Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
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I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
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