I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
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If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
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