Texts From Last Night · riles11h's Favorites

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riles11h's Favorites Texts:

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(615): View more from Tennessee

my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.

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(925): View more from California

You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.

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(239): View more from Florida

Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.

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(310): View more from California

Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.

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(616): View more from Michigan

At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says

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(713): View more from Texas

My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"

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(512): View more from Texas

I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....

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(425): View more from Washington

You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"

(425): View more from Washington

She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."

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(323): View more from California

Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.

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(315): View more from New York

So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.

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(801): View more from Utah

Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.

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(323): View more from California

We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night

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(440): View more from Ohio

My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".

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(315): View more from New York

he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.

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(660): View more from Missouri

My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA

(816): View more from Missouri

Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?

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(907): View more from Alaska

I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.

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(323): View more from California

There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"

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(727): View more from Florida

Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one

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(716): View more from New York

I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.

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(207): View more from Maine

Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.

(1-207): View more from Maine

Accurate.

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(845): View more from New York

Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.

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(281): View more from Texas

HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE

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(631): View more from New York

10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'

(406): View more from Montana

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU

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(425): View more from Washington

Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra

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(415): View more from California

You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.

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(408): View more from California

I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi

(408): View more from California

so I peed on it

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."

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(256): View more from Alabama

this hospital has no fireball

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(315): View more from New York

He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.

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(352): View more from Florida

You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices

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(330): View more from Ohio

If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?

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(804): View more from Virginia

He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.

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(716): View more from New York

I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself

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(518): View more from New York

Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.

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(760): View more from California

dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself

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(971): View more from Oregon

It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.

(512): View more from Texas

And loving it.

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(361): View more from Texas

My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.

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(008): View more from

I think your husband is breaking up with me...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?

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(727): View more from Florida

It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend

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(310): View more from California

Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies

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(443): View more from Maryland

Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".

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(513): View more from Ohio

Come back. Shots need mouths.

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(619): View more from California

AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO

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(732): View more from New Jersey

oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"

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(216): View more from Ohio

If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.

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(323): View more from California

I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?

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(425): View more from Washington

Found the cure to anxiety attacks.

(425): View more from Washington

An orgasm

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(770): View more from Georgia

Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Lord god protect this child

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(205): View more from Alabama

I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?

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(517): View more from Michigan

Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace

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(972): View more from Texas

He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.

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(626): View more from California

I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going

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(714): View more from California

I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?

(443): View more from Maryland

YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.

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(775): View more from Nevada

she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much

(702): View more from Nevada

you puked ON HER

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(614): View more from Ohio

don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"

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(318): View more from Louisiana

A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"

(501): View more from Arkansas

I'll start the recruiting

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(785): View more from Kansas

Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.

(1-785): View more from Kansas

The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood

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(425): View more from Washington

'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.

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(917): View more from New York City

My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts

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(425): View more from Washington

THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.

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(425): View more from Washington

Breakfast of champions

(206): View more from Washington

Is that a dick crepe?

(425): View more from Washington

It is indeed

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(707): View more from California

I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day

(408): View more from California

Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry

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(810): View more from Michigan

I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Fair enough.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist

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(360): View more from Washington

I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.

(1-360): View more from Washington

It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN

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(424): View more from California

Update: I may or may not be in a cult

(424): View more from California

Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult

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(913): View more from Kansas

I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're my favorite person

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(734): View more from Michigan

all my money is vodka money

(1-734): View more from Michigan

I have never read a truer sentence.

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(517): View more from Michigan

There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE

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(206): View more from Washington

I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.

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(310): View more from California

Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

My god, what have you done?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.

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(310): View more from California

I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me

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(208): View more from Idaho

I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Happy birthday, you long dick monster

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(806): View more from Texas

First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.

(1+44): View more from

They'll never let you practice medicine.

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(310): View more from California

Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year

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(775): View more from Nevada

You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Its not chugging if its just one gulp

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.

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(655): View more from

Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.

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(440): View more from Ohio

WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS

(740): View more from Ohio

BECAUSE SCIENCE

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting

(978): View more from Massachusetts

In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.

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(951): View more from California

Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.

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(850): View more from Florida

He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk

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(626): View more from California

Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why

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(360): View more from Washington

I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.

(1-360): View more from Washington

Bringing families together since 1987

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth

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(406): View more from Montana

Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad

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(424): View more from California

The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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(214): View more from Texas

True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like

(972): View more from Texas

Why do you text me weird shit like this?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.

(586): View more from Michigan

...how and why.

(248): View more from Michigan

PARENTS ARE MAGIC.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.

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(425): View more from Washington

I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.

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(360): View more from Washington

I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.

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(563): View more from Iowa

You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.

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(206): View more from Washington

You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.

(360): View more from Washington

1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you

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(+61): View more from Australia

IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

You gays are geniuses

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(616): View more from Michigan

if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.

(919): View more from North Carolina

Thats Poetry

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(740): View more from Ohio

No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.

(614): View more from Ohio

That d should have definitely been an s.

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(831): View more from California

Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE

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(734): View more from Michigan

It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.

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(858): View more from California

Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"

(1-858): View more from California

next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.

(1-512): View more from Texas

I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.

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(253): View more from Washington

So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter

(1-253): View more from Washington

Wow, he seems so solid

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(770): View more from Georgia

The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.

(770): View more from Georgia

I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.

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(317): View more from Indiana

TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.

(415): View more from California

I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart

(763): View more from Minnesota

Die.

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(520): View more from Arizona

That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.

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(661): View more from California

Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea

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(330): View more from Ohio

Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7

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(228): View more from Mississippi

She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.

(443): View more from Maryland

*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for

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(307): View more from Wyoming

He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.

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(214): View more from Texas

Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea

(214): View more from Texas

WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO

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(386): View more from Florida

I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."

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(817): View more from Texas

If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.

(1-817): View more from Texas

It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.

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(207): View more from Maine

My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.

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(512): View more from Texas

There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties

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(618): View more from Illinois

Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!

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(210): View more from Texas

We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".

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(303): View more from Colorado

Why does my jaw hurt?

(402): View more from Nebraska

I may have punched you.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.

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(+39): View more from

scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer

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(678): View more from Georgia

Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.

(404): View more from Georgia

We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.

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(734): View more from Michigan

You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.

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(344): View more from

So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof

(774): View more from Massachusetts

They're waiting for you to die

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(845): View more from New York

YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE

(1-914): View more from New York

YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.

(845): View more from New York

I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.

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(330): View more from Ohio

And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain

(330): View more from Ohio

Marry him now.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee

(604): View more from British Columbia

How festive

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

No now I'm curious!

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(404): View more from Georgia

After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"

(404): View more from Georgia

I come from her. Holy hell.

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(706): View more from Georgia

See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me

(815): View more from Illinois

I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs

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(417): View more from Missouri

For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song

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(303): View more from Colorado

We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it

(1-512): View more from Texas

We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...

(512): View more from Texas

This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.

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(425): View more from Washington

The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.

(541): View more from Oregon

Mole people?

(425): View more from Washington

Mole people

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(602): View more from Arizona

Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.

(316): View more from Kansas

That's the best creepy text ever.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads

(1-787): View more from Puerto Rico

Croutons?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!

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(614): View more from Ohio

TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG

(1-614): View more from Ohio

HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS

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(513): View more from Ohio

Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.

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(585): View more from New York

WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors

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(501): View more from Arkansas

My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.

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(541): View more from Oregon

It's like the blind leading the senile over here.

(541): View more from Oregon

UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.

(763): View more from Minnesota

like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo

(612): View more from Minnesota

Wat

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(862): View more from New Jersey

You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"

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(707): View more from California

I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.

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(773): View more from Illinois

if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.

(815): View more from Illinois

This is why you're my favorite.

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(206): View more from Washington

I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.

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(716): View more from New York

So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.

(1-716): View more from New York

Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"

(630): View more from Illinois

you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face

(763): View more from Minnesota

How can a condom be "half used"?

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(705): View more from Ontario

The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.

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(206): View more from Washington

I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again

(1-206): View more from Washington

RESPECT THE VODQUILA

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(201): View more from New Jersey

All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

What the fuck, why would you ever do that?

(250): View more from British Columbia

Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

Not the worst first impression I've experienced.

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(916): View more from California

We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate

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(503): View more from Oregon

THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(406): View more from Montana

I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.

(1-406): View more from Montana

You're so romantic.

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(970): View more from Colorado

He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.

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(720): View more from Colorado

ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

(720): View more from Colorado

I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

(720): View more from Colorado

I rest my case.

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(358): View more from

I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.

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(805): View more from California

I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore

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(406): View more from Montana

Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...

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(760): View more from California

We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix

(760): View more from California

THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES

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(989): View more from Michigan

He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.

(1-989): View more from Michigan

I'll uninvite my mom

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(650): View more from California

My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.

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(602): View more from Arizona

What does puking wasabi feel like?

(1-602): View more from Arizona

Like snorting cocaine backwards.

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(850): View more from Florida

Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.

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(309): View more from Illinois

My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.

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(319): View more from Iowa

WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER

(1-319): View more from Iowa

THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.

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(646): View more from New York

If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.

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(850): View more from Florida

I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.

(239): View more from Florida

that is the opposite of a normal text message.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.

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(407): View more from Florida

SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?

(214): View more from Texas

Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.

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(314): View more from Missouri

And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.

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(970): View more from Colorado

A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.

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(408): View more from California

tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????

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(515): View more from Iowa

nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can

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(916): View more from California

When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.

(1-916): View more from California

Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off

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(317): View more from Indiana

Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die

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(646): View more from New York

Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom

(347): View more from New York

I can't even drink.

(646): View more from New York

The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud

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(205): View more from Alabama

Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.

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(269): View more from Michigan

We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.

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(602): View more from Arizona

All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles

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(718): View more from New York

I don't deserve a penis

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(510): View more from California

Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

That is a hangover

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I would prefer a headache

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(607): View more from New York

I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.

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(509): View more from Washington

I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.

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(512): View more from Texas

We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."

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(817): View more from Texas

We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.

(1-817): View more from Texas

Braid them armpits, sister.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.

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(925): View more from California

crossed #23 off the Slucket List!

(1-925): View more from California

YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.

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(805): View more from California

My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.

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(410): View more from Maryland

you texted me "dude im face"

(301): View more from Maryland

it sounded so right at the time

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.

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(424): View more from California

This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.

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(714): View more from California

Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I remember it like it was tomorrow.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Sunday is the day of rest.

(857): View more from Massachusetts

As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.

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(813): View more from Florida

I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."

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(231): View more from Michigan

A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.

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(817): View more from Texas

I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.

(512): View more from Texas

Not yet.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Drink for every country you've never heard of.

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuuuuuuuuuck

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(312): View more from Illinois

Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.

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(940): View more from Texas

I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.

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(415): View more from California

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."

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(206): View more from Washington

If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs

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(416): View more from Toronto

Why Weren't you wearing pants?

(647): View more from Ontario

because pants are for people with no imagination

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.

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(206): View more from Washington

when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.

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(360): View more from Washington

WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN

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(303): View more from Colorado

YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.

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(630): View more from Illinois

There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram

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(805): View more from California

What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.

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(678): View more from Georgia

im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers

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(480): View more from Arizona

Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.

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(630): View more from Illinois

This is a rough morning for me

(577): View more from

No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.

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(706): View more from Georgia

The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.

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(248): View more from Michigan

No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.

(1248): View more from

That'll put some boobs in that bra.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

Too much penis in there.

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(563): View more from Iowa

You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits

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(365): View more from

James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I feel like a color. Like a wavy color

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up

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(765): View more from Indiana

Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.

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(661): View more from California

Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.

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(205): View more from Alabama

High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.

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(303): View more from Colorado

YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES

(1-303): View more from Colorado

YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES

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(206): View more from Washington

"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.

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(636): View more from Missouri

You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased

(314): View more from Missouri

Please be lying.

(636): View more from Missouri

Im not. Your family was creeped out

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.

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(760): View more from California

You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.

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(906): View more from Michigan

cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go

(319): View more from Iowa

IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS

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(949): View more from California

July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31

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(847): View more from Illinois

YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU

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(601): View more from Mississippi

No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER

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(818): View more from California

WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD

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(206): View more from Washington

He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.

(415): View more from California

Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think they're German

(203): View more from Connecticut

Just say lederhosen and see what happens

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(503): View more from Oregon

In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?

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(229): View more from Georgia

I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.

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(972): View more from Texas

I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.

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(941): View more from Florida

I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them

(256): View more from Alabama

FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT

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(772): View more from Florida

You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

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(702): View more from Nevada

She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us

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(315): View more from New York

I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times

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(408): View more from California

I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.

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(631): View more from New York

His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE

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(914): View more from New York

Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

That is like, the point of shorts

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(614): View more from Ohio

do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.

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(714): View more from California

Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.

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(417): View more from Missouri

You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make

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(224): View more from Illinois

Stop whining I left you with whiskey

(224): View more from Illinois

YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER

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(301): View more from Maryland

Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor

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(843): View more from South Carolina

What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.

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(209): View more from California

So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility

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(812): View more from Indiana

And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.

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(703): View more from Virginia

You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...

(410): View more from Maryland

I didn't know

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(607): View more from New York

Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.

(426): View more from

So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?

(1-309): View more from Illinois

I decided to mark my territory.

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(940): View more from Texas

Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?

(940): View more from Texas

Is this a story I am going to hate you for?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!

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(917): View more from New York City

SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!

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(+61): View more from Australia

The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger

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(540): View more from Virginia

I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.

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(678): View more from Georgia

i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.

(1-740): View more from Ohio

When in doubt always reply with bacon.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?

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(212): View more from New York

Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So Monday we're lesbians.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you

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(773): View more from Illinois

Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?

(601): View more from Mississippi

probably "functioning vagina, must touch"

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(512): View more from Texas

Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool

(210): View more from Texas

No

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.

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(720): View more from Colorado

i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?

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(719): View more from Colorado

I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"

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(917): View more from New York City

bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.

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(404): View more from Georgia

And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

So the keyword here is "hammered"?

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(940): View more from Texas

You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.

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(386): View more from Florida

I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bad breakup?

(1-410): View more from Maryland

He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Did I change midway through last night?

(206): View more from Washington

Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking

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(904): View more from Florida

He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.

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(407): View more from Florida

And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.

(503): View more from Oregon

Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

By a pack of ravenous dildos

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(647): View more from Ontario

He was the one that got away. From my vagina.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.

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(708): View more from Illinois

is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?

(1-708): View more from Illinois

head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way

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(607): View more from New York

Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!

(315): View more from New York

I get naked cuz your not there

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(210): View more from Texas

Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm pregnant.

(1-407): View more from Florida

The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

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(614): View more from Ohio

The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??

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(360): View more from Washington

Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.

(360): View more from Washington

It was me.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(507): View more from Minnesota

We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.

(609): View more from New Jersey

sounds about right

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(916): View more from California

I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge

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(212): View more from New York

The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.

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(209): View more from California

Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.

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(517): View more from Michigan

This baby is an asshole

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.

(908): View more from New Jersey

Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it

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(845): View more from New York

Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence

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(954): View more from Florida

These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.

(1-954): View more from Florida

Marco

(954): View more from Florida

Polo

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(949): View more from California

am i gonna have visuals on this?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire

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(614): View more from Ohio

Way to ruin everything

(304): View more from West Virginia

I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid

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(817): View more from Texas

I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.

(972): View more from Texas

Wine is not your friend.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?

(518): View more from New York

I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game

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(636): View more from Missouri

Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"

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(406): View more from Montana

He makes me want to shower. It must be love.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Can we agree to not tell mom about this?

(303): View more from Colorado

This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.

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(805): View more from California

So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka

(1-805): View more from California

Sweet. Did I win?

(805): View more from California

Youre hungover arent you?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.

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(314): View more from Missouri

The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.

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(619): View more from California

That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.

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(386): View more from Florida

Solid. Can't put a price on good times

(978): View more from Massachusetts

You can and it's called a liver.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Jake bring pizza.

(775): View more from Nevada

JAKE BRING PIZZA.

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(407): View more from Florida

Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

And I can feel feelings now and they hurt

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night

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(407): View more from Florida

That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.

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(719): View more from Colorado

he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong

(813): View more from Florida

Thats admirable.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other

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(720): View more from Colorado

You're gonna judge me.

(303): View more from Colorado

Howd you sleep with him already

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(860): View more from Connecticut

New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB

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(254): View more from Texas

I have a surprise for you

(1-254): View more from Texas

Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!

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(530): View more from California

Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.

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(415): View more from California

Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place

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(407): View more from Florida

Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.

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(907): View more from Alaska

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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(740): View more from Ohio

do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Let's drink?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.

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(818): View more from California

So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth

(323): View more from California

Gross

(818): View more from California

AN ACTUAL PICKLE

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here

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(910): View more from North Carolina

FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN

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(775): View more from Nevada

Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.

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(914): View more from New York

We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.

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(303): View more from Colorado

accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm on the struggle bus

(847): View more from Illinois

just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.

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(541): View more from Oregon

they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

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(365): View more from

As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.

(1-365): View more from

I was judging you.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.

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(714): View more from California

You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.

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(512): View more from Texas

He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.

(713): View more from Texas

Yeah you should have just let that thought go.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!

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(419): View more from Ohio

we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit

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(706): View more from Georgia

Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.

(301): View more from Maryland

Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.

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(310): View more from California

I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

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(315): View more from New York

Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?

(518): View more from New York

Its called bad cop laid cop.

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(206): View more from Washington

Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.

(206): View more from Washington

Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.

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(734): View more from Michigan

we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

(248): View more from Michigan

...that shit cray.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I regret nothing

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....

(774): View more from Massachusetts

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance

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(865): View more from Tennessee

She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.

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(207): View more from Maine

making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned

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(248): View more from Michigan

The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"

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(314): View more from Missouri

My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving

(301): View more from Maryland

He didn't think we needed a taxi

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy

(734): View more from Michigan

Nevermind. Totally worth it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"

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(305): View more from Florida

I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.

(954): View more from Florida

It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?

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(520): View more from Arizona

Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.

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(631): View more from New York

he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day

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(703): View more from Virginia

yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.

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(740): View more from Ohio

no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.

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(310): View more from California

What's the address?

(626): View more from California

Too drunk. Just google it.

(310): View more from California

IT'S YOUR HOUSE

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself

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(330): View more from Ohio

He was the only guy who ever made me cry..

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.

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(817): View more from Texas

I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.

(682): View more from Texas

They're mostly guys

(817): View more from Texas

Early bird gets the worm.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil

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(631): View more from New York

im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night

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(260): View more from Indiana

DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER

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(618): View more from Illinois

Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!

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(651): View more from Minnesota

2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people

(763): View more from Minnesota

and u failed math?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids

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(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

well now I have to

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(210): View more from Texas

I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.

(1-210): View more from Texas

I love milkshakes.

(210): View more from Texas

Not the point.

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(210): View more from Texas

ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!

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(310): View more from California

dude i need help, im throwing up blood.

(323): View more from California

no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.

(310): View more from California

oh, so thats why my junks red.

(323): View more from California

wow. cant help you there...

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(310): View more from California

Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

(626): View more from California

That's two questions.

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(518): View more from New York

it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"

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(360): View more from Washington

he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face

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(949): View more from California

'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, that was you

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(707): View more from California

At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.

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(224): View more from Illinois

you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping

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(503): View more from Oregon

It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.

(541): View more from Oregon

I'm dying.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(

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(970): View more from Colorado

How do you feel?

(1-970): View more from Colorado

Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage

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(318): View more from Louisiana

After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

Stop giving me tequila.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink

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(419): View more from Ohio

HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.

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(530): View more from California

My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans

(530): View more from California

You've been usurped as King of the Gays

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(573): View more from Missouri

Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She puked her nose ring out of her face.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

I hope you fall on your chin.

(802): View more from Vermont

Jealousy makes you ugly.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously

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(425): View more from Washington

I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.

(1-425): View more from Washington

I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.

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(425): View more from Washington

You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.

(206): View more from Washington

The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?

(941): View more from Florida

I was attacked by whores

(609): View more from New Jersey

You threw up on yourself again didn't you?

(941): View more from Florida

They were strong whores

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(254): View more from Texas

By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Are you alive?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.

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(607): View more from New York

I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

(315): View more from New York

Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I will be naked everywhere

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(517): View more from Michigan

all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.

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(714): View more from California

I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.

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(435): View more from Utah

I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You almost set me on fire last night.

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

You probably deserved it.

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(571): View more from Virginia

How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

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(254): View more from Texas

What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?

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(714): View more from California

It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area

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(914): View more from New York

The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

Wait. Someome brought slutcake?

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(530): View more from California

Maybe I'm a robot.

(831): View more from California

You can't be that drunk already

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(973): View more from New Jersey

"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time

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(406): View more from Montana

I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.

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(409): View more from Texas

Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.

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(949): View more from California

One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a Thursday.

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(619): View more from California

Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.

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(940): View more from Texas

Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.

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(713): View more from Texas

Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?

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(951): View more from California

Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time

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(240): View more from Maryland

Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.

(434): View more from Virginia

Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

walking out with herpes. that would be worse

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(438): View more from Quebec

gladiator or hannah montana?

(514): View more from Quebec

This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.

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(310): View more from California

I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.

(1-310): View more from California

Make one for john too.

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(240): View more from Maryland

YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.

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(352): View more from Florida

You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.

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(941): View more from Florida

I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.

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(425): View more from Washington

One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized

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(510): View more from California

I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.

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(949): View more from California

At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?

(714): View more from California

I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

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(914): View more from New York

I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage

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(848): View more from New Jersey

You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

Now it's a party.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I want to take my head off and cuddle with it

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!

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(314): View more from Missouri

You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Glow parties are what I live for

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

Your priorities in life astound me

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(360): View more from Washington

Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed

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(916): View more from California

It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning

(519): View more from Ontario

Omg I think I'm in the wrong class

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I'm drinking too much free beer

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question

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(320): View more from Minnesota

He won't sleep with me again until I commit...

(1-320): View more from Minnesota

Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.

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(646): View more from New York

This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie

(347): View more from New York

It's not

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(630): View more from Illinois

The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.

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(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.

(507): View more from Minnesota

Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.

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(348): View more from

Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.

(1-348): View more from

You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch

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(206): View more from Washington

i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.

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(+04): View more from

I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You almost married that.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.

(224): View more from Illinois

Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.

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(913): View more from Kansas

The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.

(816): View more from Missouri

Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from

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(561): View more from Florida

Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

(1-561): View more from Florida

Who the fuck is this

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?

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(806): View more from Texas

Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.

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(847): View more from Illinois

All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.

(773): View more from Illinois

that bad?

(847): View more from Illinois

u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns

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(903): View more from Texas

Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?

(505): View more from New Mexico

yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts

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(941): View more from Florida

It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.

(1-941): View more from Florida

Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.

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(928): View more from Arizona

My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.

(308): View more from Nebraska

Pass the awkward sauce please.

(928): View more from Arizona

I'm drowning in it here

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.

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(352): View more from Florida

I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.

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(770): View more from Georgia

you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.

(678): View more from Georgia

THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(713): View more from Texas

We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Marry him. Now.

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(917): View more from New York City

Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I could have done it in 2

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(707): View more from California

Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick

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(541): View more from Oregon

I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime

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(806): View more from Texas

Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.

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(512): View more from Texas

There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

(1-512): View more from Texas

Where are you?

(512): View more from Texas

Jimmy John's.

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(641): View more from Iowa

you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why do you think it's a no-pants party?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.

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(772): View more from Florida

You're fine

(585): View more from New York

I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just Tebowed the shit out of her.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.

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(815): View more from Illinois

omg. MEgabus. stoned.

(815): View more from Illinois

Theres these two guys talking.

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(585): View more from New York

You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm wearing red that night.

(301): View more from Maryland

Noted, what shade?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

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(360): View more from Washington

5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina

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(801): View more from Utah

I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.

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(660): View more from Missouri

i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting

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(703): View more from Virginia

The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.

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(914): View more from New York

She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT

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(678): View more from Georgia

This is the weirdest negotiation ever.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.

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(585): View more from New York

Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying

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(607): View more from New York

I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!

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(248): View more from Michigan

If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.

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(540): View more from Virginia

come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol

(540): View more from Virginia

its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.

(518): View more from New York

So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?

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(757): View more from Virginia

Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?

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(702): View more from Nevada

The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves

(806): View more from Texas

That's not technology. Doesn't count.

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(602): View more from Arizona

You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.

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(+61): View more from Australia

we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed

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(623): View more from Arizona

Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."

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(207): View more from Maine

Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?

(1-207): View more from Maine

I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.

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(917): View more from New York City

every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

she's gonna get diseases

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(216): View more from Ohio

I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"

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(850): View more from Florida

I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

(1-361): View more from Texas

Ew! He's just a child!

(361): View more from Texas

AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?

(1-574): View more from Indiana

Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Cats found the secret coke stash again

(519): View more from Ontario

They owe us $80.

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(217): View more from Illinois

While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.

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(305): View more from Florida

I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.

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(512): View more from Texas

no drinking for a week

(1-512): View more from Texas

if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes

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(805): View more from California

You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.

(1-805): View more from California

watch me

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Why didn't I see you last night!?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.

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(914): View more from New York

He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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(206): View more from Washington

Gong!

(1-253): View more from Washington

YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT

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(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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(516): View more from New York

It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything

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(734): View more from Michigan

Guess what happened to me today at work?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

I have chlamydia. What happened.

(734): View more from Michigan

Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.

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(904): View more from Florida

Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?

(859): View more from Kentucky

i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.

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(417): View more from Missouri

So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.

(1-471): View more from

That's all you talk about when you are wasted.

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(209): View more from California

He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia

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(254): View more from Texas

Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be

(254): View more from Texas

Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54

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(806): View more from Texas

No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.

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(518): View more from New York

They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.

(1-518): View more from New York

Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.

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(214): View more from Texas

Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?

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(541): View more from Oregon

And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch

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(313): View more from Michigan

So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?

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(410): View more from Maryland

SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't text me with that hand

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(817): View more from Texas

Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...

(1-817): View more from Texas

This hangover makes more sense now

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(619): View more from California

You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth

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(480): View more from Arizona

You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.

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(845): View more from New York

Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."

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(815): View more from Illinois

im sober

(920): View more from Wisconsin

you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(248): View more from Michigan

She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.

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(530): View more from California

On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?

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(269): View more from Michigan

he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"

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(210): View more from Texas

Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

I like the way you think.

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(773): View more from Illinois

That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.

(804): View more from Virginia

It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(936): View more from Texas

If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki

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(719): View more from Colorado

Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.

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(914): View more from New York

He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch

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(614): View more from Ohio

You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.

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(240): View more from Maryland

and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.

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(954): View more from Florida

in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.

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(845): View more from New York

We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.

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(631): View more from New York

We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts

(1-631): View more from New York

Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

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(609): View more from New Jersey

My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

Why?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

How have you survived this long?

(479): View more from Arkansas

Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.

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(219): View more from Indiana

You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals

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(323): View more from California

How did I end up in the pool?!

(480): View more from Arizona

Welcome to ASU

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(847): View more from Illinois

He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

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(646): View more from New York

HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.

(720): View more from Colorado

Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?

(303): View more from Colorado

my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are

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(940): View more from Texas

My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!

(940): View more from Texas

HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(443): View more from Maryland

i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!

(410): View more from Maryland

dude. im stealing that.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?

(1-618): View more from Illinois

We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.

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(757): View more from Virginia

i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?

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(650): View more from California

Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it

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(206): View more from Washington

You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)

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(949): View more from California

You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."

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(419): View more from Ohio

You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Um. I literally have no words.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

You're welcome.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?

(316): View more from Kansas

pills.

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(512): View more from Texas

her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"

(1-512): View more from Texas

you motherfucker

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(618): View more from Illinois

Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.

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(661): View more from California

He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..

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(708): View more from Illinois

is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro

(773): View more from Illinois

yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.

(708): View more from Illinois

how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?

(910): View more from North Carolina

That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?

(770): View more from Georgia

Touche.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.

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(212): View more from New York

he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings

(718): View more from New York

He can't hurt my feelings

(718): View more from New York

I don't have feelings.

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(248): View more from Michigan

toast her oven

(1-248): View more from Michigan

toast her strudel

(248): View more from Michigan

inspect her gadget

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(650): View more from California

There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.

(650): View more from California

I tried to assassinate the ginger baby

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What are we going to do tonight?

(704): View more from North Carolina

What we try to do every night. Take over the world

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(847): View more from Illinois

Rock

(630): View more from Illinois

Scissors

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuck

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(440): View more from Ohio

I love you

(720): View more from Colorado

are you drunk

(440): View more from Ohio

yes but I def love you, we should get married

(720): View more from Colorado

But I'm Jewish

(440): View more from Ohio

embrace Jesus

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.

(201): View more from New Jersey

so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I'm in Tiajuana

(404): View more from Georgia

You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago

(706): View more from Georgia

I could be

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.

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(432): View more from Texas

So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?

(207): View more from Maine

You need to stop watching Twilight.

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(925): View more from California

Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?

(1-925): View more from California

Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through

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(973): View more from New Jersey

On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

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(707): View more from California

I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.

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(789): View more from

If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.

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(310): View more from California

Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?

(770): View more from Georgia

b/c u have herpes

(310): View more from California

No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?

(408): View more from California

oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no

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(480): View more from Arizona

Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?

(325): View more from Texas

Because you touch yourself at night.

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(503): View more from Oregon

We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?

(509): View more from Washington

Places.

(503): View more from Oregon

Plural? Please tell.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Whore.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I was being facetious

(540): View more from Virginia

Don't try to hide behind big words.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck the hobbit

(301): View more from Maryland

what about unicorns?

(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck those pointy horses

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(949): View more from California

i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

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(757): View more from Virginia

If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?

(269): View more from Michigan

Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.

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(305): View more from Florida

He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

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(510): View more from California

I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.

(1-510): View more from California

It was probably Jesus.

(510): View more from California

I feel like he would have left a message.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"

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(706): View more from Georgia

i would punch a child for taco bell

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(616): View more from Michigan

If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.

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(214): View more from Texas

in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now

(469): View more from Texas

Pride?

(214): View more from Texas

thats a pack of cougars

(469): View more from Texas

go fuck yourself

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(678): View more from Georgia

I stuck it in and pulled it out

(1-678): View more from Georgia

Did she like it?

(678): View more from Georgia

She giggled?

(1-678): View more from Georgia

She liked it

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her

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(410): View more from Maryland

This is evicking siegelnvs

(443): View more from Maryland

Im sorry?

(410): View more from Maryland

This is fucking ridiculous*

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move

(617): View more from Massachusetts

that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame

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(810): View more from Michigan

My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

either way. win, win.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Grow some girl-balls and come out already

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(315): View more from New York

he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out

(607): View more from New York

what a beautiful fairy tale

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(443): View more from Maryland

So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka

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(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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(408): View more from California

Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.

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(916): View more from California

Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant

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(706): View more from Georgia

Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high

(954): View more from Florida

Yeah, I don't like babies at all

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(818): View more from California

I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

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(808): View more from Hawaii

how do you spell 'special'? like slow?

(210): View more from Texas

S P E L L C H E C K

(808): View more from Hawaii

No you dumbass thats not right

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(334): View more from Alabama

Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.

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(614): View more from Ohio

You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.

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(775): View more from Nevada

i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!

(864): View more from South Carolina

Because men are children

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Touche

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait

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(630): View more from Illinois

8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.

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(480): View more from Arizona

A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

you should have been aborted.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.

(416): View more from Ontario

Apparently you chose the latter.

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(206): View more from Washington

Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i'm watching the fashion show on bravo

(262): View more from Wisconsin

you're cheating on project runway?

(919): View more from North Carolina

if you can't score coke, you buy crack.

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(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

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(973): View more from New Jersey

my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'

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(443): View more from Maryland

How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?

(402): View more from Nebraska

4.

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(503): View more from Oregon

What's wrong?

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.

(503): View more from Oregon

Pussy.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.

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(630): View more from Illinois

is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?

(815): View more from Illinois

that's gum

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

(376): View more from

you are insane

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(806): View more from Texas

Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.

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(207): View more from Maine

We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I can't believe you blew on her face.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.

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(509): View more from Washington

I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?

(1-509): View more from Washington

talent.

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(206): View more from Washington

got weed?

(425): View more from Washington

I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

(206): View more from Washington

sorry mom...

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(360): View more from Washington

is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?

(503): View more from Oregon

Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?

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(805): View more from California

When do i get to see u next week?

(1-805): View more from California

When I teabag your entire family

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.

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(503): View more from Oregon

So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE

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(573): View more from Missouri

shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.

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(614): View more from Ohio

you really are a gigantic fucking slut.

(614): View more from Ohio

sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text

(1-614): View more from Ohio

it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?

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(440): View more from Ohio

if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life

(619): View more from California

with a huge shlong

(440): View more from Ohio

massive. i wanna make bitches cry

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(206): View more from Washington

i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.

(425): View more from Washington

for sure. did you let him do it?

(206): View more from Washington

thats not the point.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay

(602): View more from Arizona

I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it

(651): View more from Minnesota

nevermind its newpaper

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(720): View more from Colorado

yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers

(1-720): View more from Colorado

eat her like coffee?

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(509): View more from Washington

That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis

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(209): View more from California

update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.

(1-209): View more from California

the house was on fire??

(209): View more from California

shit I thought I told you.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."

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(630): View more from Illinois

hot girl, 5 o clock

(1-630): View more from Illinois

do you know how to read a clock?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(772): View more from Florida

you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted

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(402): View more from Nebraska

What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.

(860): View more from Connecticut

what did you do?

(203): View more from Connecticut

i asked her out. that's so hot.

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(941): View more from Florida

Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I had better be fucking involved with step four.

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(310): View more from California

kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.

(1-310): View more from California

damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fuck appropriateness.

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(903): View more from Texas

My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.

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(804): View more from Virginia

And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively

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(806): View more from Texas

Jesus knows you're telling a lie.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee

(704): View more from North Carolina

Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

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(281): View more from Texas

Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

I feel like half our conversations start this way.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

watch out for the queen of hearts

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

fuucck i forgot ab her

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(214): View more from Texas

I am SOOO high

(830): View more from Texas

tell me about your high

(214): View more from Texas

HUGE THUMBTACKS

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

You suck.

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(630): View more from Illinois

between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before

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(813): View more from Florida

Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"

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(515): View more from Iowa

John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

As in blowjob or cannibalism?

(515): View more from Iowa

I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.

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(813): View more from Florida

I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters

(1-813): View more from Florida

What is a male extremity?

(813): View more from Florida

i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex

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(443): View more from Maryland

Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.

(1-443): View more from Maryland

Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.

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(206): View more from Washington

Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.

(360): View more from Washington

You're getting good at this, you know that?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore

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(478): View more from Georgia

I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"

(1-478): View more from Georgia

And thats what homeschooling is for

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(812): View more from Indiana

How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?

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(516): View more from New York

The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.

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(207): View more from Maine

No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.

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(214): View more from Texas

I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited

(1-214): View more from Texas

I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense

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(360): View more from Washington

Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.

(1-360): View more from Washington

You win. Erica always eats cat food.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"

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(563): View more from Iowa

My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Why are you speaking in third person?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything

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(559): View more from California

With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.

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(253): View more from Washington

I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.

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(818): View more from California

Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word

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(815): View more from Illinois

have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?

(1-815): View more from Illinois

why can't you just be normal

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(614): View more from Ohio

im so drunk with asians

(1-614): View more from Ohio

where?

(614): View more from Ohio

always

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.

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(530): View more from California

i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry

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(404): View more from Georgia

what's for breakfast?

(678): View more from Georgia

Advil and throwup

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(626): View more from California

you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys

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(347): View more from New York

we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy

(203): View more from Connecticut

go home

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(571): View more from Virginia

Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Fuck 8am classes

(330): View more from Ohio

Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes

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(631): View more from New York

we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"

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(301): View more from Maryland

All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.

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(734): View more from Michigan

So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

(810): View more from Michigan

You're 20.

(734): View more from Michigan

IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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(209): View more from California

what is college for if not random hookup sex?

(951): View more from California

learning.

(209): View more from California

i would literally fuck learning if i could.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.

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(240): View more from Maryland

My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.

(1-240): View more from Maryland

Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?

(240): View more from Maryland

Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea

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(574): View more from Indiana

how does Santa get into Hogwarts?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?

(941): View more from Florida

better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn

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(517): View more from Michigan

Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...

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(847): View more from Illinois

Hannah Montana > iCarly

(309): View more from Illinois

I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm on page 4.

(678): View more from Georgia

Im on beer infinity

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(940): View more from Texas

never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down

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(602): View more from Arizona

So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children

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(410): View more from Maryland

hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)

(1-410): View more from Maryland

stop writing like that.

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls

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(540): View more from Virginia

I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.

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(914): View more from New York

i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.

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(817): View more from Texas

The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land

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(201): View more from New Jersey

you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct

(973): View more from New Jersey

that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand

(201): View more from New Jersey

she's a dina-saur

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(862): View more from New Jersey

You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!

(715): View more from Wisconsin

I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.

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(785): View more from Kansas

MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.

(207): View more from Maine

HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(919): View more from North Carolina

No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

(408): View more from California

JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just saw the nastiest chick.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Where?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you

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(212): View more from New York

You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?

(475): View more from Connecticut

Yeah?

(212): View more from New York

Stuck it in his pooper.

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(513): View more from Ohio

How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Want any specific kind of beer?

(623): View more from Arizona

Yeah. Alcohol flavor.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Got it. Anything but Miller.

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(314): View more from Missouri

screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.

(406): View more from Montana

And we all know God doesn't like sinners.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Amen.

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(916): View more from California

I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"

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(206): View more from Washington

Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.

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(831): View more from California

period poops. best. ever.

(925): View more from California

omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...

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(773): View more from Illinois

I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.

(847): View more from Illinois

Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Then she called me a home wrecking whore.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.

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(936): View more from Texas

you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

(1-936): View more from Texas

I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?

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(858): View more from California

I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

(619): View more from California

you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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(231): View more from Michigan

my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring

(989): View more from Michigan

i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me

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(804): View more from Virginia

is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(703): View more from Virginia

screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

(973): View more from New Jersey

That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

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(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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(913): View more from Kansas

Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

(1-913): View more from Kansas

What's going on tomorrow?

(913): View more from Kansas

Nothing, it's Wednesday

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(713): View more from Texas

If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.

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(905): View more from Ontario

MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas

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(856): View more from New Jersey

part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You make your fellow Jews happy.

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(801): View more from Utah

He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".

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(619): View more from California

Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"

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(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just snuked. Sneezed and puked

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

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(914): View more from New York

I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%

(1-914): View more from New York

He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal

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(530): View more from California

We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Breakfast tacos?

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS

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(360): View more from Washington

It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.

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(909): View more from California

and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.

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(650): View more from California

areolas are like halos for boobs.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.

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(469): View more from Texas

Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.

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(512): View more from Texas

My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.

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(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(281): View more from Texas

I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We stopped her at 12

(708): View more from Illinois

12 shots? Or 12 midnight?

(630): View more from Illinois

Which answer would freak you out less

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me

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(310): View more from California

The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?

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(925): View more from California

Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.

(1-925): View more from California

If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.

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(740): View more from Ohio

becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.

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(714): View more from California

You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that

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(706): View more from Georgia

Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass

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(917): View more from New York City

And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body

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(417): View more from Missouri

I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over

(314): View more from Missouri

you can't hurt those

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances

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(702): View more from Nevada

Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Yeah, but four times?

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(917): View more from New York City

I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.

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(301): View more from Maryland

dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist

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(954): View more from Florida

so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine

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(818): View more from California

Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.

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(210): View more from Texas

they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird

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(210): View more from Texas

i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

What?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

It usually does with you

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.

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(754): View more from Florida

I feel like the other woman.

(954): View more from Florida

You ARE the other woman.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

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(636): View more from Missouri

You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.

(847): View more from Illinois

What did I say?

(636): View more from Missouri

Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(313): View more from Michigan

First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Blow your rape whistle

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(850): View more from Florida

that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face

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(806): View more from Texas

He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.

(1-806): View more from Texas

I feel like you never had a virginity..

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(315): View more from New York

Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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(540): View more from Virginia

i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall

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(708): View more from Illinois

he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.

(1-708): View more from Illinois

ahaha ok

(708): View more from Illinois

let's call it "werewolfing"

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(815): View more from Illinois

I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.

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(330): View more from Ohio

French fry pizza

(502): View more from Kentucky

Are you brilliant or just really high?

(330): View more from Ohio

Can't it be both?

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(515): View more from Iowa

When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"

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(805): View more from California

the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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(210): View more from Texas

I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job

(917): View more from New York City

You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other

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(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

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(614): View more from Ohio

No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets

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(806): View more from Texas

Two words Indian burn...

(1-806): View more from Texas

What did she think it was, a shake weight?

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(727): View more from Florida

Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?

(1-727): View more from Florida

I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

No thats like a top 10

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(631): View more from New York

stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(410): View more from Maryland

I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.

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(904): View more from Florida

it glows. i had to have it.

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(510): View more from California

answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.

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(815): View more from Illinois

No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

thats actually pretty good logic

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer

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(219): View more from Indiana

she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

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(440): View more from Ohio

New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."

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(419): View more from Ohio

It'd be like medium rare by now.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty

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(302): View more from Delaware

I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

You mean inside out.

(302): View more from Delaware

No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.

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(850): View more from Florida

you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.

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(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Adam has been drinking

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Who has his phone

(810): View more from Michigan

Adam does

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

(973): View more from New Jersey

What's this douchebags name?

(908): View more from New Jersey

Rob...

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.

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(310): View more from California

Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

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(214): View more from Texas

Come over. Drunk tacos.

(1-214): View more from Texas

That isn't even a sentence.

(214): View more from Texas

I kept the important parts.

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(813): View more from Florida

The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.

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(716): View more from New York

I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.

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(616): View more from Michigan

But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives

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(252): View more from North Carolina

It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.

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(989): View more from Michigan

If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back

(906): View more from Michigan

I resent that

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(440): View more from Ohio

yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here

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(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

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(515): View more from Iowa

oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.

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(435): View more from Utah

he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!

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(225): View more from Louisiana

You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.

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(954): View more from Florida

You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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(937): View more from Ohio

And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.

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(256): View more from Alabama

The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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(206): View more from Washington

In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone

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(520): View more from Arizona

When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.

(1-520): View more from Arizona

Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.

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(718): View more from New York

Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".

(416): View more from Toronto

That's about an "8" on normal scales.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out

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(805): View more from California

I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.

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(713): View more from Texas

in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do

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(253): View more from Washington

Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.

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(409): View more from Texas

You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.

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(207): View more from Maine

I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7

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(256): View more from Alabama

Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.

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(907): View more from Alaska

We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller

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(802): View more from Vermont

I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger

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(406): View more from Montana

He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.

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(914): View more from New York

He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.

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(210): View more from Texas

If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

They are making fun of natty and blackberries.

(646): View more from New York

Tell them they are ugly.

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(716): View more from New York

I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.

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(917): View more from New York City

Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

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(404): View more from Georgia

You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together

(770): View more from Georgia

The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

where the hell would u of bought a deer

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(512): View more from Texas

Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.

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(315): View more from New York

hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before

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(903): View more from Texas

Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay

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(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Well it worked

(330): View more from Ohio

Not the point

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"

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(602): View more from Arizona

Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.

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(804): View more from Virginia

The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

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(503): View more from Oregon

One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

(503): View more from Oregon

By 8 I mean 9.

(503): View more from Oregon

And by 9 I mean 10.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

How did you break your hand eating pizza?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Boxes are hard to see rocks through.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Thanks, mom.

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(519): View more from Ontario

he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other

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(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

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(703): View more from Virginia

that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good

(1-703): View more from Virginia

that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna

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(573): View more from Missouri

You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.

(816): View more from Missouri

Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.

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(510): View more from California

Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting

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(516): View more from New York

I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.

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(239): View more from Florida

Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does

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(646): View more from New York

Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.

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(708): View more from Illinois

The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.

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(989): View more from Michigan

we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.

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(253): View more from Washington

I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.

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(206): View more from Washington

you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway

(925): View more from California

I hate that you know that from experience

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(951): View more from California

I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway

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(763): View more from Minnesota

how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

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(574): View more from Indiana

Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.

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(315): View more from New York

What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Its 11 o'clock somewhere

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(347): View more from New York

his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.

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(661): View more from California

fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?

(1-308): View more from Nebraska

i hate being the asshole.

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(661): View more from California

The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."

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(716): View more from New York

I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.

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(440): View more from Ohio

im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.

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(518): View more from New York

They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower

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(512): View more from Texas

did you find a tooth?

(254): View more from Texas

did you lose one?

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(309): View more from Illinois

She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"

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(334): View more from Alabama

I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol

(256): View more from Alabama

Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs

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(812): View more from Indiana

The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age

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(210): View more from Texas

A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".

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(707): View more from California

I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.

(1-707): View more from California

is that even a sentence?

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(443): View more from Maryland

She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.

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(214): View more from Texas

It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend

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(503): View more from Oregon

I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.

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(914): View more from New York

Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class

(1-914): View more from New York

that is WHY your in summer classes

(914): View more from New York

worth it

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either

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(206): View more from Washington

My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.

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(713): View more from Texas

That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can get orange kush...

(586): View more from Michigan

GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

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(925): View more from California

don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement

(510): View more from California

big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(415): View more from California

My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.

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(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

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(786): View more from Florida

She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick

(305): View more from Florida

I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.

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(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Why are you covered in frosting?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(707): View more from California

She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians

(503): View more from Oregon

How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?

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(607): View more from New York

do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand

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(416): View more from Toronto

I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.

(905): View more from Ontario

Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.

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(330): View more from Ohio

why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

I'll google it

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.

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(720): View more from Colorado

At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course

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(205): View more from Alabama

Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(850): View more from Florida

She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing

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(443): View more from Maryland

His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake

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(213): View more from California

i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night

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(619): View more from California

When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.

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(+47): View more from Norway

i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(253): View more from Washington

he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.

(901): View more from Tennessee

BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(650): View more from California

she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.

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(310): View more from California

she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex

(1-310): View more from California

wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh

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(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?

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(650): View more from California

Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th

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(561): View more from Florida

so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(616): View more from Michigan

whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.

(231): View more from Michigan

i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Perfectly normal.

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(518): View more from New York

i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with

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(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions

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(903): View more from Texas

The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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(718): View more from New York

you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.

(917): View more from New York City

i told you we never speak of that again

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(616): View more from Michigan

sometimes you have to go after what you want

(313): View more from Michigan

true. and i really want to cum

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...

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(804): View more from Virginia

there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!

(1-804): View more from Virginia

Wait are they playing beer pong to?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

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(703): View more from Virginia

You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..

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(303): View more from Colorado

You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.

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(713): View more from Texas

I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.

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(61): View more from Australia

Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.

(616): View more from Michigan

I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?

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(619): View more from California

he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up

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(503): View more from Oregon

We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.

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(305): View more from Florida

It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children

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(740): View more from Ohio

Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .

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(516): View more from New York

Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat

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(509): View more from Washington

Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.

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(727): View more from Florida

and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos

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(330): View more from Ohio

he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.

(864): View more from South Carolina

And I meant every ounce of it.

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(646): View more from New York

Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit

(646): View more from New York

The facepaint not the blacking out

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

and you succeeded.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity

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(707): View more from California

I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.

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(970): View more from Colorado

But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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(224): View more from Illinois

get to allyx's house asap

(312): View more from Illinois

Ok is everything ok

(224): View more from Illinois

Yeah, theres just lesbians

(312): View more from Illinois

omg yes on my way

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(641): View more from Iowa

is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

That's because you are an idiot.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?

(1-678): View more from Georgia

630.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".

(781): View more from Massachusetts

It was only one, it doesn't count.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

(815): View more from Illinois

Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(386): View more from Florida

Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.

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(850): View more from Florida

She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(607): View more from New York

My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

someone was throwing condoms at us.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

no, they just magically show up around you.

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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(631): View more from New York

"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence

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(651): View more from Minnesota

No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

She still started it.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.

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(810): View more from Michigan

We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.

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(347): View more from New York

full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb

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(804): View more from Virginia

I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.

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(760): View more from California

if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.

(513): View more from Ohio

I stole a bike. Here's a pic

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(254): View more from Texas

There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.

(512): View more from Texas

That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.

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(518): View more from New York

I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.

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(727): View more from Florida

at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

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(554): View more from

No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted

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(712): View more from Iowa

slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident

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(916): View more from California

when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.

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(806): View more from Texas

For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.

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(407): View more from Florida

You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.

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(813): View more from Florida

Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.

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(330): View more from Ohio

She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.

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(513): View more from Ohio

well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...

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(805): View more from California

I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa

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(360): View more from Washington

If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.

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(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.

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(802): View more from Vermont

does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children

(1-802): View more from Vermont

actually, i try not to think about it

(802): View more from Vermont

and i pooped them out

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(514): View more from Quebec

The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.

(1-214): View more from Texas

that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(847): View more from Illinois

So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?

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(408): View more from California

They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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(319): View more from Iowa

How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

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(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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(734): View more from Michigan

turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis

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(661): View more from California

i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

(951): View more from California

u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

(661): View more from California

i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know where my bra went.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(714): View more from California

My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.

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(239): View more from Florida

I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling

(1-239): View more from Florida

You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?

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(254): View more from Texas

that's what penises do

(254): View more from Texas

they tell lies.

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(718): View more from New York

If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment

(757): View more from Virginia

Personally I think it's a tremendous investment

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(330): View more from Ohio

Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

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(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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(513): View more from Ohio

All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.

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(661): View more from California

1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

(1-661): View more from California

1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

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(213): View more from California

your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors

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(214): View more from Texas

Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.

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(208): View more from Idaho

the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker

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(515): View more from Iowa

You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included

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(407): View more from Florida

hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future

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(775): View more from Nevada

THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.

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(815): View more from Illinois

But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

(917): View more from New York City

what kind of party is this?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the best kind ever

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(856): View more from New Jersey

just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.

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(317): View more from Indiana

so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you

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(602): View more from Arizona

We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

(480): View more from Arizona

What will that accomplish?

(602): View more from Arizona

It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

(410): View more from Maryland

engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

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(650): View more from California

so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

(1-650): View more from California

did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

bl l w

(201): View more from New Jersey

this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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(720): View more from Colorado

Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

(1-602): View more from Arizona

you mean pants?

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(559): View more from California

Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE

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(510): View more from California

I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk

(415): View more from California

yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.

(843): View more from South Carolina

drunk me is so punny.

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(303): View more from Colorado

wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil

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(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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(619): View more from California

He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.

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(631): View more from New York

well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

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(949): View more from California

you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day

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(925): View more from California

Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard

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(904): View more from Florida

the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.

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(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.

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(914): View more from New York

Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk

(1-914): View more from New York

It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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(240): View more from Maryland

stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

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(513): View more from Ohio

NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

(1-513): View more from Ohio

God I fucking love America.

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(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?

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(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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(818): View more from California

So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice

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(810): View more from Michigan

kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.

(703): View more from Virginia

mine is 'the'.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.

(309): View more from Illinois

"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.

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(210): View more from Texas

By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE

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(704): View more from North Carolina

see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.

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(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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(810): View more from Michigan

we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

just woke up in my neighbors garage.

(931): View more from Tennessee

scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Glad to see your being a lady about this

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(503): View more from Oregon

He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Marry him

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Well how do you think I feel

(860): View more from Connecticut

fair enough

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(716): View more from New York

holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

(1-716): View more from New York

How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

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(217): View more from Illinois

You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"

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(231): View more from Michigan

A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.

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(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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(817): View more from Texas

What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?

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(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

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(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

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(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

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(425): View more from Washington

You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(360): View more from Washington

nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked

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(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(972): View more from Texas

I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(310): View more from California

i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(517): View more from Michigan

New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause

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(850): View more from Florida

Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.

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(360): View more from Washington

I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.

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(516): View more from New York

I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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(812): View more from Indiana

You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night

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(702): View more from Nevada

facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me

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(705): View more from Ontario

She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.

(905): View more from Ontario

I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.

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(253): View more from Washington

Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.

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(562): View more from California

you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(443): View more from Maryland

I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong

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(513): View more from Ohio

the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!

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(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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(619): View more from California

he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict

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(302): View more from Delaware

when are you leaving homes?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51

(302): View more from Delaware

I had a sex dream about Oprah.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

go back to sleep

(302): View more from Delaware

dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.

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(386): View more from Florida

You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?

(1-386): View more from Florida

Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.

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(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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(315): View more from New York

some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"

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(972): View more from Texas

My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...

(316): View more from Kansas

Just the budget?

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(417): View more from Missouri

You totally left a blue butt print on our banister

(573): View more from Missouri

Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.

(228): View more from Mississippi

Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You know i think she's just using me for sex

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I hate you.

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(705): View more from Ontario

You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We just shotgunned beers for America

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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(647): View more from Ontario

there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

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(770): View more from Georgia

You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.

(518): View more from New York

I am in love with you.

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(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(970): View more from Colorado

There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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(804): View more from Virginia

My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.

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(512): View more from Texas

We need a plan...

(1-512): View more from Texas

Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(678): View more from Georgia

He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.

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(425): View more from Washington

Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes

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(425): View more from Washington

Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

(1-425): View more from Washington

Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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(732): View more from New Jersey

four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

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(315): View more from New York

its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus

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(503): View more from Oregon

i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text

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(443): View more from Maryland

I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

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(661): View more from California

So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?

(818): View more from California

I hate you.

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(214): View more from Texas

So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far

(713): View more from Texas

Sounds better than last semester

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(443): View more from Maryland

Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.

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(224): View more from Illinois

You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.

(630): View more from Illinois

Thats like the definition of a good friend

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(618): View more from Illinois

Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.

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(239): View more from Florida

While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".

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(404): View more from Georgia

Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate

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(573): View more from Missouri

Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday

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(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.

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(313): View more from Michigan

well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".

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(406): View more from Montana

As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

Soup is delicious

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(904): View more from Florida

Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(954): View more from Florida

We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

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(510): View more from California

Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(813): View more from Florida

i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?

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(519): View more from Ontario

Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.

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(850): View more from Florida

"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?

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(416): View more from Toronto

I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon

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(949): View more from California

it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable

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(831): View more from California

Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.

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(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.

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(213): View more from California

Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.

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(805): View more from California

Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.

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(516): View more from New York

Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me

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(512): View more from Texas

You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.

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(480): View more from Arizona

There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(616): View more from Michigan

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

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(812): View more from Indiana

I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.

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(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times

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(301): View more from Maryland

I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

(704): View more from North Carolina

How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

(301): View more from Maryland

Salt in an open wound right now.

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(818): View more from California

I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.

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(269): View more from Michigan

its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"

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(702): View more from Nevada

No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.

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(646): View more from New York

I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Walk of Shame today included voting.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

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(208): View more from Idaho

What's a "vodkaffle"?

(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.

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(248): View more from Michigan

about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I supposed to find that romantic?

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(678): View more from Georgia

She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever

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(716): View more from New York

your facebook page is a work of drunk art.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."

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(706): View more from Georgia

What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun

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(908): View more from New Jersey

idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it

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(347): View more from New York

today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud

(917): View more from New York City

it's sad that this is a milestone

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(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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(713): View more from Texas

She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.

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(573): View more from Missouri

You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out

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(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

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(313): View more from Michigan

Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.

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(516): View more from New York

i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

(913): View more from Kansas

Nobody is perfect

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations

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(518): View more from New York

i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday

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(301): View more from Maryland

He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell

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(678): View more from Georgia

I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.

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(614): View more from Ohio

And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?

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(770): View more from Georgia

I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Now have a vodka water and get your shit together

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.

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(818): View more from California

The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it

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(515): View more from Iowa

the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me

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(302): View more from Delaware

She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.

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(310): View more from California

My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.

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(512): View more from Texas

dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.

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(319): View more from Iowa

He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

(648): View more from

Since when is drunk an angle?

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(585): View more from New York

remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.

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(951): View more from California

His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format

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(954): View more from Florida

it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.

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(314): View more from Missouri

It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.

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(386): View more from Florida

being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

If i need to get strippers involved i will.

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(530): View more from California

You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

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(630): View more from Illinois

According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"

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(443): View more from Maryland

why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?

(410): View more from Maryland

haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background

(443): View more from Maryland

that only happened once.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(707): View more from California

She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now

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(248): View more from Michigan

He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of

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(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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(416): View more from Toronto

you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.

(478): View more from Georgia

Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

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(+86): View more from China

Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am

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(804): View more from Virginia

Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(847): View more from Illinois

cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.

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(209): View more from California

Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas

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(904): View more from Florida

to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.

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(970): View more from Colorado

At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name

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(858): View more from California

for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.

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(206): View more from Washington

We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.

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(727): View more from Florida

i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.

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(786): View more from Florida

If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up

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(513): View more from Ohio

Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.

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(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.

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(914): View more from New York

Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.

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(435): View more from Utah

i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.

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(913): View more from Kansas

He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.

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(847): View more from Illinois

And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.

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(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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(614): View more from Ohio

I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man

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(936): View more from Texas

the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"

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(845): View more from New York

im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina

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(303): View more from Colorado

If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(+43): View more from

After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed

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(847): View more from Illinois

i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

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(541): View more from Oregon

Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.

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(214): View more from Texas

So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.

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(469): View more from Texas

Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take

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(248): View more from Michigan

That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(406): View more from Montana

You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend

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(513): View more from Ohio

I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.

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(972): View more from Texas

I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you

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(708): View more from Illinois

I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.

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(404): View more from Georgia

YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!

(678): View more from Georgia

correction: escorted out

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(808): View more from Hawaii

you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..

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(517): View more from Michigan

I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face

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(270): View more from Kentucky

they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.

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(561): View more from Florida

I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate

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(360): View more from Washington

Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."

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(571): View more from Virginia

Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(516): View more from New York

Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads

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(623): View more from Arizona

just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.

(623): View more from Arizona

and by single i mean slutty

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila

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(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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(415): View more from California

he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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(716): View more from New York

He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping

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(650): View more from California

I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you

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(651): View more from Minnesota

That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.

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(914): View more from New York

My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person

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(845): View more from New York

you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"

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(641): View more from Iowa

We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.

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(805): View more from California

I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.

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(310): View more from California

Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.

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(616): View more from Michigan

You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.

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(443): View more from Maryland

we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice

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(228): View more from Mississippi

thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"

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(407): View more from Florida

HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN

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(512): View more from Texas

that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.

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(305): View more from Florida

We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well

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(479): View more from Arkansas

When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

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(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

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(317): View more from Indiana

you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...

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(310): View more from California

He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him

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(604): View more from British Columbia

He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.

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(989): View more from Michigan

It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

That's how you know you deserve to be a senior

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.

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(214): View more from Texas

No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

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(219): View more from Indiana

ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...

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(269): View more from Michigan

I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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(678): View more from Georgia

i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".

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(207): View more from Maine

Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.

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(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."

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(970): View more from Colorado

We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, its January.

(970): View more from Colorado

We're going to do the voices too.

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(443): View more from Maryland

the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.

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(443): View more from Maryland

where are you?

(240): View more from Maryland

Hypothermia

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(845): View more from New York

Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"

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(303): View more from Colorado

Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.

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(512): View more from Texas

Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay

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(772): View more from Florida

No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand

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(309): View more from Illinois

with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.

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(256): View more from Alabama

its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out

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(801): View more from Utah

I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

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(415): View more from California

You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...

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(770): View more from Georgia

How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden

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(860): View more from Connecticut

oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms

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(325): View more from Texas

Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.

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(916): View more from California

WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?

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(+61): View more from Australia

i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?

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(416): View more from Toronto

Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.

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(512): View more from Texas

You're like the curious george of whores

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(631): View more from New York

I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me

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(512): View more from Texas

$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.

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(786): View more from Florida

HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

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(631): View more from New York

At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey

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(989): View more from Michigan

I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.

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(248): View more from Michigan

guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.

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(913): View more from Kansas

They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend

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(937): View more from Ohio

Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"

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(239): View more from Florida

I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.

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(630): View more from Illinois

But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.

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(905): View more from Ontario

No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf

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(205): View more from Alabama

She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.

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(916): View more from California

You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

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(650): View more from California

She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine

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(757): View more from Virginia

The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar

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(917): View more from New York City

Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?

(651): View more from Minnesota

That's yours. We cut you off.

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(972): View more from Texas

he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

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(217): View more from Illinois

haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.

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(702): View more from Nevada

You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy

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(850): View more from Florida

Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.

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(206): View more from Washington

Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night

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(647): View more from Ontario

making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.

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(727): View more from Florida

there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.

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(586): View more from Michigan

from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

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(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

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(209): View more from California

you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...

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(678): View more from Georgia

Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

we already have meals planned for the weekend.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.

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(540): View more from Virginia

She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that

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(708): View more from Illinois

Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.

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(260): View more from Indiana

just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.

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(443): View more from Maryland

please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow

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(229): View more from Georgia

I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea

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(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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(713): View more from Texas

It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog

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(757): View more from Virginia

Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.

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(520): View more from Arizona

remember, YOU ARE A WINNER

(410): View more from Maryland

my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.

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(850): View more from Florida

The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?

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(703): View more from Virginia

got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon

(703): View more from Virginia

she was in a cheetah costume

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(206): View more from Washington

he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...

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(404): View more from Georgia

Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car

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(307): View more from Wyoming

If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

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(785): View more from Kansas

coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow

(1-785): View more from Kansas

why would you restrict a girl of that

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares

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(949): View more from California

he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"

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(214): View more from Texas

What do you think it is?

(615): View more from Tennessee

It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.

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(928): View more from Arizona

On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

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(301): View more from Maryland

My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology

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(314): View more from Missouri

great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously

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(904): View more from Florida

So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?

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(661): View more from California

Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.

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(753): View more from

He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.

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(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

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(609): View more from New Jersey

he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

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(941): View more from Florida

Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.

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(334): View more from Alabama

You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.

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(917): View more from New York City

You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?

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(602): View more from Arizona

I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.

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(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

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(305): View more from Florida

The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(352): View more from Florida

The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.

(1-352): View more from Florida

Oh God. You're going to jail

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE

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(818): View more from California

Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment

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(913): View more from Kansas

So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.

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(407): View more from Florida

I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"

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(415): View more from California

Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?

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(416): View more from Toronto

We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.

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(740): View more from Ohio

he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life

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(303): View more from Colorado

im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working

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(810): View more from Michigan

Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words

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(302): View more from Delaware

Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height

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(702): View more from Nevada

I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.

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(360): View more from Washington

you inspire me to be a worse person

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us

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(239): View more from Florida

Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.

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(207): View more from Maine

how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.

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(757): View more from Virginia

We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.

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(630): View more from Illinois

she could've warned me his penis was curved

(708): View more from Illinois

ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.

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(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

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(303): View more from Colorado

No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question

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(520): View more from Arizona

just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?

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(573): View more from Missouri

I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.

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(915): View more from Texas

and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it

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(443): View more from Maryland

THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.

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(858): View more from California

Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?

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(323): View more from California

Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me

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(917): View more from New York City

He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.

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(319): View more from Iowa

We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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(519): View more from Ontario

She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has

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(513): View more from Ohio

You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.

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(360): View more from Washington

Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.

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(620): View more from Kansas

He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.

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(801): View more from Utah

First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.

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(989): View more from Michigan

there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(786): View more from Florida

you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on

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(519): View more from Ontario

I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.

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(713): View more from Texas

The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.

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(207): View more from Maine

No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.

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(703): View more from Virginia

At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.

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(813): View more from Florida

thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not

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(778): View more from British Columbia

There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater

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