FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
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