I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
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