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You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.Â
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Houston, we have a blender
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You made me cry and you don't even care
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
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