Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
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I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
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