It was like giving head to a cactus.
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Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
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