We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Loading more great texts...