Texts From Last Night

psychosimian's Favorites Texts:

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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

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  (832): Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem http://tfl.nu/ll71
  Replies (6) Good night (2145) Bad night (165) Order T-Shirt
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  (979): View more from Texas

  A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.

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  (979): A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her. http://tfl.nu/dqlo
  Replies (12) Good night (400) Bad night (1169) Order T-Shirt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.

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  (586): He played pinball with my ovaries. He won. http://tfl.nu/otpy
  Replies (7) Good night (1080) Bad night (269) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.

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  (518): It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun. http://tfl.nu/n6c2
  Replies (21) Good night (1843) Bad night (637)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.

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  (314): Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress. http://tfl.nu/ibp9
  Replies (16) Good night (2428) Bad night (695) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge

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  (916): I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge http://tfl.nu/9m2f
  Replies (4) Good night (704) Bad night (667) Order T-Shirt
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.

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  (252): If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech. http://tfl.nu/hajp
  Replies (7) Good night (1462) Bad night (175) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?

  (1-419): View more from Ohio

  Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.

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  (419): Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate? (1-419): Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly. http://tfl.nu/ok5v
  Replies (18) Good night (2553) Bad night (196) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

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  (860): Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now. http://tfl.nu/0rnz
  Replies (4) Good night (2208) Bad night (214)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"

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  (314): Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do" http://tfl.nu/rrgq
  Replies (11) Good night (1966) Bad night (647)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.

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  (970): I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed. http://tfl.nu/hmgx
  Replies (9) Good night (266) Bad night (1142) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next

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  (850): She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next http://tfl.nu/slhn
  Replies (9) Good night (3010) Bad night (179) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.

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  (919): It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion. http://tfl.nu/luwj
  Replies (9) Good night (2150) Bad night (193) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.

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  (765): how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol. http://tfl.nu/c7jp
  Replies (48) Good night (547) Bad night (5911) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner

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  (757): The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner http://tfl.nu/cdsa
  Replies (9) Good night (1777) Bad night (545)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...

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  (248): Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower... http://tfl.nu/43yc
  Replies (14) Good night (249) Bad night (1756) Order T-Shirt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.

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  (505): It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm. http://tfl.nu/vdhu
  Replies (15) Good night (4238) Bad night (282)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  he is risen halelujah

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  (303): nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ (1-303): he is risen halelujah http://tfl.nu/sbcr
  Replies (6) Good night (1155) Bad night (369) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!

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  (918): Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter! http://tfl.nu/uf3h
  Replies (12) Good night (565) Bad night (1205) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...

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  (817): No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex... http://tfl.nu/th3v
  Replies (7) Good night (1264) Bad night (287) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

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  (704): Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor. http://tfl.nu/wceh
  Replies (8) Good night (3150) Bad night (640)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"

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  (410): In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!" http://tfl.nu/p213
  Replies (23) Good night (1092) Bad night (7319)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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  (919): Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today. http://tfl.nu/hnp2
  Replies (12) Good night (5603) Bad night (295)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  he's gonorrhea incarnate

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  (201): he's gonorrhea incarnate http://tfl.nu/krir
  Replies (2) Good night (190) Bad night (1038) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird

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  (908): She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird http://tfl.nu/j88i
  Replies (3) Good night (1463) Bad night (328) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.

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  (415): I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history. http://tfl.nu/x6ei
  Replies (13) Good night (480) Bad night (1283)
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.

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  (260): Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed. http://tfl.nu/ajvn
  Replies (4) Good night (1849) Bad night (341) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often

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  (902): Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often http://tfl.nu/p8eg
  Replies (14) Good night (1293) Bad night (251) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now

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  (714): he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now http://tfl.nu/kusn
  Replies (12) Good night (1933) Bad night (321) Order T-Shirt
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  (646): View more from New York

  My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...

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  (646): My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play... http://tfl.nu/zidw
  Replies (17) Good night (1222) Bad night (3889) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.

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  (360): It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha. http://tfl.nu/9aca
  Replies (3) Good night (1097) Bad night (592) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep

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  (773): she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep http://tfl.nu/xysb
  Replies (11) Good night (1431) Bad night (691) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.

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  (609): I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art. http://tfl.nu/g5lr
  Replies (14) Good night (1823) Bad night (459) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage

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  (781): i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage http://tfl.nu/ka66
  Replies (9) Good night (1702) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.

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  (570): God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today. http://tfl.nu/74x0
  Replies (5) Good night (835) Bad night (346) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  How do you feel?

  (1-970): View more from Colorado

  Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.

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  (970): How do you feel? (1-970): Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again. http://tfl.nu/th8n
  Replies (6) Good night (633) Bad night (1151) Order T-Shirt
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  (409): View more from Texas

  Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.

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  (409): Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since. http://tfl.nu/vhst
  Replies (4) Good night (1072) Bad night (210) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.

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  (916): No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace. http://tfl.nu/5hw2
  Replies (11) Good night (744) Bad night (1664) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.

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  (517): Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door. http://tfl.nu/ryl2
  Replies (9) Good night (484) Bad night (1362) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.

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  (775): If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you. http://tfl.nu/tyav
  Replies (4) Good night (1195) Bad night (330) Order T-Shirt
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  (432): View more from Texas

  she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.

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  (432): she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback. http://tfl.nu/m8zb
  Replies (18) Good night (3279) Bad night (296)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.

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  (248): Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students. http://tfl.nu/08kn
  Replies (48) Good night (598) Bad night (4153)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.

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  (202): She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums. http://tfl.nu/4fck
  Replies (14) Good night (2065) Bad night (411) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.

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  (413): Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion. http://tfl.nu/ppkx
  Replies (6) Good night (1968) Bad night (308) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar

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  (732): How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar http://tfl.nu/83wg
  Replies (10) Good night (2622) Bad night (395) Order T-Shirt
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.

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  (218): You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate. http://tfl.nu/a3k9
  Replies (18) Good night (3637) Bad night (368)
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  (818): View more from California

  She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?

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  (818): She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs? http://tfl.nu/4vl4
  Replies (74) Good night (595) Bad night (6027) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

  (315): View more from New York

  Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.

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  (607): I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! (315): Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch. http://tfl.nu/yk91
  Replies (14) Good night (3738) Bad night (427)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.

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  (609): Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style. http://tfl.nu/0udf
  Replies (6) Good night (1728) Bad night (763) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!

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  (916): WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!! http://tfl.nu/wbdy
  Replies (10) Good night (675) Bad night (2266) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN

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  (715): just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN http://tfl.nu/9tva
  Replies (24) Good night (1743) Bad night (271) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...

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  (651): It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart... http://tfl.nu/9gca
  Replies (6) Good night (438) Bad night (1163) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  we need ur ladder

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  (612): He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume (612): we need ur ladder http://tfl.nu/n9qh
  Replies (19) Good night (6635) Bad night (577)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.

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  (970): Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch. http://tfl.nu/x8x8
  Replies (3) Good night (1051) Bad night (269) Order T-Shirt
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.

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  (641): You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid. http://tfl.nu/bnv7
  Replies (18) Good night (937) Bad night (3528)
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own

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  (612): I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own http://tfl.nu/8p1h
  Replies (3) Good night (1022) Bad night (317) Order T-Shirt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.

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  (586): I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print. http://tfl.nu/m0e5
  Replies (6) Good night (1269) Bad night (423) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.

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  (503): I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else. http://tfl.nu/cpkz
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS

  (443): View more from Maryland

  I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.

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  (609): YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS (443): I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO. http://tfl.nu/tc5m
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?

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  (312): I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp? http://tfl.nu/sqhc
  Replies (20) Good night (3027) Bad night (384)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.

  (1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Wait. Someome brought slutcake?

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  (403): Christ, I really took the slutcake last night. (1-403): Wait. Someome brought slutcake? http://tfl.nu/hkv2
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.

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  (928): I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready. http://tfl.nu/c6az
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.

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  (289): Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food. http://tfl.nu/bfcw
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  (360): View more from Washington

  thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking

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  (360): thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking http://tfl.nu/sj60
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.

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  (508): All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears. http://tfl.nu/qmop
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."

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  (512): I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy." http://tfl.nu/udmr
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.

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  (970): I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out. http://tfl.nu/m1u8
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.

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  (920): Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be. http://tfl.nu/nyya
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles

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  (816): My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles http://tfl.nu/kz93
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back

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  (912): Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back http://tfl.nu/294t
  Replies (7) Good night (2294) Bad night (401)
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.

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  (856): two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets. http://tfl.nu/gsqf
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly

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  (203): You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly http://tfl.nu/snl2
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.

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  (484): if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate. http://tfl.nu/ujin
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  (845): View more from New York

  Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch

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  (845): Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch http://tfl.nu/iuw1
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?

  (1-608): View more from Wisconsin

  I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.

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  (608): So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf? (1-608): I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account. http://tfl.nu/4oht
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  I have got to meet this girl.

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  (860): she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW (1-860): I have got to meet this girl. http://tfl.nu/ejln
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...

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  (573): I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad... http://tfl.nu/bjgv
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.

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  (647): It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud. http://tfl.nu/qzq0
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.

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  (814): Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate. http://tfl.nu/j5ej
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  (903): View more from Texas

  He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Can I have him when you're done?

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  (903): He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding (541): Can I have him when you're done? http://tfl.nu/4y2y
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.

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  (952): He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan. http://tfl.nu/7ucr
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  (823): View more from

  Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?

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  (823): Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning? http://tfl.nu/98fh
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.

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  (484): judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog. http://tfl.nu/kq70
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  (253): View more from Washington

  There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

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  (253): There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs. http://tfl.nu/3p74
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.

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  (905): Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today. http://tfl.nu/u9so
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!

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  (570): ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin! http://tfl.nu/i1tl
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  (619): View more from California

  i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die

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  (619): i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die http://tfl.nu/4ks9
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.

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  (651): This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease. (507): Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits. http://tfl.nu/blof
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?

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  (780): So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends? http://tfl.nu/kqn5
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you

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  (301): But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you http://tfl.nu/si0a
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  (206): View more from Washington

  i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.

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  (206): i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment. http://tfl.nu/5sgm
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"

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  (412): It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion" http://tfl.nu/m0wm
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.

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  (715): sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad. http://tfl.nu/f27c
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  (850): View more from Florida

  He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life

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  (850): He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life http://tfl.nu/ihqi
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  strike, motherfucker.

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  (423): You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em. (423): strike, motherfucker. http://tfl.nu/ain2
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  (408): View more from California

  She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety

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  (408): She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety http://tfl.nu/edsh
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.

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  (610): I faked it too. I just spit on your bed. http://tfl.nu/1pbs
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.

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  (612): life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix. http://tfl.nu/ht0i
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.

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  (503): If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit. http://tfl.nu/71x6
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.

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  (715): I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far. http://tfl.nu/o4x5
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.

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  (770): Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay. http://tfl.nu/tpqf
  Replies (25) Good night (5436) Bad night (421)
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.

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  (662): She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list. http://tfl.nu/gj4y
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?

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  (513): Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done? http://tfl.nu/t5qr
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.

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  (508): I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine. http://tfl.nu/hmlf
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting

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  (660): i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting http://tfl.nu/v176
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.

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  (402): You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee. http://tfl.nu/tlaj
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  (661): View more from California

  It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas

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  (661): It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas http://tfl.nu/7a5h
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."

  (1-208): View more from Idaho

  Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.

  (208): View more from Idaho

  ......... Poor kitty

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  (208): I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl." (1-208): Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating. (208): ......... Poor kitty http://tfl.nu/dw0s
  Replies (9) Good night (718) Bad night (1555)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.

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  (256): I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train. http://tfl.nu/pxln
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

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  (509): Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom http://tfl.nu/fom9
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.

  (309): View more from Illinois

  "I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.

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  (309): I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head. (309): "I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night. http://tfl.nu/9065
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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  (908): While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you." http://tfl.nu/7a3m
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  (518): View more from New York

  Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.

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  (518): Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone. http://tfl.nu/sx9j
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

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  (609): Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class http://tfl.nu/440m
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.

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  (865): He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her. http://tfl.nu/dj4z
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.

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  (314): This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem. http://tfl.nu/8m5o
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  (739): View more from

  The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.

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  (739): The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous. http://tfl.nu/v9ao
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.

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  (317): Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road. http://tfl.nu/vlcv
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy

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  (617): You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy http://tfl.nu/irre
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!

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  (+64): He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?! http://tfl.nu/rdvw
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.

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  (928): its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u. http://tfl.nu/h95p
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.

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  (816): you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell. http://tfl.nu/74j4
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.

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  (501): gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable. http://tfl.nu/22ca
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.

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  (563): I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan. http://tfl.nu/gr04
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.

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  (910): He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today. http://tfl.nu/xbxf
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.

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  (862): I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated. http://tfl.nu/6ujy
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.

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  (812): Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing. http://tfl.nu/xrfi
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.

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  (651): Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle. http://tfl.nu/f80s
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

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  (403): Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now http://tfl.nu/l7gb
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex

  (206): View more from Washington

  Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy

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  (253): Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex (206): Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy http://tfl.nu/0aky
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS

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  (604): i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS http://tfl.nu/2yyy
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  (707): View more from California

  I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER

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  (707): I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER http://tfl.nu/38g6
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.

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  (320): What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off. http://tfl.nu/fj7u
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

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  (201): A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore." http://tfl.nu/zlen
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  (+82): View more from South Korea

  I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.

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  (+82): I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea. http://tfl.nu/vo0h
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name

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  (571): I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name http://tfl.nu/x94s
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  (707): View more from California

  Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god

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  (707): Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god http://tfl.nu/bbiq
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."

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  (215): i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight." http://tfl.nu/7mfw
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.

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  (616): This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room. http://tfl.nu/k8xh
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  (386): View more from Florida

  It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina

  (386): View more from Florida

  It really is the softest mustache

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  (386): It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina (386): It really is the softest mustache http://tfl.nu/mbrj
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning

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  (704): It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning http://tfl.nu/8zj7
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  (253): View more from Washington

  We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.

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  (253): We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch. http://tfl.nu/tp65
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.

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  (810): my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities. http://tfl.nu/947a
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.

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  (512): I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun. http://tfl.nu/d4m3
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.

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  (519): Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed. http://tfl.nu/q7k6
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.

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  (336): I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked. http://tfl.nu/3p22
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with

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  (208): My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with http://tfl.nu/1h68
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed

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  (630): the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed http://tfl.nu/eaof
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.

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  (706): Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check. http://tfl.nu/kz2a
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio

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  (617): The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio http://tfl.nu/9d6t
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.

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  (504): Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted. http://tfl.nu/mn0k
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.

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  (774): Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist. http://tfl.nu/bzfc
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.

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  (713): Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere. http://tfl.nu/qua7
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure

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  (267): dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure http://tfl.nu/1m9t
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?

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  (910): This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it? http://tfl.nu/41ta
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  (530): View more from California

  I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"

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  (530): I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex" http://tfl.nu/wknw
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy

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  (614): making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy http://tfl.nu/o6e5
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?

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  (403): You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something? http://tfl.nu/hj44
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  They have edible shot glasses at target.

  (1-812): View more from Indiana

  There really is a God.

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  (812): They have edible shot glasses at target. (1-812): There really is a God. http://tfl.nu/0gpe
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?

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  (563): you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship? http://tfl.nu/nsqw
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!

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  (864): After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?! http://tfl.nu/q1jx
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...

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  (419): having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance... http://tfl.nu/f7dv
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar

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  (702): As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar http://tfl.nu/w8o7
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.

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  (201): Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain. http://tfl.nu/l4y5
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.

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  (509): Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape. http://tfl.nu/qdov
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.

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  (404): They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans. http://tfl.nu/hk9w
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.

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  (602): You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice. http://tfl.nu/i4j5
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  (207): View more from Maine

  remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?

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  (207): remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are? http://tfl.nu/u6le
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'

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  (484): during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me' http://tfl.nu/06rz
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  (509): View more from Washington

  walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.

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  (509): walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her. http://tfl.nu/knz9
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  (718): View more from New York

  did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?

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  (718): did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are? http://tfl.nu/17ys
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.

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  (317): I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands. http://tfl.nu/acvp
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.

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  (205): I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick. http://tfl.nu/9o5a
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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  (705): Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/v5hf
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.

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  (443): There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse. http://tfl.nu/gbkz
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  (716): View more from New York

  Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.

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  (716): Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan. http://tfl.nu/rfh9
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?

  (1-651): View more from Minnesota

  yeah you don't forget that shit easily

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.

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  (651): You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"? (1-651): yeah you don't forget that shit easily (651): We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email. http://tfl.nu/xfpa
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Career choice validated

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  (732): Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!" (732): Career choice validated http://tfl.nu/g765
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.

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  (479): If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough. http://tfl.nu/qsaq
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  (207): View more from Maine

  There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.

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  (207): There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth. http://tfl.nu/nr8v
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.

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  (614): Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween. http://tfl.nu/cwdu
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

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  (203): we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing http://tfl.nu/99kd
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.

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  (405): I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you. http://tfl.nu/on2x
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  (818): View more from California

  Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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  (818): Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place http://tfl.nu/xlhx
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.

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  (732): I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach. http://tfl.nu/2w13
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  (432): View more from Texas

  This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.

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  (432): This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire. http://tfl.nu/8ui6
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone

  (1-540): View more from Virginia

  I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her

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  (540): Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone (1-540): I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her http://tfl.nu/pf86
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina

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  (201): I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina http://tfl.nu/v35k
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.

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  (+44): Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off. http://tfl.nu/7fq9
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.

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  (706): Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain. http://tfl.nu/4t48
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina

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  (504): it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina http://tfl.nu/k8v5
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  (818): View more from California

  she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick

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  (818): she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick http://tfl.nu/e1f8
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.

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  (505): Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening. http://tfl.nu/2dkx
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"

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  (541): I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice" http://tfl.nu/9e22
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.

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  (603): Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom. http://tfl.nu/yblg
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.

  (517): View more from Michigan

  We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by

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  (517): Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity. (517): We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by http://tfl.nu/0fvy
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

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  (706): Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out http://tfl.nu/wj5z
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  (903): View more from Texas

  omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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  (903): omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal. http://tfl.nu/qev8
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.

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  (678): i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste. http://tfl.nu/3anp
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.

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  (201): and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate. http://tfl.nu/09wt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants

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  (904): the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants http://tfl.nu/u4r0
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went

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  (289): he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went http://tfl.nu/wqc9
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas

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  (757): shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas http://tfl.nu/w87e
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point

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  (515): the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point http://tfl.nu/syrq
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.

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  (740): your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head. http://tfl.nu/v5j8
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?

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  (901): Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper? http://tfl.nu/q7x9
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Tell me you're kidding.

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.

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  (414): Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet. (920): Tell me you're kidding. (414): Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now. http://tfl.nu/mbei
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse

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  (216): Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse http://tfl.nu/es8j
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?

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  (406): I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete? http://tfl.nu/gioo
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes

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  (519): If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes http://tfl.nu/ayyp
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  (210): View more from Texas

  just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"

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  (210): just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?" http://tfl.nu/ffwt
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  (212): View more from New York

  I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.

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  (212): I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker. http://tfl.nu/yz4c
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  (565): View more from

  It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.

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  (565): It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina. http://tfl.nu/u0lc
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took

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  (780): Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took http://tfl.nu/mwwf
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  (949): View more from California

  I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.

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  (949): I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer. http://tfl.nu/vxsa
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.

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  (608): But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full! (715): I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering. http://tfl.nu/shs1
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

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  (678): I'll always be here to give you immoral support. http://tfl.nu/ss89
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.

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  (775): If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band. http://tfl.nu/wzbw
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  (979): View more from Texas

  i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.

  (903): View more from Texas

  wow. i have no words.

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  (979): i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door. (903): wow. i have no words. http://tfl.nu/bjsv
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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  (615): Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight. http://tfl.nu/ami0
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"

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  (+61): I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer" http://tfl.nu/7qtl
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  (818): View more from California

  She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"

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  (818): She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas" http://tfl.nu/kk50
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them

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  (307): If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them http://tfl.nu/vjhk
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players

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  (651): We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players http://tfl.nu/pd68
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.

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  (262): Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink. http://tfl.nu/n6v7
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.

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  (912): Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute. http://tfl.nu/omad
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?

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  (414): Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that? http://tfl.nu/owak
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won

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  (651): So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won http://tfl.nu/y3ji
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.

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  (512): Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today. http://tfl.nu/tybk
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  You're welcome.

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  (262): Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits. (414): You're welcome. http://tfl.nu/kntv
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.

  (1-201): View more from New Jersey

  You're a rent hooker.

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  (201): No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both. (1-201): You're a rent hooker. http://tfl.nu/wbsz
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  (206): View more from Washington

  we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment

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  (206): we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment http://tfl.nu/gn32
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.

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  (225): thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm. http://tfl.nu/s8ta
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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  (636): He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping. (314): That was the greatest thing i have ever read. http://tfl.nu/0exi
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.

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  (912): He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it. http://tfl.nu/csjq
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A

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  (612): I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A http://tfl.nu/yjw5
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  (+44): View more from England

  mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.

  (+44): View more from England

  "and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"

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  (+44): mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes. (+44): "and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'" http://tfl.nu/aeg7
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!

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  (469): I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida! http://tfl.nu/oplt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake

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  (270): no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake http://tfl.nu/nyba
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  (360): View more from Washington

  it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing

  (206): View more from Washington

  and semen

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  (360): it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing (206): and semen http://tfl.nu/0fmk
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  (347): View more from New York

  i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.

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  (347): i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick. http://tfl.nu/65g9
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  (760): View more from California

  Houston, we have a blender

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  (760): Houston, we have a blender http://tfl.nu/azdt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on

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  (832): You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on http://tfl.nu/zwxm
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you

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  (907): You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you http://tfl.nu/r2n8
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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  (913): I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms. (1-913): So you know, I'm making that my facebook status. http://tfl.nu/4s8l
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...

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  (918): She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger... http://tfl.nu/dhcq
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  (716): View more from New York

  So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.

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  (716): So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar. http://tfl.nu/a5mu
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.

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  (614): she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you. http://tfl.nu/1wju
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms

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  (412): I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms http://tfl.nu/sbef
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.

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  (651): Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad. http://tfl.nu/pphf
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.

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  (+61): You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd. http://tfl.nu/nwi3
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

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  (973): Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride http://tfl.nu/vufa
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.

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  (412): I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon. http://tfl.nu/2tzw
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.

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  (843): Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca. http://tfl.nu/m05t
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  (310): View more from California

  My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...

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  (310): My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope... http://tfl.nu/89fe
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.

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  (703): I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform. http://tfl.nu/4ptq
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  (435): View more from Utah

  When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

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  (435): When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics http://tfl.nu/17q6
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  (760): View more from California

  i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them

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  (760): i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them http://tfl.nu/jlgr
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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  (803): Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar. http://tfl.nu/zuya
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

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  (920): So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome http://tfl.nu/oppr
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.

  (586): View more from Michigan

  It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them

  (586): View more from Michigan

  Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high

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  (586): There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction. (586): It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them (586): Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high http://tfl.nu/t60g
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.

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  (229): Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment. http://tfl.nu/tuh7
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus

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  (202): respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus http://tfl.nu/nfd9
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower

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  (508): Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower http://tfl.nu/74dl
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.

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  (601): If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender. http://tfl.nu/eg99
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  (281): View more from Texas

  She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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  (281): She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out http://tfl.nu/guh4
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?

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  (660): Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test? http://tfl.nu/cwr3
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  (714): View more from California

  you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...

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  (714): you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom... http://tfl.nu/jilx
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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  (217): Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me? (1-217): Vomiting outside the employee entrance http://tfl.nu/gco9
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.

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  (623): My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here. http://tfl.nu/yssz
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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  (440): You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music http://tfl.nu/f2pv
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness

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  (920): I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness http://tfl.nu/erni
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  (214): View more from Texas

  dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!

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  (214): dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones! http://tfl.nu/aql1
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.

  (205): View more from Alabama

  Win!

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  (334): I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender. (205): Win! http://tfl.nu/0n6n
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  (510): View more from California

  I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.

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  (510): I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life. http://tfl.nu/v2uu
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.

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  (202): i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left. http://tfl.nu/4tq4
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?

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  (859): Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga? (502): Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine? http://tfl.nu/6ljy
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

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  (561): I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date http://tfl.nu/ynms
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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  (970): ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and" http://tfl.nu/hqw1
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  (718): View more from New York

  Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.

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  (718): Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet. http://tfl.nu/d2h1
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  (925): View more from California

  I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.

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  (925): I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands. http://tfl.nu/9x0j
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  (760): View more from California

  She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.

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  (760): She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome. http://tfl.nu/43xh
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

  (214): View more from Texas

  Does it taste like semen?

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  (972): I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it. (214): Does it taste like semen? http://tfl.nu/qasv
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.

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  (781): please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again. http://tfl.nu/xtmx
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  My cha cha got a haircut

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf

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  (814): My cha cha got a haircut (724): thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf http://tfl.nu/cixh
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.

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  (541): at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard. http://tfl.nu/6ebl
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at

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  (651): I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at http://tfl.nu/8c2c
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.

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  (248): I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell. http://tfl.nu/ttak
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  (518): View more from New York

  Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.

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  (518): Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip. http://tfl.nu/y6yl
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  My vibrator challenges you to a duel.

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  (610): My vibrator challenges you to a duel. http://tfl.nu/fz14
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

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  (505): Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport http://tfl.nu/iu8r
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  You made me cry and you don't even care

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  (734): You made me cry and you don't even care http://tfl.nu/a209
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

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  (419): His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch http://tfl.nu/wbxj
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory

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  (913): You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory http://tfl.nu/s661
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down

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  (+44): i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down http://tfl.nu/7vyc
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

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  (715): guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off http://tfl.nu/qflt
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?

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  (506): No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude? http://tfl.nu/wnbm
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.

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  (512): Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here. http://tfl.nu/r3kt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

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  (502): dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk. http://tfl.nu/y7ij
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  (206): View more from Washington

  you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway

  (925): View more from California

  I hate that you know that from experience

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  (206): you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway (925): I hate that you know that from experience http://tfl.nu/zmuh
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.

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  (908): I think I actually have rug burn on my eye. http://tfl.nu/mvqe
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!

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  (732): I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body! http://tfl.nu/a54s
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?

  (1-812): View more from Indiana

  You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?

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  (812): Have you seen my high heels that I wore out? (1-812): You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave? http://tfl.nu/rqvo
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  (510): View more from California

  I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk

  (415): View more from California

  yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts

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  (510): I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk (415): yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts http://tfl.nu/5sxt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.

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  (814): listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week. http://tfl.nu/ufqh
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth

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  (203): I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth http://tfl.nu/68yw
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.

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  (203): Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor. http://tfl.nu/o6bb
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  "Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"

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  (905): "Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends" http://tfl.nu/crxa
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things

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  (519): My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things http://tfl.nu/16j6
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket

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  (703): I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket http://tfl.nu/mrk6
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  (415): View more from California

  Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".

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  (415): Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed". http://tfl.nu/ptkf
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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  (309): I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors. http://tfl.nu/cath
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  (510): View more from California

  I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...

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  (510): I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring... http://tfl.nu/set0
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

  (352): View more from Florida

  And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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  (352): Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye. (352): And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave. http://tfl.nu/f5gq
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.

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  (513): I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed. http://tfl.nu/lx5o
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

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  (504): ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town. http://tfl.nu/omo7
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  (818): View more from California

  Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks

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  (818): Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks http://tfl.nu/wbdh
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

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  (816): I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool. http://tfl.nu/0qcg
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.

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  (563): I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished. http://tfl.nu/1qri
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  (415): View more from California

  dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint

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  (415): dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint http://tfl.nu/6bee
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  (281): View more from Texas

  WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

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  (281): WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?! http://tfl.nu/4ghk
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  (858): View more from California

  I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest

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  (858): I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest http://tfl.nu/rx4r
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .

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  (757): i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too . http://tfl.nu/0v5g
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  (561): View more from Florida

  hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?

  (407): View more from Florida

  i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery

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  (561): hey can i ask you a kinda weird question? (407): i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery http://tfl.nu/88o8
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.

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  (570): Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes. http://tfl.nu/7z3e
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.

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  (740): Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table. http://tfl.nu/st2h
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!

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  (917): I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done! http://tfl.nu/5vwu
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.

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  (201): Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice. http://tfl.nu/k20h
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  (727): View more from Florida

  how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

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  (727): how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian? http://tfl.nu/oazh
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind

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  (773): I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind http://tfl.nu/hlcm
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.

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  (207): I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off. http://tfl.nu/j6re
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.

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  (541): I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album. http://tfl.nu/to1v
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  (562): View more from California

  omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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  (562): omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever. http://tfl.nu/2p77
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

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  (571): non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do. http://tfl.nu/8y8e
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess

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  (704): oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess http://tfl.nu/vowo
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  (415): View more from California

  I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota

  (415): View more from California

  everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy

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  (415): I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota (415): everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy http://tfl.nu/10ak
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  (310): View more from California

  she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator

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  (310): she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator http://tfl.nu/t2x8
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"

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  (620): It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish" http://tfl.nu/scbq
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.

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  (314): I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though. http://tfl.nu/qm3u
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  That's science, my friend. Boner science.

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  (937): That's science, my friend. Boner science. http://tfl.nu/d39q
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

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  (+44): At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever. http://tfl.nu/bxy4
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Her vagina should come with caution tape.

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  (248): Her vagina should come with caution tape. http://tfl.nu/ca9x
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  god i miss watching you do this...

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  (612): so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim.. (507): god i miss watching you do this... http://tfl.nu/jwsv
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.

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  (309): they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy. http://tfl.nu/yj0s
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time

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  (719): She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time http://tfl.nu/gadq
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.

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  (859): In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing. http://tfl.nu/n1s5
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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  (240): When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again. http://tfl.nu/1y07
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  It was like getting head from an anaconda

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  (419): It was like getting head from an anaconda http://tfl.nu/fnhr
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.

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  (404): My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early. http://tfl.nu/9qa8
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I look better un-naked...

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  (870): I look better un-naked... http://tfl.nu/umxx
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  (949): View more from California

  I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.

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  (949): I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door. http://tfl.nu/w7kk
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  i hope you realize when i said "grib" earlier i was referring to the gridded binary, a mathematically concise data format commonly used in meteorology to store historical weather forecast data. also meant in referential conjunction to my probability math class that i am failing at roughly 215pm tomorrow afternoon.

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  (808): i hope you realize when i said "grib" earlier i was referring to the gridded binary, a mathematically concise data format commonly used in meteorology to store historical weather forecast data. also meant in referential conjunction to my probability math class that i am failing at roughly 215pm tomorrow afternoon. http://tfl.nu/roae
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.

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  (334): She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard. http://tfl.nu/xu4e
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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  (734): just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies" http://tfl.nu/wh5q
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.

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  (519): I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex. http://tfl.nu/xdk5
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.

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  (+44): It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done. http://tfl.nu/song
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  (917): View more from New York City

  HIV tests are more positive than that guy

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  (917): HIV tests are more positive than that guy http://tfl.nu/rakl
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  (323): View more from California

  Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.

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  (323): Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision. http://tfl.nu/3mn1
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  (518): View more from New York

  The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.

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  (518): The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession. http://tfl.nu/a7rm
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  (845): View more from New York

  I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so

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  (845): I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so http://tfl.nu/bpeg
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  (863): View more from Florida

  I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.

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  (863): I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm. http://tfl.nu/3uu7
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.

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  (609): I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments. http://tfl.nu/kh7m
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  "I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.

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  (662): "I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again. http://tfl.nu/9nn9
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  (818): View more from California

  His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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  (818): His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face. http://tfl.nu/bthr
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius

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  (203): You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius http://tfl.nu/w3wu
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.

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  (901): Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives. http://tfl.nu/lbn9
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  (650): View more from California

  She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine

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  (650): She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine http://tfl.nu/h16d
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore

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  (706): If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore http://tfl.nu/b6gx
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

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  (515): I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that" http://tfl.nu/9edj
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.

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  (918): She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in. http://tfl.nu/ogcc
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.

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  (256): FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation. http://tfl.nu/7b12
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  (818): View more from California

  The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".

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  (818): The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp". http://tfl.nu/1x9v
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  (951): View more from California

  So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

  (909): View more from California

  dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

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  (951): So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito. (909): dude... how have they not drug tested you yet? http://tfl.nu/fx38
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness

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  (303): i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness http://tfl.nu/nepk
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today

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  (715): ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today http://tfl.nu/9i5r
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  (607): View more from New York

  I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.

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  (607): I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better. http://tfl.nu/5tpe
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.

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  (312): You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today. http://tfl.nu/8lzo
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.

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  (402): South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch. http://tfl.nu/xhps
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.

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  (913): Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor. http://tfl.nu/qg7g
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  (559): View more from California

  can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.

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  (559): can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock. http://tfl.nu/805r
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  (903): View more from Texas

  u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?

  (214): View more from Texas

  Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?

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  (903): u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird? (214): Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb? http://tfl.nu/cbow
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.

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  (612): I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin. http://tfl.nu/g2gc
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.

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  (618): I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed. http://tfl.nu/50l6
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.

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  (952): well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning. http://tfl.nu/jye2
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  (619): View more from California

  i miss you so much

  (858): View more from California

  i miss you too

  (858): View more from California

  oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

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  (619): i miss you so much (858): i miss you too (858): oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me http://tfl.nu/932e
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  (727): View more from Florida

  She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

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  (727): She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. http://tfl.nu/rrn9
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  (561): View more from Florida

  He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.

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  (561): He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant. http://tfl.nu/xyax
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together

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  (480): I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together http://tfl.nu/zzdp
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.

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  (908): just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep. http://tfl.nu/seq6
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.

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  (404): This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect. http://tfl.nu/w6ad
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.

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  (978): This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students. http://tfl.nu/2o57
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.

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  (719): Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right. http://tfl.nu/8sag
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs

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  (414): Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs http://tfl.nu/zuhx
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  [insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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  (937): [insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight] http://tfl.nu/2cq7
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin

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  (262): Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin http://tfl.nu/0pd1
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  he fucked me so hard my future children felt it

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  (502): he fucked me so hard my future children felt it http://tfl.nu/ioph
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.

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  (520): The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears. http://tfl.nu/pc9j
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  they're like a gay fantastic four

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  (204): they're like a gay fantastic four http://tfl.nu/6w8u
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with

  (217): View more from Illinois

  well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment

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  (610): thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with (217): well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment http://tfl.nu/vbkf
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes

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  (443): And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes http://tfl.nu/p6zo
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.

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  (901): guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching. http://tfl.nu/ljur
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  (360): View more from Washington

  It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick

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  (360): It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick http://tfl.nu/navf
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  (760): View more from California

  so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

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  (760): so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig. http://tfl.nu/u35s
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"

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  (314): this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy" http://tfl.nu/dlxe
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"

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  (330): and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!" http://tfl.nu/62xo
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  (831): View more from California

  Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"

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  (831): Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?" http://tfl.nu/5mox
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.

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  (765): After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself. http://tfl.nu/i4wo
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  maybe i'll see you again later :)

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I'd rather shit a knife.

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  (612): maybe i'll see you again later :) (774): I'd rather shit a knife. http://tfl.nu/qge0
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.

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  (603): I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed. http://tfl.nu/bqzz
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?

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  (814): So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club? http://tfl.nu/yeac
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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  (870): So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button http://tfl.nu/tmep
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

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  (412): its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him. http://tfl.nu/d3m1
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.

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  (250): for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know. http://tfl.nu/4n1i
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  (310): View more from California

  While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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  (310): While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating. http://tfl.nu/umg8
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.

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  (203): I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards. http://tfl.nu/12q7
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land

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  (508): whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land http://tfl.nu/kude
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk

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  (352): I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk http://tfl.nu/lbo9
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"

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  (860): at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!" http://tfl.nu/hob5
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.

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  (413): You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief. http://tfl.nu/eaos
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.

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  (603): this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with. http://tfl.nu/tzze
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  (954): View more from Florida

  STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA

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  (954): STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA http://tfl.nu/oiv6
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  (214): View more from Texas

  What do you think it is?

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

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  (214): What do you think it is? (615): It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow. http://tfl.nu/3ng4
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.

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  (501): I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home. http://tfl.nu/r4qk
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

  (713): View more from Texas

  Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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  (832): At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept?? (713): Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger. http://tfl.nu/oww9
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  (516): View more from New York

  Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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  (516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. http://tfl.nu/hg3t
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  (530): View more from California

  You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

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  (530): You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger. http://tfl.nu/azyx
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  (516): View more from New York

  See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil

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  (516): See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil http://tfl.nu/4t0w
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh

  (513): View more from Ohio

  is this your pickup line?

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  (304): my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh (513): is this your pickup line? http://tfl.nu/r4ba
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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  (847): he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad? (952): You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him.... http://tfl.nu/ht91
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back

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  (617): but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back http://tfl.nu/ogq4
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  (951): View more from California

  Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

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  (951): Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable. http://tfl.nu/q51j
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  (631): View more from New York

  conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.

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  (631): conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers. http://tfl.nu/22w1
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.

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  (757): Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you. http://tfl.nu/6xm5
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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  (281): I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve. http://tfl.nu/asc9
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  (518): View more from New York

  alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?

  (1-518): View more from New York

  dude. you drew those with your dick

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  (518): alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from? (1-518): dude. you drew those with your dick http://tfl.nu/4t0i
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  (818): View more from California

  Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.

  (1-818): View more from California

  Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.

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  (818): Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night. (1-818): Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit. http://tfl.nu/ras5
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy

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  (678): she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy http://tfl.nu/57ze
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.

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  (702): Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily. http://tfl.nu/1vv1
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...

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  (281): I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness... http://tfl.nu/ikgx
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.

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  (484): Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date. http://tfl.nu/zs6r
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane

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  (586): I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane http://tfl.nu/vhwv
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass

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  (412): bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass http://tfl.nu/ur9n
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.

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  (253): The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued. http://tfl.nu/lx8b
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  (512): View more from Texas

  They should make Jack Daniels chap stick

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  (512): They should make Jack Daniels chap stick http://tfl.nu/3f21
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."

  (1-608): View more from Wisconsin

  At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.

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  (608): Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke." (1-608): At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account. (608): Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot. http://tfl.nu/k199
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm

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  (313): sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm http://tfl.nu/q0uy
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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  (303): Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England http://tfl.nu/wgnu
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!

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  (267): The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering! http://tfl.nu/inse
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.

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  (407): Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007. http://tfl.nu/n4mi
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving

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  (262): just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving http://tfl.nu/vnp1
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating

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  (704): They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating http://tfl.nu/axfv
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.

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  (313): I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures. http://tfl.nu/7qyy
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  (406): View more from Montana

  just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime

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  (406): just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime http://tfl.nu/zrav
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.

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  (630): Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight. http://tfl.nu/jrv5
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away

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  (303): I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away http://tfl.nu/qpjo
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  he confused my yawn for an orgasm

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  (201): he confused my yawn for an orgasm http://tfl.nu/lvnz
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  obviously you're part succubus.

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  (609): Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf? (201): obviously you're part succubus. http://tfl.nu/sqeb
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'

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  (732): His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.' http://tfl.nu/onxp
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.

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  (314): Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning. http://tfl.nu/u08e
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.

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  (919): Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music. http://tfl.nu/oyb0
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  (914): View more from New York

  something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..

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  (914): something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined.. http://tfl.nu/wloj
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

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  (828): you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life. http://tfl.nu/zm5g
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you

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  (215): i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you http://tfl.nu/4yxe
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go

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  (215): i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go http://tfl.nu/3dxd
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  (323): View more from California

  Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.

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  (323): Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl. http://tfl.nu/6wl6
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

  (905): View more from Ontario

  You're fat. Stop making excuses

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  (647): all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes (905): You're fat. Stop making excuses http://tfl.nu/rdmk
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis

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  (248): I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis http://tfl.nu/utf8
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.

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  (305): Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level. http://tfl.nu/s74q
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  (315): View more from New York

  Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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  (315): Hello wreck, this is your train calling. http://tfl.nu/qxsk
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

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  (253): Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack. (1-253): What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited http://tfl.nu/n0ma
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.

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  (847): She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing. http://tfl.nu/qwo3
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...

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  (717): so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody... http://tfl.nu/6y77
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  (207): View more from Maine

  She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "

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  (207): She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? " http://tfl.nu/wyfp
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.

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  (414): He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after. http://tfl.nu/s41l
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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  (703): Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him http://tfl.nu/ek6e
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  (619): View more from California

  So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.

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  (619): So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side. http://tfl.nu/rosc
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  (813): View more from Florida

  He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.

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  (813): He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand. http://tfl.nu/9yan
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  (094): View more from

  After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.

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  (094): After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while. http://tfl.nu/x4in
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  (562): View more from California

  It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.

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  (562): It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice. http://tfl.nu/vbsf
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"

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  (215): best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load" http://tfl.nu/n15m
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  She said she didn't have time to shave "there"

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.

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  (781): She said she didn't have time to shave "there" (617): Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster. http://tfl.nu/ama3
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I'll bet she douches with gravy.

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  (937): I'll bet she douches with gravy. http://tfl.nu/j4az
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  (310): View more from California

  I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.

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  (310): I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in. http://tfl.nu/n54h
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk

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  (480): im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk http://tfl.nu/jram
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  (646): View more from New York

  He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.

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  (646): He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was. http://tfl.nu/uwpx
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.

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  (317): Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace. http://tfl.nu/qgcb
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired

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  (403): i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired http://tfl.nu/1gf1
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  (805): View more from California

  Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?

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  (805): Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement? http://tfl.nu/mmb3
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  (210): View more from Texas

  cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens

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  (210): cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens http://tfl.nu/njf7
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  (518): View more from New York

  my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks

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  (518): my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks http://tfl.nu/8135
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?

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  (309): Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away? http://tfl.nu/ex4f
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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  (570): Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever http://tfl.nu/sgij
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I think we should see other people.

  (1-207): View more from Maine

  Already working on it.

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  (207): I think we should see other people. (1-207): Already working on it. http://tfl.nu/a8l6
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever

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  (208): We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever http://tfl.nu/81xl
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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  (503): we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass. http://tfl.nu/xi9h
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem

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  (570): Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem http://tfl.nu/c9xv
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

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  (781): So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one....... http://tfl.nu/w37i
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  (347): View more from New York

  Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.

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  (347): Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service. http://tfl.nu/eqpl
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.

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  (717): One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date. http://tfl.nu/fy3f
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended

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  (763): After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended http://tfl.nu/x97c
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.

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  (919): i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving. http://tfl.nu/oull
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.

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  (937): I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad. http://tfl.nu/m8mw
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation

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  (507): How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation http://tfl.nu/mdo6
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out

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  (970): went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out http://tfl.nu/unz9
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.

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  (443): She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals. http://tfl.nu/esz5
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.

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  (614): It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead. http://tfl.nu/yvss
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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  (774): It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God. http://tfl.nu/c3gg
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.

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  (215): he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon. http://tfl.nu/6d9i
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.

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  (215): A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts. http://tfl.nu/gdkg
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  (940): View more from Texas

  She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.

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  (940): She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one. http://tfl.nu/4xsk
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  (310): View more from California

  Why did I cab home last night?

  (1-310): View more from California

  Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.

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  (310): Why did I cab home last night? (1-310): Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker. http://tfl.nu/2rna
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  That's the best idea I've heard all day.

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  (248): Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls. (1-248): That's the best idea I've heard all day. http://tfl.nu/w1qi
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  We need to talk about our relationship.

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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  (575): We need to talk about our relationship. (403): I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes http://tfl.nu/0ub4
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.

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  (757): he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so. http://tfl.nu/ifvf
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.

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  (513): Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen. (1-513): She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do. (513): She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses. http://tfl.nu/52u6
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  (845): View more from New York

  just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.

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  (845): just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever. http://tfl.nu/d1ay
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.

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  (219): Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo. http://tfl.nu/ey2b
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now

  (810): View more from Michigan

  But I don't think guys love me

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  (810): Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now (810): But I don't think guys love me http://tfl.nu/t9jt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ

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  (503): jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ http://tfl.nu/lpdd
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  (925): View more from California

  is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her

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  (925): is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her http://tfl.nu/rdgr
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????

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  (414): they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed???? http://tfl.nu/zsp8
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.

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  (808): The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet. http://tfl.nu/mtia
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face

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  (503): I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face http://tfl.nu/4e48
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  (713): View more from Texas

  38 yer olds are good kisserssss

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  (713): 38 yer olds are good kisserssss http://tfl.nu/i4pg
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  (310): View more from California

  He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.

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  (310): He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance. http://tfl.nu/gr0i
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  (510): View more from California

  EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!

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  (510): EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT! http://tfl.nu/n28b
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..

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  (704): CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME.. http://tfl.nu/vguq
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  (207): View more from Maine

  He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.

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  (207): He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice. http://tfl.nu/mmqq
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.

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  (501): SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD. http://tfl.nu/21ls
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade

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  (+61): This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade http://tfl.nu/eefh
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Quick, to the slutcave!

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  (202): Quick, to the slutcave! http://tfl.nu/wu8s
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  (949): View more from California

  I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

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  (949): I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people. http://tfl.nu/vbtd
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  (239): View more from Florida

  I wish I could drop acid with the muppets

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  (239): I wish I could drop acid with the muppets http://tfl.nu/kqkl
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.

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  (507): Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss. http://tfl.nu/1ntp
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.

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  (317): Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good. http://tfl.nu/6afw
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing

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  (313): oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing http://tfl.nu/2oov
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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  (843): He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name. http://tfl.nu/s3qy
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  (323): View more from California

  No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

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  (323): No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too. http://tfl.nu/d0fo
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.

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  (586): there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control. http://tfl.nu/uxm4
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  (916): View more from California

  You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..

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  (916): You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you.. http://tfl.nu/8fyi
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

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  (336): You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed. http://tfl.nu/cedv
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.

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  (609): Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night. http://tfl.nu/lzo0
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.

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  (770): she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front. http://tfl.nu/f1w0
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have

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  (215): Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have http://tfl.nu/hv3g
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK

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  (989): if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK http://tfl.nu/niip
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  (972): View more from Texas

  i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.

  (817): View more from Texas

  Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.

  (972): View more from Texas

  ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

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  (972): i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating. (817): Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away. (972): ur like the dr phil of bizarro world. http://tfl.nu/uybr
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.

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  (859): Your vagina is a self cleaning oven. http://tfl.nu/z5bn
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.

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  (828): Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end. http://tfl.nu/rcny
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.

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  (563): that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark. http://tfl.nu/i86g
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here

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  (586): Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here http://tfl.nu/xld2
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  fucking a dude

  (703): View more from Virginia

  i mean: fucking a, dude

  (703): View more from Virginia

  wow, that comma made all the difference there

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  (703): fucking a dude (703): i mean: fucking a, dude (703): wow, that comma made all the difference there http://tfl.nu/2m4f
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies

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  (703): apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies http://tfl.nu/vhuy
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  (714): View more from California

  so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?

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  (714): so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"? http://tfl.nu/sml3
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.

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  (512): Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor. http://tfl.nu/9a3p
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me

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  (225): at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me http://tfl.nu/xox1
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you

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  (317): so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you http://tfl.nu/m0v0
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked

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  (732): You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked http://tfl.nu/rb79
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  haha good one..how did you even know?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

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  (404): FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night (1-404): haha good one..how did you even know? (404): we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck. http://tfl.nu/dmh7
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.

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  (614): i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better. http://tfl.nu/octl
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  (917): View more from New York City

  My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.

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  (917): My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table. http://tfl.nu/qx0a
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?

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  (610): you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us? http://tfl.nu/gp4k
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing

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  (303): So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing http://tfl.nu/363h
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole

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  (303): She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole http://tfl.nu/g6br
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night

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  (314): I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night http://tfl.nu/ebah
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?

  (1-870): View more from Arkansas

  well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  what chic?

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  (870): do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight? (1-870): well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic (870): what chic? http://tfl.nu/m2xn
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  (315): View more from New York

  He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.

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  (315): He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again. http://tfl.nu/0egr
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.

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  (603): I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part. http://tfl.nu/7yrx
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I wish i was spraying into your jaw.

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  (952): Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw. (612): I wish i was spraying into your jaw. http://tfl.nu/v3tm
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

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  (508): she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it. http://tfl.nu/mcxs
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  (214): View more from Texas

  you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota

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  (214): you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota http://tfl.nu/qqt8
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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  (970): Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did. http://tfl.nu/3qcv
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  (858): View more from California

  We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.

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  (858): We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport. http://tfl.nu/he08
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious

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  (219): My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious http://tfl.nu/6jx4
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  (916): View more from California

  Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?

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  (916): Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface? http://tfl.nu/c14f
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think

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  (763): using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think http://tfl.nu/9ucc
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty

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  (970): Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty http://tfl.nu/gq3b
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?

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  (773): At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer? http://tfl.nu/g4aq
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!

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  (309): i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!! http://tfl.nu/asa6
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.

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  (814): Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade. http://tfl.nu/7055
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame

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  (413): Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame http://tfl.nu/uj51
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.

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  (713): Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake. http://tfl.nu/b27h
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  (631): View more from New York

  If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.

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  (631): If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me. http://tfl.nu/ugtt
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  (631): View more from New York

  I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore

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  (631): I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore http://tfl.nu/upfn
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.

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  (773): I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced. http://tfl.nu/90fx
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.

  (416): View more from Ontario

  Apparently you chose the latter.

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  (902): So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour. (416): Apparently you chose the latter. http://tfl.nu/xdpl
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  (914): View more from New York

  We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.

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  (914): We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor. http://tfl.nu/1mpx
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  it was like fucking gandolphs beard

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  (405): it was like fucking gandolphs beard http://tfl.nu/vnqc
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds

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  (860): And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds http://tfl.nu/xs1z
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper

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  (703): She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper http://tfl.nu/dnfr
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  (207): View more from Maine

  He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.

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  (207): He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ. http://tfl.nu/rtl1
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.

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  (203): Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast. http://tfl.nu/5wgc
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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  (517): we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/tadi
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  fuck the hobbit

  (301): View more from Maryland

  what about unicorns?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  fuck those pointy horses

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  (732): fuck the hobbit (301): what about unicorns? (732): fuck those pointy horses http://tfl.nu/k7om
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  (559): View more from California

  I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?

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  (559): I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day? http://tfl.nu/b9nt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.

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  (281): Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills. http://tfl.nu/z224
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"

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  (403): You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her" http://tfl.nu/oma3
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  (718): View more from New York

  bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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  (718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl
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  (806): View more from Texas

  and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...

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  (806): and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"... http://tfl.nu/oz9l
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.

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  (575): She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary. http://tfl.nu/4ghz
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.

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  (603): you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics. http://tfl.nu/re5j
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"

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  (267): she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it" http://tfl.nu/pya0
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  (415): View more from California

  This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?

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  (415): This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf? http://tfl.nu/a0bl
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.

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  (202): Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death. http://tfl.nu/mvsk
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.

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  (901): Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight. http://tfl.nu/5qmv
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  what's Bukake?

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  a bad idea.

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  (513): what's Bukake? (1-513): a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/i91o
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  (323): View more from California

  The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.

  (1-323): View more from California

  Did you put it in the freezer again?

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  (323): The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child. (1-323): Did you put it in the freezer again? http://tfl.nu/uvmz
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..

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  (203): Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied.. http://tfl.nu/zapu
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.

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  (617): mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore. http://tfl.nu/p0bd
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is

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  (401): If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is http://tfl.nu/twoy
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  (361): View more from Texas

  I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.

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  (361): I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off. http://tfl.nu/sc97
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one

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  (314): Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one http://tfl.nu/zke4
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

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  (609): It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years http://tfl.nu/cjjj
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  (546): View more from

  Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.

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  (546): Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money. http://tfl.nu/o990
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  (406): View more from Montana

  To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.

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  (406): To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved. http://tfl.nu/shxy
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

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  (316): The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts. http://tfl.nu/ngvo
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  Good. You are like the clit whisperer.

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  (320): Good. You are like the clit whisperer. http://tfl.nu/ycvo
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag

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  (970): She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag http://tfl.nu/lpir
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.

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  (203): my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus. http://tfl.nu/bisy
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.

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  (413): im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone. http://tfl.nu/9w3d
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  (516): View more from New York

  That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

  (1-516): View more from New York

  yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

  (516): View more from New York

  Do you have to put it that way?

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  (516): That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him. (1-516): yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him. (516): Do you have to put it that way? http://tfl.nu/hbgy
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.

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  (812): A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time. http://tfl.nu/hpfk
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Sacagawea was the original milf.

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  (952): Sacagawea was the original milf. http://tfl.nu/8vpz
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.

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  (843): lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff. (404): Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks. http://tfl.nu/3kb3
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  (518): View more from New York

  She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

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  (518): She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her http://tfl.nu/ofex
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  (325): View more from Texas

  Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.

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  (325): Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood. http://tfl.nu/hew5
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

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  (802): I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job. http://tfl.nu/xzx3
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.

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  (405): Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them. http://tfl.nu/lm0t
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy

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  (419): your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy http://tfl.nu/gzdd
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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  (319): Heyyyy darlin are you busy? (1-319): Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night. http://tfl.nu/pwb0
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.

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  (781): I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore. http://tfl.nu/ktqn
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  (510): View more from California

  Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

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  (510): Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward. http://tfl.nu/2xfe
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  (512): View more from Texas

  She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

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  (512): She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not." http://tfl.nu/pkrm
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  (315): View more from New York

  Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.

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  (315): Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet. http://tfl.nu/7a74
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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  (305): I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang". http://tfl.nu/9dw0
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!

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  (313): marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte! http://tfl.nu/25lr
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Was it cool?

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.

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  (904): Was it cool? (1-904): About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon. http://tfl.nu/28fv
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.

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  (312): I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night. http://tfl.nu/6of9
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.

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  (330): I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry. (1-330): Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now. http://tfl.nu/tk0f
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.

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  (317): its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated. http://tfl.nu/cjuf
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing

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  (563): I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing http://tfl.nu/bqtp
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  (631): View more from New York

  beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.

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  (631): beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner. http://tfl.nu/w2xi
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years

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  (303): Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years http://tfl.nu/kvc8
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.

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  (847): Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed. http://tfl.nu/5sxg
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence

  (415): View more from California

  shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.

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  (231): I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence (415): shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy. http://tfl.nu/3ya6
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  (253): View more from Washington

  i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"

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  (253): i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis" http://tfl.nu/kjwy
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...

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  (814): You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum... http://tfl.nu/p3s1
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  (818): View more from California

  This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.

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  (818): This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate. http://tfl.nu/k2b3
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.

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  (201): Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable. http://tfl.nu/oy8s
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Then she called me a home wrecking whore.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.

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  (702): Then she called me a home wrecking whore. (1-702): dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count. http://tfl.nu/bp07
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!

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  (913): I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?! http://tfl.nu/fugu
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"

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  (859): i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me" http://tfl.nu/l7cf
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  (210): View more from Texas

  drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend

  (1-210): View more from Texas

  I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.

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  (210): drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend (1-210): I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning. http://tfl.nu/558s
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.

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  (773): Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary. http://tfl.nu/s27x
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  (716): View more from New York

  I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

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  (716): I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together. http://tfl.nu/l7kg
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.

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  (928): She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry. http://tfl.nu/gi6e
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.

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  (704): He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him. http://tfl.nu/wgyi
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?

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  (301): Is it necrophilia if we're both dead? http://tfl.nu/6pje
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job

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  (904): Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job http://tfl.nu/2lgs
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  (516): View more from New York

  Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.

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  (516): Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style. http://tfl.nu/uxcc
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .

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  (203): he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on . http://tfl.nu/rwb5
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  (805): View more from California

  He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.

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  (805): He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out. http://tfl.nu/7h8c
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends

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  (847): u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends http://tfl.nu/ywa9
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already

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  (508): I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already http://tfl.nu/v6oe
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.

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  (443): There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic. http://tfl.nu/18x8
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes

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  (541): He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes http://tfl.nu/g6v6
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  (972): View more from Texas

  Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.

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  (972): Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition. http://tfl.nu/d2b2
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.

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  (423): it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise. http://tfl.nu/943e
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.

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  (630): I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible. http://tfl.nu/8o92
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?

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  (575): So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation? http://tfl.nu/oofw
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.

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  (860): She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it. http://tfl.nu/dkuo
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.

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  (201): It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb. http://tfl.nu/thcm
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.

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  (610): I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral. http://tfl.nu/xbiu
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  two words: eviction party

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  (503): two words: eviction party http://tfl.nu/l75h
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.

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  (630): she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers. http://tfl.nu/u7sr
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"

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  (513): god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is" http://tfl.nu/c0jq
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  addddeeerrraaaallll.

  (641): View more from Iowa

  ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.

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  (319): addddeeerrraaaallll. (641): ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help. http://tfl.nu/xlcd
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Your mouth is God's brothel.

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  (609): Your mouth is God's brothel. http://tfl.nu/epk5
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday

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  (706): My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday http://tfl.nu/gbim
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you

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  (203): my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it (973): just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you http://tfl.nu/4uwz
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  (904): View more from Florida

  So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

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  (904): So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius! http://tfl.nu/2kph
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell

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  (615): jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell http://tfl.nu/zqhf
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.

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  (262): Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other. http://tfl.nu/ky9n
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod

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  (859): i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod http://tfl.nu/ur38
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  (786): View more from Florida

  If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up

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  (786): If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up http://tfl.nu/h8cl
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  That was long passed due.

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  (414): I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol" (262): That was long passed due. http://tfl.nu/6bqu
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay

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  (937): I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay http://tfl.nu/llvu
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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  (817): Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him. http://tfl.nu/25q8
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Can i come over

  (240): View more from Maryland

  After you called me a desperate slut? No

  (240): View more from Maryland

  Come over

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  (703): Can i come over (240): After you called me a desperate slut? No (240): Come over http://tfl.nu/g0q3
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.

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  (613): If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough. http://tfl.nu/noke
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.

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  (708): We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something. http://tfl.nu/qsay
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"

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  (704): Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?" http://tfl.nu/740o
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.

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  (609): i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/thtn
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.

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  (732): he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant. http://tfl.nu/xvk7
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  (716): View more from New York

  I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount

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  (716): I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount http://tfl.nu/p3jz
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  (425): View more from Washington

  So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.

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  (425): So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way. http://tfl.nu/01f8
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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  (701): She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex. http://tfl.nu/crgk
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed

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  (336): i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed http://tfl.nu/dxga
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.

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  (802): clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven. http://tfl.nu/4bru
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...

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  (843): ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now... http://tfl.nu/ndt5
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  (409): View more from Texas

  We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

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  (409): We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield. http://tfl.nu/bpsu
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  (858): View more from California

  I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.

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  (858): I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win. http://tfl.nu/f8rt
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?

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  (709): so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much? http://tfl.nu/jwju
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?

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  (513): Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school? http://tfl.nu/0udh
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.

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  (614): Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by. http://tfl.nu/jzor
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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  (218): Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it. http://tfl.nu/dm7u
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.

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  (850): Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please. http://tfl.nu/1q4n
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  ill be there in 5.

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  (812): through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife. (847): ill be there in 5. http://tfl.nu/y9p2
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Fuck 8am classes

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes

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  (330): Fuck 8am classes (330): Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes http://tfl.nu/x2hf
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.

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  (908): Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event. http://tfl.nu/eg4k
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  (347): View more from New York

  We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job

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  (347): We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job http://tfl.nu/wtkj
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

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  (515): in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch. http://tfl.nu/88o7
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.

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  (713): Hope the move went well! I'll miss you! (832): you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there. http://tfl.nu/n7dn
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  yo i have your phone

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  ... oh so you probably won't get this message

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  (202): yo i have your phone (202):... oh so you probably won't get this message http://tfl.nu/0ifv
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?

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  (937): Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes? http://tfl.nu/r1tf
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.

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  (617): My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning. http://tfl.nu/kt95
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  (310): View more from California

  if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz

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  (310): if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz http://tfl.nu/fhxu
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.

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  (814): No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock. http://tfl.nu/ts69
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.

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  (971): I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer. http://tfl.nu/l4im
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  (+86): View more from China

  Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.

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  (+86): Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported. http://tfl.nu/uoj6
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  (518): View more from New York

  I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

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  (518): I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you http://tfl.nu/jrvn
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.

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  (207): Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me. http://tfl.nu/7so1
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  (941): View more from Florida

  i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.

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  (941): i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone. http://tfl.nu/fsw6
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  (585): View more from New York

  i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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  (585): i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair? http://tfl.nu/daid
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

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  (720): Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids http://tfl.nu/b5v5
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.

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  (226): forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions. http://tfl.nu/kw3s
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.

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  (262): I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day. http://tfl.nu/uzwr
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  (650): View more from California

  I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.

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  (650): I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one. http://tfl.nu/s8l0
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ..So we should take it off Youtube?

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  (660): THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you. (816): ..So we should take it off Youtube? http://tfl.nu/93os
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  (510): View more from California

  You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying

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  (510): You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying http://tfl.nu/xlhu
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now

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  (715): You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now http://tfl.nu/q56d
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  thats actually pretty good logic

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  (724): I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars" (412): thats actually pretty good logic http://tfl.nu/znkn
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

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  (630): I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building. http://tfl.nu/xm6j
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  You're a womanizer and a bitch.

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  (248): You're a womanizer and a bitch. http://tfl.nu/wf0c
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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  (201): My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them http://tfl.nu/2uni
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  (718): View more from New York

  Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.

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  (718): Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex. http://tfl.nu/mdk4
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  (817): View more from Texas

  he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur

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  (817): he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur http://tfl.nu/33k4
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.

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  (502): i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'. http://tfl.nu/b21s
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.

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  (512): Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes. http://tfl.nu/c6y2
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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  (240): We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course. http://tfl.nu/y9iu
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.

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  (903): Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/yv47
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  (415): View more from California

  Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up

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  (415): Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up http://tfl.nu/w3uw
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The Swedes wanted a tensome.

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  (832): The Swedes wanted a tensome. http://tfl.nu/8c8i
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine

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  (214): I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine http://tfl.nu/t8mm
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.

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  (954): I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother. http://tfl.nu/rbuh
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore

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  (804): i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore http://tfl.nu/d307
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  (830): View more from Texas

  If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice

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  (830): If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice http://tfl.nu/5b32
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.

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  (903): Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything. http://tfl.nu/euxa
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

  (1-662): View more from Mississippi

  I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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  (662): Stop introducing me to people as your little sister. (1-662): I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother. http://tfl.nu/5xkr
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.

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  (321): I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along. http://tfl.nu/x1z0
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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  (303): She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan. http://tfl.nu/jf6q
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  (716): View more from New York

  I'm eating all of the evidence.

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  (716): I'm eating all of the evidence. http://tfl.nu/m4yn
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  why is allison so mad at me??

  (469): View more from Texas

  me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  crap..

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  (318): why is allison so mad at me?? (469): me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!". (318): crap.. http://tfl.nu/7nes
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...

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  (303): theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner... http://tfl.nu/glgi
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.

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  (403): Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius. http://tfl.nu/w17t
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  (858): View more from California

  batman tramp stamp. Dibs.

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  (858): batman tramp stamp. Dibs. http://tfl.nu/38kl
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...

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  (412): You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this... http://tfl.nu/lqse
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  (310): View more from California

  so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.

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  (310): so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking. http://tfl.nu/vds8
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  (631): View more from New York

  Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk

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  (631): Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk http://tfl.nu/bu5o
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.

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  (847): woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score. http://tfl.nu/p406
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...

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  (317): You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang... http://tfl.nu/ct1j
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!

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  (615): Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY! http://tfl.nu/jz8m
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.

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  (724): About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore. http://tfl.nu/twc0
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Operation Purity has been aborted

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  (306): Operation Purity has been aborted http://tfl.nu/jf4h
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.

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  (602): Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote. http://tfl.nu/5km0
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.

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  (763): It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo. http://tfl.nu/heh2
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure

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  (814): Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure http://tfl.nu/wzgm
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.

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  (203): It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag. http://tfl.nu/0795
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  (214): View more from Texas

  we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.

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  (214): we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER. http://tfl.nu/9rv5
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  (516): View more from New York

  He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.

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  (516): He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes. http://tfl.nu/agxg
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  (650): View more from California

  i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.

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  (650): i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry. http://tfl.nu/ss3s
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...

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  (734): im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend... http://tfl.nu/gkjq
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  (925): View more from California

  we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself

  (707): View more from California

  dude you teach first grade wtf

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  (925): we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself (707): dude you teach first grade wtf http://tfl.nu/gqyp
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  (845): View more from New York

  I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.

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  (845): I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick. http://tfl.nu/cye7
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.

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  (610): Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore. http://tfl.nu/f91d
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  i would one night stand the shit outta him

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  (443): i would one night stand the shit outta him http://tfl.nu/aljg
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.

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  (320): Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year. http://tfl.nu/8zt2
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  (707): View more from California

  She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.

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  (707): She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her. http://tfl.nu/yn7x
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.

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  (708): He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed. http://tfl.nu/ytov
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?

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  (603): Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now? http://tfl.nu/rq4w
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.

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  (256): There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it. http://tfl.nu/68k2
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  in pain and im wearing pink underwear

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  so?

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i dont own pink underwear

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  (609): in pain and im wearing pink underwear (908): so? (609): i dont own pink underwear http://tfl.nu/78xa
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  (415): View more from California

  There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.

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  (415): There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms. http://tfl.nu/bpq6
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.

  (240): View more from Maryland

  Why does tequilla always make you text me?

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  (301): You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate. (240): Why does tequilla always make you text me? http://tfl.nu/qeax
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Houston.. we have a drinking problem..

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  (402): Houston.. we have a drinking problem.. http://tfl.nu/fbwf
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  (661): View more from California

  the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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  (661): the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep. http://tfl.nu/zfm0
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.

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  (336): Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh. http://tfl.nu/7dtp
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?

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  (905): Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it? http://tfl.nu/ugmv
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  (718): View more from New York

  If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.

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  (718): If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs. http://tfl.nu/jfp1
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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  (704): One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+ http://tfl.nu/62eq
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Wish you were here....

  (734): View more from Michigan

  And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?

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  (734): Wish you were here.... (734): And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it? http://tfl.nu/j5nc
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'

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  (334): i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified' http://tfl.nu/dnlw
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.

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  (701): I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships. http://tfl.nu/filq
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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  (919): I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before. http://tfl.nu/gqc0
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  (516): View more from New York

  whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?

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  (516): whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"? http://tfl.nu/wiv5
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"

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  (201): I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad" http://tfl.nu/8w1c
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  (727): View more from Florida

  It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.

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  (727): It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics. http://tfl.nu/z8vb
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  He played with my vagina like it was a turntable

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  (423): He played with my vagina like it was a turntable http://tfl.nu/xc9s
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation

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  (817): Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation http://tfl.nu/c4tn
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.

  (1-503): View more from Oregon

  That's not a bad idea, actually...

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  (503): 24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online. (1-503): That's not a bad idea, actually... http://tfl.nu/oxdt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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  (978): i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running. http://tfl.nu/jcc8
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.

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  (612): I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills. http://tfl.nu/7aj5
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.

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  (541): i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar. http://tfl.nu/crfd
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  (607): View more from New York

  My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.

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  (607): My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good. http://tfl.nu/t7su
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.

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  (206): Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking. http://tfl.nu/kuj0
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

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  (815): New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink. http://tfl.nu/5ry5
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.

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  (256): I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed. http://tfl.nu/zn1y
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery

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  (603): its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery http://tfl.nu/k62j
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  (949): View more from California

  is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??

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  (949): is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute?? http://tfl.nu/snv5
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

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  (574): no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house" http://tfl.nu/wkle
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  (585): View more from New York

  He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.

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  (585): He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials. http://tfl.nu/lmhg
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  (474): View more from

  Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.

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  (474): Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now. http://tfl.nu/0awf
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.

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  (804): girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe. http://tfl.nu/ztj4
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  "tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?

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  (404): "tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went? http://tfl.nu/cthr
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  children are so perceptive these days... and horny

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  (862): 5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF (973): children are so perceptive these days... and horny http://tfl.nu/81nd
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.

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  (407): Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama. http://tfl.nu/o21n
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality

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  (336): I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality http://tfl.nu/g1bs
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...

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  (701): My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this... http://tfl.nu/7jfd
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  (310): View more from California

  I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you

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  (310): I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you http://tfl.nu/5bao
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  (510): View more from California

  And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"

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  (510): And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work" http://tfl.nu/x4nq
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  (530): View more from California

  When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.

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  (530): When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children. http://tfl.nu/7iz1
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  (786): View more from Florida

  Thats something to write home to mom about

  (305): View more from Florida

  Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her

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  (786): Thats something to write home to mom about (305): Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her http://tfl.nu/y6ih
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo

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  (704): Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo http://tfl.nu/ot2w
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.

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  (732): I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT. http://tfl.nu/aknw
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  (512): View more from Texas

  So....maintenance found the bullethole.....

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  (512): So....maintenance found the bullethole..... http://tfl.nu/54el
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?

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  (804): Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days? http://tfl.nu/vlwi
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  (510): View more from California

  I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.

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  (510): I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend. http://tfl.nu/lprg
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?

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  (508): There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun? http://tfl.nu/av48
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.

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  (580): He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics. http://tfl.nu/564h
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"

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  (814): I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?" http://tfl.nu/d4r4
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters

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  (765): just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters http://tfl.nu/51nh
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.

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  (314): It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes. http://tfl.nu/zfb4
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  (415): View more from California

  It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.

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  (415): It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner. http://tfl.nu/rtus
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.

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  (810): I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago. http://tfl.nu/b9vc
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked

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  (812): I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked http://tfl.nu/576t
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  stop calling my apartment porn island.

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  (678): stop calling my apartment porn island. http://tfl.nu/7ji0
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?

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  (812): The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean? http://tfl.nu/84o9
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  (817): View more from Texas

  They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

  (214): View more from Texas

  Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

  (817): View more from Texas

  You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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  (817): They asked me to help them shop for lingerie. (214): Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better. (817): You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for. http://tfl.nu/hqk4
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"

  (205): View more from Alabama

  pick me up NOW

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  (205): they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve" (205): pick me up NOW http://tfl.nu/weqr
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  His pubic hair was longer than his dick

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  (636): His pubic hair was longer than his dick http://tfl.nu/f6nh
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

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  (704): this is really not the time to pretend we have morals http://tfl.nu/j8ot
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?

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  (847): is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder? http://tfl.nu/zxu8
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...

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  (803): Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together... http://tfl.nu/duna
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

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  (810): I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future. http://tfl.nu/04uk
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.

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  (706): That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night. http://tfl.nu/8vqf
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  nevermind....I'm on the way

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  (814): dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high (808): worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave (814): nevermind....I'm on the way http://tfl.nu/dzeu
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table

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  (208): I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table http://tfl.nu/g7sx
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...

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  (773): omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this... http://tfl.nu/ilg0
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today

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  (404): I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today http://tfl.nu/iz45
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  How was last night?

  (334): View more from Alabama

  She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.

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  (251): How was last night? (334): She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast. http://tfl.nu/qxti
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...

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  (763): lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab... http://tfl.nu/1m3b
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.

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  (620): We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example. http://tfl.nu/aei8
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  (650): View more from California

  Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss

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  (650): Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss http://tfl.nu/9lml
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

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  (404): I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life. http://tfl.nu/huxl
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  And you didn't burst into flames?

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  (339): He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church. (1-203): And you didn't burst into flames? http://tfl.nu/aa0l
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.

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  (514): His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn. http://tfl.nu/voym
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy

  (734): View more from Michigan

  what about the blowjobs for adderall?

  (810): View more from Michigan

  no those are still okay

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  (810): so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy (734): what about the blowjobs for adderall? (810): no those are still okay http://tfl.nu/913b
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.

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  (678): I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour. http://tfl.nu/s8k7
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.

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  (215): Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing. http://tfl.nu/grk7
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them

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  (336): you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them http://tfl.nu/fxdr
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."

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  (301): let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child." http://tfl.nu/sqg2
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.

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  (207): I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots. http://tfl.nu/eygf
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon

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  (443): Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon http://tfl.nu/pfsh
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.

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  (860): he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot. http://tfl.nu/hpow
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!

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  (303): The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks! http://tfl.nu/bdkz
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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  (917): He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now http://tfl.nu/4db9
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  (972): View more from Texas

  the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool

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  (972): the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool http://tfl.nu/pe2b
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.

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  (206): I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log. http://tfl.nu/ft0h
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.

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  (973): she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery. http://tfl.nu/316x
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.

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  (971): He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex. http://tfl.nu/3zjj
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"

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  (404): its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock" http://tfl.nu/i9yu
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.

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  (504): She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet. http://tfl.nu/znp0
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?

  (706): View more from Georgia

  Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.

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  (706): So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator. (404): I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer? (706): Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out. http://tfl.nu/p10m
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.

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  (248): ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores. http://tfl.nu/e4hq
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You look like a girl that would like strip clubs

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  (732): You look like a girl that would like strip clubs http://tfl.nu/jf13
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree

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  (617): I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree http://tfl.nu/6ra8
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  (925): View more from California

  I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.

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  (925): I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point. http://tfl.nu/b8y5
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.

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  (202): I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas. http://tfl.nu/grxp
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra

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  (240): Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra http://tfl.nu/fzzx
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...

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  (313): Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends... http://tfl.nu/38n2
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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  (281): Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's. http://tfl.nu/ot6m
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.

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  (414): and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you. http://tfl.nu/lmfo
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.

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  (517): Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever. http://tfl.nu/y7ox
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  (628): View more from California

  i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me

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  (628): i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me http://tfl.nu/vt02
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.

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  (740): The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story. http://tfl.nu/x6qv
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.

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  (303): It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic. http://tfl.nu/yvsq
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

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  (832): So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party. http://tfl.nu/a5ld
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.

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  (856): I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch. http://tfl.nu/64iu
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"

  (646): View more from New York

  how do you like your eggs?

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  over tits

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  (865): I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast" (646): how do you like your eggs? (865): over tits http://tfl.nu/9kyc
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  (779): View more from Illinois

  Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.

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  (779): Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me. http://tfl.nu/6ngm
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.

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  (513): I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear. http://tfl.nu/d8gq
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick

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  (501): Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick http://tfl.nu/wixt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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  (614): My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry. http://tfl.nu/lss6
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty

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  (918): When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty http://tfl.nu/ybq4
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline

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  (303): That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline http://tfl.nu/qmbu
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.

  (443): View more from Maryland

  im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile

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  (410): As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie. (443): im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile http://tfl.nu/7kar
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  (850): View more from Florida

  She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.

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  (850): She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out. http://tfl.nu/i2ji
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women

  (319): View more from Iowa

  I wish I had your problem

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  (319): I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women (319): I wish I had your problem http://tfl.nu/60uu
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.

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  (702): So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college. http://tfl.nu/456d
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.

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  (440): Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade. http://tfl.nu/kiie
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??

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  (520): just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon?? http://tfl.nu/c1fp
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  (310): View more from California

  hey what are you doing

  (310): View more from California

  hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!

  (310): View more from California

  i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic

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  (310): hey what are you doing (310): hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous! (310): i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic http://tfl.nu/eapf
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over

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  (608): I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over http://tfl.nu/rs0c
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  (209): View more from California

  this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.

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  (209): this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not. http://tfl.nu/74g7
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.

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  (708): Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me. http://tfl.nu/gxz0
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.

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  (902): Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands. http://tfl.nu/svno
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?

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  (405): She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip? http://tfl.nu/6lx8
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  sounds like you fell off the wagon.

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.

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  (617): sounds like you fell off the wagon. (1-617): fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon. http://tfl.nu/7sjj
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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  (843): Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place http://tfl.nu/sgjx
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick

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  (508): I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick http://tfl.nu/wbrv
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...

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  (757): she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them... http://tfl.nu/ior4
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.

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  (+44): I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk. http://tfl.nu/9idz
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.

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  (413): I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date. (215): You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds. http://tfl.nu/2p7v
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night

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  (508): I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night http://tfl.nu/lkz0
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.

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  (214): Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me. http://tfl.nu/otui
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  (631): View more from New York

  we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.

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  (631): we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die. http://tfl.nu/91t8
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich

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  (905): Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich http://tfl.nu/gjvv
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.

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  (406): I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea. http://tfl.nu/bq8d
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.

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  (647): Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada. http://tfl.nu/nu9s
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  (626): View more from California

  Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.

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  (626): Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her. http://tfl.nu/fyts
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  (661): View more from California

  Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

  (1-661): View more from California

  What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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  (661): Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up. (1-661): What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how" http://tfl.nu/sghh
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.

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  (630): He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house. http://tfl.nu/pura
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.

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  (678): I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI. http://tfl.nu/868g
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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  (864): you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night http://tfl.nu/m2bf
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

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  (803): just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car http://tfl.nu/l192
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  (817): View more from Texas

  You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant

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  (817): You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant http://tfl.nu/26do
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

  (1-423): View more from Tennessee

  I honestly don't know what to make of that.

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  A ham sandwich would be nice.

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  (423): I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich. (1-423): I honestly don't know what to make of that. (423): A ham sandwich would be nice. http://tfl.nu/fg3s
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  (518): View more from New York

  Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.

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  (518): Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed. http://tfl.nu/gt11
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.

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  (985): I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies. http://tfl.nu/mtcu
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  (707): View more from California

  I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.

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  (707): I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/x6ut
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.

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  (832): Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse. http://tfl.nu/qyce
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"

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  (612): He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?" http://tfl.nu/lotk
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.

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  (724): An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god. http://tfl.nu/gzqy
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine

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  (412): Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine http://tfl.nu/x929
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.

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  (215): At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware. http://tfl.nu/07cm
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.

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  (727): I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut. http://tfl.nu/wfck
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life

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  (480): p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life http://tfl.nu/eu21
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?

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  (989): is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off? http://tfl.nu/j7cy
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.

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  (610): I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again. http://tfl.nu/bt9u
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?

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  (407): i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub? http://tfl.nu/tcak
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.

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  (765): I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings. http://tfl.nu/mgul
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Your an asshole

  (1-954): View more from Florida

  Actually, it's "you're an asshole"

  (954): View more from Florida

  My point exactly

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  (954): Your an asshole (1-954): Actually, it's "you're an asshole" (954): My point exactly http://tfl.nu/txzi
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest

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  (732): just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest http://tfl.nu/tjgh
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"

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  (610): my new favorite insult= "thundercunt" http://tfl.nu/7c82
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  (925): View more from California

  After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.

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  (925): After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup. http://tfl.nu/n6kw
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won

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  (252): Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won http://tfl.nu/atk6
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  (917): View more from New York City

  giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?

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  (917): giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong? http://tfl.nu/9q3v
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra

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  (717): im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra http://tfl.nu/5ubo
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.

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  (480): oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper. http://tfl.nu/sodt
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience

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  (905): In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience http://tfl.nu/48b7
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.

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  (515): mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money. http://tfl.nu/cehx
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.

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  (304): I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn. http://tfl.nu/xmj5
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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  (320): I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on. http://tfl.nu/x1xg
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?

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  (937): What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out? http://tfl.nu/ji4n
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me

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  (908): This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me http://tfl.nu/8neg
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.

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  (763): I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year. http://tfl.nu/q074
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)

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  (262): Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :) http://tfl.nu/dwum
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.

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  (425): Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually. http://tfl.nu/jboq
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  (858): View more from California

  Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.

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  (858): Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star. http://tfl.nu/4wpn
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.

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  (770): FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot (770): Your boyfriend has good rhythm though. http://tfl.nu/p3nu
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  (516): View more from New York

  They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.

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  (516): They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were. http://tfl.nu/skxs
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...

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  (812): Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this... http://tfl.nu/q2aq
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.

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  (505): She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night. http://tfl.nu/d1vk
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  (917): View more from New York City

  She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.

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  (917): She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun. http://tfl.nu/sejn
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.

  (989): View more from Michigan

  you're going for the gold here.

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  (906): i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage. (989): you're going for the gold here. http://tfl.nu/773u
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  hello competition

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  (973): so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator (908): hello competition http://tfl.nu/cped
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.

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  (651): she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks. http://tfl.nu/ad27
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  (407): View more from Florida

  The bars here don't close until 4!

  (703): View more from Virginia

  my legs don't close until 4

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  (407): The bars here don't close until 4! (703): my legs don't close until 4 http://tfl.nu/ja9y
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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  (857): I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars? http://tfl.nu/0mdx
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.

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  (608): Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows. http://tfl.nu/05tf
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well

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  (812): Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well http://tfl.nu/2njp
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.

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  (214): Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me. http://tfl.nu/heot
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob

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  (705): it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob http://tfl.nu/qlwy
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"

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  (303): The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick" http://tfl.nu/klf2
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.

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  (912): I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days. http://tfl.nu/3yem
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.

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  (702): sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick. http://tfl.nu/022f
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.

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  (207): I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something. http://tfl.nu/x6k7
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat

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  (803): If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat http://tfl.nu/80p4
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.

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  (908): Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder. http://tfl.nu/vsy5
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...

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  (313): mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up! (1-313): it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me... http://tfl.nu/s17x
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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  (704): she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out" http://tfl.nu/fktd
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  (352): View more from Florida

  You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.

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  (352): You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem. http://tfl.nu/rwe9
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.

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  (231): I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic. http://tfl.nu/t71g
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.

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  (215): we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle. http://tfl.nu/zo0y
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.

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  (203): Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states. http://tfl.nu/jgy9
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.

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  (304): He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated. http://tfl.nu/okg6
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.

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  (339): I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion. http://tfl.nu/m237
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

  (1-815): View more from Illinois

  you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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  (815): i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since. (1-815): you need to get laid.. and an oil change. http://tfl.nu/z8d3
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks

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  (901): I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks http://tfl.nu/9z2d
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  (021): View more from

  Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.

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  (021): Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant. http://tfl.nu/uluq
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral

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  (506): so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral http://tfl.nu/0vqu
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  (845): View more from New York

  weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize

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  (845): weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize http://tfl.nu/jvbl
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  (917): View more from New York City

  was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?

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  (917): was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him? http://tfl.nu/um4o
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.

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  (360): I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true. http://tfl.nu/2syb
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  (360): View more from Washington

  She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.

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  (360): She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real. http://tfl.nu/qt2q
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.

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  (978): I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver. http://tfl.nu/zig6
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  (310): View more from California

  So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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  (310): So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he. http://tfl.nu/52vb
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  (845): View more from New York

  tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.

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  (845): tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious. http://tfl.nu/7ow8
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent

  (613): View more from Ontario

  I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM

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  (613): she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent (613): I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM http://tfl.nu/2tls
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?

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  (864): I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me? http://tfl.nu/6foj
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.

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  (289): It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack. http://tfl.nu/6xg5
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.

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  (563): I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers. http://tfl.nu/uen6
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?

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  (812): can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex? http://tfl.nu/5ngg
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head

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  (630): Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head http://tfl.nu/4494
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  (509): View more from Washington

  She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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  (509): She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after http://tfl.nu/tns7
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter

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  (215): i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter http://tfl.nu/d1e8
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife

  (404): View more from Georgia

  i mean you met him at the daytona 500

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  (678): found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife (404): i mean you met him at the daytona 500 http://tfl.nu/ydp4
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.

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  (609): One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em. http://tfl.nu/70jy
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?

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  (215): I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese. (717): Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days? http://tfl.nu/n2pa
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  (818): View more from California

  you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me

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  (818): you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me http://tfl.nu/nn6b
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  (207): View more from Maine

  you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment

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  (207): you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment http://tfl.nu/wssq
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.

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  (780): he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem. http://tfl.nu/ak11
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  bring money and cleavage

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  (978): bring money and cleavage http://tfl.nu/w9ou
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.

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  (503): if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up. http://tfl.nu/w9vg
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face

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  (617): yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face http://tfl.nu/3atc
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

  (1-859): View more from Kentucky

  please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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  (859): I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes! (1-859): please elaborate on, "atleast one ear" http://tfl.nu/8j2w
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"

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  (720): haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya" http://tfl.nu/5qox
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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  (603): I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter. http://tfl.nu/ujkx
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  (310): View more from California

  The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.

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  (310): The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit. http://tfl.nu/agun
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money

  (813): View more from Florida

  sounds like you understand them just fine

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  (901): I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money (813): sounds like you understand them just fine http://tfl.nu/0zfp
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  tequila makes her clothes fall off

  (512): View more from Texas

  wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time

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  (636): tequila makes her clothes fall off (512): wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time http://tfl.nu/mbhl
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  (850): View more from Florida

  You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.

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  (850): You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist. http://tfl.nu/9a73
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend

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  (267): Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend http://tfl.nu/as99
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn

  (706): View more from Georgia

  And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her

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  (706): Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn (706): And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her http://tfl.nu/b039
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.

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  (412): Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country. http://tfl.nu/04vq
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"

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  (469): I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?" http://tfl.nu/ut0z
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.

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  (480): this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking. http://tfl.nu/0htm
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.

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  (913): When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking. http://tfl.nu/uh2g
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  (210): View more from Texas

  this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!

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  (210): this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings! http://tfl.nu/x9r9
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  life is too short to starve

  (678): View more from Georgia

  life is also too short to be fat

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  (336): life is too short to starve (678): life is also too short to be fat http://tfl.nu/v94u
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone

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  (574): i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone http://tfl.nu/gkfm
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.

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  (708): Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected. http://tfl.nu/ilck
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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  (603): Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk. http://tfl.nu/ivw8
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.

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  (715): You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison. http://tfl.nu/kcq5
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  (714): View more from California

  Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.

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  (714): Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are. http://tfl.nu/u4g1
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

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  (720): My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this? http://tfl.nu/za6z
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..

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  (913): Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one.. http://tfl.nu/0qqy
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?

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  (321): Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting? http://tfl.nu/dyqe
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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  (816): He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork. http://tfl.nu/6zkt
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  (909): View more from California

  Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?

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  (909): Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person? http://tfl.nu/yet0
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.

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  (910): I just made Jack Daniels snow cones. http://tfl.nu/ca8x
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.

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  (208): I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe. http://tfl.nu/02tv
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  he fucked my hip out of place.

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  (615): he fucked my hip out of place. http://tfl.nu/0lgh
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

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  (203): I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour. http://tfl.nu/xoad
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand

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  (913): omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand http://tfl.nu/y2lh
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.

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  (443): Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry. http://tfl.nu/7406
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling

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  (774): What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling http://tfl.nu/ijkr
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  (650): View more from California

  my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp

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  (650): my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp http://tfl.nu/twts
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"

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  (734): you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover" http://tfl.nu/l7y3
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  how does Santa get into Hogwarts?

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  (574): how does Santa get into Hogwarts? http://tfl.nu/z515
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight

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  (612): Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight http://tfl.nu/a290
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?

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  (732): I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!? http://tfl.nu/ocr3
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  it's not cheating when I paid for it

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  (678): it's not cheating when I paid for it http://tfl.nu/o8mk
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?

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  (503): Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem? http://tfl.nu/dk03
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.

  (1-405): View more from Oklahoma

  which gay bar do you need a ride home from?

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  (405): Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you. (1-405): which gay bar do you need a ride home from? http://tfl.nu/2t13
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.

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  (918): I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed. http://tfl.nu/bpmv
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  (716): View more from New York

  The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast

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  (716): The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast http://tfl.nu/b4kl
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  (917): View more from New York City

  half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

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  (917): half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country. http://tfl.nu/tafy
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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  (859): I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you. http://tfl.nu/a48g
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?

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  (610): So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her? http://tfl.nu/wt2f
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.

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  (303): God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with. (720): And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids. http://tfl.nu/a779
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  (408): View more from California

  Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions

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  (408): Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions http://tfl.nu/cic0
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Umm you met him three days ago....

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I said what I said

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  (267): We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for (215): Umm you met him three days ago.... (267): I said what I said http://tfl.nu/18h0
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.

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  (248): The first sip always goes straight to my vagina. http://tfl.nu/w086
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  (214): View more from Texas

  your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  we're not divorced.

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  (214): your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything. (1-214): we're not divorced. http://tfl.nu/1yaa
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class

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  (717): I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class http://tfl.nu/9lx5
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  She was lying the whole time!

  (310): View more from California

  She was a great actress

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I was a great dumbass

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  (248): She was lying the whole time! (310): She was a great actress (248): I was a great dumbass http://tfl.nu/8lxg
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  (305): View more from Florida

  If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?

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  (305): If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me? http://tfl.nu/0xff
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed

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  (540): Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed http://tfl.nu/7wu4
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand

  (1-856): View more from New Jersey

  We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?

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  (856): The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand (1-856): We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh? http://tfl.nu/4r62
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  (904): View more from Florida

  masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap

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  (904): masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap http://tfl.nu/sdgt
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  (310): View more from California

  so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?

  (818): View more from California

  by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ

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  (310): so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA? (818): by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ http://tfl.nu/5i2r
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.

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  (540): she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated. http://tfl.nu/qt45
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.

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  (913): My favorite part of our friendship is your tits. http://tfl.nu/3eyr
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  (530): View more from California

  Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.

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  (530): Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls. http://tfl.nu/qy86
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.

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  (636): It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy. http://tfl.nu/okgv
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.

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  (301): they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with. http://tfl.nu/84m6
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  (845): View more from New York

  I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.

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  (845): I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred. http://tfl.nu/ocgs
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  Shut up. I did not.

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I really wish I was making that up.

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  (918): You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras. (1-918): Shut up. I did not. (918): I really wish I was making that up. http://tfl.nu/wbcz
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.

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  (734): You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom. http://tfl.nu/aenv
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  ok i said sorry. what else do you want?

  (740): View more from Ohio

  100 blowjobs

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  (216): ok i said sorry. what else do you want? (740): 100 blowjobs http://tfl.nu/an0u
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  (914): View more from New York

  i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school

  (1-914): View more from New York

  oh right the one that ends on your bed

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  (914): i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school (1-914): oh right the one that ends on your bed http://tfl.nu/wrnw
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  (315): View more from New York

  he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...

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  (315): he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear... http://tfl.nu/9by5
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.

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  (832): I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up. http://tfl.nu/vunl
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.

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  (303): I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight. http://tfl.nu/0aby
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.

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  (513): You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs. http://tfl.nu/utqj
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.

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  (614): Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls. (1-614): Which beats the fuck out of good intentions. http://tfl.nu/vjhv
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

  (1-905): View more from Toronto

  With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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  (905): Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina.. (1-905): With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there. http://tfl.nu/fkqx
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  (914): View more from New York

  She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.

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  (914): She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet. http://tfl.nu/d6lo
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  what was she crying about?

  (734): View more from Michigan

  i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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  (734): i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle. (1-734): what was she crying about? (734): i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job. http://tfl.nu/fomm
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me

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  (203): dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me http://tfl.nu/k760
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.

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  (832): I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes. http://tfl.nu/wfe6
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  (850): View more from Florida

  JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.

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  (850): JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk. http://tfl.nu/brrf
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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  (513): i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure. http://tfl.nu/ruyi
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  (561): View more from Florida

  This dress was meant to end up on your floor

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  (561): This dress was meant to end up on your floor http://tfl.nu/t8yv
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  (714): View more from California

  they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.

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  (714): they just dont make restraining orders like they used to. http://tfl.nu/scp3
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".

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  (617): I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues". http://tfl.nu/ykd9
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  u sound so gay right now

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  (617): I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me. (978): u sound so gay right now http://tfl.nu/zm49
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Non-Jews are for practice

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  (617): Non-Jews are for practice http://tfl.nu/ikoa
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  (518): View more from New York

  i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  did it start talking like on Land before time?

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  (518): i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur (413): did it start talking like on Land before time? http://tfl.nu/4v1u
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.

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  (218): Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job. http://tfl.nu/z804
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  (845): View more from New York

  She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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  (845): She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex". http://tfl.nu/cd1v
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.

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  (970): you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake. http://tfl.nu/y1g9
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  (858): View more from California

  threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter

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  (858): threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter http://tfl.nu/n5bo
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  (949): View more from California

  Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.

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  (949): Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever. http://tfl.nu/rea8
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them

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  (469): Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them http://tfl.nu/zk8b
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  it was like getting a handjob from robocop

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  (412): it was like getting a handjob from robocop http://tfl.nu/4yuu
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed

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  (336): If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed http://tfl.nu/a070
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  (845): View more from New York

  its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth

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  (845): its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth http://tfl.nu/7jau
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me

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  (952): Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me http://tfl.nu/evhv
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman

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  (917): Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman http://tfl.nu/t3mw
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'

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  (778): No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain' http://tfl.nu/2rma
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.

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  (610): NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS. http://tfl.nu/4d7u
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  (408): View more from California

  Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people

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  (408): Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people http://tfl.nu/thju
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  (512): View more from Texas

  If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.

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  (512): If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department. http://tfl.nu/ppwl
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.

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  (709): It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me. http://tfl.nu/jsip
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I drank myself into bisexuality again.

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  (314): I drank myself into bisexuality again. http://tfl.nu/eg45
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd

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  (905): I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd http://tfl.nu/je1e
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.

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  (520): I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training. http://tfl.nu/cz3b
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.

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  (570): I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up. http://tfl.nu/kls9
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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  (330): She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay. http://tfl.nu/hfdj
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.

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  (512): Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had. http://tfl.nu/4hqu
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  (406): View more from Montana

  someone owes me an orgasm

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  (406): someone owes me an orgasm http://tfl.nu/u7wj
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.

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  (734): I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire. http://tfl.nu/kkrz
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill

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  (913): Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill http://tfl.nu/swr0
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
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  (585): View more from New York

  im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed

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  (585): im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed http://tfl.nu/eq1c
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

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  (919): Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride. http://tfl.nu/6akp
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..

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  (405): I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth.. http://tfl.nu/0ol0
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  (518): View more from New York

  Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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  (518): Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant http://tfl.nu/517l
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.

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  (203): Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned. http://tfl.nu/94k0
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  "I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."

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  (440): "I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face." http://tfl.nu/mi59
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.

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  (404): Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are. http://tfl.nu/hb6o
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards

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  (651): Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards http://tfl.nu/4z51
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"

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  (613): I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!" http://tfl.nu/plpd
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

  (1-201): View more from New Jersey

  youre welcome

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  (201): at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.." (1-201): youre welcome http://tfl.nu/sjha
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  (530): View more from California

  the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.

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  (530): the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been. http://tfl.nu/so6l
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  (206): View more from Washington

  You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her

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  (206): You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her http://tfl.nu/auxf
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  (716): View more from New York

  Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.

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  (716): Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time. http://tfl.nu/ytyv
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  (+44): View more from England

  So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?

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  (+44): So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'? http://tfl.nu/cyi6
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts

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  (319): Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts http://tfl.nu/snvl
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  (850): View more from Florida

  the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  that makes sense.

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  (850): the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you... (1-850): that makes sense. http://tfl.nu/5jmk
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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  (303): It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence. http://tfl.nu/6jog
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  (310): View more from California

  it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined

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  (310): it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined http://tfl.nu/11oi
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy

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  (443): shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy http://tfl.nu/uhwk
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.

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  (608): Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap. http://tfl.nu/9p7s
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.

  (1-616): View more from Michigan

  Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!

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  (616): He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science. (1-616): Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world! http://tfl.nu/0fvx
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids

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  (773): halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids http://tfl.nu/g564
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.

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  (843): She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that. http://tfl.nu/vu87
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country

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  (304): She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country http://tfl.nu/39z8
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  (161): View more from

  that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.

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  (161): that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face. http://tfl.nu/0pd0
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.

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  (403): Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying. http://tfl.nu/rtdk
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone

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  (602): And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone http://tfl.nu/f58w
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place

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  (701): entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place http://tfl.nu/zqzf
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.

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  (731): who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you. http://tfl.nu/e0pj
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.

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  (574): god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut. http://tfl.nu/n8g7
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.

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  (423): i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet. http://tfl.nu/u8l3
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  (408): View more from California

  You make shower sex sound like waterboarding

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  (408): You make shower sex sound like waterboarding http://tfl.nu/cy83
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.

  (586): View more from Michigan

  You raise a valid concern

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  (734): Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point. (586): You raise a valid concern http://tfl.nu/k6mm
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.

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  (404): Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits. http://tfl.nu/2cej
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat

  (1-503): View more from Oregon

  Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.

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  (503): He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat (1-503): Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby. http://tfl.nu/xtdn
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  (954): View more from Florida

  everyone is single if you try hard enough

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  (954): everyone is single if you try hard enough http://tfl.nu/81g9
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  (818): View more from California

  WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK

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  (818): WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK http://tfl.nu/o65z
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

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  (931): a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra. http://tfl.nu/ga1u
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?

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  (860): What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang? http://tfl.nu/anu5
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  (805): View more from California

  Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

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  (805): Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever" http://tfl.nu/wsl5
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  (626): View more from California

  All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.

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  (626): All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me. http://tfl.nu/0mc8
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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  (337): Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning. http://tfl.nu/g9g5
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"

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  (204): you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun" http://tfl.nu/u1ro
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  (+52): View more from Mexico

  I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore

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  (+52): I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore http://tfl.nu/b0tv
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  and what did he say?

  (614): View more from Ohio

  there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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  (614): yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world. (1-614): and what did he say? (614): there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning. http://tfl.nu/xi47
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church

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  (501): if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church http://tfl.nu/2izr
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.

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  (503): I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks. http://tfl.nu/i5e8
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  (585): View more from New York

  broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.

  (716): View more from New York

  you're writing country songs now?

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  (585): broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me. (716): you're writing country songs now? http://tfl.nu/hdm9
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

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  (864): weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps. http://tfl.nu/jawa
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.

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  (218): Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion. http://tfl.nu/1y37
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  (817): View more from Texas

  she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'

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  (817): she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!' http://tfl.nu/lcp1
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl

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  (313): I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl http://tfl.nu/zim9
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.

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  (901): My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary. http://tfl.nu/r2s3
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.

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  (918): I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending. http://tfl.nu/bckx
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.

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  (201): I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday. http://tfl.nu/fib9
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Girls should come with a carfax report

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  (910): Girls should come with a carfax report http://tfl.nu/ithx
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  (516): View more from New York

  Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you

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  (516): Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you http://tfl.nu/9qq5
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Something like a penis light saber.

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  (313): They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary. (313): Something like a penis light saber. http://tfl.nu/96lm
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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  (757): I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want... http://tfl.nu/xmvr
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.

  (706): View more from Georgia

  Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.

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  (404): Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me. (706): Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest. http://tfl.nu/zfpy
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  i wish peter jackson would direct porn

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  (715): i wish peter jackson would direct porn http://tfl.nu/76vz
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

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  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids

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  (678): Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids http://tfl.nu/tr3o
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo

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  (978): She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo http://tfl.nu/4j6u
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.

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  (302): I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good. http://tfl.nu/sjs5
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  (469): View more from Texas

  you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

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  (469): you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator http://tfl.nu/bsby
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.

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  (203): if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize. http://tfl.nu/tmed
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.

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  (603): It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim. http://tfl.nu/xioc
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  No

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  (610): Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight? (570): No http://tfl.nu/7sm8
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.

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  (812): She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used. http://tfl.nu/jpfz
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  That doesn't help me much...

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm right under the moon!

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  (604): Come find me please? Im in a ditch. (1-604): That doesn't help me much... (604): I'm right under the moon! http://tfl.nu/u7hc
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  (512): View more from Texas

  what did gay clubs do before lady gaga

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  (512): what did gay clubs do before lady gaga http://tfl.nu/x7iq
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  (650): View more from California

  my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah

  (415): View more from California

  and she bought it?!?

  (650): View more from California

  yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes

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  (650): my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah (415): and she bought it?!? (650): yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes http://tfl.nu/zwxp
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.

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  (732): I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final. http://tfl.nu/j44u
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  (214): View more from Texas

  she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm

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  (214): she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm http://tfl.nu/qx0o
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  So do you want to come over? ;)

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.

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  (612): So do you want to come over? ;) (763): Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry. http://tfl.nu/m0zn
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  The police scanner is talking about you again....

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  (712): The police scanner is talking about you again.... http://tfl.nu/f6sk
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.

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  (860): I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage. http://tfl.nu/q50p
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  (760): View more from California

  We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.

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  (760): We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends. http://tfl.nu/k3i4
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.

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  (303): I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is. http://tfl.nu/uj2o
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  (425): View more from Washington

  my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.

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  (425): my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me. http://tfl.nu/ks5k
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.

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  (919): Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee. http://tfl.nu/oz8w
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.

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  (717): he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone. http://tfl.nu/pjzv
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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  (918): There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters http://tfl.nu/8485
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter

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  (440): Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter http://tfl.nu/frpq
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  New charity walk idea!

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  (703): Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished. (202): New charity walk idea! http://tfl.nu/skxt
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  (631): View more from New York

  It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.

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  (631): It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom. http://tfl.nu/aix7
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study

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  (780): White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study http://tfl.nu/oth0
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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  (404): My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck. http://tfl.nu/0ivr
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  (909): View more from California

  It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity

  (909): View more from California

  Something's gotta give!

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  (909): It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity (909): Something's gotta give! http://tfl.nu/w8ji
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.

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  (312): kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it. http://tfl.nu/8mle
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them

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  (508): just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them http://tfl.nu/j2g6
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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  (603): You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing. http://tfl.nu/vk7w
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities

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  (804): I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities http://tfl.nu/vh2c
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  (325): View more from Texas

  i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..

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  (325): i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits.. http://tfl.nu/taa7
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  (925): View more from California

  I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't

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  (925): I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't http://tfl.nu/i8hu
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn

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  (302): I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn http://tfl.nu/trfc
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...

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  (517): I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night... http://tfl.nu/z2d7
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  (315): View more from New York

  I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.

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  (315): I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse. http://tfl.nu/tyw2
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings

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  (724): dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings http://tfl.nu/fi5x
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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  (810): Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs http://tfl.nu/dxeo
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

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  (248): i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid. http://tfl.nu/t711
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  (631): View more from New York

  Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?

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  (631): Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up? http://tfl.nu/k005
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  (347): View more from New York

  just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner

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  (347): just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner http://tfl.nu/v9ac
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  It looked like if robin williams had a vagina

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  (440): It looked like if robin williams had a vagina http://tfl.nu/jvnv
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  you're right.

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  (414): so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment. (262): you're right. http://tfl.nu/ypcs
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I think I have a pornographic memory.

  (954): View more from Florida

  Don't you mean photographic?

  (407): View more from Florida

  No.

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  (407): I think I have a pornographic memory. (954): Don't you mean photographic? (407): No. http://tfl.nu/ii2n
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Whats the glycemic index on semen?

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  (216): Whats the glycemic index on semen? http://tfl.nu/dx5r
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Three words: puerto rican gang bang

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  (515): Three words: puerto rican gang bang http://tfl.nu/9vp5
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  (027): View more from

  I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge

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  (027): I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge http://tfl.nu/wz99
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.

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  (856): it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar. http://tfl.nu/5cy5
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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  (847): He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours. http://tfl.nu/vgfj
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  (239): View more from Florida

  just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one

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  (239): just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one http://tfl.nu/sg9e
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?

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  (505): When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward? http://tfl.nu/82ih
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.

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  (865): Now go wash the fat girl off your hands. http://tfl.nu/sym9
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.

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  (403): They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside. http://tfl.nu/o1u3
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Because men are children

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Touche

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  (832): Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child! (864): Because men are children (832): Touche http://tfl.nu/qtuf
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high

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  (801): I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high http://tfl.nu/0yq2
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  (909): View more from California

  I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.

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  (909): I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part. http://tfl.nu/wibn
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  (310): View more from California

  LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.

  (310): View more from California

  And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.

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  (310): LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers. (310): And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow. http://tfl.nu/mkft
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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  (913): sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train. http://tfl.nu/vfk6
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.

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  (803): life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin. http://tfl.nu/2cdm
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  (212): View more from New York

  He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"

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  (212): He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances," http://tfl.nu/u663
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying

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  (814): He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying http://tfl.nu/diyu
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  (1-415): View more from California

  What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?

  (415): View more from California

  Irish Spring?

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  (1-415): What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey? (415): Irish Spring? http://tfl.nu/ebnx
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk

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  (508): Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk http://tfl.nu/i7vt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...

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  (440): i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night... http://tfl.nu/6z7m
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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  (614): My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex (1-614): You and your mom would make an amazing tag team http://tfl.nu/l8wh
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys

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  (603): wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys http://tfl.nu/ak8d
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  (818): View more from California

  I hate you but I'm not in hate with you

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  (818): I hate you but I'm not in hate with you http://tfl.nu/vrzb
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.

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  (740): she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God. http://tfl.nu/z4ck
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  (356): View more from

  her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..

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  (356): her boobs were like sundried tomatoes.. http://tfl.nu/wyr4
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.

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  (217): I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list. http://tfl.nu/jt04
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.

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  (608): your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places. http://tfl.nu/fel2
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.

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  (630): last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone. http://tfl.nu/hjip
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  (956): View more from Texas

  Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.

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  (956): Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs. http://tfl.nu/dv3c
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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  (216): I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance. http://tfl.nu/bz9b
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see

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  (843): it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see http://tfl.nu/5bmk
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  (445): View more from Pennsylvania

  We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off

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  (445): We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off http://tfl.nu/9bxu
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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  (847): so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration". http://tfl.nu/m5rh
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.

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  (330): I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included. http://tfl.nu/hd7g
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance

  (303): View more from Colorado

  It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.

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  (251): Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance (303): It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime. http://tfl.nu/1z36
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  (212): View more from New York

  it was like a zeppelin in a condom

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  (212): it was like a zeppelin in a condom http://tfl.nu/vkzf
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body

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  (814): I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body http://tfl.nu/xxkq
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Its my greatest physical accomplishment

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  (248): I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor (248): Its my greatest physical accomplishment http://tfl.nu/iulb
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.

  (1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction

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  (724): she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with. (1-724): I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction http://tfl.nu/qhra
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  (914): View more from New York

  i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty

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  (914): i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty http://tfl.nu/qv38
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  (806): View more from Texas

  What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???

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  (806): What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head??? http://tfl.nu/gwk9
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  (818): View more from California

  I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.

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  (818): I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off. http://tfl.nu/7sly
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.

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  (406): Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast. http://tfl.nu/9556
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  (325): View more from Texas

  how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit

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  (325): how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit http://tfl.nu/gfh9
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....

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  (513): She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited.... http://tfl.nu/lzs9
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  (585): View more from New York

  He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

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  (585): He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius. http://tfl.nu/hqjt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.

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  (508): Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend. http://tfl.nu/c0jn
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  (949): View more from California

  youre so sexy i want your bod

  (410): View more from Maryland

  dude, did you turn gay?

  (949): View more from California

  heather?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  this is jacob

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  (949): youre so sexy i want your bod (410): dude, did you turn gay? (949): heather? (410): this is jacob http://tfl.nu/gn2b
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!

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  (203): walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!! http://tfl.nu/de92
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made

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  (609): she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made http://tfl.nu/a7md
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

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  (404): hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma. http://tfl.nu/dkbg
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  (818): View more from California

  my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you

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  (818): my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you http://tfl.nu/x2i9
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  You can't wash away shame.

  (1-781): View more from Massachusetts

  I can try.

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  (781): You can't wash away shame. (1-781): I can try. http://tfl.nu/os07
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life

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  (469): Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life http://tfl.nu/9mja
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.

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  (262): Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta. http://tfl.nu/1aj3
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?

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  (231): OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend? http://tfl.nu/ma89
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.

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  (425): Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older. http://tfl.nu/u48g
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.

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  (907): I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night. http://tfl.nu/j04h
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house

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  (732): so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house http://tfl.nu/3ust
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard

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  (434): well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard http://tfl.nu/45qa
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

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  (303): I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight http://tfl.nu/nfvu
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  (559): View more from California

  That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!

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  (559): That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?! http://tfl.nu/5bsv
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.

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  (801): Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with. http://tfl.nu/sran
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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  (603): i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't. http://tfl.nu/rtpf
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"

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  (918): As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy" http://tfl.nu/glce
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.

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  (262): I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down. http://tfl.nu/o90m
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  (914): View more from New York

  Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

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  (914): Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way. http://tfl.nu/3diq
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  (512): View more from Texas

  why does the wii remote smell like your vag?

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  (512): why does the wii remote smell like your vag? http://tfl.nu/z7m2
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.

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  (240): He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter. http://tfl.nu/87g5
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.

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  (704): I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing. http://tfl.nu/dymp
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  It's like God shit irony all over that family

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  (703): It's like God shit irony all over that family http://tfl.nu/i9ev
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?

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  (856): My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic? http://tfl.nu/h7hc
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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  (720): She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth. http://tfl.nu/5m3k
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me

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  (612): im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me http://tfl.nu/erth
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me

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  (978): literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me http://tfl.nu/9ayb
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.

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  (601): There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis. http://tfl.nu/xpx8
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.

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  (204): Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now. http://tfl.nu/lhag
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?

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  (203): Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night? http://tfl.nu/k5ad
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...

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  (203): she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school... http://tfl.nu/3kmg
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  (718): View more from New York

  Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.

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  (718): Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much. http://tfl.nu/absj
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  You did not just nickname me "Nipples".

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  (847): You did not just nickname me "Nipples". http://tfl.nu/cizi
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  (425): View more from Washington

  i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.

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  (425): i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice. http://tfl.nu/fg4t
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  (631): View more from New York

  im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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  (631): im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies http://tfl.nu/qgfc
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  (516): View more from New York

  I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.

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  (516): I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay. http://tfl.nu/nx25
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

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  (604): I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked... http://tfl.nu/ab3l
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  (904): View more from Florida

  There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?

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  (904): There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it? http://tfl.nu/a6bf
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Fuck. Wron person. But yea

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  (770): Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex (404): Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut (770): Fuck. Wron person. But yea http://tfl.nu/bsak
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"

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  (519): My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things" (1-519): I didn't realize you were one of the "good people" http://tfl.nu/039y
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  (315): View more from New York

  idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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  (315): idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever. http://tfl.nu/p80i
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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  (248): You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened... http://tfl.nu/unry
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?

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  (570): is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs? http://tfl.nu/dpsw
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.

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  (401): Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified. http://tfl.nu/2va0
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.

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  (402): Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement. http://tfl.nu/h6nw
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

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  (954): Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka. http://tfl.nu/l16y
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.

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  (617): your philanthropy is ruining my sex life. http://tfl.nu/l4rt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?

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  (616): Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately? http://tfl.nu/0g6n
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  (214): View more from Texas

  You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.

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  (214): You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight. http://tfl.nu/qr87
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck

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  (732): no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck http://tfl.nu/y61e
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.

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  (847): She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night. http://tfl.nu/sdtr
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen

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  (847): If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen http://tfl.nu/f9bs
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope

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  (623): If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope http://tfl.nu/gx2z
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  (408): View more from California

  Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?

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  (408): Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge? http://tfl.nu/3h8y
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  (718): View more from New York

  "Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.

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  (718): "Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut. http://tfl.nu/b4vo
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA

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  (250): I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA http://tfl.nu/zqva
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me

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  (402): your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me http://tfl.nu/38h8
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  (425): View more from Washington

  You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.

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  (425): You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left. http://tfl.nu/zkuy
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"

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  (214): I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?" http://tfl.nu/quj5
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  (310): View more from California

  He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.

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  (310): He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical. http://tfl.nu/e9fk
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.

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  (571): the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans. http://tfl.nu/yvak
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  (914): View more from New York

  she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.

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  (914): she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob. http://tfl.nu/q7jj
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake

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  (214): I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake http://tfl.nu/be1r
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...

  (1-423): View more from Tennessee

  I'm eager to hear this explaination.

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  (423): Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog... (1-423): I'm eager to hear this explaination. http://tfl.nu/jgrb
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.

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  (443): i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week. http://tfl.nu/k6qn
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  (801): View more from Utah

  we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha

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  (801): we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha http://tfl.nu/k58e
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  (406): View more from Montana

  She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.

  (409): View more from Texas

  That was definitely the right answer.

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  (406): She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her. (409): That was definitely the right answer. http://tfl.nu/zisl
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??

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  (905): I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet?? http://tfl.nu/qgms
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I wish facebook had a fuck off button.

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  (515): I wish facebook had a fuck off button. http://tfl.nu/0iiv
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  (714): View more from California

  First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?

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  (714): First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance? http://tfl.nu/zhuo
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table

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  (386): Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table http://tfl.nu/ca9t
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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  (317): The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic http://tfl.nu/lvdi
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

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  (214): I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now. http://tfl.nu/38zc
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad

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  (913): if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad http://tfl.nu/tveg
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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  (313): Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ" http://tfl.nu/pk0t
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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  (617): shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick http://tfl.nu/i68n
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  (850): View more from Florida

  some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

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  (850): some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face. http://tfl.nu/tn6y
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...

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  (417): i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was... http://tfl.nu/mlza
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  (941): View more from Florida

  you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer

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  (941): you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer http://tfl.nu/fwd9
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  just do him I won't tell jon

  (1-269): View more from Michigan

  um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore

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  (269): just do him I won't tell jon (1-269): um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore http://tfl.nu/l9xs
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.

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  (902): Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl. http://tfl.nu/a7t2
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot

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  (970): let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot http://tfl.nu/ipdo
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"

  (905): View more from Ontario

  And sadly I did.

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  (905): They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?" (905): And sadly I did. http://tfl.nu/9e0f
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?

  (812): View more from Indiana

  You're dead to me.

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  (317): Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up? (812): You're dead to me. http://tfl.nu/331c
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.

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  (503): well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up. http://tfl.nu/zf7z
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time

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  (270): There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time http://tfl.nu/e9de
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.

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  (330): I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him. http://tfl.nu/hzd4
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  (805): View more from California

  at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.

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  (805): at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle. http://tfl.nu/34ph
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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  (308): I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad http://tfl.nu/3y6v
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

  (1-336): View more from North Carolina

  Glad to see your being a lady about this

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  (336): I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture (1-336): Glad to see your being a lady about this http://tfl.nu/pcgd
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.

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  (407): Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night. http://tfl.nu/8tsr
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Am i fat?

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  Well i wouldnt let you on top

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  (248): Am i fat? (1-248): Well i wouldnt let you on top http://tfl.nu/1yk2
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.

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  (610): I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina. http://tfl.nu/pcj6
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it

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  (773): My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it http://tfl.nu/4cmd
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  (516): View more from New York

  i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.

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  (516): i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik. http://tfl.nu/oo49
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.

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  (614): This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz (1-614): Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual. http://tfl.nu/85jo
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  (805): View more from California

  she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu

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  (805): she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu http://tfl.nu/ucad
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  (714): View more from California

  I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.

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  (714): I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality. http://tfl.nu/yabq
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  (585): View more from New York

  This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?

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  (585): This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat? http://tfl.nu/3sn0
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  (951): View more from California

  Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.

  (951): View more from California

  Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.

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  (951): Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night. (951): Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended. http://tfl.nu/dcrw
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list

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  (330): Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list http://tfl.nu/ucvs
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  (415): View more from California

  I'll probably hate you when I'm sober

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  (415): I'll probably hate you when I'm sober http://tfl.nu/uq7b
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.

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  (870): Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine. http://tfl.nu/j38c
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step

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  (781): I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step http://tfl.nu/hwjf
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..

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  (410): I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle.. http://tfl.nu/lwyr
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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  (402): yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic (1-402): i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities. http://tfl.nu/psst
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?

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  (404): Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip? http://tfl.nu/mroo
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  (562): View more from California

  Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.

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  (562): Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek. http://tfl.nu/3lde
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.

  (256): View more from Alabama

  that was the beginning of the end.

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  (256): So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school. (256): that was the beginning of the end. http://tfl.nu/usmt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you

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  (803): My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you http://tfl.nu/g2fy
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.

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  (586): Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now. http://tfl.nu/hw0c
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.

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  (201): Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs. http://tfl.nu/3fsr
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.

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  (702): i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again. http://tfl.nu/kiui
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  (214): View more from Texas

  i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"

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  (214): i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat" http://tfl.nu/yhqk
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  (716): View more from New York

  strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them

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  (716): strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them http://tfl.nu/3anm
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.

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  (815): It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing. http://tfl.nu/i0rl
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.

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  (828): I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick. http://tfl.nu/fiht
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  (916): View more from California

  put your butt on the phone this is a booty call

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  (916): put your butt on the phone this is a booty call http://tfl.nu/3vuo
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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  (905): so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever. http://tfl.nu/wzae
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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  (404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ". http://tfl.nu/tf5y
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.

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  (417): I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me. http://tfl.nu/vc9f
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...

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  (412): I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student... http://tfl.nu/ab9h
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?

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  (630): Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to? http://tfl.nu/fqx3
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

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  (303): Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield. http://tfl.nu/furb
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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  (703): swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back." (202): buy whatever she's on. a lot of it. http://tfl.nu/b6gr
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  (347): View more from New York

  A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!

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  (347): A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me! http://tfl.nu/ye87
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...

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  (817): Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch... http://tfl.nu/5oqr
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  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
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  (305): View more from Florida

  i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot

  (1-305): View more from Florida

  lets call myth busters

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  (305): i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot (1-305): lets call myth busters http://tfl.nu/n34m
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off

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  (215): the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off http://tfl.nu/gmrh
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  (631): View more from New York

  I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...

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  (631): I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms... http://tfl.nu/vz7o
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.

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  (252): i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too. http://tfl.nu/myt5
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  (310): View more from California

   I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set

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  (310): I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set http://tfl.nu/e5hl
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.

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  (617): found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked. http://tfl.nu/pme2
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.

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  (724): I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move... (412): Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am. http://tfl.nu/4pbg
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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  (304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.

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  (740): worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try. http://tfl.nu/d3im
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch

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  (480): get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch http://tfl.nu/ncix
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  (769): View more from Mississippi

  she said she likes her vagina punished

  (1-769): View more from Mississippi

  being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough

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  (769): she said she likes her vagina punished (1-769): being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough http://tfl.nu/ts79
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.

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  (704): i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand. http://tfl.nu/a9f5
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse

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  (214): I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse http://tfl.nu/kj9n
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  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.

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  (407): Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date. http://tfl.nu/dv8x
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  (+81): View more from

  I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.

  (+61): View more from Australia

  You're never coming back, are you?

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  (+81): I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days. (+61): You're never coming back, are you? http://tfl.nu/mhpp
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me

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  (515): They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me http://tfl.nu/jqeo
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.

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  (269): So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing. http://tfl.nu/disx
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  (805): View more from California

  my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.

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  (805): my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad. http://tfl.nu/fiwi
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  (424): View more from California

  You hurt me so bad and it feels so good

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  (424): You hurt me so bad and it feels so good http://tfl.nu/hvpg
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  (352): View more from Florida

  She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.

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  (352): She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all. http://tfl.nu/8svu
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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  (630): I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends. (1-630): if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs... http://tfl.nu/id4n
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.

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  (843): By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours. http://tfl.nu/tce7
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  (631): View more from New York

  Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.

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  (631): Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life. http://tfl.nu/pg4a
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  (805): View more from California

  she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.

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  (805) she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat. http://tfl.nu/up7k
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  (914): View more from New York

  Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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  (914): Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS http://tfl.nu/w0yg
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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  (334): God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises. http://tfl.nu/xfua
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other

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  (605): I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other http://tfl.nu/boea
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  (954): View more from Florida

  8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.

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  (954): 8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on. http://tfl.nu/8x7p
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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  (928): Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex". http://tfl.nu/7v4e
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.

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  (505): My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut. http://tfl.nu/nzlu
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

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  (906): Dude, I think my check liver light just came on http://tfl.nu/539i
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.

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  (570): I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around. (1-570): It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am. http://tfl.nu/ckp3
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.

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  (540): For future references, orgasms clear sinuses. http://tfl.nu/b2l7
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  (518): View more from New York

  wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision

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  (518): wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision http://tfl.nu/37aw
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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  (954): I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza http://tfl.nu/fivz
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do

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  (203): But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do http://tfl.nu/ke2v
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  (903): View more from Texas

  The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.

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  (903): The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while. http://tfl.nu/y23x
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  (562): View more from California

  sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone

  (1-562): View more from California

  there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue

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  (562): sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone (1-562): there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue http://tfl.nu/8olm
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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  (205): I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers. http://tfl.nu/jlqp
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.

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  (775): My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful. http://tfl.nu/tk77
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke

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  (519): I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke http://tfl.nu/3o1y
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  (510): View more from California

  I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

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  (510): I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders. http://tfl.nu/3tbi
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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  (215): Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf. http://tfl.nu/0na3
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  (727): View more from Florida

  if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.

  (1-727): View more from Florida

  Lol welcome to greek life

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  (727): if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now. (1-727): Lol welcome to greek life http://tfl.nu/i7uo
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.

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  (970): Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today. http://tfl.nu/sid7
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  (806): View more from Texas

  That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.

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  (806): That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car. http://tfl.nu/uk3l
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  (518): View more from New York

  how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago

  (404): View more from Georgia

  so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?

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  (518): how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago (404): so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me? http://tfl.nu/o0wy
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.

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  (610): I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace. http://tfl.nu/hmhd
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  (310): View more from California

  Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)

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  (310): Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :) http://tfl.nu/0k31
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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  (847): I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note. http://tfl.nu/4rpl
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?

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  (609): why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album? http://tfl.nu/4xxo
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  (951): View more from California

  My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?

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  (951): My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate? http://tfl.nu/77q7
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...

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  (601): your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible... http://tfl.nu/v1vf
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god

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  (304): Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god http://tfl.nu/7ezr
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  (718): View more from New York

  is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?

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  (718): is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy? http://tfl.nu/hdnt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab

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  (216): So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab http://tfl.nu/z45l
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  (408): View more from California

  you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

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  (408): you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face http://tfl.nu/f86d
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

  (1-586): View more from Michigan

  You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

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  (586): You do realize it's a Tuesday, right? (1-586): You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life. http://tfl.nu/em8w
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.

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  (770): next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth. http://tfl.nu/is4b
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

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  (860): yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her (860): but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!" (860): but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies http://tfl.nu/084i
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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  (304): Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures http://tfl.nu/pect
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  (408): View more from California

  When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

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  (408): When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus. http://tfl.nu/kpmf
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm half single.

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Please tell me it's the bottom half.

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  (617): I'm half single. (773): Please tell me it's the bottom half. http://tfl.nu/3fsx
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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  (502): Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job. (973): I'm moving there. Get me hired. http://tfl.nu/wn7j
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable

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  (586): the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable http://tfl.nu/6hw3
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.

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  (574): My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall. http://tfl.nu/kdj3
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  (914): View more from New York

  Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty

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  (914): Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty http://tfl.nu/3drg
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now

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  (403): I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now http://tfl.nu/plpv
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.

  (1-352): View more from Florida

  What?

  (352): View more from Florida

  Just dont open the beer drawer.

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  (352): Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge. (1-352): What? (352): Just dont open the beer drawer. http://tfl.nu/02la
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Guess she heard her killer coming

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  (973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. (1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming http://tfl.nu/u45m
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.

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  (732): I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it. http://tfl.nu/eqvw
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  (714): View more from California

  I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious

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  (714): I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious http://tfl.nu/8hxf
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

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  (303): I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund. http://tfl.nu/xrnk
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  (281): View more from Texas

  when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

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  (281): when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer http://tfl.nu/c3p9
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.

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  (541): Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big. http://tfl.nu/ayxp
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.

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  (425): Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack. http://tfl.nu/ptag
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...

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  (434): I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either... http://tfl.nu/vddq
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.

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  (410): When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand. http://tfl.nu/fda6
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?

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  (314): I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university? http://tfl.nu/bxwk
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

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  (405): I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation. http://tfl.nu/os3u
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.

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  (401): She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough. http://tfl.nu/js6s
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  (347): View more from New York

  we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this

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  (347): we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this http://tfl.nu/0jv4
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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  (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? http://tfl.nu/ppdn
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  my vagina's been through so much this weekend

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?

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  (860): my vagina's been through so much this weekend (1-860): you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend? http://tfl.nu/jr6r
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like

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  (757): It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like http://tfl.nu/masc
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins

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  (803): that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins http://tfl.nu/u9n2
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  (212): View more from New York

  I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for

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  (212): I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for http://tfl.nu/q18v
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  (+41): View more from Switzerland

  look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.

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  (+41): look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent. http://tfl.nu/4y57
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur

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  (410): she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur http://tfl.nu/hhzt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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  (630): My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock. http://tfl.nu/njgo
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.

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  (412): I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death. http://tfl.nu/3s8a
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.

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  (919): i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me. http://tfl.nu/ilti
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.

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  (865): Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that. http://tfl.nu/7i54
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.

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  (303): You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher? (720): Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced. http://tfl.nu/qahj
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  (512): View more from Texas

  you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator

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  (512): you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator http://tfl.nu/ic52
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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  (416): He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n http://tfl.nu/pe4m
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?

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  (704): Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right? http://tfl.nu/9j2v
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"

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  (303): hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen" http://tfl.nu/6cx3
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  (425): View more from Washington

  i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

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  (425): i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life. http://tfl.nu/aawj
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Houston, we have a problem

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  where are u?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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  (617): Houston, we have a problem (781): where are u? (617): Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here. http://tfl.nu/zyw6
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.

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  (580): That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything. http://tfl.nu/fbvq
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.

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  (513): She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools. http://tfl.nu/fny5
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  (510): View more from California

  You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.

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  (510): You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen. http://tfl.nu/ldf9
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

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  (614): Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is http://tfl.nu/l5nn
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?

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  (336): Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep? http://tfl.nu/earn
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  (858): View more from California

  in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

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  (858): in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby" http://tfl.nu/q8vs
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?

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  (+44): Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong? http://tfl.nu/qz2n
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  (516): View more from New York

  im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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  (516): im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test http://tfl.nu/0qhc
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (951): View more from California

  I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it

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  (951): I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it http://tfl.nu/eb7i
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  please come you make the beer taste better

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  (520): please come you make the beer taste better http://tfl.nu/dzlt
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.

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  (321): Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day. http://tfl.nu/o792
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish

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  (920): in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish http://tfl.nu/24oc
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  He was trying to put me in handcuffs.

  (1-662): View more from Mississippi

  You have my attention.

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  (662): I scissor kicked a one legged man last night. (662): He was trying to put me in handcuffs. (1-662): You have my attention. http://tfl.nu/abr0
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.

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  (647): I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms. http://tfl.nu/aw2i
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.

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  (912): I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night. http://tfl.nu/zcqt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.

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  (248): I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out. http://tfl.nu/085c
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  (207): View more from Maine

  If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.

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  (207): If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs. http://tfl.nu/6isi
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  (951): View more from California

  There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.

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  (951): There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS. http://tfl.nu/ppbc
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!

  (703): View more from Virginia

  well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.

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  (703): i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days! (804): Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us! (703): well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted. http://tfl.nu/ybes
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later

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  (617): i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later http://tfl.nu/ptu9
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  (850): View more from Florida

  come over anyways, right now, right this second

  (850): View more from Florida

  it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying

  (561): View more from Florida

  wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation

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  (850): come over anyways, right now, right this second (850): it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying (561): wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation http://tfl.nu/cwsr
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.

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  (479): Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody. http://tfl.nu/gh8f
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.

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  (412): remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories. http://tfl.nu/emk4
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  (940): View more from Texas

  shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.

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  (940): shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth. http://tfl.nu/kuio
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.

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  (908): Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral. http://tfl.nu/35ny
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  (310): View more from California

  thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

  (1-310): View more from California

  you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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  (310): thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee! (1-310): you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right? http://tfl.nu/vyk6
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  (818): View more from California

  my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.

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  (818): my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again. http://tfl.nu/vc1t
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  (407): View more from Florida

  No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal

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  (407): No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal http://tfl.nu/6ttq
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.

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  (612): It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go. http://tfl.nu/kgh1
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.

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  (434): I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach. http://tfl.nu/7n8a
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  you were so drunk you slurred your pauses

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  (440): you were so drunk you slurred your pauses http://tfl.nu/u543
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I am coming home for anal

  (254): View more from Texas

  * a nap*

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  (254): I am coming home for anal (254): * a nap* http://tfl.nu/ou5x
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.

  (1-801): View more from Utah

  We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.

  (801): View more from Utah

  I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!

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  (801): I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high. (1-801): We could get him to build Inspector Gadget. (801): I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!! http://tfl.nu/5lpc
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

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  (541): I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression? (815): Quite the contrary. Sophistication. http://tfl.nu/7jsx
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  (+66): View more from Thailand

  A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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  (+66): A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure http://tfl.nu/u013
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  the red head has a bf

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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  (843): the red head has a bf (1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score http://tfl.nu/bdta
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk

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  (423): I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk http://tfl.nu/ntyc
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  (415): View more from California

  Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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  (415): Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting. http://tfl.nu/yl2c
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.

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  (480): I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop. http://tfl.nu/wrzz
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  (716): View more from New York

  I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.

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  (716): I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth. http://tfl.nu/f5s8
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i just stepped in cum. i hate you.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Thats what happens when you don't swallow.

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  (203): i just stepped in cum. i hate you. (603): Thats what happens when you don't swallow. http://tfl.nu/7phl
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