No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
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