Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Loading more great texts...