Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
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This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
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