she sounds like chewbacca in bed
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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