riles11h's Favorites Texts:

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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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  (201): Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell http://tfl.nu/payj
  Replies (4) Good night (2126) Bad night (184) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.

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  (843): I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done. http://tfl.nu/68sv
  Replies (2) Good night (575) Bad night (170) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much

  (702): View more from Nevada

  you puked ON HER

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  (775): she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much (702): you puked ON HER http://tfl.nu/qqj0
  Replies (7) Good night (278) Bad night (731)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"

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  (614): don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can" http://tfl.nu/nm9b
  Replies (5) Good night (532) Bad night (171) Order T-Shirt
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"

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  (318): A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?" http://tfl.nu/oinl
  Replies (5) Good night (1383) Bad night (207) Order T-Shirt
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."

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  (228): I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult." http://tfl.nu/mdv1
  Replies (4) Good night (831) Bad night (363)
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I'll start the recruiting

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  (870): I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!" (501): I'll start the recruiting http://tfl.nu/vx2o
  Replies (2) Good night (861) Bad night (128)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.

  (1-785): View more from Kansas

  The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...

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  (785): Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark. (1-785): The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself... http://tfl.nu/up2w
  Replies (6) Good night (998) Bad night (216)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.

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  (717): I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop. http://tfl.nu/nm3k
  Replies (0) Good night (202) Bad night (383)
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  (914): View more from New York

  I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood

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  (914): I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood http://tfl.nu/gm6c
  Replies (7) Good night (579) Bad night (250) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.

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  (425): 'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight. http://tfl.nu/r78k
  Replies (5) Good night (747) Bad night (231)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts

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  (917): My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts http://tfl.nu/5sws
  Replies (3) Good night (669) Bad night (165) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.

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  (425): THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES. http://tfl.nu/y1ns
  Replies (9) Good night (849) Bad night (522) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Breakfast of champions

  (206): View more from Washington

  Is that a dick crepe?

  (425): View more from Washington

  It is indeed

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  (425): Breakfast of champions (206): Is that a dick crepe? (425): It is indeed http://tfl.nu/tzit
  Replies (4) Good night (732) Bad night (163)
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  (707): View more from California

  I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day

  (408): View more from California

  Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry

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  (707): I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day (408): Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry http://tfl.nu/3wks
  Replies (5) Good night (770) Bad night (227)
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.

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  (810): I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP. http://tfl.nu/97xo
  Replies (7) Good night (2173) Bad night (289) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.

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  (727): I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade. http://tfl.nu/63zw
  Replies (2) Good night (673) Bad night (144) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  Fair enough.

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  (860): If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face. (1-860): Fair enough. http://tfl.nu/elro
  Replies (0) Good night (517) Bad night (283)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist

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  (412): I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist http://tfl.nu/c6mv
  Replies (5) Good night (562) Bad night (283) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.

  (1-360): View more from Washington

  It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.

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  (360): I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance. (1-360): It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot. http://tfl.nu/be8l
  Replies (3) Good night (1285) Bad night (207)
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN

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  (574): I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN http://tfl.nu/b0a5
  Replies (1) Good night (564) Bad night (163) Order T-Shirt
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  (424): View more from California

  Update: I may or may not be in a cult

  (424): View more from California

  Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult

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  (424): Update: I may or may not be in a cult (424): Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult http://tfl.nu/yyf4
  Replies (9) Good night (1328) Bad night (198)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  You're my favorite person

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  (913): I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that. (1-913): You're my favorite person http://tfl.nu/9772
  Replies (7) Good night (935) Bad night (244)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  all my money is vodka money

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  I have never read a truer sentence.

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  (734): all my money is vodka money (1-734): I have never read a truer sentence. http://tfl.nu/947v
  Replies (0) Good night (629) Bad night (149) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE

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  (517): There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE http://tfl.nu/onaq
  Replies (5) Good night (667) Bad night (229) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.

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  (206): I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart. http://tfl.nu/h3lf
  Replies (4) Good night (830) Bad night (219) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason

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  (310): Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason http://tfl.nu/dz7h
  Replies (5) Good night (341) Bad night (574) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  My god, what have you done?

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  (203): Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship. (1-203): My god, what have you done? http://tfl.nu/3iim
  Replies (3) Good night (1399) Bad night (298) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.

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  (816): Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on. http://tfl.nu/u2o1
  Replies (13) Good night (1738) Bad night (309) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"

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  (310): I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine" http://tfl.nu/hod3
  Replies (6) Good night (650) Bad night (243) Order T-Shirt
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me

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  (228): Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me http://tfl.nu/rhlr
  Replies (8) Good night (648) Bad night (120) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?

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  (208): I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know? http://tfl.nu/ulgs
  Replies (3) Good night (452) Bad night (184)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Happy birthday, you long dick monster

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  (541): Happy birthday, you long dick monster http://tfl.nu/0cme
  Replies (9) Good night (1179) Bad night (178) Order T-Shirt
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  (806): View more from Texas

  First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.

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  (806): First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored. http://tfl.nu/7kgx
  Replies (5) Good night (472) Bad night (360) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.

  (1+44): View more from

  They'll never let you practice medicine.

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  (+44): Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it. (1+44): They'll never let you practice medicine. http://tfl.nu/k98f
  Replies (5) Good night (1328) Bad night (209)
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  (310): View more from California

  Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year

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  (310): Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year http://tfl.nu/x1ad
  Replies (4) Good night (847) Bad night (231) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass

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  (775): You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass http://tfl.nu/qd0r
  Replies (5) Good night (505) Bad night (261) Order T-Shirt
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Its not chugging if its just one gulp

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  (808): Its not chugging if its just one gulp http://tfl.nu/zj3j
  Replies (1) Good night (488) Bad night (157) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.

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  (757): Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant. http://tfl.nu/nvyb
  Replies (8) Good night (364) Bad night (774) Order T-Shirt
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  (655): View more from

  Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?

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  (655): Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall? http://tfl.nu/cvrt
  Replies (12) Good night (1610) Bad night (221) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.

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  (603): I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy. http://tfl.nu/wb79
  Replies (2) Good night (662) Bad night (407)
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.

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  (434): I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories. http://tfl.nu/op72
  Replies (6) Good night (1869) Bad night (214)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS

  (740): View more from Ohio

  BECAUSE SCIENCE

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  (440): WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS (740): BECAUSE SCIENCE http://tfl.nu/5ndo
  Replies (9) Good night (1247) Bad night (184)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you

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  (201): Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting (978): In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you http://tfl.nu/ucjj
  Replies (5) Good night (640) Bad night (393)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.

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  (610): I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka. http://tfl.nu/ytpq
  Replies (8) Good night (1004) Bad night (173) Order T-Shirt
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.

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  (623): Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff. http://tfl.nu/snvk
  Replies (8) Good night (1167) Bad night (163) Order T-Shirt
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  (951): View more from California

  Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.

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  (951): Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation. http://tfl.nu/t4hm
  Replies (4) Good night (1011) Bad night (299) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk

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  (850): He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really. (412): And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk http://tfl.nu/08bn
  Replies (7) Good night (1453) Bad night (219)
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  (626): View more from California

  Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why

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  (626): Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why http://tfl.nu/74jl
  Replies (4) Good night (1133) Bad night (151) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.

  (1-360): View more from Washington

  Bringing families together since 1987

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  (360): I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis. (1-360): Bringing families together since 1987 http://tfl.nu/o9ey
  Replies (2) Good night (440) Bad night (177) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth

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  (774): So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore. (508): Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth http://tfl.nu/ay7w
  Replies (2) Good night (1484) Bad night (205)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad

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  (406): Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad http://tfl.nu/ib2e
  Replies (6) Good night (1024) Bad night (469) Order T-Shirt
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  (424): View more from California

  The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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  (424): The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here " http://tfl.nu/afkn
  Replies (8) Good night (2801) Bad night (254)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like

  (972): View more from Texas

  Why do you text me weird shit like this?

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  (214): True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like (972): Why do you text me weird shit like this? http://tfl.nu/hcc5
  Replies (5) Good night (937) Bad night (237)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.

  (586): View more from Michigan

  ...how and why.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  PARENTS ARE MAGIC.

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  (248): I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS. (586): ...how and why. (248): PARENTS ARE MAGIC. http://tfl.nu/swgi
  Replies (7) Good night (696) Bad night (271)
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.

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  (623): Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing. http://tfl.nu/8dgm
  Replies (8) Good night (1743) Bad night (192)
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.

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  (506): Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression. http://tfl.nu/0vde
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.

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  (306): This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks. http://tfl.nu/6laj
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.

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  (425): I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it. http://tfl.nu/bssm
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.

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  (360): I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise. http://tfl.nu/2iu1
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.

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  (563): You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say. http://tfl.nu/uumg
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  (206): View more from Washington

  You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.

  (360): View more from Washington

  1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you

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  (206): You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits. (360): 1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you http://tfl.nu/1254
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES

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  (+61): IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES http://tfl.nu/noxs
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now

  (1-931): View more from Tennessee

  You gays are geniuses

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  (931): I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now (1-931): You gays are geniuses http://tfl.nu/19l5
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore

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  (616): if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore http://tfl.nu/orke
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Thats Poetry

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  (610): Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is. (919): Thats Poetry http://tfl.nu/gxmw
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.

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  (740): No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock. http://tfl.nu/8vp6
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.

  (614): View more from Ohio

  That d should have definitely been an s.

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  (614): I just watched my mom get dick on Skype. (614): That d should have definitely been an s. http://tfl.nu/dkna
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  (831): View more from California

  Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE

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  (831): Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE http://tfl.nu/2zmk
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.

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  (734): It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles. http://tfl.nu/qtkj
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  (858): View more from California

  Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"

  (1-858): View more from California

  next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.

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  (858): Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him" (1-858): next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective. http://tfl.nu/n75w
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.

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  (515): I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me. http://tfl.nu/axuf
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.

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  (512): I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland. (1-512): I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies. http://tfl.nu/m9ig
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  (253): View more from Washington

  So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  Wow, he seems so solid

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  (253): So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter (1-253): Wow, he seems so solid http://tfl.nu/880c
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.

  (770): View more from Georgia

  I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.

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  (770): The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park. (770): I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers. http://tfl.nu/217c
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.

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  (609): I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth. http://tfl.nu/4sxy
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.

  (415): View more from California

  I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext

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  (317): TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT. (415): I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext http://tfl.nu/qb0z
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Die.

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  (203): Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart (763): Die. http://tfl.nu/kmyn
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.

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  (520): That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky. http://tfl.nu/gdoe
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.

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  (717): Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU. http://tfl.nu/ziqd
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  (661): View more from California

  Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing

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  (661): Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing http://tfl.nu/34wv
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea

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  (920): He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea http://tfl.nu/pad4
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7

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  (330): Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7 http://tfl.nu/w1wq
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.

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  (228): She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics. http://tfl.nu/kvtj
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.

  (443): View more from Maryland

  *jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for

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  (410): Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something. (443): *jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for http://tfl.nu/ud0q
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.

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  (307): He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style. http://tfl.nu/qafz
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.

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  (816): I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week. (1-816): I think we all know your liver needs a man's name. http://tfl.nu/bufv
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea

  (214): View more from Texas

  WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO

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  (214): Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea (214): WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO http://tfl.nu/eu05
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  (386): View more from Florida

  I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."

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  (386): I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount." http://tfl.nu/nxe2
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  (817): View more from Texas

  If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.

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  (817): If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex. (1-817): It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it. http://tfl.nu/yr72
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  (207): View more from Maine

  My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.

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  (207): My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday. http://tfl.nu/r4jt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.

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  (512): There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls. http://tfl.nu/qrvu
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties

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  (203): i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies (1-203): you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties http://tfl.nu/44vj
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!

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  (618): Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT! http://tfl.nu/daki
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  (210): View more from Texas

  We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".

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  (210): We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness". http://tfl.nu/kq4n
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Why does my jaw hurt?

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I may have punched you.

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  (303): Why does my jaw hurt? (402): I may have punched you. http://tfl.nu/tz5g
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.

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  (615): All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me. http://tfl.nu/gv89
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  (+39): View more from

  scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer

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  (+39): scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer http://tfl.nu/n0yh
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.

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  (678): Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to. (404): We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit. http://tfl.nu/4kzw
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.

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  (780): I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people. http://tfl.nu/y8iw
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.

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  (734): You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us. http://tfl.nu/gs5u
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?

  (1-270): View more from Kentucky

  It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.

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  (270): I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right? (1-270): It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking. http://tfl.nu/u0kh
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  (344): View more from

  So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  They're waiting for you to die

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  (344): So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof (774): They're waiting for you to die http://tfl.nu/5pk9
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  (845): View more from New York

  YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE

  (1-914): View more from New York

  YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.

  (845): View more from New York

  I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER

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  (845): YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE (1-914): YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING. (845): I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER http://tfl.nu/t573
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.

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  (+44): This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner. http://tfl.nu/2gdm
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Marry him now.

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  (330): And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain (330): Marry him now. http://tfl.nu/1169
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  How festive

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  (778): 4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee (604): How festive http://tfl.nu/8kx6
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  No now I'm curious!

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  (412): My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already (1-412): No now I'm curious! http://tfl.nu/td3j
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I come from her. Holy hell.

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  (404): After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now" (404): I come from her. Holy hell. http://tfl.nu/sgm7
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working

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  (706): See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working http://tfl.nu/fcot
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me

  (815): View more from Illinois

  I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs

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  (507): You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me (815): I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs http://tfl.nu/bc51
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song

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  (417): For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song http://tfl.nu/a91l
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options

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  (303): We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options http://tfl.nu/lflv
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...

  (512): View more from Texas

  This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.

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  (512): Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it (1-512): We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream... (512): This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life. http://tfl.nu/ar28
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  (425): View more from Washington

  The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Mole people?

  (425): View more from Washington

  Mole people

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  (425): The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are. (541): Mole people? (425): Mole people http://tfl.nu/8coi
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.

  (316): View more from Kansas

  That's the best creepy text ever.

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  (602): Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday. (316): That's the best creepy text ever. http://tfl.nu/6lgb
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  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads

  (1-787): View more from Puerto Rico

  Croutons?

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  (787): He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads (1-787): Croutons? http://tfl.nu/yr5t
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!

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  (780): YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!! http://tfl.nu/6lp0
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS

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  (614): TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG (1-614): HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS http://tfl.nu/fp5t
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.

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  (513): Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now. http://tfl.nu/fv9l
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  (585): View more from New York

  WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!

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  (585): WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY! http://tfl.nu/cmgh
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors

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  (843): Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors http://tfl.nu/kni1
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.

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  (501): My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone. http://tfl.nu/7x1i
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  It's like the blind leading the senile over here.

  (541): View more from Oregon

  UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.

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  (541): It's like the blind leading the senile over here. (541): UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili. http://tfl.nu/cgpf
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.

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  (330): Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing. http://tfl.nu/k9wn
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"

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  (412): Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her" http://tfl.nu/6lbz
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Wat

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  (612): There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday. (763): like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo (612): Wat http://tfl.nu/5jqo
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"

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  (862): You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe" http://tfl.nu/u8zn
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  (707): View more from California

  I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.

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  (707): I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies. http://tfl.nu/fb0w
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.

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  (318): I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna. http://tfl.nu/hik5
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.

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  (620): Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams. http://tfl.nu/9m3g
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.

  (815): View more from Illinois

  This is why you're my favorite.

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  (773): if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass. (815): This is why you're my favorite. http://tfl.nu/6wk2
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.

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  (206): I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die. http://tfl.nu/n2ik
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.

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  (804): I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager. http://tfl.nu/fc01
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.

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  (513): Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants. http://tfl.nu/xbb5
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  (716): View more from New York

  So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.

  (1-716): View more from New York

  Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money

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  (716): So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed. (1-716): Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money http://tfl.nu/8jhe
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.

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  (321): When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week. http://tfl.nu/6col
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"

  (630): View more from Illinois

  you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you

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  (312): I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD" (630): you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you http://tfl.nu/ztcf
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  How can a condom be "half used"?

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  (218): Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face (763): How can a condom be "half used"? http://tfl.nu/3d85
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.

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  (705): The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me. http://tfl.nu/d1xs
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy

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  (775): Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy http://tfl.nu/2l3y
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.

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  (508): Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country. http://tfl.nu/6o4g
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  RESPECT THE VODQUILA

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  (206): I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again (1-206): RESPECT THE VODQUILA http://tfl.nu/on0c
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched

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  (201): All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched http://tfl.nu/r5ws
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.

  (1-250): View more from British Columbia

  What the fuck, why would you ever do that?

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?

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  (250): I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much. (1-250): What the fuck, why would you ever do that? (250): Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball? http://tfl.nu/mk5m
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.

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  (502): I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch. http://tfl.nu/8g67
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.

  (1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Not the worst first impression I've experienced.

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  (724): Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face. (1-724): Not the worst first impression I've experienced. http://tfl.nu/reln
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  (916): View more from California

  We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate

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  (916): We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate http://tfl.nu/nz9m
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT

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  (503): THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT http://tfl.nu/3zvj
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I have a surprise for you guys

  (937): View more from Ohio

  What is it?

  (740): View more from Ohio

  A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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  (740): I have a surprise for you guys (937): What is it? (740): A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS http://tfl.nu/bt31
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.

  (1-406): View more from Montana

  You're so romantic.

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  (406): I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you. (1-406): You're so romantic. http://tfl.nu/mrz2
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.

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  (970): He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart. http://tfl.nu/gryu
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

  (1-720): View more from Colorado

  Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I rest my case.

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  (720): ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO. (1-720): Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving. (720): I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW. (720): I rest my case. http://tfl.nu/ktzi
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  (358): View more from

  I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.

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  (358): I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack. http://tfl.nu/ybt1
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  (805): View more from California

  I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore

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  (805): I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore http://tfl.nu/eg5i
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...

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  (406): Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you... http://tfl.nu/o96h
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  (760): View more from California

  We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix

  (760): View more from California

  THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE

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  (760): We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix (760): THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE http://tfl.nu/hk7r
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES

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  (978): PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES http://tfl.nu/lra7
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.

  (1-989): View more from Michigan

  I'll uninvite my mom

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  (989): He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis. (1-989): I'll uninvite my mom http://tfl.nu/cezv
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  (650): View more from California

  My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.

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  (650): My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me. http://tfl.nu/zst4
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  What does puking wasabi feel like?

  (1-602): View more from Arizona

  Like snorting cocaine backwards.

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  (602): What does puking wasabi feel like? (1-602): Like snorting cocaine backwards. http://tfl.nu/l21m
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.

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  (850): Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list. http://tfl.nu/5auq
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.

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  (309): My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage. http://tfl.nu/8smk
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL

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  (319): WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER (1-319): THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL http://tfl.nu/179q
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted

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  (402): Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted http://tfl.nu/8l0y
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?

  (1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.

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  (306): whoa! who said he's my boyfriend? (1-306): Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina. http://tfl.nu/k1yy
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  (646): View more from New York

  If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.

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  (646): If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more. http://tfl.nu/8b5s
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.

  (239): View more from Florida

  that is the opposite of a normal text message.

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  (850): I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult. (239): that is the opposite of a normal text message. http://tfl.nu/cufq
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.

  (1-715): View more from Wisconsin

  PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.

  (1-715): View more from Wisconsin

  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.

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  (715): I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT. (1-715): PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING. (1-715): I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little. http://tfl.nu/04tj
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  (407): View more from Florida

  SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE

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  (407): SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE http://tfl.nu/zlef
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?

  (214): View more from Texas

  Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.

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  (724): Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"? (214): Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments. http://tfl.nu/ino1
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.

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  (989): I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon. http://tfl.nu/2nq9
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.

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  (856): I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now. http://tfl.nu/hfm5
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...

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  (314): And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb... http://tfl.nu/trz3
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.

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  (918): That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates. http://tfl.nu/madm
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.

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  (970): A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is. http://tfl.nu/20fb
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  (408): View more from California

  tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????

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  (408): tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ???? http://tfl.nu/bwh4
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying

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  (515): nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying http://tfl.nu/wg7d
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can

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  (775): He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can http://tfl.nu/kb09
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  (916): View more from California

  When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.

  (1-916): View more from California

  Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off

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  (916): When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong. (1-916): Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off http://tfl.nu/emwi
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?

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  (317): Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I? http://tfl.nu/gm7j
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die

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  (+61): I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die http://tfl.nu/r2qr
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  (646): View more from New York

  Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom

  (347): View more from New York

  I can't even drink.

  (646): View more from New York

  The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.

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  (646): Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom (347): I can't even drink. (646): The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples. http://tfl.nu/1cwa
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud

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  (256): I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud http://tfl.nu/dlrj
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.

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  (205): Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight. http://tfl.nu/1hhy
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.

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  (580): the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that. http://tfl.nu/mchf
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.

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  (269): We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him. http://tfl.nu/ojms
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you

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  (602): All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you http://tfl.nu/oj33
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.

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  (508): I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn. http://tfl.nu/62bv
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.

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  (609): I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot. http://tfl.nu/64ct
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles

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  (303): Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles http://tfl.nu/cavu
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  (718): View more from New York

  I don't deserve a penis

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  (718): I don't deserve a penis http://tfl.nu/gla8
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  (510): View more from California

  Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.

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  (510): Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious. http://tfl.nu/ftps
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is

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  (703): I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is http://tfl.nu/znts
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .

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  (215): So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand . http://tfl.nu/gg9e
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  That is a hangover

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I would prefer a headache

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  (215): Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame (267): That is a hangover (215): I would prefer a headache http://tfl.nu/ewcu
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  (607): View more from New York

  I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.

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  (607): I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts. http://tfl.nu/406u
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.

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  (509): I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin. http://tfl.nu/0dob
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  (512): View more from Texas

  We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."

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  (512): We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get." http://tfl.nu/dl94
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  (817): View more from Texas

  We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  Braid them armpits, sister.

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  (817): We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered. (1-817): Braid them armpits, sister. http://tfl.nu/o7hq
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.

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  (405): SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine. http://tfl.nu/9wmu
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  (925): View more from California

  crossed #23 off the Slucket List!

  (1-925): View more from California

  YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.

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  (925): crossed #23 off the Slucket List! (1-925): YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING. http://tfl.nu/ln8o
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  (805): View more from California

  My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.

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  (805): My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit. http://tfl.nu/alyo
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  you texted me "dude im face"

  (301): View more from Maryland

  it sounded so right at the time

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  (410): you texted me "dude im face" (301): it sounded so right at the time http://tfl.nu/8042
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.

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  (215): No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there. http://tfl.nu/8rlf
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  (424): View more from California

  This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it

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  (424): This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it http://tfl.nu/0y9z
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.

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  (732): I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster. http://tfl.nu/5e26
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.

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  (701): Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves. http://tfl.nu/z6ix
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  (714): View more from California

  Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.

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  (714): Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina. http://tfl.nu/kmrp
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.

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  (513): Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude. http://tfl.nu/aac3
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

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  (256): Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you. http://tfl.nu/bzso
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  I remember it like it was tomorrow.

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  (860): Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love (1-860): I remember it like it was tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/1n7o
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  Sunday is the day of rest.

  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.

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  (857): Sunday is the day of rest. (857): As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest. http://tfl.nu/lma5
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.

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  (919): When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs. http://tfl.nu/7b1r
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.

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  (813): I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex. http://tfl.nu/7adn
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."

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  (734): Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask." http://tfl.nu/9mhd
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.

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  (231): A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners. http://tfl.nu/ba89
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.

  (512): View more from Texas

  Not yet.

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  (817): I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous. (512): Not yet. http://tfl.nu/l0rj
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Drink for every country you've never heard of.

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Fuuuuuuuuuck

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  (815): Drink for every country you've never heard of. (630): Fuuuuuuuuuck http://tfl.nu/g5f9
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.

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  (312): Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila. http://tfl.nu/u7b7
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  (940): View more from Texas

  I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.

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  (940): I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex. http://tfl.nu/o4rj
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  (415): View more from California

  Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

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  (415): Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store. http://tfl.nu/kxjk
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."

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  (603): Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner." http://tfl.nu/q4fy
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  (206): View more from Washington

  If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.

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  (206): If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral. http://tfl.nu/sboa
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD

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  (505): I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD http://tfl.nu/div0
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs

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  (610): No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her. (1-610): That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs http://tfl.nu/zsmx
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Why Weren't you wearing pants?

  (647): View more from Ontario

  because pants are for people with no imagination

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  (416): Why Weren't you wearing pants? (647): because pants are for people with no imagination http://tfl.nu/baiz
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.

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  (860): My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church. (1-860): I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life. http://tfl.nu/n824
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.

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  (906): I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck. http://tfl.nu/hho5
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  (206): View more from Washington

  when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.

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  (206): when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other. http://tfl.nu/no1k
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  (360): View more from Washington

  WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN

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  (360): WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN http://tfl.nu/hvye
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.

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  (303): YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW. http://tfl.nu/0vlm
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.

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  (630): There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win. http://tfl.nu/fnn3
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.

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  (913): I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched. http://tfl.nu/3b2v
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram

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  (508): in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram http://tfl.nu/qw4a
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  (805): View more from California

  What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.

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  (805): What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc. http://tfl.nu/01sm
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers

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  (678): im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers http://tfl.nu/b3az
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.

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  (480): Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night. http://tfl.nu/4efw
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  This is a rough morning for me

  (577): View more from

  No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.

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  (630): This is a rough morning for me (577): No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma. http://tfl.nu/q4hk
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.

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  (706): The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina. http://tfl.nu/6jcd
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.

  (1248): View more from

  That'll put some boobs in that bra.

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  (248): No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it. (1248): That'll put some boobs in that bra. http://tfl.nu/9gj6
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive

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  (609): Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive http://tfl.nu/ad0s
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"

  (1-778): View more from British Columbia

  Too much penis in there.

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  (778): Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god" (1-778): Too much penis in there. http://tfl.nu/nb8j
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.

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  (563): You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar. http://tfl.nu/9hcy
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.

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  (307): Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick. http://tfl.nu/ynec
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits

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  (330): He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits http://tfl.nu/kxc9
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  (365): View more from

  James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.

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  (365): James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations. http://tfl.nu/tgs7
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I feel like a color. Like a wavy color

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  (913): I feel like a color. Like a wavy color http://tfl.nu/hgij
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.

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  (859): Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club. http://tfl.nu/0u25
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up

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  (215): When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up http://tfl.nu/2k98
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.

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  (765): Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. http://tfl.nu/ym4c
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  (661): View more from California

  Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.

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  (661): Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears. http://tfl.nu/33uz
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.

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  (205): High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead. http://tfl.nu/efrd
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES

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  (303): YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES (1-303): YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES http://tfl.nu/trz6
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  (206): View more from Washington

  "Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha

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  (206): "Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha http://tfl.nu/1j7y
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.

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  (906): Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good. http://tfl.nu/y37n
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Please be lying.

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Im not. Your family was creeped out

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  (636): You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased (314): Please be lying. (636): Im not. Your family was creeped out http://tfl.nu/82lj
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!

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  (+44): Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?! http://tfl.nu/qizp
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.

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  (512): Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants. http://tfl.nu/4z6l
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  (760): View more from California

  You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.

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  (760): You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral. http://tfl.nu/a5j3
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go

  (319): View more from Iowa

  IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS

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  (906): cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go (319): IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS http://tfl.nu/nt8z
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  (949): View more from California

  July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31

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  (949): July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31 http://tfl.nu/jg6w
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU

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  (847): YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU http://tfl.nu/vl39
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.

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  (601): No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911. http://tfl.nu/s9ui
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER

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  (+44): HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER http://tfl.nu/mt7u
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  (818): View more from California

  WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD

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  (818): WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD http://tfl.nu/zdjc
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.

  (415): View more from California

  Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.

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  (206): He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit. (415): Use your nursing skills for good, not evil. http://tfl.nu/0k9b
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I think they're German

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just say lederhosen and see what happens

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  (513): I think they're German (203): Just say lederhosen and see what happens http://tfl.nu/u5tp
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?

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  (503): In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right? http://tfl.nu/gih8
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.

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  (229): I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant. http://tfl.nu/p9a2
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.

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  (972): I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls. http://tfl.nu/wzfh
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting

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  (941): I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting http://tfl.nu/c2bq
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them

  (256): View more from Alabama

  FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT

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  (256): I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship. (1-256): I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them (256): FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT http://tfl.nu/i1rw
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  (772): View more from Florida

  You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.

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  (772): You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer. http://tfl.nu/ehgy
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey

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  (401): There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey http://tfl.nu/j5zf
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

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  (410): Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar http://tfl.nu/p9qp
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us

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  (702): She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us http://tfl.nu/hsu0
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  (315): View more from New York

  I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.

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  (315): I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady. http://tfl.nu/u0md
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times

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  (303): It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times http://tfl.nu/7i49
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  (408): View more from California

  I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.

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  (408): I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident. http://tfl.nu/gd86
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  (631): View more from New York

  His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE

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  (631): His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE http://tfl.nu/8spd
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  (914): View more from New York

  Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.

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  (914): Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played. http://tfl.nu/0gxi
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.

  (1-414): View more from Wisconsin

  That is like, the point of shorts

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  (414): Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard. (1-414): That is like, the point of shorts http://tfl.nu/qcbf
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work

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  (614): do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work http://tfl.nu/2knt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.

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  (402): Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right. http://tfl.nu/g2lt
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  (714): View more from California

  Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.

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  (714): Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends. http://tfl.nu/11t7
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.

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  (250): Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys. http://tfl.nu/97m7
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.

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  (563): I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks. http://tfl.nu/3sv0
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make

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  (417): You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make http://tfl.nu/3d29
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  Stop whining I left you with whiskey

  (224): View more from Illinois

  YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.

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  (224): Stop whining I left you with whiskey (1-224): YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE. http://tfl.nu/439l
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER

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  (704): she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER http://tfl.nu/3kwv
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.

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  (301): Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours. http://tfl.nu/5jwu
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor

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  (303): Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor http://tfl.nu/xy0n
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.

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  (843): What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts. http://tfl.nu/4ub5
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  (209): View more from California

  So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility

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  (209): So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility http://tfl.nu/15q1
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING

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  (812): And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING http://tfl.nu/tkug
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.

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  (202): I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing. http://tfl.nu/xvl1
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.

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  (773): I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened. http://tfl.nu/5hv3
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...

  (410): View more from Maryland

  I didn't know

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  (703): You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday... (410): I didn't know http://tfl.nu/kzg0
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  (607): View more from New York

  Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.

  (426): View more from

  So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.

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  (607): Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy. (426): So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee. http://tfl.nu/cx81
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?

  (1-309): View more from Illinois

  I decided to mark my territory.

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  (309): Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket? (1-309): I decided to mark my territory. http://tfl.nu/6hzp
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?

  (940): View more from Texas

  Is this a story I am going to hate you for?

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  (940): Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes? (940): Is this a story I am going to hate you for? http://tfl.nu/tb13
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.

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  (614): Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes. http://tfl.nu/ghhe
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!

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  (570): Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week! http://tfl.nu/bw5p
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  (917): View more from New York City

  SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!

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  (917): SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME! http://tfl.nu/punt
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger

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  (+61): The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger http://tfl.nu/x8sq
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.

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  (540): I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish. http://tfl.nu/1i5o
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.

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  (678): i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me. http://tfl.nu/f868
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.

  (1-740): View more from Ohio

  When in doubt always reply with bacon.

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  (740): Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon. (1-740): When in doubt always reply with bacon. http://tfl.nu/8s4u
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?

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  (+44): PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end? http://tfl.nu/1yv9
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  (212): View more from New York

  Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"

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  (212): Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you" http://tfl.nu/ok3w
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  So Monday we're lesbians.

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.

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  (717): So Monday we're lesbians. (1-717): Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball. http://tfl.nu/1nin
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you

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  (920): June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you http://tfl.nu/uk7y
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself

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  (773): Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself http://tfl.nu/pyfv
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n

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  (870): He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n http://tfl.nu/cubl
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  probably "functioning vagina, must touch"

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  (228): I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her? (601): probably "functioning vagina, must touch" http://tfl.nu/w791
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool

  (210): View more from Texas

  No

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  (512): Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool (210): No http://tfl.nu/m5ry
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.

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  (617): I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me. http://tfl.nu/t0zt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?

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  (720): i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today? http://tfl.nu/v6y2
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"

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  (719): I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!" http://tfl.nu/n0v3
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  (917): View more from New York City

  bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.

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  (917): bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was. http://tfl.nu/th2f
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  So the keyword here is "hammered"?

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  (404): And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right? (1-404): So the keyword here is "hammered"? http://tfl.nu/1kxs
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  (940): View more from Texas

  You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.

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  (940): You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins. http://tfl.nu/4yq8
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  (386): View more from Florida

  I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.

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  (386): I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone. http://tfl.nu/mucl
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Bad breakup?

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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  (410): Bad breakup? (1-410): He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB. http://tfl.nu/4dsn
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Did I change midway through last night?

  (206): View more from Washington

  Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking

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  (503): Did I change midway through last night? (206): Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking http://tfl.nu/rz21
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  (904): View more from Florida

  He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.

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  (904): He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer. http://tfl.nu/iriu
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  (407): View more from Florida

  And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.

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  (407): And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know. http://tfl.nu/l7lp
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.

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  (503): I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature. (503): Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true. http://tfl.nu/zw1q
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?

  (1-615): View more from Tennessee

  By a pack of ravenous dildos

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  (615): Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right? (1-615): By a pack of ravenous dildos http://tfl.nu/hx21
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  He was the one that got away. From my vagina.

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  (647): He was the one that got away. From my vagina. http://tfl.nu/504c
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.

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  (847): I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never. http://tfl.nu/n83d
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.

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  (774): I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it. http://tfl.nu/ttfm
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?

  (1-708): View more from Illinois

  head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way

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  (708): is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower? (1-708): head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way http://tfl.nu/d98n
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  (607): View more from New York

  Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!

  (315): View more from New York

  I get naked cuz your not there

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  (607): Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?! (315): I get naked cuz your not there http://tfl.nu/p9qb
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.

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  (210): Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night. http://tfl.nu/v64u
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed

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  (+44): Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed http://tfl.nu/9jww
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm pregnant.

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

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  (407): I'm pregnant. (1-407): The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number??? http://tfl.nu/ivb7
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??

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  (614): The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!?? http://tfl.nu/bmvr
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.

  (360): View more from Washington

  It was me.

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  (360): Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who. (360): It was me. http://tfl.nu/kgk9
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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  (614): The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me? http://tfl.nu/yci0
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  (360): View more from Washington

  do we own a ladder

  (206): View more from Washington

  We do not.

  (360): View more from Washington

  then how am i on the roof

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  (360): do we own a ladder (206): We do not. (360): then how am i on the roof http://tfl.nu/xqbq
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.

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  (507): We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom. http://tfl.nu/ilht
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  sounds about right

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  (215): judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend. (609): sounds about right http://tfl.nu/kfa3
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  (213): View more from California

  Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

  (1-213): View more from California

  best text I've received ever.

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  (213): Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon. (1-213): best text I've received ever. http://tfl.nu/3obm
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  (916): View more from California

  I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge

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  (916): I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge http://tfl.nu/9m2f
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  (212): View more from New York

  The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.

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  (212): The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you. http://tfl.nu/c03k
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  (209): View more from California

  Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.

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  (209): Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die. http://tfl.nu/72xy
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  This baby is an asshole

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  (517): This baby is an asshole http://tfl.nu/mlzh
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.

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  (603): If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines. http://tfl.nu/3y2e
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.

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  (610): I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands. (908): Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful. http://tfl.nu/kbfw
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole

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  (410): I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole http://tfl.nu/hdrj
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..

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  (832): I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something.. http://tfl.nu/p35d
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it

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  (215): It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it http://tfl.nu/0xgu
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  (845): View more from New York

  Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence

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  (845): Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence http://tfl.nu/8d0r
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  (954): View more from Florida

  These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.

  (1-954): View more from Florida

  Marco

  (954): View more from Florida

  Polo

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  (954): These days, you and me are swimming in dicks. (1-954): Marco (954): Polo http://tfl.nu/zk92
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  (949): View more from California

  am i gonna have visuals on this?

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire

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  (949): am i gonna have visuals on this? (414): you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire http://tfl.nu/3sug
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Way to ruin everything

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid

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  (614): Way to ruin everything (304): I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid http://tfl.nu/wv46
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.

  (972): View more from Texas

  Wine is not your friend.

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  (817): I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories. (972): Wine is not your friend. http://tfl.nu/ofhm
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.

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  (610): One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings... (610): And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually. http://tfl.nu/lwux
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.

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  (609): Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him. http://tfl.nu/6jaw
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.

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  (219): I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell. http://tfl.nu/9drc
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?

  (518): View more from New York

  I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game

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  (973): Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits? (518): I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game http://tfl.nu/j3xf
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"

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  (636): Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!" http://tfl.nu/8gr1
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"

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  (303): I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis" http://tfl.nu/qqqf
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  (406): View more from Montana

  He makes me want to shower. It must be love.

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  (406): He makes me want to shower. It must be love. http://tfl.nu/y7mq
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Can we agree to not tell mom about this?

  (303): View more from Colorado

  This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.

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  (720): Can we agree to not tell mom about this? (303): This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you. http://tfl.nu/ipdw
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  (805): View more from California

  So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka

  (1-805): View more from California

  Sweet. Did I win?

  (805): View more from California

  Youre hungover arent you?

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  (805): So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka (1-805): Sweet. Did I win? (805): Youre hungover arent you? http://tfl.nu/l89i
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

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  (704): Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own. http://tfl.nu/ehgs
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.

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  (314): The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder. http://tfl.nu/bkbj
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  (619): View more from California

  That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.

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  (619): That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions. http://tfl.nu/77kt
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Solid. Can't put a price on good times

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  You can and it's called a liver.

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  (386): Solid. Can't put a price on good times (978): You can and it's called a liver. http://tfl.nu/hzws
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Jake bring pizza.

  (775): View more from Nevada

  JAKE BRING PIZZA.

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  (775): Jake bring pizza. (775): JAKE BRING PIZZA. http://tfl.nu/e6ij
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.

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  (407): Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas. http://tfl.nu/zp3l
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  And I can feel feelings now and they hurt

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  (978): And I can feel feelings now and they hurt http://tfl.nu/fxac
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night

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  (215): can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night http://tfl.nu/b1z7
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  (407): View more from Florida

  That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.

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  (407): That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan. http://tfl.nu/f7sf
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong

  (813): View more from Florida

  Thats admirable.

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  (719): he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong (813): Thats admirable. http://tfl.nu/7e4g
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other

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  (703): Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other http://tfl.nu/yr17
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  You're gonna judge me.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Howd you sleep with him already

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  (720): You're gonna judge me. (303): Howd you sleep with him already http://tfl.nu/qfz4
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.

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  (860): New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall. http://tfl.nu/yba5
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB

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  (+44): you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB http://tfl.nu/timz
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I have a surprise for you

  (1-254): View more from Texas

  Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!

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  (254): I have a surprise for you (1-254): Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy! http://tfl.nu/af5l
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  (530): View more from California

  Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.

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  (530): Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon. http://tfl.nu/gqwa
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.

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  (765): Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that. http://tfl.nu/51k0
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.

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  (228): Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me. http://tfl.nu/qpkp
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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  (270): It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.." http://tfl.nu/em6p
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.

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  (601): He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle. http://tfl.nu/m2od
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.

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  (203): Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid. http://tfl.nu/8q4l
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  (415): View more from California

  Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.

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  (415): Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that. http://tfl.nu/2d02
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place

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  (314): Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place http://tfl.nu/v09l
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.

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  (407): Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people. http://tfl.nu/19v1
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.

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  (602): Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk. http://tfl.nu/8anb
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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  (907): This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/qu4g
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.

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  (740): do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment. http://tfl.nu/04bg
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Let's drink?

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.

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  (319): Let's drink? (1-319): Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast. http://tfl.nu/5wza
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  (818): View more from California

  So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth

  (323): View more from California

  Gross

  (818): View more from California

  AN ACTUAL PICKLE

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  (818): So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth (323): Gross (818): AN ACTUAL PICKLE http://tfl.nu/hdiy
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????

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  (978): Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right?????? http://tfl.nu/gecs
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.

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  (402): She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party. http://tfl.nu/tru3
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here

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  (931): I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here http://tfl.nu/mh8f
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN

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  (910): FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN http://tfl.nu/beux
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.

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  (775): Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected. http://tfl.nu/2ksx
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  (914): View more from New York

  We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.

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  (914): We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo. http://tfl.nu/ouwj
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...

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  (303): accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones... http://tfl.nu/822e
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"

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  (724): oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis" http://tfl.nu/2s94
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm on the struggle bus

  (847): View more from Illinois

  just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers

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  (847): I'm on the struggle bus (847): just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers http://tfl.nu/5dpp
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.

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  (617): Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory. http://tfl.nu/p9v1
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

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  (541): they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you http://tfl.nu/813g
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  (365): View more from

  As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.

  (1-365): View more from

  I was judging you.

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  (365): As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over. (1-365): I was judging you. http://tfl.nu/3tin
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.

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  (740): Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves. http://tfl.nu/uw3n
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  (714): View more from California

  You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.

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  (714): You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk. http://tfl.nu/bbnq
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  (512): View more from Texas

  He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.

  (713): View more from Texas

  Yeah you should have just let that thought go.

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  (512): He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay. (713): Yeah you should have just let that thought go. http://tfl.nu/ru9t
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!

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  (604): Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now! http://tfl.nu/v05a
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit

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  (419): we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit http://tfl.nu/q27h
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.

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  (706): Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with. http://tfl.nu/r42s
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.

  (1-810): View more from Michigan

  I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.

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  (810): Two word: claymation porn. Think about it. (1-810): I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me. http://tfl.nu/emwe
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.

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  (301): I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO. (301): Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever. http://tfl.nu/txh9
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  (310): View more from California

  I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.

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  (310): I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship. http://tfl.nu/r05o
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