why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.