Texts From Last Night · Ktricearonix's Favorites

Ktricearonix's Favorites Texts:

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck

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(949): View more from California

Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(214): View more from Texas

My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...

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(509): View more from Washington

Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Let's just rave with boners that last for hours

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(361): View more from Texas

I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

(1-361): View more from Texas

Ew! He's just a child!

(361): View more from Texas

AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

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(818): View more from California

Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."

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(562): View more from California

as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"

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(519): View more from Ontario

It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.

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(760): View more from California

I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.

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(512): View more from Texas

no drinking for a week

(1-512): View more from Texas

if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone

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(619): View more from California

Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday

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(501): View more from Arkansas

If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?

(1-574): View more from Indiana

Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.

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(905): View more from Ontario

he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Cats found the secret coke stash again

(519): View more from Ontario

They owe us $80.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.

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(618): View more from Illinois

And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper

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(714): View more from California

There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?

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(516): View more from New York

The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet

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(913): View more from Kansas

So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on

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(970): View more from Colorado

She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.

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(760): View more from California

They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure

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(815): View more from Illinois

We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

peace be with you.

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(941): View more from Florida

I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now

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(813): View more from Florida

Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina

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(805): View more from California

You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.

(1-805): View more from California

watch me

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Why didn't I see you last night!?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.

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(517): View more from Michigan

There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are

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(646): View more from New York

You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?

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(914): View more from New York

He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.

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(206): View more from Washington

Gong!

(1-253): View more from Washington

YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT

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(+61): View more from Australia

why is my forehead so bruised?

(1+61): View more from

i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?

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(205): View more from Alabama

I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina

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(310): View more from California

I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?

(810): View more from Michigan

shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you

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(360): View more from Washington

So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with

(509): View more from Washington

Isn't life beautiful?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like

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(519): View more from Ontario

yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?

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(810): View more from Michigan

Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.

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(727): View more from Florida

i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

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(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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(248): View more from Michigan

There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style

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(541): View more from Oregon

Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.

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(585): View more from New York

Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered

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(703): View more from Virginia

you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?

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(913): View more from Kansas

Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?

(1-913): View more from Kansas

I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.

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(785): View more from Kansas

She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.

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(772): View more from Florida

I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.

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(+49): View more from Germany

i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.

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(386): View more from Florida

I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.

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(630): View more from Illinois

So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

he should get drunk with us

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(423): View more from Tennessee

headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home

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(714): View more from California

He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick

(714): View more from California

Ive only called 5 times

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(+41): View more from Switzerland

I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples

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(804): View more from Virginia

NEVER shave your cleavage hair.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.

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(716): View more from New York

I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song

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(479): View more from Arkansas

If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.

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(585): View more from New York

you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.

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(310): View more from California

how was it?

(1-310): View more from California

he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers

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(406): View more from Montana

You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.

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(630): View more from Illinois

So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.

(319): View more from Iowa

You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.

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(607): View more from New York

It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.

(1+44): View more from

When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.

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(314): View more from Missouri

She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?

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(219): View more from Indiana

How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?

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(757): View more from Virginia

sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Dibsssss

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(260): View more from Indiana

After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Wheres my essay?

(415): View more from California

You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?

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(301): View more from Maryland

he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.

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(+52): View more from Mexico

she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.

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(914): View more from New York

we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.

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(469): View more from Texas

Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it

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(270): View more from Kentucky

he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.

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(706): View more from Georgia

we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.

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(914): View more from New York

i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"

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(214): View more from Texas

You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song

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(917): View more from New York City

She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic

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(714): View more from California

I need hand sanitizer and jesus.

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(850): View more from Florida

that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick

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(314): View more from Missouri

Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again

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(765): View more from Indiana

that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming

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(478): View more from Georgia

So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis

(410): View more from Maryland

Sounds like a really classy character....

(478): View more from Georgia

He is classy. It was argyle.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.

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(209): View more from California

Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"

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(206): View more from Washington

I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.

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(858): View more from California

my life trainwreck boards at 9:30

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(514): View more from Quebec

He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.

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(818): View more from California

i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.

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(917): View more from New York City

My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage

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(410): View more from Maryland

It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas

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(368): View more from

you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.

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(585): View more from New York

please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

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(206): View more from Washington

he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.

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(254): View more from Texas

I'M GETTING MARRIED!

(512): View more from Texas

YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!

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(801): View more from Utah

Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.

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(712): View more from Iowa

i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks

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(425): View more from Washington

i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"

(206): View more from Washington

do it. it's every man's dream.

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(315): View more from New York

So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision

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(214): View more from Texas

I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.

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(410): View more from Maryland

SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't text me with that hand

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(314): View more from Missouri

Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.

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(310): View more from California

Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.

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(561): View more from Florida

walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow

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(319): View more from Iowa

I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed

(425): View more from Washington

Yeah, that sounds like my life.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.

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(214): View more from Texas

Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.

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(443): View more from Maryland

If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think

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(+61): View more from Australia

We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision

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(757): View more from Virginia

you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.

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(916): View more from California

He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.

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(561): View more from Florida

u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring

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(757): View more from Virginia

almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background

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(813): View more from Florida

I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

my head hurts. i need an adult

(225): View more from Louisiana

and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult

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(425): View more from Washington

I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.

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(334): View more from Alabama

all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.

(504): View more from Louisiana

That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.

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(937): View more from Ohio

And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.

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(804): View more from Virginia

my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.

(1-804): View more from Virginia

I'm on my way.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.

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(801): View more from Utah

So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

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(585): View more from New York

you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish

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(609): View more from New Jersey

this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.

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(817): View more from Texas

I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

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(248): View more from Michigan

apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.

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(904): View more from Florida

He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.

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(281): View more from Texas

He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.

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(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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(586): View more from Michigan

you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up

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(734): View more from Michigan

Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.

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(406): View more from Montana

Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP

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(310): View more from California

I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.

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(516): View more from New York

sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?

(312): View more from Illinois

I get to be your mom.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

you can....by speaking....

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(305): View more from Florida

why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?

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(251): View more from Alabama

My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.

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(310): View more from California

Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.

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(775): View more from Nevada

If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.

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(650): View more from California

Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?

(301): View more from Maryland

Nowhere

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(803): View more from South Carolina

The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘

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(210): View more from Texas

I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...

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(432): View more from Texas

I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.

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(613): View more from Ontario

come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I left it in that guy's dorm room.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce

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(513): View more from Ohio

Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed

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(631): View more from New York

He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.

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(408): View more from California

She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...

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(443): View more from Maryland

i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.

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(917): View more from New York City

Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?

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(518): View more from New York

alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?

(1-518): View more from New York

dude. you drew those with your dick

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(817): View more from Texas

You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time

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(503): View more from Oregon

He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Marry him

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(602): View more from Arizona

I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.

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(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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(571): View more from Virginia

non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

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(+61): View more from Australia

i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..

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(631): View more from New York

yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?

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(574): View more from Indiana

all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.

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(714): View more from California

You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.

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(587): View more from Alberta

Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap

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(804): View more from Virginia

Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry

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(847): View more from Illinois

This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.

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(850): View more from Florida

His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.

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(801): View more from Utah

I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.

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(515): View more from Iowa

You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.

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(916): View more from California

He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

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(937): View more from Ohio

You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.

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(480): View more from Arizona

You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.

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(727): View more from Florida

It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....

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(941): View more from Florida

Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.

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(530): View more from California

She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential

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(801): View more from Utah

I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.

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(914): View more from New York

I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza

(917): View more from New York City

The hookers weren't a dream get tested

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(312): View more from Illinois

I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up

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(817): View more from Texas

Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.

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(210): View more from Texas

Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.

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(514): View more from Quebec

We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...

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(253): View more from Washington

We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

I like the way you think.

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(773): View more from Illinois

That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.

(804): View more from Virginia

It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days

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(502): View more from Kentucky

It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.

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(239): View more from Florida

We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk

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(416): View more from Toronto

The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.

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(618): View more from Illinois

An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.

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(707): View more from California

Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god

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(936): View more from Texas

If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.

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(925): View more from California

I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.

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(301): View more from Maryland

my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook

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(816): View more from Missouri

It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth

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(512): View more from Texas

If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...

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(845): View more from New York

I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.

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(206): View more from Washington

the night ended with taco bell and tears

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.

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(714): View more from California

Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.

(1-714): View more from California

If he was naked that was me.

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(618): View more from Illinois

We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket

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(949): View more from California

Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?

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(972): View more from Texas

honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?

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(941): View more from Florida

Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?

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(530): View more from California

On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.

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(916): View more from California

Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.

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(585): View more from New York

Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.

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(614): View more from Ohio

You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?

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(240): View more from Maryland

and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.

(747): View more from California

Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.

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(650): View more from California

she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

There's a dead frog in my kitchen?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.

(402): View more from Nebraska

The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"

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(225): View more from Louisiana

all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.

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(678): View more from Georgia

My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.

(419): View more from Ohio

I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera

(908): View more from New Jersey

She didnt have a camera...

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(207): View more from Maine

She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy

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(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?

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(708): View more from Illinois

this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick

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(480): View more from Arizona

We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.

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(972): View more from Texas

Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand

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(770): View more from Georgia

good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.

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(585): View more from New York

I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus

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(205): View more from Alabama

How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.

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(480): View more from Arizona

This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....

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(734): View more from Michigan

It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.

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(903): View more from Texas

Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?

(1-618): View more from Illinois

We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.

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(347): View more from New York

the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant

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(785): View more from Kansas

The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.

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(623): View more from Arizona

listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.

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(616): View more from Michigan

im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(714): View more from California

drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'

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(619): View more from California

went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.

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(217): View more from Illinois

My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You were right. It hurts to walk today.

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(408): View more from California

How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?

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(812): View more from Indiana

How did your new apartment party go last night?

(219): View more from Indiana

I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.

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(630): View more from Illinois

he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today

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(312): View more from Illinois

Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(806): View more from Texas

Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..

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(217): View more from Illinois

Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.

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(510): View more from California

Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.

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(207): View more from Maine

Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.

(812): View more from Indiana

Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.

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(207): View more from Maine

Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.

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(419): View more from Ohio

having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!

(410): View more from Maryland

dude. im stealing that.

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(442): View more from California

While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.

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(804): View more from Virginia

My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?

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(989): View more from Michigan

i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.

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(903): View more from Texas

This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.

(254): View more from Texas

Jealous?

(903): View more from Texas

Very.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.

(720): View more from Colorado

Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?

(303): View more from Colorado

my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are

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(509): View more from Washington

idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?

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(940): View more from Texas

My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!

(940): View more from Texas

HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.

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(602): View more from Arizona

You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.

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(323): View more from California

It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.

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(210): View more from Texas

My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.

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(646): View more from New York

HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.

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(628): View more from California

That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.

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(631): View more from New York

Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?

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(440): View more from Ohio

She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.

(216): View more from Ohio

Whoa, you know how to pick em.

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(323): View more from California

How did I end up in the pool?!

(480): View more from Arizona

Welcome to ASU

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(812): View more from Indiana

that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level

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(716): View more from New York

I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober

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(847): View more from Illinois

He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

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(613): View more from Ontario

just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.

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(903): View more from Texas

We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?

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(845): View more from New York

if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party

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(512): View more from Texas

Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group

(1-303): View more from Colorado

But you wear shame so well

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(310): View more from California

It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking

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(917): View more from New York City

He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.

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(206): View more from Washington

second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?

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(540): View more from Virginia

'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"

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(831): View more from California

I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

(732): View more from New Jersey

Career choice validated

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(850): View more from Florida

hungover and i feel like a burrito

(1-850): View more from Florida

like eating one or like you are one?

(850): View more from Florida

like i am one.

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(727): View more from Florida

pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well

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(515): View more from Iowa

officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

yeah you don't forget that shit easily

(651): View more from Minnesota

We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.

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(410): View more from Maryland

that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.

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(925): View more from California

We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy

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(805): View more from California

I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.

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(440): View more from Ohio

If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.

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(936): View more from Texas

My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(514): View more from Quebec

I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.

(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

They always sound like a bunch of chickens.

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(541): View more from Oregon

My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.

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(810): View more from Michigan

ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth

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(740): View more from Ohio

Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?

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(915): View more from Texas

In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth

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(720): View more from Colorado

i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!

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(808): View more from Hawaii

The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.

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(443): View more from Maryland

they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"

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(440): View more from Ohio

basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks

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(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...

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(620): View more from Kansas

Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.

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(254): View more from Texas

There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"

(308): View more from Nebraska

Stop drinking at work.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".

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(410): View more from Maryland

So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl

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(706): View more from Georgia

I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night

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(727): View more from Florida

It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.

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(786): View more from Florida

you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.

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(903): View more from Texas

So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.

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(817): View more from Texas

I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home

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(425): View more from Washington

It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.

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(727): View more from Florida

Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.

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(716): View more from New York

As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

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(949): View more from California

You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"

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(512): View more from Texas

he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"

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(969): View more from

I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%

(405): View more from Oklahoma

And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.

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(916): View more from California

Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.

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(650): View more from California

Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'

(860): View more from Connecticut

where do you find these guys?

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(209): View more from California

Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something

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(602): View more from Arizona

I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place

(402): View more from Nebraska

This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded

(402): View more from Nebraska

Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those were the highlights of my night.

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(519): View more from Ontario

It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.

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(415): View more from California

There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

(415): View more from California

No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

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(207): View more from Maine

There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.

(847): View more from Illinois

Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you

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(847): View more from Illinois

I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)

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(510): View more from California

I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard

(1-510): View more from California

Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

That's practically a relationship for you

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(313): View more from Michigan

Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.

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(415): View more from California

Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?

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(248): View more from Michigan

They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?

(501): View more from Arkansas

Go back and try to find another to go home with.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus

(1-317): View more from Indiana

tequila?

(317): View more from Indiana

yep

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(607): View more from New York

She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.

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(301): View more from Maryland

we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing

(1-301): View more from Maryland

that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome

(301): View more from Maryland

we agree. completely

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team

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(713): View more from Texas

if only i could text you this smell

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(248): View more from Michigan

how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this

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(949): View more from California

I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?

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(845): View more from New York

I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties

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(864): View more from South Carolina

turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It was pathetic and I was covered in butter

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...

(1+44): View more from

That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh

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(501): View more from Arkansas

There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...

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(217): View more from Illinois

Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?

(217): View more from Illinois

Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate

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(519): View more from Ontario

i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

Youre getting too old for this

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(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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(805): View more from California

I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave

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(416): View more from Toronto

you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.

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(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.

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(516): View more from New York

he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.

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(407): View more from Florida

All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I can't believe he cheated

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"

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(816): View more from Missouri

You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(870): View more from Arkansas

he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"

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(845): View more from New York

officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.

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(210): View more from Texas

Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.

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(914): View more from New York

He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Run away.

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(904): View more from Florida

I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...

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(708): View more from Illinois

is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro

(773): View more from Illinois

yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.

(708): View more from Illinois

how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?

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(425): View more from Washington

I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt

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(613): View more from Ontario

Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like

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(859): View more from Kentucky

just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....

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(917): View more from New York City

this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in

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(203): View more from Connecticut

are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

(203): View more from Connecticut

bc i get to see you. naked.

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(630): View more from Illinois

shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

you dont need a face to have sex

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(519): View more from Ontario

Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?

(289): View more from Ontario

You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.

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(206): View more from Washington

LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.

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(317): View more from Indiana

why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?

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(217): View more from Illinois

She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

You're welcome.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing

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(540): View more from Virginia

Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone

(1-540): View more from Virginia

I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her

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(858): View more from California

currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.

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(571): View more from Virginia

you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again

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(316): View more from Kansas

I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?

(316): View more from Kansas

pills.

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(217): View more from Illinois

He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..

(1-217): View more from Illinois

YOU would be the Freshman Expirence

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.

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(512): View more from Texas

her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"

(1-512): View more from Texas

you motherfucker

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(509): View more from Washington

Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...

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(512): View more from Texas

I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.

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(317): View more from Indiana

What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?

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(315): View more from New York

mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'

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(856): View more from New Jersey

There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?

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(703): View more from Virginia

To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.

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(619): View more from California

By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.

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(315): View more from New York

Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.

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(323): View more from California

Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets

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(775): View more from Nevada

Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."

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(909): View more from California

No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook

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(941): View more from Florida

Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?

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(614): View more from Ohio

she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...

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(802): View more from Vermont

just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!

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(330): View more from Ohio

cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.

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(712): View more from Iowa

The police scanner is talking about you again....

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(614): View more from Ohio

Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?

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(631): View more from New York

i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon

(1-631): View more from New York

been there done that

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(616): View more from Michigan

i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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(504): View more from Louisiana

insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week

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(419): View more from Ohio

Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...

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(613): View more from Ontario

The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.

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(660): View more from Missouri

It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?

(910): View more from North Carolina

That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?

(770): View more from Georgia

Touche.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.

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(812): View more from Indiana

They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Its gonna be a symphony of fucks

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.

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(301): View more from Maryland

OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.

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(540): View more from Virginia

please bring me a paper towel asap.

(540): View more from Virginia

I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.

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(562): View more from California

don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.

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(626): View more from California

Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.

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(616): View more from Michigan

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.

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(440): View more from Ohio

he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.

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(325): View more from Texas

When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.

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(516): View more from New York

And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.

(937): View more from Ohio

Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!

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(334): View more from Alabama

i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face

(1-334): View more from Alabama

so you're single again?

(334): View more from Alabama

yea but it was worth it

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window

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(212): View more from New York

Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.

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(205): View more from Alabama

This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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(804): View more from Virginia

What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.

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(765): View more from Indiana

What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?

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(555): View more from

After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.

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(408): View more from California

It's chlamydia! Thank God!

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.

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(775): View more from Nevada

all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.

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(713): View more from Texas

He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.

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(631): View more from New York

My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch

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(917): View more from New York City

I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.

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(847): View more from Illinois

If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it

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(562): View more from California

He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone

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(907): View more from Alaska

Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss

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(209): View more from California

Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Threesome in a minivan. New low

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone

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(203): View more from Connecticut

some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!

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(917): View more from New York City

Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here

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(740): View more from Ohio

you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god

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(415): View more from California

I have another pimple on my ass cheek.

(420): View more from

I'll be there in 10 minutes.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(858): View more from California

i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see

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(417): View more from Missouri

Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.

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(705): View more from Ontario

i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.

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(850): View more from Florida

my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.

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(425): View more from Washington

I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...

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(720): View more from Colorado

Ketchup is God's man juice

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(480): View more from Arizona

I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.

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(317): View more from Indiana

well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night

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(616): View more from Michigan

sometimes you have to go after what you want

(313): View more from Michigan

true. and i really want to cum

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you

(541): View more from Oregon

I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(703): View more from Virginia

the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

You tried to poop in the sink last night.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

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(785): View more from Kansas

it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..

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(229): View more from Georgia

He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.

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(386): View more from Florida

Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm

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(789): View more from

If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night

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(850): View more from Florida

i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.

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(949): View more from California

i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?

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(353): View more from

I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing

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(415): View more from California

Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling

(415): View more from California

God, I love San Francisco.

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(949): View more from California

I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup

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(732): View more from New Jersey

She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party

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(818): View more from California

You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.

(805): View more from California

Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT

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(207): View more from Maine

Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child

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(269): View more from Michigan

It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.

(1-269): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to decorate you...

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(775): View more from Nevada

She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever

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(818): View more from California

I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy

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(443): View more from Maryland

please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow

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(303): View more from Colorado

i have a dinosaur tramp stamp

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(404): View more from Georgia

it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men

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(504): View more from Louisiana

idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...

(1-504): View more from Louisiana

dude, i think you're in initiation!

(504): View more from Louisiana

shit. that's not good.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.

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(407): View more from Florida

Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?

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(256): View more from Alabama

I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I feel like everything in this room is sweating

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?

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(206): View more from Washington

put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties

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(815): View more from Illinois

Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?

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(513): View more from Ohio

you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.

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(310): View more from California

Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...

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(619): View more from California

Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.

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(646): View more from New York

congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism

(917): View more from New York City

cool. same. I'm in class drinking

(646): View more from New York

NOT OKAY

(917): View more from New York City

sorry for partying

(646): View more from New York

THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

this is not real life

(1-267): View more from Pennsylvania

it never is. after midnight never counts.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets

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(917): View more from New York City

He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(302): View more from Delaware

you goin out tonight?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

who is this.

(302): View more from Delaware

your orgasm for tonight

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.

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(816): View more from Missouri

It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.

(-1816): View more from

Probably is probably an understatement.

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(951): View more from California

My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.

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(703): View more from Virginia

All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids

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(503): View more from Oregon

Swine flu is the new snow day.

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(949): View more from California

you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.

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(213): View more from California

those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

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(419): View more from Ohio

so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.

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(310): View more from California

my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.

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(812): View more from Indiana

it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked

(1-812): View more from Indiana

tasteful.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.

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(214): View more from Texas

Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life

(501): View more from Arkansas

3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

the problem with open bar is i never know what to get

(781): View more from Massachusetts

did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Update, its a couple

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(828): View more from North Carolina

so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation

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(702): View more from Nevada

Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?

(1-702): View more from Nevada

You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.

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(757): View more from Virginia

You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Absence makes the cock grow harder.

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(914): View more from New York

She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

watch out for the queen of hearts

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

fuucck i forgot ab her

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore

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(360): View more from Washington

Im 95% ready to shit behind 711

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex

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(708): View more from Illinois

I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.

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(979): View more from Texas

Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.

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(207): View more from Maine

traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK

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(301): View more from Maryland

Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

they had a keg party to fund her abortion.

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(248): View more from Michigan

New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

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(305): View more from Florida

so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator

(954): View more from Florida

you didnt stop her?

(305): View more from Florida

too entertaining

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling

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(631): View more from New York

U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?

(248): View more from Michigan

ya, gonna go have sex there?

(631): View more from New York

No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home

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(914): View more from New York

You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.

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(516): View more from New York

id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though

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(703): View more from Virginia

the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.

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(720): View more from Colorado

If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.

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(770): View more from Georgia

The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.

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(720): View more from Colorado

we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.

(972): View more from Texas

I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.

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(785): View more from Kansas

She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.

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(772): View more from Florida

how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls

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(616): View more from Michigan

I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I know she was great

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(204): View more from Manitoba

My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.

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(937): View more from Ohio

It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar

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(719): View more from Colorado

Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room

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(443): View more from Maryland

His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

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(631): View more from New York

I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving

(706): View more from Georgia

Your blankets are not drunk friendly

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(556): View more from

Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard

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(757): View more from Virginia

shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas

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(251): View more from Alabama

I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.

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(559): View more from California

Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?

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(804): View more from Virginia

They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.

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(647): View more from Ontario

They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.

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(760): View more from California

she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.

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(646): View more from New York

My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.

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(727): View more from Florida

His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar

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(512): View more from Texas

I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.

(1-512): View more from Texas

Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I stuck it in and pulled it out

(1-678): View more from Georgia

Did she like it?

(678): View more from Georgia

She giggled?

(1-678): View more from Georgia

She liked it

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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(830): View more from Texas

I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.

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(917): View more from New York City

The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.

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(713): View more from Texas

screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.

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(817): View more from Texas

Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!

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(913): View more from Kansas

Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.

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(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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(219): View more from Indiana

i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her

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(516): View more from New York

drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Now it won't go down.

(512): View more from Texas

You've got a gift.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.

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(519): View more from Ontario

If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(225): View more from Louisiana

things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.

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(630): View more from Illinois

there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'

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(614): View more from Ohio

can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

(740): View more from Ohio

bitches.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.

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(727): View more from Florida

and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.

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(765): View more from Indiana

i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring

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(248): View more from Michigan

i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Pregnant stripper...not hot.

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(706): View more from Georgia

he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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(734): View more from Michigan

just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(803): View more from South Carolina

If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat

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(618): View more from Illinois

So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

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(407): View more from Florida

do you ever just like the smell of your farts?

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(847): View more from Illinois

hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??

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(207): View more from Maine

There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big

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(310): View more from California

based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?

(505): View more from New Mexico

The responsible thing...show them the break room.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?

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(253): View more from Washington

I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.

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(313): View more from Michigan

There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding

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(605): View more from South Dakota

So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?

(720): View more from Colorado

This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.

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(585): View more from New York

Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???

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(906): View more from Michigan

Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(740): View more from Ohio

so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could

(216): View more from Ohio

did she say where she was going

(740): View more from Ohio

apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars

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(613): View more from Ontario

somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle

(612): View more from Minnesota

safety first

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.

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(315): View more from New York

Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking

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(254): View more from Texas

I am coming home for anal

(254): View more from Texas

* a nap*

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

Your godly.

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(607): View more from New York

people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

wow.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah, it was that bad.

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(352): View more from Florida

She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.

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(360): View more from Washington

DIN'T JUSGE NE.

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(301): View more from Maryland

he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner

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(248): View more from Michigan

you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits

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(518): View more from New York

Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(316): View more from Kansas

You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.

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(954): View more from Florida

The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now

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(917): View more from New York City

They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.

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(207): View more from Maine

He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I haven't been this sober since birth.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.

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(817): View more from Texas

he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend

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(804): View more from Virginia

she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.

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(816): View more from Missouri

he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

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(+82): View more from South Korea

You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night

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(239): View more from Florida

While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".

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(903): View more from Texas

Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I find this completely acceptable.

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(631): View more from New York

there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.

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(206): View more from Washington

Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.

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(314): View more from Missouri

just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.

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(516): View more from New York

She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I hate that ur telling me this.

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(713): View more from Texas

I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...

(404): View more from Georgia

I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.

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(315): View more from New York

I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you

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(716): View more from New York

I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?

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(805): View more from California

An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine

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(079): View more from

I think we need to take a brake

(078): View more from

What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.

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(408): View more from California

No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.

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(760): View more from California

I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.

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(619): View more from California

Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet

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(770): View more from Georgia

He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?

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(409): View more from Texas

Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?

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(519): View more from Ontario

sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.

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(415): View more from California

I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.

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(509): View more from Washington

And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid

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(979): View more from Texas

I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.

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(802): View more from Vermont

He's yummy.

(613): View more from Ontario

HE'S GAY. AND 40.

(802): View more from Vermont

Irrelevant.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.

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(206): View more from Washington

I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult

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(708): View more from Illinois

Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on

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(619): View more from California

Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently

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(818): View more from California

She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack

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(510): View more from California

she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong

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(206): View more from Washington

Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?

(206): View more from Washington

Adult decisions.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.

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(713): View more from Texas

He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...

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(334): View more from Alabama

My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.

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(229): View more from Georgia

No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.

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(510): View more from California

It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.

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(212): View more from New York

Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off

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(951): View more from California

My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect

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(61): View more from Australia

I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could

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(360): View more from Washington

It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Breakfast tacos?

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS

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(636): View more from Missouri

Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight

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(269): View more from Michigan

All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.

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(206): View more from Washington

Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.

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(360): View more from Washington

Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck

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(813): View more from Florida

that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.

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(907): View more from Alaska

On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face

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(614): View more from Ohio

she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.

(614): View more from Ohio

I was always good at matching as a child.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.

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(914): View more from New York

I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%

(1-914): View more from New York

He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal

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(303): View more from Colorado

do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?

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(917): View more from New York City

Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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(310): View more from California

The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.

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(210): View more from Texas

If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.

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(614): View more from Ohio

would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars

(1-252): View more from North Carolina

I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(417): View more from Missouri

My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.

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(708): View more from Illinois

You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.

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(770): View more from Georgia

if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?

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(302): View more from Delaware

some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period

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(207): View more from Maine

Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway

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(801): View more from Utah

so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden

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(203): View more from Connecticut

omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?

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(310): View more from California

im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.

(518): View more from New York

I am in love with you.

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(801): View more from Utah

He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.

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(631): View more from New York

meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.

(516): View more from New York

wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!

(631): View more from New York

aww shit wrong text.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

you better fuck at least one or both of them.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he told me I talked like a deaf person

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends

(704): View more from North Carolina

Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.

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(319): View more from Iowa

just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?

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(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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(360): View more from Washington

You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.

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(519): View more from Ontario

she's naming her girl london marie

(519): View more from Ontario

that kid will be born with a tramp stamp

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(425): View more from Washington

i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.

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(248): View more from Michigan

the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness

(1-248): View more from Michigan

don't cry, we can learn from her

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday

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(510): View more from California

Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"

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(662): View more from Mississippi

We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.

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(585): View more from New York

if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.

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(251): View more from Alabama

He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.

(1-251): View more from Alabama

Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol

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(903): View more from Texas

Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now

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(612): View more from Minnesota

She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fear?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

FEAR.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.

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(219): View more from Indiana

They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college

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(404): View more from Georgia

This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend

(917): View more from New York City

Yeah but those French chicks did get naked

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(940): View more from Texas

Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

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(936): View more from Texas

I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this

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(239): View more from Florida

im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester

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(615): View more from Tennessee

In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

it is a toga and you are a goddess.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...

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(214): View more from Texas

He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.

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(904): View more from Florida

he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.

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(315): View more from New York

i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV

(802): View more from Vermont

you're the only one i would trust to do that

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"

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(440): View more from Ohio

uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober

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(559): View more from California

Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.

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(727): View more from Florida

Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.

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(760): View more from California

Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm there.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...

(434): View more from Virginia

I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.

(254): View more from Texas

He's majoring in Religion

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(303): View more from Colorado

My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.

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(406): View more from Montana

Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain

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(571): View more from Virginia

FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.

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(916): View more from California

In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

(1-916): View more from California

Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"

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(440): View more from Ohio

Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.

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(434): View more from Virginia

some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(805): View more from California

You are such a cockblock sometimes

(661): View more from California

You NEED a cockblock sometimes

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(647): View more from Ontario

A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".

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(517): View more from Michigan

We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.

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(301): View more from Maryland

A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.

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(205): View more from Alabama

They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now

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(438): View more from Quebec

Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it

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(607): View more from New York

she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet

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(505): View more from New Mexico

TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

This is going everywhere on the internet.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend

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(619): View more from California

Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.

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(515): View more from Iowa

i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.

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(713): View more from Texas

Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.

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(707): View more from California

there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(217): View more from Illinois

So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.

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(248): View more from Michigan

The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children

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(850): View more from Florida

They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.

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(585): View more from New York

He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.

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(503): View more from Oregon

So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.

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(512): View more from Texas

Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus

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(540): View more from Virginia

About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"

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(443): View more from Maryland

The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

there not mine if that helps

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(845): View more from New York

No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back

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(972): View more from Texas

Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick

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(619): View more from California

i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door

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(205): View more from Alabama

Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.

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(559): View more from California

there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.

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(513): View more from Ohio

4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?

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(850): View more from Florida

Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic

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(315): View more from New York

He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"

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(713): View more from Texas

His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.

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(415): View more from California

You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.

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(585): View more from New York

lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time

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(440): View more from Ohio

we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.

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(678): View more from Georgia

My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU

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(772): View more from Florida

At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?

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(845): View more from New York

The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy

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(316): View more from Kansas

i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes

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(905): View more from Ontario

oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...

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(234): View more from Ohio

omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic

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(440): View more from Ohio

We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude she let me cum on her face

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning

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(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.

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(727): View more from Florida

i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.

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(343): View more from Ontario

His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted

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(480): View more from Arizona

My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Do I even want to know?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.

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(805): View more from California

I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril

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(863): View more from Florida

if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell

(720): View more from Colorado

That's the classiest thing you've ever said.

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(941): View more from Florida

He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"

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(443): View more from Maryland

why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?

(410): View more from Maryland

haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background

(443): View more from Maryland

that only happened once.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.

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(903): View more from Texas

The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.

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(773): View more from Illinois

At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.

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(440): View more from Ohio

oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.

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(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

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(419): View more from Ohio

then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"

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(951): View more from California

I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

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(626): View more from California

he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??

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(616): View more from Michigan

Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just spent $27 on things to pee on.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro

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(816): View more from Missouri

If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand

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(231): View more from Michigan

You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.

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(812): View more from Indiana

well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"

(612): View more from Minnesota

Drunk you is pretty stunner.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?

(651): View more from Minnesota

That's yours. We cut you off.

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(646): View more from New York

He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone

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(813): View more from Florida

yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing

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(917): View more from New York City

you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile

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(216): View more from Ohio

There were penises being pulled out everywhere.

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(315): View more from New York

The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.

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(469): View more from Texas

She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.

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(754): View more from Florida

I feel like the other woman.

(954): View more from Florida

You ARE the other woman.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Your mouth is God's brothel.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.

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(509): View more from Washington

She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

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(903): View more from Texas

I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.

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(440): View more from Ohio

It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"

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(845): View more from New York

i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now

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(480): View more from Arizona

i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone

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(443): View more from Maryland

Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.

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(585): View more from New York

WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.

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(714): View more from California

My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

nothing about this is right.

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(248): View more from Michigan

brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?

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(410): View more from Maryland

You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(510): View more from California

You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.

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(708): View more from Illinois

BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.

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(706): View more from Georgia

We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.

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(425): View more from Washington

If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.

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(818): View more from California

I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.

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(317): View more from Indiana

So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?

(1-317): View more from Indiana

Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...

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(240): View more from Maryland

Banned from zoo.

(301): View more from Maryland

Again?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.

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(650): View more from California

Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished

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(270): View more from Kentucky

My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

One less school supply you need to buy!!

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

myspace Music?

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(619): View more from California

I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags

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(517): View more from Michigan

But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.

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(434): View more from Virginia

It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.

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(415): View more from California

dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint

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(903): View more from Texas

She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.

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(440): View more from Ohio

omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had

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(816): View more from Missouri

I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical

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(323): View more from California

Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me

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(912): View more from Georgia

I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

(973): View more from New Jersey

What's this douchebags name?

(908): View more from New Jersey

Rob...

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(630): View more from Illinois

the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.

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(404): View more from Georgia

FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

(1-404): View more from Georgia

haha good one..how did you even know?

(404): View more from Georgia

we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

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(904): View more from Florida

This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.

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(817): View more from Texas

I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death

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(732): View more from New Jersey

mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign

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(859): View more from Kentucky

He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?

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(585): View more from New York

I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine

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(206): View more from Washington

Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Goodnight sugar queer

(480): View more from Arizona

Sugar queer??

(602): View more from Arizona

Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,

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(417): View more from Missouri

You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.

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(443): View more from Maryland

He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.

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(936): View more from Texas

the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"

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(404): View more from Georgia

to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy

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(416): View more from Toronto

i flashed his best friends last night

(1-416): View more from Toronto

you always were good at making good first impressions

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me

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(862): View more from New Jersey

She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone

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(970): View more from Colorado

I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.

(970): View more from Colorado

I am going to be fat forever.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.

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(626): View more from California

I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner

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(734): View more from Michigan

Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.

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(360): View more from Washington

it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing

(206): View more from Washington

and semen

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Blow your rape whistle

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.

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(907): View more from Alaska

i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....

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(407): View more from Florida

Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

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(334): View more from Alabama

I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.

(205): View more from Alabama

Win!

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

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(417): View more from Missouri

I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did mom hear me barking???

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

sooo high. sooo many dog friends

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(315): View more from New York

idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(415): View more from California

I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with

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(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(301): View more from Maryland

the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.

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(619): View more from California

He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.

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(519): View more from Ontario

we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"

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(865): View more from Tennessee

And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.

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(561): View more from Florida

Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring

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(818): View more from California

I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.

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(+41): View more from Switzerland

my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED

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(303): View more from Colorado

Why is there bacon braided in my hair

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

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(916): View more from California

you want your laptop back?

(1-916): View more from California

are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?

(916): View more from California

both.

(1-916): View more from California

come over.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.

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(469): View more from Texas

I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!

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(312): View more from Illinois

My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.

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(961): View more from

I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit

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(916): View more from California

and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse

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(812): View more from Indiana

Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?

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(419): View more from Ohio

you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you

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(816): View more from Missouri

I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

At least I've made one childhood dream come true

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(760): View more from California

Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?

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(+03): View more from

Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college

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(720): View more from Colorado

have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?

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(616): View more from Michigan

Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america

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(206): View more from Washington

She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.

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(415): View more from California

Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.

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(707): View more from California

I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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(631): View more from New York

you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.

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(949): View more from California

She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks

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(313): View more from Michigan

well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".

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(972): View more from Texas

I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.

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(940): View more from Texas

Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.

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(408): View more from California

How was your sisters wedding?

(1-408): View more from California

Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.

(408): View more from California

sisterhood ftl.

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(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm in love

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(805): View more from California

It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"

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(949): View more from California

I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.

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(313): View more from Michigan

i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

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(847): View more from Illinois

2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

I feel like half our conversations start this way.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had

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(808): View more from Hawaii

dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

lock that shit down

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(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it

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(407): View more from Florida

It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you

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(727): View more from Florida

she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?

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(210): View more from Texas

I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too

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(514): View more from Quebec

His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.

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(845): View more from New York

I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper

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(708): View more from Illinois

She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid

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(248): View more from Michigan

She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning

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(509): View more from Washington

I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM

(909): View more from California

I'm scared to ask why.....

(509): View more from Washington

1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.

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(585): View more from New York

She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.

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(914): View more from New York

Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.

(360): View more from Washington

im coming over.

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(214): View more from Texas

does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??

(817): View more from Texas

dude, everything can mix, this is college.

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(618): View more from Illinois

Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just stepped in cum. i hate you.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Thats what happens when you don't swallow.

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(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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(714): View more from California

Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.

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(360): View more from Washington

We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.

(1-360): View more from Washington

I absolutely love you.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.

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(914): View more from New York

My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.

(845): View more from New York

She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?

(914): View more from New York

well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey

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(914): View more from New York

you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

that's awkward

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there

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(416): View more from Toronto

The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.

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(226): View more from Ontario

can you blame him?

(519): View more from Ontario

i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT

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(859): View more from Kentucky

MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.

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(330): View more from Ohio

literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.

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(734): View more from Michigan

swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

I don't want it.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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(830): View more from Texas

Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.

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(514): View more from Quebec

she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up

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(50): View more from

I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.

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(254): View more from Texas

You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.

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(914): View more from New York

Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO

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(913): View more from Kansas

I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim

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(605): View more from South Dakota

She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home

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(970): View more from Colorado

Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer

(919): View more from North Carolina

Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can

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(313): View more from Michigan

He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.

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(903): View more from Texas

Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.

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(562): View more from California

I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.

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(352): View more from Florida

I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND

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(325): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food

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(518): View more from New York

we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.

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(416): View more from Ontario

today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.

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(302): View more from Delaware

She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.

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(314): View more from Missouri

don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.

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(614): View more from Ohio

i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...

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(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.

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(416): View more from Ontario

He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.

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(646): View more from New York

Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I feel like death. Did you die last night?

(305): View more from Florida

Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!

(859): View more from Kentucky

unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be

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(206): View more from Washington

he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...

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(407): View more from Florida

It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.

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(386): View more from Florida

That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.

(954): View more from Florida

Apparently hers is a theme park.

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(514): View more from Quebec

i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving

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(303): View more from Colorado

this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.

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(260): View more from Indiana

i just snorted my name. best moment ever

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(440): View more from Ohio

Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.

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(812): View more from Indiana

she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.

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(206): View more from Washington

A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

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(858): View more from California

Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(352): View more from Florida

I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".

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(404): View more from Georgia

His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me

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(440): View more from Ohio

Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?

(1-905): View more from Toronto

i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes

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(440): View more from Ohio

well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning

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(204): View more from Manitoba

She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous

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(619): View more from California

Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.

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(240): View more from Maryland

ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.

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(360): View more from Washington

Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.

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(216): View more from Ohio

She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?

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(407): View more from Florida

so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?

(760): View more from California

You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?

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(516): View more from New York

Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice

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(216): View more from Ohio

he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out

(513): View more from Ohio

so is it as big as he says?

(216): View more from Ohio

he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit

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(925): View more from California

just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.

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(208): View more from Idaho

the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night

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(916): View more from California

I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.

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(313): View more from Michigan

i jhust puked up my retainher.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog

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(512): View more from Texas

its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love

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(417): View more from Missouri

we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!

(806): View more from Texas

wasnt one 13?

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(720): View more from Colorado

Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.

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(571): View more from Virginia

final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.

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(360): View more from Washington

i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical

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(778): View more from British Columbia

She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable

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(775): View more from Nevada

he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.

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(309): View more from Illinois

He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.

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(205): View more from Alabama

i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP

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(779): View more from Illinois

We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..

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(+61): View more from Australia

can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Whatever you gave me is making me lactate

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(407): View more from Florida

Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?

(912): View more from Georgia

Home?

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(706): View more from Georgia

Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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(512): View more from Texas

when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.

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(561): View more from Florida

Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(941): View more from Florida

Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk

(813): View more from Florida

Crosswalk actually

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(225): View more from Louisiana

we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table

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(845): View more from New York

This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.

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(281): View more from Texas

I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.

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(509): View more from Washington

you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin

(509): View more from Washington

and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"

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(757): View more from Virginia

DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.

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(845): View more from New York

just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

(541): View more from Oregon

Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.

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(251): View more from Alabama

He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.

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(614): View more from Ohio

i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.

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(206): View more from Washington

My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.

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(925): View more from California

it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b

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(732): View more from New Jersey

like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?

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(949): View more from California

... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs

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(714): View more from California

She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.

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(512): View more from Texas

Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(

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(417): View more from Missouri

How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat

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(705): View more from Ontario

I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?

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(815): View more from Illinois

Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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(937): View more from Ohio

she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.

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(406): View more from Montana

she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.

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(845): View more from New York

im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT

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(858): View more from California

There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.

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(480): View more from Arizona

so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?

(812): View more from Indiana

You're dead to me.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(404): View more from Georgia

she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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(240): View more from Maryland

this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(248): View more from Michigan

Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(206): View more from Washington

genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer

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(314): View more from Missouri

He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.

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(815): View more from Illinois

We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...

(847): View more from Illinois

And they lived happily ever after....

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(315): View more from New York

The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.

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(214): View more from Texas

don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"

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(409): View more from Texas

We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

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(773): View more from Illinois

My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

didn't stop?

(773): View more from Illinois

naw, they were rude, not me.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.

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(513): View more from Ohio

why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(845): View more from New York

he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.

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(815): View more from Illinois

my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis

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(602): View more from Arizona

but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move

(617): View more from Massachusetts

that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame

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(410): View more from Maryland

I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old

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(520): View more from Arizona

There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".

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(636): View more from Missouri

I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.

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(407): View more from Florida

Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.

(808): View more from Hawaii

oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to

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(208): View more from Idaho

This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?

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(206): View more from Washington

What should I wear?

(808): View more from Hawaii

Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar

(206): View more from Washington

I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."

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(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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(303): View more from Colorado

They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye

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(251): View more from Alabama

I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.

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(330): View more from Ohio

French fry pizza

(502): View more from Kentucky

Are you brilliant or just really high?

(330): View more from Ohio

Can't it be both?

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(480): View more from Arizona

honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.

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(949): View more from California

He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night

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(705): View more from Ontario

never. drinking. again.

(1-705): View more from Ontario

lets not get ahead of ourselves.

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(302): View more from Delaware

He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

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(775): View more from Nevada

Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.

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(586): View more from Michigan

we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.

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(913): View more from Kansas

The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.

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(925): View more from California

I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands

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(708): View more from Illinois

he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.

(1-708): View more from Illinois

ahaha ok

(708): View more from Illinois

let's call it "werewolfing"

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(585): View more from New York

In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers

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(914): View more from New York

The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I don't understand but I'll be there in 5

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(816): View more from Missouri

She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum

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(216): View more from Ohio

Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?

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(714): View more from California

The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you

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(509): View more from Washington

Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.

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(817): View more from Texas

We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.

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(319): View more from Iowa

i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself

(612): View more from Minnesota

It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other

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(334): View more from Alabama

Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?

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(217): View more from Illinois

I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"

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(818): View more from California

I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire

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(360): View more from Washington

i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge

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(770): View more from Georgia

Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us

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(210): View more from Texas

Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.

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(303): View more from Colorado

high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.

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(816): View more from Missouri

and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours

(816): View more from Missouri

outstanding.

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(734): View more from Michigan

turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness

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(517): View more from Michigan

i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog

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(480): View more from Arizona

I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her

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(214): View more from Texas

Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?

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(707): View more from California

I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week

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(913): View more from Kansas

You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting

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(864): View more from South Carolina

her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes

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(315): View more from New York

if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!

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(516): View more from New York

i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.

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(559): View more from California

With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back

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(260): View more from Indiana

Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

(661): View more from California

Truer words have never been spoken.

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(818): View more from California

I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape

(310): View more from California

wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?

(818): View more from California

why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES

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(619): View more from California

Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.

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(305): View more from Florida

And the cops told us we were all naked.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.

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(408): View more from California

who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am

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(845): View more from New York

Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me

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(773): View more from Illinois

They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck

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(757): View more from Virginia

broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo

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(207): View more from Maine

And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.

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(845): View more from New York

I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.

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(718): View more from New York

I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

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(530): View more from California

so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro

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(240): View more from Maryland

It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker

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(517): View more from Michigan

If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself

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(765): View more from Indiana

Why are you ignoring all of my texts?

(1-765): View more from Indiana

The power was out.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.

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(440): View more from Ohio

he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.

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(812): View more from Indiana

The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.

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(+43): View more from

After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened

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(631): View more from New York

I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...

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(513): View more from Ohio

He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?

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(619): View more from California

Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night

(323): View more from California

How mad was your dog?

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(940): View more from Texas

shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won

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(408): View more from California

i fucked her mom dude

(1-408): View more from California

there's something to tell the kids

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(256): View more from Alabama

he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.

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(913): View more from Kansas

the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.

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(815): View more from Illinois

My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.

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(206): View more from Washington

Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.

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(903): View more from Texas

Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?

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(713): View more from Texas

On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.

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(440): View more from Ohio

She swung at the pinata with crutches

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(530): View more from California

I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot

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(713): View more from Texas

Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(954): View more from Florida

I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets

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(734): View more from Michigan

he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'

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(313): View more from Michigan

My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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(315): View more from New York

Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot

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(301): View more from Maryland

Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.

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(316): View more from Kansas

So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses

(1-316): View more from Kansas

That sounds dangerous

(316): View more from Kansas

Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

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(408): View more from California

she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later

(410): View more from Maryland

I knew I liked you

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless

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(816): View more from Missouri

If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.

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(510): View more from California

Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"

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(307): View more from Wyoming

How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?

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(713): View more from Texas

As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..

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(313): View more from Michigan

I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'

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(334): View more from Alabama

I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.

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(734): View more from Michigan

the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.

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(317): View more from Indiana

She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here

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(805): View more from California

you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible

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(907): View more from Alaska

She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."

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(502): View more from Kentucky

so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done

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(313): View more from Michigan

Whod you bang

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(845): View more from New York

At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me

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(503): View more from Oregon

One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

(503): View more from Oregon

By 8 I mean 9.

(503): View more from Oregon

And by 9 I mean 10.

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(518): View more from New York

Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...

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(770): View more from Georgia

Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying

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(404): View more from Georgia

You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up

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(305): View more from Florida

Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.

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(618): View more from Illinois

So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye

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(970): View more from Colorado

Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single

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(917): View more from New York City

Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.

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(509): View more from Washington

Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here

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(517): View more from Michigan

I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.

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(716): View more from New York

He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again

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(732): View more from New Jersey

why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?

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(806): View more from Texas

He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.

(1-806): View more from Texas

I feel like you never had a virginity..

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(630): View more from Illinois

I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple

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(678): View more from Georgia

We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.

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(416): View more from Toronto

WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.

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(310): View more from California

Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.

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(214): View more from Texas

I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

People still let you watch their kids?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.

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(801): View more from Utah

The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance

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(512): View more from Texas

just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.

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(239): View more from Florida

so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again

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(360): View more from Washington

Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

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(518): View more from New York

his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark

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(917): View more from New York City

i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere

(1-917): View more from New York City

no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..

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(415): View more from California

And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.

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(516): View more from New York

Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.

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(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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(310): View more from California

it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.

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(530): View more from California

My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.

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(917): View more from New York City

i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.

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(563): View more from Iowa

please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.

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(734): View more from Michigan

The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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(315): View more from New York

Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?

(1-302): View more from Delaware

That's okay, it's all protein anyway.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there

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(931): View more from Tennessee

everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?

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(773): View more from Illinois

NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.

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(626): View more from California

He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.

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(210): View more from Texas

She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds

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(720): View more from Colorado

yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.

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(310): View more from California

Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.

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(516): View more from New York

Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar

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(720): View more from Colorado

July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on

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(708): View more from Illinois

You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle

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(909): View more from California

Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.

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(303): View more from Colorado

No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.

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(607): View more from New York

I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.

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(210): View more from Texas

I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker

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(860): View more from Connecticut

nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg

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(+61): View more from Australia

He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.

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(248): View more from Michigan

thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm

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(970): View more from Colorado

just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?

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(650): View more from California

So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back

(971): View more from Oregon

You should go to counseling for that

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(248): View more from Michigan

On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"

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(845): View more from New York

There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.

(845): View more from New York

Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.

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(530): View more from California

When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.

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(623): View more from Arizona

its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know

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(301): View more from Maryland

no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.

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(512): View more from Texas

we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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(716): View more from New York

I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?

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(519): View more from Ontario

i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.

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(425): View more from Washington

Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...

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(712): View more from Iowa

she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god

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(516): View more from New York

drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me

(516): View more from New York

he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The key to alley sex is drunkeness.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.

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(714): View more from California

The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.

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(916): View more from California

let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.

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(406): View more from Montana

There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!

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(850): View more from Florida

....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP

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(817): View more from Texas

Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(319): View more from Iowa

Sponge bath it is.

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(630): View more from Illinois

slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed

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(917): View more from New York City

Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS

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(859): View more from Kentucky

thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off

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(810): View more from Michigan

This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.

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(650): View more from California

She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe

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(602): View more from Arizona

i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...

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(310): View more from California

Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after

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