do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
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he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
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