Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
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