He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Loading more great texts...