http://tfl.nu/st6c

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.

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(321): they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them. http://tfl.nu/ag5t

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(443): View more from Maryland

He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.

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(443): He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to. http://tfl.nu/5t0r

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(519): View more from Ontario

My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"

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(519): My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things" (1-519): I didn't realize you were one of the "good people" http://tfl.nu/039y

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

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(405): Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon. http://tfl.nu/zm69

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(847): View more from Illinois

The panties match.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I'll be right there.

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(847): The panties match. (1-847): I'll be right there. http://tfl.nu/jbhz

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(252): View more from North Carolina

this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.

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(252): this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats. http://tfl.nu/6vwk

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(954): View more from Florida

i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how

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(954): i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how http://tfl.nu/jixl

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(806): You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck." (1-806): Best pick-up line ever! http://tfl.nu/plrf

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks

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(918): they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks http://tfl.nu/5j5t

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(440): View more from Ohio

Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me

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(440): Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me http://tfl.nu/mmr9

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.

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(403): his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly. http://tfl.nu/boxe

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(408): View more from California

You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now

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(408): You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now http://tfl.nu/y80h

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.

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(228): I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too. http://tfl.nu/itca

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(281): View more from Texas

All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".

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(281): All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems". http://tfl.nu/zcya

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.

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(615): Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can. http://tfl.nu/eowl

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(214): View more from Texas

things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's

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(214): things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's http://tfl.nu/bgm4

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(813): She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus. http://tfl.nu/fd89

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(847): View more from Illinois

yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.

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(847): yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her. http://tfl.nu/lht2

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(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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(614): My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex (1-614): You and your mom would make an amazing tag team http://tfl.nu/l8wh

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity

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(508): Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity http://tfl.nu/5mrd

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(217): View more from Illinois

What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up

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(217): What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up http://tfl.nu/ae7w

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.

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(918): He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is. http://tfl.nu/or0q

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(616): View more from Michigan

sometimes you have to go after what you want

(313): View more from Michigan

true. and i really want to cum

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(616): sometimes you have to go after what you want (313): true. and i really want to cum http://tfl.nu/14gc

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.

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(978): He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore. http://tfl.nu/4chi

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.

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(267): I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does. http://tfl.nu/0qfz

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(727): View more from Florida

Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

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(727): Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore" http://tfl.nu/cs3y

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick

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(501): Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick http://tfl.nu/wixt

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."

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(828): I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke." http://tfl.nu/rseq

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(585): View more from New York

If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.

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(585): If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat. http://tfl.nu/1cgn

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(909): View more from California

don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.

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(909): don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me. http://tfl.nu/8txy

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(708): View more from Illinois

Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.

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(708): Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity. http://tfl.nu/m9p5

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(630): View more from Illinois

She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce

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(630): She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce http://tfl.nu/xuim

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.

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(615): Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span. http://tfl.nu/rd54

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(650): an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty. http://tfl.nu/vy3j

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You just said the magic words

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(484): We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE. (610): You just said the magic words http://tfl.nu/8k47

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(702): View more from Nevada

he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.

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(702): he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome. http://tfl.nu/3i6t

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall

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(919): I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall http://tfl.nu/tdv6

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

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(803): Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear. http://tfl.nu/2r4l

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(650): View more from California

Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th

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(650): Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th http://tfl.nu/8el9

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.

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(414): He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk. http://tfl.nu/wrdx

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(619): View more from California

Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.

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(619): Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me. http://tfl.nu/28u5

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position

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(+44): i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position http://tfl.nu/45mu

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(281): View more from Texas

Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.

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(281): Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing. http://tfl.nu/duvr

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.

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(321): Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school. http://tfl.nu/sa6n

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(702): View more from Nevada

What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs

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(702): What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs http://tfl.nu/q2ol

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(207): View more from Maine

He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.

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(207): He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies. http://tfl.nu/e64k

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(313): View more from Michigan

The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.

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(313): The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her. http://tfl.nu/8p27

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(561): View more from Florida

so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same

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(561): so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same http://tfl.nu/2qn4

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I was literally just a half conscious dildo.

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(570): I was literally just a half conscious dildo. http://tfl.nu/oo11

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(434): View more from Virginia

At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still

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(434): At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still http://tfl.nu/1pcd

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.

(901): View more from Tennessee

BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that

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(662): Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names. (901): BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that http://tfl.nu/oy20

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...

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(603): I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me... http://tfl.nu/t4o6

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(201): i have to get rid of the hedgehog. (765): Does it come with a cage? (201): yes. and food and toys. (765): i'll trade you an 8th for it (201): deal. http://tfl.nu/2d4g

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(760): View more from California

when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

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(760): when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice. http://tfl.nu/5xpe

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(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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(817): They asked me to help them shop for lingerie. (214): Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better. (817): You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for. http://tfl.nu/hqk4

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(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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(815): there was naked duck duck goose (703): how does that even get suggested?! (815): after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal http://tfl.nu/ykdy

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(815): View more from Illinois

He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?

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(815): He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for? http://tfl.nu/k6v7

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

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(843): You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield. http://tfl.nu/umxp

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(310): View more from California

so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.

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(310): so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out. http://tfl.nu/anew

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down

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(978): if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down http://tfl.nu/hyp3

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

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(480): Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness? (774): Someone just got laid. http://tfl.nu/ub8q

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(402): View more from Nebraska

When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.

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(402): When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore. http://tfl.nu/jbik

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?

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(651): I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl? http://tfl.nu/nlrb

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.

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(870): Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds. http://tfl.nu/xv3v

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(252): View more from North Carolina

its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get

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(252): its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get http://tfl.nu/sb3f

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(813): View more from Florida

my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me

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(813): my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me http://tfl.nu/uytx

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(281): View more from Texas

I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.

(979): View more from Texas

I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.

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(281): I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me. (979): I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys. http://tfl.nu/btxr

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(660): THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you. (816): ..So we should take it off Youtube? http://tfl.nu/93os

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(253): View more from Washington

he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.

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(253): he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not. http://tfl.nu/7v4r

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(219): View more from Indiana

Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role

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(219): Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role http://tfl.nu/5zob

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(647): View more from Ontario

hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair

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(647): hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair http://tfl.nu/2ava

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(626): View more from California

in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"

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(626): in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to" http://tfl.nu/ga0k

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.

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(410): Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch. http://tfl.nu/9tc4

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(703): View more from Virginia

But I thought everyone had breakup sex?

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(703): But I thought everyone had breakup sex? http://tfl.nu/04j7

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(314): View more from Missouri

I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.

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(314): I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time. http://tfl.nu/5nj6

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(530): View more from California

We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.

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(530): We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers. http://tfl.nu/jnk6

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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(405): She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade. http://tfl.nu/j0qu

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

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(774): So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life http://tfl.nu/2cua

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(914): View more from New York

you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?

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(914): you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig? http://tfl.nu/9ypp

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.

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(847): Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do. http://tfl.nu/qkwv

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(650): View more from California

We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.

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(650): We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag. http://tfl.nu/1x8m

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(907): View more from Alaska

It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common

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(907): It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common http://tfl.nu/qmer

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(217): View more from Illinois

I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.

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(217): I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex. http://tfl.nu/8evv

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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(281): Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's. http://tfl.nu/ot6m

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.

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(630): I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong. http://tfl.nu/nqbt

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(443): View more from Maryland

His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake

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(443): His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake http://tfl.nu/rol0

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(469): View more from Texas

Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.

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(469): Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way. http://tfl.nu/w8yo

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(716): she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you" http://tfl.nu/sv8k

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.

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(763): The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet. http://tfl.nu/fwq9

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(303): View more from Colorado

She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.

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(303): She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before. http://tfl.nu/yrqt

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(626): View more from California

Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?

(308): View more from Nebraska

Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.

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(626): Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened? (308): Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex. http://tfl.nu/5y08

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.

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(262): yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him. http://tfl.nu/mcsp

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(517): View more from Michigan

you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

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(517): you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii http://tfl.nu/lbrx

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(757): I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want... http://tfl.nu/xmvr

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(702): View more from Nevada

whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want

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(702): whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want http://tfl.nu/m1hp

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

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(732): hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again http://tfl.nu/ne0q

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(318): View more from Louisiana

That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.

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(318): That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior. http://tfl.nu/48ho

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(289): View more from Ontario

So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already

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(289): So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already http://tfl.nu/wb0t

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(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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(831): she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went? http://tfl.nu/99g1

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

I'll google it

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(908): You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time (1-908): I'll google it http://tfl.nu/bsan

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(807): View more from Ontario

I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth

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(807): I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth http://tfl.nu/b4j6

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(720): View more from Colorado

I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls

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(720): I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls http://tfl.nu/uqfq

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

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(662): I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high. http://tfl.nu/4f4j

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.

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(506): He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants. http://tfl.nu/uu5r

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(647): View more from Ontario

Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?

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(647): Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public? http://tfl.nu/9yr1

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(310): View more from California

It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

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(310): It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations http://tfl.nu/cpf7

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(205): View more from Alabama

Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.

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(205): Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that. http://tfl.nu/r5hc

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(443): its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike (303): you still have morals? (443): Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole http://tfl.nu/6ecs

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(973): View more from New Jersey

after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college

(973): View more from New Jersey

she has no idea

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(973): after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college (973): she has no idea http://tfl.nu/zn6b

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(208): View more from Idaho

When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome

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(208): When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome http://tfl.nu/r1ky

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(416): View more from Toronto

I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.

(905): View more from Ontario

Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.

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(416): I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny. (905): Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night. http://tfl.nu/j8pa

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.

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(505): He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off. http://tfl.nu/4dsi

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(203): View more from Connecticut

all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby

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(203): all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby http://tfl.nu/jjj6

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(314): View more from Missouri

Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.

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(314): Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me. http://tfl.nu/jiov

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.

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(205): I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology. http://tfl.nu/8ghc

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(602): View more from Arizona

And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone

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(602): And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone http://tfl.nu/f58w

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(706): View more from Georgia

I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.

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(706): I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life. http://tfl.nu/uth4

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(561): View more from Florida

She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'

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(561): She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS' http://tfl.nu/cd1u

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(407): View more from Florida

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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(407): I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying. http://tfl.nu/u472

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(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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(337): All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!" http://tfl.nu/qrwa

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.

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(402): Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier. http://tfl.nu/f40g

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.

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(724): Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part. http://tfl.nu/1dsi

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied

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(609): I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied http://tfl.nu/rkdz

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(816): View more from Missouri

he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

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(816): he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard. http://tfl.nu/weqf

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(802): View more from Vermont

beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.

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(802): beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces. http://tfl.nu/r2in

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(330): View more from Ohio

why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

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(330): why is there cat hair all over my deoderant? (1-330): she wanted to smell more freshershest than you. http://tfl.nu/rk6z

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(515): View more from Iowa

hes a good boy he deserves a good blow

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(515): hes a good boy he deserves a good blow http://tfl.nu/pix3

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics

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(773): I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics http://tfl.nu/o0a3

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"

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(484): I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation" http://tfl.nu/sb0g

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(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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(816): She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit? http://tfl.nu/kt2r

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(904): View more from Florida

I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.

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(904): I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea. http://tfl.nu/bxd6

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(337): View more from Louisiana

if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

so you admit it was good then??

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(337): if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600. (1-337): so you admit it was good then?? http://tfl.nu/xl9i

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(323): View more from California

it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway

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(323): it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway http://tfl.nu/ikbt

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(313): View more from Michigan

She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

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(313): She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement. http://tfl.nu/rfma

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!

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(704): i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like! http://tfl.nu/0t7g

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(678): View more from Georgia

Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.

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(678): Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi. http://tfl.nu/4g6k

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck now we have to have sex

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

What?

(203): View more from Connecticut

In a bet, need to win

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(203): Fuck now we have to have sex (1-203): What? (203): In a bet, need to win http://tfl.nu/ejzn

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(515): View more from Iowa

So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

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(515): So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry. http://tfl.nu/0btw

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.

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(715): We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay. http://tfl.nu/aupb

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(281): View more from Texas

i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.

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(281): i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night. http://tfl.nu/0cve

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.

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(203): The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this. http://tfl.nu/mzic

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(864): View more from South Carolina

You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.

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(864): You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable. http://tfl.nu/afg8

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(830): View more from Texas

You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy

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(830): You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy http://tfl.nu/g7o4

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(817): View more from Texas

You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

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(817): You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go http://tfl.nu/d1mz

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(479): View more from Arkansas

He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."

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(479): He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana." http://tfl.nu/t5zw

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.

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(405): he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love. http://tfl.nu/r7jm

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(336): View more from North Carolina

and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex

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(336): and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex http://tfl.nu/hs2b

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(248): View more from Michigan

He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.

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(248): He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me. http://tfl.nu/d9on

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(281): View more from Texas

I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.

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(281): I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely. http://tfl.nu/tovx

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(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

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(802): his penis is PERFECT (802): I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm (802): or knit it little hat http://tfl.nu/4cuj

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

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(270): Don't worry. I has chaperone. http://tfl.nu/r0c5

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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(304): I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God." http://tfl.nu/1oy5

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(210): View more from Texas

Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

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(210): Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO. http://tfl.nu/ip2n

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians

(503): View more from Oregon

How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?

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(206): I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians (503): How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often? http://tfl.nu/gll8

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(412): I'm pregnant just thinking about him. http://tfl.nu/pqtq

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(607): View more from New York

do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand

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(607): do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand http://tfl.nu/6yen

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk

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(508): Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk http://tfl.nu/i7vt

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(937): View more from Ohio

We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.

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(937): We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard. http://tfl.nu/l7xl

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(248): View more from Michigan

She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.

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(248): She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot. http://tfl.nu/w0w1

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(417): View more from Missouri

I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.

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(417): I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me. http://tfl.nu/vc9f

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...

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(701): Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty... http://tfl.nu/qvnt

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.

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(203): he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs. http://tfl.nu/0b7z

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems

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(609): i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems http://tfl.nu/8tgm

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat

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(402): I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat http://tfl.nu/ufc8

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(305): View more from Florida

We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.

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(305): We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had. http://tfl.nu/tauu

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(712): View more from Iowa

I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night

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(712): I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night http://tfl.nu/v3fw

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.

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(262): Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta. http://tfl.nu/1aj3

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(520): View more from Arizona

while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.

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(520): while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE. http://tfl.nu/b4l7

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(401): His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old http://tfl.nu/b9xq

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

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(401): I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants. (401): Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean. http://tfl.nu/96j7

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(614): View more from Ohio

Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.

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(614): Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid. http://tfl.nu/mefj

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he even offered to make my bed in the morning.

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(215): he even offered to make my bed in the morning. http://tfl.nu/d13v

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(740): View more from Ohio

He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.

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(740): He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick. http://tfl.nu/4s44

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(330): View more from Ohio

would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.

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(330): would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles. http://tfl.nu/usa7

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.

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(609): I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke. http://tfl.nu/r10e

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(540): View more from Virginia

It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her

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(540): It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her http://tfl.nu/aiow

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Why are you covered in frosting?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.

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(952): Why are you covered in frosting? (262): Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy. http://tfl.nu/9hct

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay

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(917): I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay http://tfl.nu/145k

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.

(917): View more from New York City

me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.

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(317): Sitting here wishing there were men in my life. (917): me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time. http://tfl.nu/mpan

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(703): View more from Virginia

like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.

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(703): like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it. http://tfl.nu/vg3u

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

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(978): went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed http://tfl.nu/x5dq

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(407): View more from Florida

i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing

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(407): i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing http://tfl.nu/l66q

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(850): View more from Florida

All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.

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(850): All of my current injuries can be related back to sex. http://tfl.nu/ncc6

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(585): View more from New York

I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.

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(585): I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet. http://tfl.nu/fy09

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(770): View more from Georgia

who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!

(404): View more from Georgia

you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.

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(770): who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!! (404): you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship. http://tfl.nu/9p9t

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(609): View more from New Jersey

imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.

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(609): imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift. http://tfl.nu/z6oe

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(901): View more from Tennessee

when i was alone, his dick was there for me...

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(901): when i was alone, his dick was there for me... http://tfl.nu/g7ma

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(908): View more from New Jersey

so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.

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(908): so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie. http://tfl.nu/eug9

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(415): View more from California

My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.

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(415): My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements. http://tfl.nu/vs0n

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(850): View more from Florida

So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.

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(850): So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm. http://tfl.nu/5svr

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(235): View more from

I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

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(235): I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick. http://tfl.nu/7zv4

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(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

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(904): Another one? Damn, how many David's is that? (1-904): six. (904): Oh, I thought it was higher. (1-904): No, that would be the Matt's http://tfl.nu/8llg

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(319): View more from Iowa

he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"

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(319): he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you" http://tfl.nu/5pu4

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(802): View more from Vermont

But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!

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(802): But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was! http://tfl.nu/nt2c

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(310): View more from California

I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it

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(310): I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it http://tfl.nu/jugc

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(248): View more from Michigan

I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop

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(248): I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop http://tfl.nu/8y0s

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(714): View more from California

It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time

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(714): It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time http://tfl.nu/v4kt

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(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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(804): she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs. http://tfl.nu/jax9

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(256): View more from Alabama

FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.

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(256): FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation. http://tfl.nu/7b12

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better

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(780): No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better http://tfl.nu/pitl

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(210): View more from Texas

drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend

(1-210): View more from Texas

I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.

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(210): drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend (1-210): I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning. http://tfl.nu/558s

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(816): View more from Missouri

I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??

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(816): I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right?? http://tfl.nu/udb6

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(716): View more from New York

I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.

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(716): I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas. http://tfl.nu/cqgv

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.

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(413): So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge. http://tfl.nu/jdua

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(904): Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is. http://tfl.nu/v4zj

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(512): View more from Texas

You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."

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(512): You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you." http://tfl.nu/7ipp

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.

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(864): Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw. http://tfl.nu/6c9n

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(361): View more from Texas

Did i throw a brick at someone last night?

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(361): Did i throw a brick at someone last night? http://tfl.nu/tk7m

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(204): View more from Manitoba

well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?

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(204): well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing? http://tfl.nu/m8p9

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(415): View more from California

There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.

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(415): There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail. http://tfl.nu/6ic6

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(561): View more from Florida

This is the prime rib incident all over again

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(561): This is the prime rib incident all over again http://tfl.nu/74hx

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(224): View more from Illinois

It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'

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(224): It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat' http://tfl.nu/0g9k

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.

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(615): Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs. http://tfl.nu/w8zn

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.

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(218): Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion. http://tfl.nu/1y37

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(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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(925): don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement (510): big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault. http://tfl.nu/lnx0

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(847): View more from Illinois

The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job

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(847): The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job http://tfl.nu/ki5a

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(630): View more from Illinois

He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.

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(630): He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors. http://tfl.nu/ipmp

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(303): It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence. http://tfl.nu/6jog

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.

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(978): I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism. http://tfl.nu/fmul

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(305): View more from Florida

its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face

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(305): its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face http://tfl.nu/dxi4

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(251): View more from Alabama

how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?

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(251): how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her? http://tfl.nu/cyj5

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(647): all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes (905): You're fat. Stop making excuses http://tfl.nu/rdmk

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(203): View more from Connecticut

as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's gonna be a great weekend

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(203): as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot (1-203): it's gonna be a great weekend http://tfl.nu/mkok

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(207): View more from Maine

Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.

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(207): Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina. http://tfl.nu/f26o

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"

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(770): All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better" http://tfl.nu/pc1d

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(770): View more from Georgia

he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players

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(770): he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players http://tfl.nu/ani7

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.

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(479): I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head. http://tfl.nu/p8jq

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(404): View more from Georgia

just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING

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(404): just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING http://tfl.nu/vg2h

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(802): View more from Vermont

I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

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(802): I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do http://tfl.nu/o1hg

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(719): View more from Colorado

Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!

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(719): Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?! http://tfl.nu/aect

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(815): View more from Illinois

you thought your balls were fighting each other...

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(815): you thought your balls were fighting each other... http://tfl.nu/ci9x

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(716): View more from New York

She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met

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(716): She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met http://tfl.nu/xjfv

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(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

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(248): Am i fat? (1-248): Well i wouldnt let you on top http://tfl.nu/1yk2

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(815): View more from Illinois

Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.

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(815): Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites. http://tfl.nu/zd6b

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(734): View more from Michigan

I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.

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(734): I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again. http://tfl.nu/x69l

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(317): View more from Indiana

i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex

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(317): i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex http://tfl.nu/eh60

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(484): Ask politely. (610): Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you? (484): Thats good enough. http://tfl.nu/nxir

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(702): View more from Nevada

sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.

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(702): sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick. http://tfl.nu/022f

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(915): View more from Texas

Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"

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(915): Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches" http://tfl.nu/07la

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I wish his dick was as long as his hair.

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(617): I wish his dick was as long as his hair. http://tfl.nu/x3k7

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(210): View more from Texas

I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.

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(210): I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you. http://tfl.nu/z9fg

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.

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(202): the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other. http://tfl.nu/vc7e

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(425): View more from Washington

i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

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(425): i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life. http://tfl.nu/aawj

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now

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(908): Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now http://tfl.nu/hukx

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(912): View more from Georgia

Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.

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(912): Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops. http://tfl.nu/tuda

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(847): He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours. http://tfl.nu/vgfj

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help

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(917): I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help http://tfl.nu/ynln

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.

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(414): My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with. http://tfl.nu/07fq

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"

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(919): It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it" http://tfl.nu/8bv4

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(951): View more from California

My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now

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(951): My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now http://tfl.nu/leuk

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(925): View more from California

I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible

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(925): I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible http://tfl.nu/u9b3

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.

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(603): Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever. http://tfl.nu/1r4h

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(250): Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom? http://tfl.nu/cirg

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(315): View more from New York

dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you

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(315): dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you http://tfl.nu/n46y

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(630): View more from Illinois

Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.

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(630): Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila. http://tfl.nu/cfz3

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.

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(781): I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy. http://tfl.nu/bakf

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.

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(702): she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom. http://tfl.nu/em4c

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.

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(215): its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass. http://tfl.nu/z2s4

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(856): View more from New Jersey

They are making fun of natty and blackberries.

(646): View more from New York

Tell them they are ugly.

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(856): They are making fun of natty and blackberries. (646): Tell them they are ugly. http://tfl.nu/s2y1

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(360): View more from Washington

I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days

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(360): I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days http://tfl.nu/ngst

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(807): View more from Ontario

Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables

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(807): Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables http://tfl.nu/0ytp

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.

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(709): ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome. http://tfl.nu/2x6n

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.

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(704): He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle. http://tfl.nu/j8z9

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(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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(626): she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo http://tfl.nu/loae

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(253): View more from Washington

I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.

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(253): I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs. http://tfl.nu/cszc

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(585): View more from New York

I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.

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(585): I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys. http://tfl.nu/354b

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(913): View more from Kansas

his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.

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(913): his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up. http://tfl.nu/i0an

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(319): View more from Iowa

How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

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(319): How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules. http://tfl.nu/ttz2

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before

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(615): You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before http://tfl.nu/c77w

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!

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(412): Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid! http://tfl.nu/xi6r

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.

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(201): just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit. http://tfl.nu/jcis

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(208): View more from Idaho

How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?

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(208): How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles? http://tfl.nu/g9w4

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance

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(724): I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance http://tfl.nu/bc1t

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.

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(910): I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy. http://tfl.nu/pewg

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(903): View more from Texas

Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay

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(903): Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay http://tfl.nu/z5xx

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(480): View more from Arizona

I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together

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(480): I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together http://tfl.nu/zzdp

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(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.

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(317): All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America. http://tfl.nu/3zlb

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Actions speak louder than pants.

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(865): Actions speak louder than pants. http://tfl.nu/3ga3

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(318): View more from Louisiana

What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?

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(318): What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway? http://tfl.nu/w9j3

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(905): View more from Ontario

He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer

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(905): He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer http://tfl.nu/xvzr

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(330): View more from Ohio

The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Well it worked

(330): View more from Ohio

Not the point

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(330): The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind (1-330): Well it worked (330): Not the point http://tfl.nu/mxs7

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(209): View more from California

Responsibility does not care about your dick.

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(209): Responsibility does not care about your dick. http://tfl.nu/xdqb

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(732): View more from New Jersey

My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore

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(732): My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore http://tfl.nu/2pmj

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(954): View more from Florida

It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments

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(954): It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments http://tfl.nu/zq97

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(602): View more from Arizona

Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.

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(602): Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest. http://tfl.nu/apc8

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(856): View more from New Jersey

There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.

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(856): There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened. http://tfl.nu/ncfk

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(941): View more from Florida

Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.

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(941): Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick. http://tfl.nu/3ndf

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(410): View more from Maryland

i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.

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(410): i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow. http://tfl.nu/v829

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(936): View more from Texas

She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.

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(936): She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while. http://tfl.nu/5c77

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(802): View more from Vermont

Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.

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(802): Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there. http://tfl.nu/8qlt

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.

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(608): I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs. http://tfl.nu/6w3y

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(248): View more from Michigan

I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.

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(248): I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory. http://tfl.nu/kmrf

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW

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(403): OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW http://tfl.nu/587x

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex

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(414): and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex http://tfl.nu/wscy

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(203): you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress' (508): what was i wearing? (203): nothing http://tfl.nu/2bg6

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(503): View more from Oregon

One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

(503): View more from Oregon

By 8 I mean 9.

(503): View more from Oregon

And by 9 I mean 10.

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(503): One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party. (503): By 8 I mean 9. (503): And by 9 I mean 10. http://tfl.nu/vux8

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast

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(609): i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast http://tfl.nu/q9sr

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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(204): I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?" (1-204): you are both the best and worst wingman ever. http://tfl.nu/2hl0

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(518): View more from New York

I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.

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(518): I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday. http://tfl.nu/tx0i

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(914): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it

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(914): i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it http://tfl.nu/9xaf

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(734): View more from Michigan

I wish I had a frozen water bed.

(253): View more from Washington

best. idea. ever.

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(734): I wish I had a frozen water bed. (253): best. idea. ever. http://tfl.nu/r1w7

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(619): View more from California

I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.

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(619): I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine. http://tfl.nu/k1fq

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.

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(412): he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night. http://tfl.nu/6lcj

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(813): View more from Florida

he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there

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(813): he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there http://tfl.nu/k2pn

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(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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(630): Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on. (217): Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder. http://tfl.nu/huht

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(561): View more from Florida

definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?

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(561): definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful? http://tfl.nu/v0si

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