Texts From Last Night

surforgolf's Favorites Texts:

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  (510): View more from California

  note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.

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  (510): note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast. http://tfl.nu/6g44
  Replies (4) Good night (2118) Bad night (774) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...

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  (+44): i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now... http://tfl.nu/kqc9
  Replies (12) Good night (4831) Bad night (609) Order T-Shirt
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning

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  (856): Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning http://tfl.nu/91gn
  Replies (6) Good night (1880) Bad night (750) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3

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  (813): So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3 http://tfl.nu/7or4
  Replies (4) Good night (4224) Bad night (796) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while

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  (317): She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while http://tfl.nu/u1c9
  Replies (21) Good night (4886) Bad night (628) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis

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  (720): the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis http://tfl.nu/41ot
  Replies (14) Good night (4954) Bad night (1359)
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  (585): View more from New York

  any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

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  (585): any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later? http://tfl.nu/w8i3
  Replies (16) Good night (5501) Bad night (690) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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  (512): Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her. http://tfl.nu/6ypm
  Replies (48) Good night (16509) Bad night (712)
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.

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  (480): From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him. http://tfl.nu/9mdh
  Replies (23) Good night (5659) Bad night (990) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.

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  (413): she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her. http://tfl.nu/r8ko
  Replies (26) Good night (6836) Bad night (566) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka

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  (617): They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka http://tfl.nu/47bx
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'

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  (732): His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.' http://tfl.nu/onxp
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.

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  (215): I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done. (1-215): I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together. http://tfl.nu/q0m2
  Replies (19) Good night (4483) Bad night (668)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary

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  (360): Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary http://tfl.nu/g62g
  Replies (14) Good night (2338) Bad night (3748) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

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  (970): Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month. http://tfl.nu/7dyi
  Replies (29) Good night (13952) Bad night (693)
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  (559): View more from California

  I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?

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  (559): I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day? http://tfl.nu/b9nt
  Replies (180) Good night (20246) Bad night (2385) Order T-Shirt
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  (915): View more from Texas

  so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me

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  (915): so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on (1-915): who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me http://tfl.nu/h8za
  Replies (49) Good night (590) Bad night (14437)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

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  (815): I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport http://tfl.nu/v33c
  Replies (21) Good night (9586) Bad night (650)
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.

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  (605): Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy. http://tfl.nu/ugyo
  Replies (3) Good night (3022) Bad night (883)
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.

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  (267): Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn. http://tfl.nu/zs8h
  Replies (2) Good night (4454) Bad night (651) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...

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  (517): I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall... http://tfl.nu/myki
  Replies (18) Good night (9360) Bad night (1805) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?

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  (636): hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls? http://tfl.nu/dqbw
  Replies (17) Good night (4751) Bad night (670) Order T-Shirt
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  (+79): View more from

  Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight

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  (+79): Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight http://tfl.nu/p28c
  Replies (18) Good night (4512) Bad night (1146) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week

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  (901): I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week http://tfl.nu/o67r
  Replies (2) Good night (3246) Bad night (584) Order T-Shirt
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence

  (415): View more from California

  shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.

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  (231): I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence (415): shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy. http://tfl.nu/3ya6
  Replies (12) Good night (8006) Bad night (620)
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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  (859): did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring http://tfl.nu/dlju
  Replies (24) Good night (11821) Bad night (1172) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts

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  (404): She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts http://tfl.nu/e8f4
  Replies (11) Good night (3473) Bad night (675) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.

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  (516): she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag". (917): I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag. http://tfl.nu/7xie
  Replies (57) Good night (1017) Bad night (10903)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.

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  (609): my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway. http://tfl.nu/j8p7
  Replies (28) Good night (1069) Bad night (9307) Order T-Shirt
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  (213): View more from California

  just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week

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  (213): just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week http://tfl.nu/o3oo
  Replies (14) Good night (720) Bad night (3747) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency

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  (253): These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency http://tfl.nu/qlw6
  Replies (18) Good night (2615) Bad night (877) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.

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  (860): I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday. http://tfl.nu/lawx
  Replies (14) Good night (2789) Bad night (760) Order T-Shirt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.

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  (571): I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet. http://tfl.nu/230n
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.

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  (252): just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far. http://tfl.nu/f1u5
  Replies (20) Good night (3861) Bad night (559) Order T-Shirt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood

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  (440): I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood http://tfl.nu/gvot
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.

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  (775): I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means. http://tfl.nu/woys
  Replies (9) Good night (3524) Bad night (642)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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  (732): I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen http://tfl.nu/5vux
  Replies (25) Good night (2080) Bad night (10548) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.

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  (978): he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted. http://tfl.nu/bshy
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.

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  (484): I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case. http://tfl.nu/welv
  Replies (12) Good night (2944) Bad night (819) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...

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  (609): im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school... http://tfl.nu/h356
  Replies (13) Good night (960) Bad night (2221)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.

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  (206): We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts. http://tfl.nu/k2p7
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.

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  (709): Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob. http://tfl.nu/pavi
  Replies (16) Good night (1617) Bad night (3745) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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  (519): Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit. (416): Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?! http://tfl.nu/iavy
  Replies (39) Good night (9763) Bad night (857)
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  (445): View more from Pennsylvania

  We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off

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  (445): We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off http://tfl.nu/9bxu
  Replies (53) Good night (14920) Bad night (558) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you

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  (678): Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you http://tfl.nu/rkl4
  Replies (5) Good night (390) Bad night (2723) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.

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  (202): Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile. http://tfl.nu/r7sn
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  (209): View more from California

  Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas

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  (209): Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas http://tfl.nu/u2nh
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.

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  (412): well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm. http://tfl.nu/hugj
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.

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  (205): Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here. http://tfl.nu/viom
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.

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  (817): I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth. http://tfl.nu/n8z4
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.

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  (309): I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season. http://tfl.nu/pxkc
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you

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  (505): i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you http://tfl.nu/pwks
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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  (402): You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes. http://tfl.nu/0q3l
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...

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  (734): Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages... http://tfl.nu/0g83
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The Swedes wanted a tensome.

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  (832): The Swedes wanted a tensome. http://tfl.nu/8c8i
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.

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  (253): The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore. http://tfl.nu/j34l
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.

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  (610): I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse. http://tfl.nu/qk0b
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  (516): View more from New York

  The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.

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  (516): The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone. http://tfl.nu/jz14
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.

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  (704): all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back. http://tfl.nu/s19b
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.

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  (910): NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state. http://tfl.nu/dlad
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.

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  (971): I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer. http://tfl.nu/l4im
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.

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  (864): and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot. http://tfl.nu/9hr6
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

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  (804): Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses. http://tfl.nu/pr98
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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  (609): We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far http://tfl.nu/58dc
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.

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  (317): I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do. http://tfl.nu/7c6c
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"

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  (302): this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time" http://tfl.nu/89ij
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.

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  (973): My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year. http://tfl.nu/yrzl
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

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  (720): Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids http://tfl.nu/b5v5
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.

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  (570): just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands. http://tfl.nu/q7ak
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  (707): View more from California

  She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.

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  (707): She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her. http://tfl.nu/yn7x
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.

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  (330): If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor. http://tfl.nu/a98x
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  (707): View more from California

  I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.

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  (707): I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk. http://tfl.nu/e5cu
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.

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  (708): He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed. http://tfl.nu/ytov
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  (206): View more from Washington

  She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.

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  (206): She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving. http://tfl.nu/y8c3
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...

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  (734): im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend... http://tfl.nu/gkjq
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.

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  (708): I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex. http://tfl.nu/cwao
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  (650): View more from California

  I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.

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  (650): I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar. http://tfl.nu/ituj
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"

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  (201): I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad" http://tfl.nu/8w1c
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.

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  (937): I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him. http://tfl.nu/k4ub
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

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  (405): Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine. http://tfl.nu/l1h6
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  (786): View more from Florida

  Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.

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  (786): Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative. http://tfl.nu/wo1e
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.

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  (843): I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed. http://tfl.nu/tmoe
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.

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  (248): Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it. http://tfl.nu/o1jt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.

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  (314): It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes. http://tfl.nu/zfb4
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.

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  (703): Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night. http://tfl.nu/f2qw
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.

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  (803): She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD. http://tfl.nu/b7tw
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  (850): View more from Florida

  She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.

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  (850): She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed. http://tfl.nu/7kwk
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.

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  (810): I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago. http://tfl.nu/b9vc
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  (760): View more from California

  Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty

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  (760): Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty http://tfl.nu/lyuj
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.

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  (630): I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME. http://tfl.nu/dxkz
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  (940): View more from Texas

  going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"

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  (940): going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?" http://tfl.nu/r9ic
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie

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  (318): He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie http://tfl.nu/gshe
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.

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  (719): No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina. http://tfl.nu/dm8r
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'

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  (215): just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.' http://tfl.nu/h44o
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  (347): View more from New York

  He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.

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  (347): He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for. http://tfl.nu/v3jd
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.

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  (610): Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever. http://tfl.nu/x9w2
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?

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  (570): Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow? http://tfl.nu/hfr5
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?

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  (602): I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon? http://tfl.nu/25nz
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  (516): View more from New York

  i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.

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  (516): i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks. http://tfl.nu/yuy7
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  (415): View more from California

  was it good sex?

  (510): View more from California

  i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was

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  (415): was it good sex? (510): i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was http://tfl.nu/o836
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.

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  (913): Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck. http://tfl.nu/4gbf
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.

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  (713): I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand. http://tfl.nu/1sll
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"

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  (732): im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob" http://tfl.nu/kv4b
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night

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  (608): I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night http://tfl.nu/nzfl
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.

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  (207): I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots. http://tfl.nu/eygf
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  (619): View more from California

  i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die

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  (619): i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die http://tfl.nu/4ks9
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  we're about an hour out, how's the weather?

  (720): View more from Colorado

  cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.

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  (303): we're about an hour out, how's the weather? (720): cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home. http://tfl.nu/na0o
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.

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  (306): She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant. http://tfl.nu/96oo
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.

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  (785): A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard. http://tfl.nu/wz0w
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.

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  (401): the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex. http://tfl.nu/qat1
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady

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  (250): there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady http://tfl.nu/zjtt
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me

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  (515): the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me http://tfl.nu/qt23
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.

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  (302): She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her. http://tfl.nu/dsg0
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  (916): View more from California

  she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?

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  (916): she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now? http://tfl.nu/pv3x
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.

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  (613): my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet. http://tfl.nu/v7qv
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  (518): View more from New York

  All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up

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  (518): All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up http://tfl.nu/3pu3
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for

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  (602): I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for http://tfl.nu/u905
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.

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  (952): Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home. http://tfl.nu/0k8h
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.

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  (321): I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one. http://tfl.nu/vil5
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now

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  (847): Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now http://tfl.nu/tfy2
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."

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  (816): Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid." http://tfl.nu/chp6
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade

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  (630): I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade http://tfl.nu/zmei
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day

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  (602): Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day http://tfl.nu/7jqo
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

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  (501): we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american" http://tfl.nu/1xh1
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".

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  (910): After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could". http://tfl.nu/pxbj
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.

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  (330): I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage. http://tfl.nu/ny20
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget

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  (781): Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget http://tfl.nu/1lyj
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  (845): View more from New York

  if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian

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  (845): if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian http://tfl.nu/1pnw
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."

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  (870): I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now." http://tfl.nu/2m30
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?

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  (405): She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip? http://tfl.nu/6lx8
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.

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  (902): Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands. http://tfl.nu/svno
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.

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  (303): My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible. http://tfl.nu/r17h
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

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  (404): Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby http://tfl.nu/eqgg
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room

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  (203): but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room http://tfl.nu/z6gy
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.

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  (248): we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome. http://tfl.nu/309i
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.

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  (636): It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference. http://tfl.nu/wkzw
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion

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  (201): On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion http://tfl.nu/9p9w
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.

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  (270): It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj. http://tfl.nu/3mtz
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  (347): View more from New York

  it's been a while because I don't count the hooker

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  (347): it's been a while because I don't count the hooker http://tfl.nu/ahgm
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  bloody. ill be home soon.

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  (215): so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know? (267): bloody. ill be home soon. http://tfl.nu/2ypq
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards

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  (540): I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards http://tfl.nu/0mpw
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.

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  (602): She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section. http://tfl.nu/g47a
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.

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  (217): My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you. http://tfl.nu/w1fj
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Can i come over

  (240): View more from Maryland

  After you called me a desperate slut? No

  (240): View more from Maryland

  Come over

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  (703): Can i come over (240): After you called me a desperate slut? No (240): Come over http://tfl.nu/g0q3
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?

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  (405): i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk? http://tfl.nu/idqr
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life

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  (636): Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life http://tfl.nu/x73d
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  (951): View more from California

  Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.

  (951): View more from California

  Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.

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  (951): Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night. (951): Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended. http://tfl.nu/dcrw
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?

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  (859): Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga? (502): Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine? http://tfl.nu/6ljy
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash

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  (204): My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash http://tfl.nu/m3vz
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.

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  (702): Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar? (1-702): You told us you forgot how, and started to cry. http://tfl.nu/t675
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  and then ....

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.

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  (215): he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas. (1-215): and then .... (215): he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut. http://tfl.nu/qu6h
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.

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  (570): Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage. http://tfl.nu/7s6f
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.

  (616): View more from Michigan

  The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...

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  (616): I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself. (616): The wine tasting is just for charity anyways... http://tfl.nu/d1ju
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.

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  (203): This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning. http://tfl.nu/sy0s
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.

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  (570): I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned. http://tfl.nu/iuhj
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  (+34): View more from Spain

  what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30

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  (+34): what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30 http://tfl.nu/zswr
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am

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  (781): It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am http://tfl.nu/v6r1
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.

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  (620): Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid. http://tfl.nu/58do
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  (954): View more from Florida

  My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him

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  (954): My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him http://tfl.nu/f43y
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  (281): View more from Texas

  thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.

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  (281): thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone. http://tfl.nu/c518
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?

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  (989): is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off? http://tfl.nu/j7cy
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?

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  (734): THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!? http://tfl.nu/2mg7
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?

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  (425): Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend? http://tfl.nu/fd94
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...

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  (814): I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up... http://tfl.nu/nkqy
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed

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  (972): I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed http://tfl.nu/xlf6
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.

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  (724): An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god. http://tfl.nu/gzqy
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  the vacuum is drunk

  (703): View more from Virginia

  what?

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk

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  (908): the vacuum is drunk (703): what? (908): i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk http://tfl.nu/sgxh
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  (707): View more from California

  I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.

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  (707): I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/x6ut
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now

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  (803): If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now http://tfl.nu/b5gc
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.

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  (303): I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it. http://tfl.nu/jr23
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Nobody is perfect

  (816): View more from Missouri

  I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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  (816): I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page. (913): Nobody is perfect (816): I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other http://tfl.nu/yd5r
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  (516): View more from New York

  That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

  (1-516): View more from New York

  yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

  (516): View more from New York

  Do you have to put it that way?

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  (516): That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him. (1-516): yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him. (516): Do you have to put it that way? http://tfl.nu/hbgy
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  (530): View more from California

  Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.

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  (530): Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed. http://tfl.nu/8sey
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  (585): View more from New York

  with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible

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  (585): with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible http://tfl.nu/x1el
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.

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  (407): Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine. http://tfl.nu/l8j9
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.

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  (931): I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex. http://tfl.nu/p3z3
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'

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  (757): Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome' http://tfl.nu/u586
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.

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  (618): Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil. http://tfl.nu/vn3b
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  (516): View more from New York

  They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.

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  (516): They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were. http://tfl.nu/skxs
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.

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  (775): At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive. http://tfl.nu/xg7u
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  (716): View more from New York

  I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.

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  (716): I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing. http://tfl.nu/wqpy
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.

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  (678): I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI. http://tfl.nu/868g
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  (917): View more from New York City

  was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?

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  (917): was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him? http://tfl.nu/um4o
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  (631): View more from New York

  I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.

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  (631): I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise. http://tfl.nu/lz74
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?

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  (250): How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time? http://tfl.nu/zyvh
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  (305): View more from Florida

  he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink

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  (305): he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink http://tfl.nu/w0ij
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  (206): View more from Washington

  It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

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  (206): It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to http://tfl.nu/3nm2
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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  (617): I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again. http://tfl.nu/qw6q
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  (979): View more from Texas

  How sober do you have to be to donate blood?

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  (979): How sober do you have to be to donate blood? http://tfl.nu/9d8c
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?

  (217): View more from Illinois

  I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.

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  (314): Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos? (217): I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd. http://tfl.nu/vu96
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  (212): View more from New York

  Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.

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  (212): Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many. http://tfl.nu/dbug
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.

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  (412): Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country. http://tfl.nu/04vq
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.

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  (210): I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom. http://tfl.nu/a1h2
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"

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  (469): I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?" http://tfl.nu/ut0z
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

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  (660): We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out http://tfl.nu/p80s
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her

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  (912): I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her http://tfl.nu/j3sh
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training

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  (224): woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training http://tfl.nu/euvl
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever

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  (678): She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever http://tfl.nu/ozbc
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was

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  (919): I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was http://tfl.nu/prge
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump

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  (256): she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump http://tfl.nu/on8v
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.

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  (775): you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook. http://tfl.nu/f57q
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?

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  (330): Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling? http://tfl.nu/xujd
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  (315): View more from New York

  I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.

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  (315): I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill. http://tfl.nu/1t9o
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.

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  (708): bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not. http://tfl.nu/0qt3
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  (619): View more from California

  on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.

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  (619): on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed. http://tfl.nu/fpfi
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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  (816): He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork. http://tfl.nu/6zkt
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.

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  (928): I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos. http://tfl.nu/xt2r
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  (425): View more from Washington

  four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone

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  (425): four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone http://tfl.nu/zkvp
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....

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  (706): You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there.... http://tfl.nu/cfkl
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  (315): View more from New York

  when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'

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  (315): when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly' http://tfl.nu/2ku4
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.

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  (612): Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us. http://tfl.nu/wdqz
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.

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  (305): Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer. http://tfl.nu/0a2y
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.

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  (618): My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has. http://tfl.nu/36lp
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem

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  (214): Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem http://tfl.nu/y1i7
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..

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  (303): you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing.. http://tfl.nu/daro
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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  (978): Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?" http://tfl.nu/0wwp
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.

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  (307): Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor. http://tfl.nu/j4rc
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...

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  (219): I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break... http://tfl.nu/y0v7
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  (360): View more from Washington

  We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.

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  (360): We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced. http://tfl.nu/trxy
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.

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  (215): he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go. http://tfl.nu/h29u
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.

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  (615): I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag. http://tfl.nu/vhx8
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  (940): View more from Texas

  now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place

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  (940): now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place http://tfl.nu/nwqq
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...

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  (501): So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike... http://tfl.nu/h9ar
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones

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  (985): It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones http://tfl.nu/0il5
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  (661): View more from California

  I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

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  (661): I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me http://tfl.nu/2y9m
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice

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  (317): You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice http://tfl.nu/bo72
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  (315): View more from New York

  I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.

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  (315): I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night. http://tfl.nu/7th0
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  (406): View more from Montana

  One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?

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  (406): One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts? http://tfl.nu/1591
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin

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  (989): you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin http://tfl.nu/ftsd
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.

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  (405): Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues. http://tfl.nu/ux3u
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  (315): View more from New York

  I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in

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  (315): I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in http://tfl.nu/b3qn
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  (315): View more from New York

  I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"

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  (315): I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night" http://tfl.nu/prxk
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message

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  (505): Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message http://tfl.nu/azaf
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.

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  (262): I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick. http://tfl.nu/emch
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match

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  (720): I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match http://tfl.nu/pm5g
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  (518): View more from New York

  I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward

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  (518): I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward http://tfl.nu/3430
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  (323): View more from California

  Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?

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  (323): Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang? http://tfl.nu/58hv
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1

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  (419): So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1 http://tfl.nu/tz8w
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I drank myself into bisexuality again.

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  (314): I drank myself into bisexuality again. http://tfl.nu/eg45
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.

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  (910): me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a. http://tfl.nu/1fan
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7

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  (313): he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7 http://tfl.nu/fzvy
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney

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  (215): Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney http://tfl.nu/cbnm
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.

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  (610): He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember. http://tfl.nu/2y89
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...

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  (210): Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend... http://tfl.nu/o37o
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.

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  (520): I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training. http://tfl.nu/cz3b
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"

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  (412): She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan" http://tfl.nu/9he5
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"

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  (804): Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?" http://tfl.nu/agco
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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  (202): you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry. http://tfl.nu/e7cu
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  (239): View more from Florida

  they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out

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  (239): they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out http://tfl.nu/ncls
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze

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  (402): Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze http://tfl.nu/3a8k
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  (904): View more from Florida

  masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap

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  (904): masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap http://tfl.nu/sdgt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time

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  (401): Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time http://tfl.nu/icsx
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.

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  (804): They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones. http://tfl.nu/bfce
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  (407): View more from Florida

  At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER

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  (407): At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER http://tfl.nu/tf88
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  (407): View more from Florida

  And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.

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  (407): And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword. http://tfl.nu/gcmk
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  (845): View more from New York

  her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.

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  (845): her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together. http://tfl.nu/creu
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.

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  (919): everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle. http://tfl.nu/lm2e
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  (646): View more from New York

  I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.

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  (646): I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot. http://tfl.nu/r2lr
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day

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  (703): Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day http://tfl.nu/hrk3
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.

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  (215): The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law. http://tfl.nu/o7ax
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  (509): View more from Washington

  We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.

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  (509): We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house. http://tfl.nu/rb9c
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

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  (250): you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday". http://tfl.nu/bzic
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy

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  (443): shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy http://tfl.nu/uhwk
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club

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  (815): so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club http://tfl.nu/2gpd
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.

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  (509): I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job. http://tfl.nu/4wpv
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  (518): View more from New York

  you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was

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  (518): you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was http://tfl.nu/ydfc
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.

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  (843): She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that. http://tfl.nu/vu87
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"

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  (269): its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot" http://tfl.nu/fb26
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER

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  (630): Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER http://tfl.nu/i5te
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend

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  (517): i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend http://tfl.nu/by4o
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."

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  (318): He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds." http://tfl.nu/nj0z
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.

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  (412): he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart. http://tfl.nu/72dk
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.

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  (303): There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home. http://tfl.nu/5hbi
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  (512): View more from Texas

  On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!

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  (512): On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!! http://tfl.nu/5462
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.

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  (901): My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary. http://tfl.nu/r2s3
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.

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  (210): Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16. http://tfl.nu/i5l7
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?

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  (703): Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf? http://tfl.nu/zyca
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.

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  (201): I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday. http://tfl.nu/fib9
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  (408): View more from California

  I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.

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  (408): I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina. http://tfl.nu/oyks
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.

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  (218): Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there. http://tfl.nu/e7vr
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  (845): View more from New York

  i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out

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  (845): i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out http://tfl.nu/p8nx
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.

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  (404): Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits. http://tfl.nu/2cej
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.

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  (905): They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend. http://tfl.nu/j59u
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  (415): View more from California

  You kept trying to hail an ambulance

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  (415): You kept trying to hail an ambulance http://tfl.nu/adc4
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.

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  (847): Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed. http://tfl.nu/o4oh
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  That doesn't help me much...

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm right under the moon!

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  (604): Come find me please? Im in a ditch. (1-604): That doesn't help me much... (604): I'm right under the moon! http://tfl.nu/u7hc
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.

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  (410): I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me. http://tfl.nu/7cby
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.

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  (404): I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway. http://tfl.nu/geao
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?

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  (410): Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants? http://tfl.nu/24sn
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...

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  (484): someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again... http://tfl.nu/xp70
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.

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  (919): All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar. http://tfl.nu/cp66
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  "Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.

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  (770): "Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea. http://tfl.nu/i0ux
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.

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  (330): Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry. http://tfl.nu/4osi
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you

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  (570): If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you http://tfl.nu/x3pe
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  You could give me a blowjob later? :)

  (1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I meant do something romantic..

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Blowjob In the moonlight?

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  (321): You could give me a blowjob later? :) (1-321): I meant do something romantic.. (321): Blowjob In the moonlight? http://tfl.nu/na1u
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment

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  (608): we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment http://tfl.nu/hmt1
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  (315): View more from New York

  I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.

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  (315): I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse. http://tfl.nu/tyw2
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.

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  (540): My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things. http://tfl.nu/x5j7
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.

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  (601): Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit. http://tfl.nu/lbl1
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.

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  (917): He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing. http://tfl.nu/j7tr
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...

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  (419): Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl... http://tfl.nu/mv65
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter

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  (440): Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter http://tfl.nu/frpq
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

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  (250): If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour. http://tfl.nu/xxvi
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  (805): View more from California

  I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.

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  (805): I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on. http://tfl.nu/fosj
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.

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  (479): I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics. http://tfl.nu/bo11
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.

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  (865): Now go wash the fat girl off your hands. http://tfl.nu/sym9
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date

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  (812): obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date http://tfl.nu/sjjn
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate

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  (804): it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate http://tfl.nu/8imj
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

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  (262): I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf http://tfl.nu/oxnj
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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  (720): She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life. http://tfl.nu/paqh
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.

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  (765): I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings. http://tfl.nu/mgul
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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  (803): Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar. http://tfl.nu/zuya
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?

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  (+44): Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones? http://tfl.nu/hoh3
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.

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  (+44): The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps. http://tfl.nu/azhr
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.

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  (503): So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk. http://tfl.nu/hko9
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.

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  (630): He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house. http://tfl.nu/pura
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.

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  (803): life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin. http://tfl.nu/2cdm
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.

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  (214): Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing. http://tfl.nu/4y7p
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.

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  (608): Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college. http://tfl.nu/sy1r
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  (650): View more from California

  I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.

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  (650): I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it. http://tfl.nu/8v3x
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic

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  (713): I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic http://tfl.nu/5us9
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.

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  (410): I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator. http://tfl.nu/m1m0
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  (360): View more from Washington

  No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.

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  (360): No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling. http://tfl.nu/gf5w
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

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  (314): hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then? (636): Yup. (314): Yup. http://tfl.nu/bp2u
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.

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  (206): Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story. http://tfl.nu/dytn
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  (760): View more from California

  Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

  (1-760): View more from California

  I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

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  (760): Why is your vibrator in the fridge? (1-760): I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there. http://tfl.nu/7etk
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street

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  (724): the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street http://tfl.nu/sbee
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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  (603): i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't. http://tfl.nu/rtpf
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.

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  (937): so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had. http://tfl.nu/vdqf
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  (214): View more from Texas

  You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.

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  (214): You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight. http://tfl.nu/qr87
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.

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  (613): Will you be topless? That will affect my answer. http://tfl.nu/lf7u
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.

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  (647): She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters. http://tfl.nu/h38s
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"

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  (610): my new favorite insult= "thundercunt" http://tfl.nu/7c82
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.

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  (715): I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one. http://tfl.nu/ogtf
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?

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  (313): There's a paramedic out here, what have you done? http://tfl.nu/vsi3
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.

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  (775): Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I. http://tfl.nu/56to
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  (+06): View more from

  We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

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  (+06): We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away. http://tfl.nu/dvn1
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell

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  (318): I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell http://tfl.nu/2gyi
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

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  (724): i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that. http://tfl.nu/tj9k
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

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  (954): Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka. http://tfl.nu/l16y
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.

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  (843): i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding. http://tfl.nu/yb0x
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob

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  (978): nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob http://tfl.nu/cycw
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  (425): View more from Washington

  He could be your dad!

  (206): View more from Washington

  We discussed that right before he asked for my number

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  (425): He could be your dad! (206): We discussed that right before he asked for my number http://tfl.nu/jztz
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  What's going on tomorrow?

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Nothing, it's Wednesday

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  (913): Let's make jello shots for tomorrow (1-913): What's going on tomorrow? (913): Nothing, it's Wednesday http://tfl.nu/pnp1
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work

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  (313): These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work http://tfl.nu/lrs5
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?

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  (515): Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye? http://tfl.nu/ztfn
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

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  (702): Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter. http://tfl.nu/2ees
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  (408): View more from California

  They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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  (408): They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald. http://tfl.nu/krtp
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"

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  (601): Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing" http://tfl.nu/jpe9
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  god, a vagina is an amazing trump card

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  (775): god, a vagina is an amazing trump card http://tfl.nu/iuci
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  (214): View more from Texas

  new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.

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  (214): new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5. http://tfl.nu/1dnu
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating

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  (704): They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating http://tfl.nu/axfv
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.

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  (202): Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30. http://tfl.nu/8g1h
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  (805): View more from California

  You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.

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  (805): You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed. http://tfl.nu/chu6
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.

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  (828): I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick. http://tfl.nu/fiht
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  (562): View more from California

  Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.

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  (562): Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek. http://tfl.nu/3lde
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.

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  (660): Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes. http://tfl.nu/p00s
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

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  (419): I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion" http://tfl.nu/b5an
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.

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  (973): I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning. http://tfl.nu/dg43
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  (567): View more from Ohio

  i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255

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  (567): i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255 http://tfl.nu/6ybk
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  (516): View more from New York

  There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed

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  (516): There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed http://tfl.nu/zayy
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.

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  (913): Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla. http://tfl.nu/bslp
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

  (718): View more from New York

  pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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  (203): there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them (718): pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed http://tfl.nu/7id4
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"

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  (314): I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina" http://tfl.nu/4mpo
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause

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  (517): New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause http://tfl.nu/0zau
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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  (215): Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf. http://tfl.nu/0na3
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  (805): View more from California

  Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?

  (1-805): View more from California

  Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

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  (805): Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with? (1-805): Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info. http://tfl.nu/n3dd
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.

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  (517): I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher. http://tfl.nu/b9fx
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass

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  (403): I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass http://tfl.nu/mda2
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.

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  (613): at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner. http://tfl.nu/n8w7
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.

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  (403): Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice. http://tfl.nu/ol36
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?

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  (917): Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her? http://tfl.nu/rn89
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.

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  (860): Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them. http://tfl.nu/f4br
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome

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  (303): there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome http://tfl.nu/x7k0
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday

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  (312): Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday http://tfl.nu/xsly
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  (469): View more from Texas

  The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.

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  (469): The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig. http://tfl.nu/4p0a
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...

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  (615): At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board... http://tfl.nu/p8y8
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before

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  (630): between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before http://tfl.nu/2m53
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.

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  (856): I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch. http://tfl.nu/64iu
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  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
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  (904): View more from Florida

  now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.

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  (904): now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis. http://tfl.nu/g1kt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  be sure to add "office slut" to your resume

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  (703): he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh (1-703): be sure to add "office slut" to your resume http://tfl.nu/3kje
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex

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  (262): It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex http://tfl.nu/c8t5
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

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  (613): I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked. http://tfl.nu/z7yx
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."

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  (740): well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful." http://tfl.nu/nfe2
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex

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  (314): For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex http://tfl.nu/vblx
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school

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  (217): I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school http://tfl.nu/0e3h
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?

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  (208): Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain? http://tfl.nu/hz7f
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried

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  (815): i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried http://tfl.nu/ujpo
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working

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  (289): Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working http://tfl.nu/bi46
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  (914): View more from New York

  I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.

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  (914): I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot. http://tfl.nu/n3sv
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?

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  (205): She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more? http://tfl.nu/6zzu
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups

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  (412): All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups http://tfl.nu/m0gn
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  (949): View more from California

  i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day

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  (949): i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day http://tfl.nu/7rcn
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.

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  (972): I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it. http://tfl.nu/3d6t
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  (949): View more from California

  is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??

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  (949): is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute?? http://tfl.nu/snv5
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  (210): View more from Texas

  he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me

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  (210): he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me http://tfl.nu/5qy1
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!

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  (205): i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL! http://tfl.nu/gtw6
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless

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  (816): I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless http://tfl.nu/8o2w
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.

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  (973): there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it. http://tfl.nu/9xxm
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  (518): View more from New York

  Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis

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  (518): Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis http://tfl.nu/kplw
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.

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  (620): In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night. http://tfl.nu/xvxy
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  (718): View more from New York

  He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.

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  (718): He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter. http://tfl.nu/o453
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  (408): View more from California

  just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".

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  (408): just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right". http://tfl.nu/kg1e
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  (707): View more from California

  I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already

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  (707): I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already http://tfl.nu/x0ls
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.

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  (314): every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar. http://tfl.nu/8pyq
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.

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  (610): you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster. http://tfl.nu/4s0b
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"

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  (734): What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?" http://tfl.nu/tcpf
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.

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  (480): Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea. http://tfl.nu/itom
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends

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  (919): every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends http://tfl.nu/8jwh
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.

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  (757): I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper. http://tfl.nu/o740
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  (714): View more from California

  I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious

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  (714): I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious http://tfl.nu/8hxf
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  (512): View more from Texas

  If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls

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  (512): If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls http://tfl.nu/26r3
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  (559): View more from California

  Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

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  (559): Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10 http://tfl.nu/1xln
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand

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  (202): I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand http://tfl.nu/1ole
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.

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  (586): he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great. http://tfl.nu/bqct
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome

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  (609): You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome http://tfl.nu/6r0p
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  (760): View more from California

  It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.

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  (760): It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience. http://tfl.nu/sxy7
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.

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  (507): I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER. http://tfl.nu/g7c4
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.

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  (734): Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable. http://tfl.nu/e8ez
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  (806): View more from Texas

  with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

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  (806): with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible. http://tfl.nu/qot7
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  (954): View more from Florida

  8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.

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  (954): 8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on. http://tfl.nu/8x7p
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  (760): View more from California

  No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.

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  (760): No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend. http://tfl.nu/k1h1
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.

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  (440): tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors. http://tfl.nu/wmwt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?

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  (775): Why is the garage door in the middle of the street? http://tfl.nu/rc41
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  (917): View more from New York City

  my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce

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  (917): my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce http://tfl.nu/158e
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  (206): View more from Washington

  No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.

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  (206): No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher. http://tfl.nu/9rva
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  (801): View more from Utah

  we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious

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  (801): we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious http://tfl.nu/ejqb
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.

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  (513): Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this. http://tfl.nu/ipvr
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls

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  (517): He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls http://tfl.nu/0ix2
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  (716): View more from New York

  i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.

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  (716): i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing. http://tfl.nu/i263
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.

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  (214): I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday. http://tfl.nu/w2er
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  (406): View more from Montana

  she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.

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  (406): she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure. http://tfl.nu/ut3o
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...

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  (250): Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety... http://tfl.nu/2t4m
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  (914): View more from New York

  Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos

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  (914): Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos http://tfl.nu/qe5u
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.

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  (724): I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move... (412): Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am. http://tfl.nu/4pbg
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  (587): View more from Alberta

  Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea

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  (587): Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea http://tfl.nu/gdya
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes

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  (479): I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes http://tfl.nu/u839
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  (518): View more from New York

  he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!

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  (518): he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home! http://tfl.nu/koxv
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up

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  (920): he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up http://tfl.nu/v5zl
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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  (704): Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining. http://tfl.nu/owux
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex

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  (608): i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex http://tfl.nu/mh19
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  (760): View more from California

  I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog

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  (760): I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog http://tfl.nu/x4z4
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  (631): View more from New York

  You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.

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  (631): You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it. http://tfl.nu/dj6o
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?

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  (817): Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for? http://tfl.nu/2cqu
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.

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  (434): Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other. http://tfl.nu/93c9
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?

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  (860): What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang? http://tfl.nu/anu5
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.

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  (843): I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car. http://tfl.nu/mri5
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

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  (360): Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night. http://tfl.nu/91du
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  (954): View more from Florida

  He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.

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  (954): He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up. http://tfl.nu/a8fn
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.

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  (386): Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target. http://tfl.nu/eg9l
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.

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  (416): sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you. http://tfl.nu/2uqq
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  (516): View more from New York

  Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.

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  (516): Never again will we have slut saturday. Never. http://tfl.nu/croh
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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  (210): I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast. http://tfl.nu/qvgk
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve

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  (313): tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve http://tfl.nu/02r5
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways

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  (203): I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways http://tfl.nu/010i
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  (509): View more from Washington

  She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

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  (509): She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center http://tfl.nu/9ea5
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  (707): View more from California

  I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.

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  (707): I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child. http://tfl.nu/d3n6
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.

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  (712): He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him. http://tfl.nu/xqld
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...

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  (563): i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this... http://tfl.nu/un0n
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.

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  (732): This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together. http://tfl.nu/028o
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.

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  (662): I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered. http://tfl.nu/u71a
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid

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  (306): How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid http://tfl.nu/1mq4
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower

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  (270): The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower http://tfl.nu/ihik
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"

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  (214): Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid" http://tfl.nu/i4ng
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  (585): View more from New York

  its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck

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  (585): its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck http://tfl.nu/jjii
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.

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  (913): It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide. http://tfl.nu/jrdr
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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  (817): I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve. http://tfl.nu/17gc
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  (845): View more from New York

  What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know

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  (845): What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know http://tfl.nu/y6wb
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am

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  (513): walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am http://tfl.nu/e35n
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things

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  (706): She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things http://tfl.nu/lrvj
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  (585): View more from New York

  I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...

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  (585): I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party... http://tfl.nu/k1nk
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

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  (978): Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room http://tfl.nu/x49g
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

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  (205): i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail. http://tfl.nu/mxx0
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.

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  (989): I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study. http://tfl.nu/z59m
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club

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  (732): It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club http://tfl.nu/j8mx
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  (916): View more from California

  It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.

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  (916): It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her. http://tfl.nu/zc22
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  (516): View more from New York

  making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"

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  (516): making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage" http://tfl.nu/jy1p
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Wish you were here....

  (734): View more from Michigan

  And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?

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  (734): Wish you were here.... (734): And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it? http://tfl.nu/j5nc
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  (949): View more from California

  I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden

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  (949) I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden http://tfl.nu/i6ve
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.

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  (971): I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger. http://tfl.nu/97wz
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  you would not believe what I got pierced last night...

  (540): View more from Virginia

  son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.

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  (434): you would not believe what I got pierced last night... (540): son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear. http://tfl.nu/q4w6
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.

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  (734): Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid. http://tfl.nu/qckj
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking

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  (740): you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking http://tfl.nu/ha4q
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.

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  (404): Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore. http://tfl.nu/eu8g
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking

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  (603): i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking http://tfl.nu/kntc
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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  (706): They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods http://tfl.nu/a68f
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"

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  (214): I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?" http://tfl.nu/quj5
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card

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  (304): Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card http://tfl.nu/10du
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  He's only a little bit crosseyed.

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.

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  (610): He's only a little bit crosseyed. (484): I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much. http://tfl.nu/gez3
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!

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  (202): My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin! http://tfl.nu/ygvu
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  (909): View more from California

  I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine

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  (909): I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine http://tfl.nu/d6oy
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.

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  (+61): She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level. http://tfl.nu/h0jn
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.

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  (810): He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life. http://tfl.nu/cn7c
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.

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  (215): The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng. http://tfl.nu/fp0t
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I think this baby is eyeing my beer

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  (480): I think this baby is eyeing my beer http://tfl.nu/6ms6
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.

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  (704): I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures. http://tfl.nu/ybaw
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

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  (904): Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do. http://tfl.nu/0tan
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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  (908): where's my purse there's an important taco in it http://tfl.nu/d9zq
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

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  (815): New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink. http://tfl.nu/5ry5
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.

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  (206): I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time. http://tfl.nu/0r8g
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

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  (603): hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1... http://tfl.nu/ehgf
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  wtf. i just found you're porn stash.

  (1-937): View more from Ohio

  u like it?

  (937): View more from Ohio

  NOT THE POINT.

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  (937): wtf. i just found you're porn stash. (1-937): u like it? (937): NOT THE POINT. http://tfl.nu/6tyf
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  (909): View more from California

  College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.

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  (909): College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe. http://tfl.nu/4iki
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...

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  (313): How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka... http://tfl.nu/gnte
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.

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  (630): That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it. http://tfl.nu/khhu
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job

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  (703): He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job http://tfl.nu/934s
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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  (330): just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people. http://tfl.nu/iaht
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.

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  (248): She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds. http://tfl.nu/bean
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.

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  (330): After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant. http://tfl.nu/zp63
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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  (519): He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid. (604): HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES http://tfl.nu/zs3p
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
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  (562): View more from California

  cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi

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  (562): cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi http://tfl.nu/kis8
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  (585): View more from New York

  broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.

  (716): View more from New York

  you're writing country songs now?

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  (585): broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me. (716): you're writing country songs now? http://tfl.nu/hdm9
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.

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  (573): shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls. http://tfl.nu/v89m
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  (310): View more from California

  Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.

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  (310): Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you. http://tfl.nu/vvmp
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.

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  (850): Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now. (1-850): Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel. http://tfl.nu/j1ot
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.

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  (814): Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast. http://tfl.nu/ngbn
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good

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  (615): my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good http://tfl.nu/bhfg
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.

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  (816): I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book. http://tfl.nu/rwum
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl

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  (814): you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl http://tfl.nu/ed1u
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.

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  (210): I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy. http://tfl.nu/fwj0
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.

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  (570): do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome. http://tfl.nu/5az6
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?

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  (803): Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything? http://tfl.nu/hmy2
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.

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  (703): She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning. http://tfl.nu/a0no
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.

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  (678): When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick. http://tfl.nu/i6to
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

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  (443): I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly http://tfl.nu/9fzw
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.

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  (973): her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it. http://tfl.nu/lrhx
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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  (919): I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever http://tfl.nu/iy56
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US

  (703): View more from Virginia

  It's the American dream

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  (202): On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US (703): It's the American dream http://tfl.nu/z0hb
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.

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  (610): You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok. http://tfl.nu/svs8
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"

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  (513): god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is" http://tfl.nu/c0jq
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  (707): View more from California

  I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n

  (559): View more from California

  sry, psychiatrist trumps professor

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  (707): I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n (559): sry, psychiatrist trumps professor http://tfl.nu/qnkf
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.

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  (715): just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever. http://tfl.nu/r25i
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...

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  (919): I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy... http://tfl.nu/yiqn
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

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  (267): When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking. http://tfl.nu/7g2d
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend

  (301): View more from Maryland

  1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps

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  (240): so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend (301): 1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps http://tfl.nu/019j
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?

  (1-812): View more from Indiana

  You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?

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  (812): Have you seen my high heels that I wore out? (1-812): You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave? http://tfl.nu/rqvo
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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  (317): The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic http://tfl.nu/lvdi
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up

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  (502): I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up http://tfl.nu/gsij
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  your sister was..

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  (603): she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin (262): your sister was.. http://tfl.nu/c3sq
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.

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  (513): How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region? (1-513): The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well. http://tfl.nu/bwog
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...

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  (602): i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number... http://tfl.nu/4ee1
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  (760): View more from California

  Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?

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  (760): Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match? http://tfl.nu/fgta
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...

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  (270): The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips... http://tfl.nu/unl6
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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  (226): This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon http://tfl.nu/4pbx
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  (956): View more from Texas

  Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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  (956): Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..." http://tfl.nu/geex
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.

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  (814): if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning. http://tfl.nu/xo3z
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget

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  (231): i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget http://tfl.nu/6lyk
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her

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  (780): I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her http://tfl.nu/1b2q
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"

  (1-606): View more from Kentucky

  You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.

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  (606): His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!" (1-606): You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents. http://tfl.nu/3y9c
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.

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  (573): Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life. http://tfl.nu/evuh
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships

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  (201): it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships http://tfl.nu/cs10
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I am coming home for anal

  (254): View more from Texas

  * a nap*

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  (254): I am coming home for anal (254): * a nap* http://tfl.nu/ou5x
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  That's weird, I usually just count sheep

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  (778): I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now (604): That's weird, I usually just count sheep http://tfl.nu/h1kv
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.

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  (270): The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned. http://tfl.nu/9j2r
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!

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  (262): Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time! http://tfl.nu/qxxi
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.

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  (501): i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever. http://tfl.nu/sfg3
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.

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  (720): I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn. http://tfl.nu/6oei
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  its not stalking. its research.

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  (610): its not stalking. its research. http://tfl.nu/qywi
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.

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  (860): Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life. http://tfl.nu/zt1o
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom

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  (423): If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom http://tfl.nu/66s8
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  dont be selfish, show some boob

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  (617): i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me (781): dont be selfish, show some boob http://tfl.nu/w4jv
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I'm on that like soy sauce on rice

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  (269): I'm on that like soy sauce on rice http://tfl.nu/53vn
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now

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  (801): Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now http://tfl.nu/m9st
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.

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  (289): The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight. http://tfl.nu/z22w
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

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  (301): The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football" http://tfl.nu/o0mi
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.

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  (216): ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time. http://tfl.nu/5061
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?

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  (260): How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content? http://tfl.nu/u3hm
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'

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  (636): The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.' http://tfl.nu/hueh
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.

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  (856): there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread. http://tfl.nu/6f5w
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.

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  (908): Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral. http://tfl.nu/35ny
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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  (+61): She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was... http://tfl.nu/7mx1
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

  (1-859): View more from Kentucky

  please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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  (859): I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes! (1-859): please elaborate on, "atleast one ear" http://tfl.nu/8j2w
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers

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  (610): she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers http://tfl.nu/sjqg
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.

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  (970): I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not. http://tfl.nu/wxss
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???

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  (717): Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK??? http://tfl.nu/2k2z
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever

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  (620): She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever http://tfl.nu/3n5f
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.

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  (417): My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong. http://tfl.nu/opsu
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.

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  (305): Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere. http://tfl.nu/rhba
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?

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  (978): ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm? http://tfl.nu/7m7e
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...

  (404): View more from Georgia

  In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)

  (678): View more from Georgia

  cunt.

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  (678): So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile... (404): In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;) (678): cunt. http://tfl.nu/sbha
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.

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  (404): He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful. http://tfl.nu/q2qd
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.

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  (609): I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad. http://tfl.nu/4fga
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  (925): View more from California

  dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning

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  (925): dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning http://tfl.nu/k939
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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  (864): you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night http://tfl.nu/m2bf
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?

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  (314): I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!? http://tfl.nu/nh7f
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  (818): View more from California

  I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed

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  (818): I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed http://tfl.nu/k0bk
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  ...are you coming on to me?

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  (901): I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me. (601): Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly (901): ...are you coming on to me? http://tfl.nu/90vx
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!

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  (336): That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on! http://tfl.nu/2bv6
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  (679): View more from Michigan

  You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

  (679): View more from Michigan

  You really are best friends.

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  (679): You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road. (679): You really are best friends. http://tfl.nu/zi1s
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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  (617): When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner. http://tfl.nu/g7ai
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.

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  (214): Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned. http://tfl.nu/8xw4
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?

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  (601): Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her? http://tfl.nu/n019
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.

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  (440): As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season. http://tfl.nu/uyun
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.

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  (814): Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh. http://tfl.nu/s2cz
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse

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  (740): she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse http://tfl.nu/30t8
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.

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  (815): drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me. http://tfl.nu/k6i1
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"

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  (262): My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?" http://tfl.nu/j8cb
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name

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  (303): so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name http://tfl.nu/x1lq
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well

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  (812): Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well http://tfl.nu/2njp
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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  (612): I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday. http://tfl.nu/86uh
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.

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  (775): I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;) (1-775): Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city. http://tfl.nu/zbb5
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  pussy has no personality

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Amen to that

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  (609): she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that (484): pussy has no personality (609): Amen to that http://tfl.nu/mkon
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now

  (1-484): View more from Pennsylvania

  sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  :)

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  (484): sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now (1-484): sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up? (484): :) http://tfl.nu/8r3p
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.

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  (314): Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault. http://tfl.nu/cvk2
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

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  (314): You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out... http://tfl.nu/a1pv
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.

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  (608): May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in. http://tfl.nu/2att
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."

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  (412): Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes." http://tfl.nu/8fia
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.

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  (256): Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference. http://tfl.nu/q39i
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  (650): View more from California

  PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?

  (773): View more from Illinois

  No - puma.

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  (650): PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar? (773): No - puma. http://tfl.nu/r06a
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"

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  (251): As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic" http://tfl.nu/evdo
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating

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  (240): Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating http://tfl.nu/ynhz
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  (805): View more from California

  you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible

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  (805): you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible http://tfl.nu/6jjf
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  (518): View more from New York

  you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved

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  (518): you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved http://tfl.nu/hfsv
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"

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  (519): Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake" http://tfl.nu/m7yz
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

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  (616): So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together. http://tfl.nu/gv0c
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?

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  (701): how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am? http://tfl.nu/mmwh
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  (310): View more from California

  While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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  (310): While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating. http://tfl.nu/umg8
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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  (970): There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun http://tfl.nu/5s8r
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  (661): View more from California

  Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

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  (661): Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple. http://tfl.nu/553h
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  (415): View more from California

  You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.

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  (415): You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off. http://tfl.nu/eb22
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list

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  (647): Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list http://tfl.nu/yikq
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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  (321): I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised... http://tfl.nu/krhx
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.

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  (206): Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night. http://tfl.nu/zl6t
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  (510): View more from California

  Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.

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  (510): Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight. http://tfl.nu/a7yq
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  (903): View more from Texas

  My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.

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  (903): My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something. http://tfl.nu/fhlb
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  (718): View more from New York

  I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

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  (718): I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!" http://tfl.nu/wp1u
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?

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  (202): Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything? http://tfl.nu/mm5c
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins

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  (215): thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins http://tfl.nu/qdth
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.

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  (252): Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me. http://tfl.nu/r53x
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

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  (850): I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain. http://tfl.nu/8aml
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"

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  (519): I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position" http://tfl.nu/0g0v
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.

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  (251): You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded. http://tfl.nu/84co
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...

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  (414): a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99... http://tfl.nu/p4eu
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

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  (703): Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk. http://tfl.nu/el36
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers

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  (781): he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness... (413): how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers http://tfl.nu/137y
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  (512): View more from Texas

  She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

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  (512): She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not." http://tfl.nu/pkrm
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  (607): View more from New York

  you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY

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  (607): you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY http://tfl.nu/h6do
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  (760): View more from California

  My pussy is not your playground.

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  (760): My pussy is not your playground. http://tfl.nu/vnfk
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  (915): View more from Texas

  when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up

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  (915): when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up http://tfl.nu/inqg
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.

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  (973): I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship. http://tfl.nu/z11g
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.

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  (513): You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs. http://tfl.nu/utqj
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  (510): View more from California

  I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk

  (415): View more from California

  yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts

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  (510): I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk (415): yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts http://tfl.nu/5sxt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills

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  (785): I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills http://tfl.nu/tv9l
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"

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  (678): You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs" http://tfl.nu/8pn3
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  (510): View more from California

  Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...

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  (510): Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking... http://tfl.nu/p911
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Let me guess--your parents are cousins.

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  (337): Let me guess--your parents are cousins. http://tfl.nu/a2p5
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  (850): View more from Florida

  We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

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  (850): We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you. http://tfl.nu/tn9h
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  (518): View more from New York

  September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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  (518): September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location http://tfl.nu/jdkq
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.

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  (610): I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting. http://tfl.nu/w8rn
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life

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  (406): I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life http://tfl.nu/9zyl
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  (951): View more from California

  All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.

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  (951): All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants. http://tfl.nu/xx9d
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?

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  (443): I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch? http://tfl.nu/v0c3
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  what day is it and did you see me today?

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  (225): what day is it and did you see me today? http://tfl.nu/sgc7
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.

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  (541): I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that. http://tfl.nu/itf1
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.

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  (770): Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on. http://tfl.nu/h5b5
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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  (504): how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades? http://tfl.nu/s5wu
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  (315): View more from New York

  It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"

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  (315): It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!" http://tfl.nu/cmoy
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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  (202): I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her. http://tfl.nu/d96s
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?

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  (214): Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us? http://tfl.nu/e7z7
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is

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  (480): he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is http://tfl.nu/i6zj
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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  (503): The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck http://tfl.nu/nvzw
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.

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  (856): I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster. http://tfl.nu/w6xc
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason

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  (304): If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason http://tfl.nu/mpoe
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line

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  (417): I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line http://tfl.nu/6dkx
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?

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  (570): is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs? http://tfl.nu/dpsw
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.

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  (719): Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear. http://tfl.nu/pswl
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.

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  (337): it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots. http://tfl.nu/c5aw
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober

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  (717): you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober http://tfl.nu/nwgl
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  (415): View more from California

  Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.

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  (415): Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only. http://tfl.nu/ffub
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  (214): View more from Texas

  You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song

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  (214): You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song http://tfl.nu/2x4f
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  (310): View more from California

  i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????

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  (310): i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE???? http://tfl.nu/et58
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it

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  (732): and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it http://tfl.nu/ub7i
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate

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  (202): if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate http://tfl.nu/kvt4
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood

  (540): View more from Virginia

  pics

  (757): View more from Virginia

  no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles

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  (757): hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood (540): pics (757): no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles http://tfl.nu/lmz0
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.

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  (215): I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day. http://tfl.nu/v175
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  (516): View more from New York

  the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

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  (516): the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY http://tfl.nu/b20j
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.

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  (612): And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer. http://tfl.nu/cz4h
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time

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  (270): There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time http://tfl.nu/e9de
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  (512): View more from Texas

  he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before

  (806): View more from Texas

  he probably also told you he thought u were pretty

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  (512): he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before (806): he probably also told you he thought u were pretty http://tfl.nu/s8x5
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea

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  (630): just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea http://tfl.nu/jqzl
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.

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  (407): i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume. http://tfl.nu/l5xu
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  (707): View more from California

  My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.

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  (707): My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do. http://tfl.nu/vxoj
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  (343): View more from Ontario

  His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted

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  (343): His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted http://tfl.nu/gnt2
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.

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  (706): So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob. http://tfl.nu/v79f
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it

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  (778): You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it http://tfl.nu/gf74
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  (530): View more from California

  Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds

  (1-530): View more from California

  Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.

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  (530): Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds (1-530): Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning. http://tfl.nu/ltqk
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.

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  (919): Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room. http://tfl.nu/3ukp
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  (718): View more from New York

  it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store

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  (718): it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store http://tfl.nu/b87c
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

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  (314): You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night http://tfl.nu/nbdz
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.

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  (617): So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys. http://tfl.nu/6qzw
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  (207): View more from Maine

  using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.

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  (207): using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code. http://tfl.nu/hjm4
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.

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  (601): It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed. http://tfl.nu/yhbt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.

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  (732): They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody. http://tfl.nu/blud
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  (914): View more from New York

  i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.

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  (914): i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does. http://tfl.nu/xwvv
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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  (334): He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning. http://tfl.nu/odgl
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.

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  (570): Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave. http://tfl.nu/d944
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  (530): View more from California

  the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.

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  (530): the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation. http://tfl.nu/fqo6
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  (718): View more from New York

  Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.

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  (718): Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much. http://tfl.nu/absj
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  (315): View more from New York

  My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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  (315): My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?' http://tfl.nu/x9n6
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Hookers taste better with whip cream

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too

  (417): View more from Missouri

  Fair enough

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  (417): Hookers taste better with whip cream (816): Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too (417): Fair enough http://tfl.nu/svnz
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex

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  (610): what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex http://tfl.nu/02xp
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  (916): View more from California

  is it cool if i come over and use your computer?

  (1-916): View more from California

  what happened to yours?

  (916): View more from California

  i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.

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  (916): is it cool if i come over and use your computer? (1-916): what happened to yours? (916): i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink. http://tfl.nu/idhb
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.

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  (973): Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day. http://tfl.nu/sevp
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.

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  (226): forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions. http://tfl.nu/kw3s
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  (132): View more from

  if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder

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  (132): if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder http://tfl.nu/48fa
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.

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  (785): The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart. http://tfl.nu/xj2p
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.

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  (216): He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract. http://tfl.nu/wrx8
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  (323): View more from California

  You know you want to come over later

  (1-323): View more from California

  1:27a: Um no

  (1-323): View more from California

  1:45a: Maybe

  (1-323): View more from California

  2:05a: Probably

  (1-323): View more from California

  2:38a: I'm outside, let me in

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  (323): You know you want to come over later (1-323) 1:27a: Um no (1-323) 1:45a: Maybe (1-323) 2:05a: Probably (1-323) 2:38a: I'm outside, let me in http://tfl.nu/aay3
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars

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  (614): Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars http://tfl.nu/pbzi
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  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while

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  (787): 1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while http://tfl.nu/u6qo
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.

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  (404): It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning. http://tfl.nu/70c1
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?

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  (608): do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life? http://tfl.nu/au0e
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  (818): View more from California

  ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.

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  (818): ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate. http://tfl.nu/xbio
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.

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  (812): Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support. http://tfl.nu/gdfj
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.

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  (337): I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel. http://tfl.nu/jndo
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?

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  (336): She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous? http://tfl.nu/rvj0
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  (850): View more from Florida

  this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen

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  (850): this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen http://tfl.nu/1apt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.

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  (970): you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you. http://tfl.nu/kcuf
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  (315): View more from New York

  playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps

  (315): View more from New York

  warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey

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  (315): playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps (315): warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey http://tfl.nu/dgn3
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking

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  (732): so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking http://tfl.nu/oxvr
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb

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  (856): you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb http://tfl.nu/benk
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it

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  (312): i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it http://tfl.nu/tzqh
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  (716): View more from New York

  Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

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  (716): Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon. http://tfl.nu/t979
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"

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  (847): Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago" http://tfl.nu/h89t
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us

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  (405): Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us http://tfl.nu/zowi
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  (714): View more from California

  I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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  (714): I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky. http://tfl.nu/5xyb
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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  (208): Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly. http://tfl.nu/sulv
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong

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  (443): I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong http://tfl.nu/v2kj
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.

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  (513): So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand. http://tfl.nu/k6dt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....

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  (309): so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower.... http://tfl.nu/5ddp
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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  (732): I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome. http://tfl.nu/zzpw
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  (707): View more from California

  He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.

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  (707): He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk. http://tfl.nu/vg98
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  (585): View more from New York

  when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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  (585): when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood http://tfl.nu/vfy0
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  (619): View more from California

  I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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  (619): I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning. http://tfl.nu/8wyf
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  (310): View more from California

  If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?

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  (310): If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement? http://tfl.nu/kphp
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though

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  (662): It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though http://tfl.nu/50vd
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...

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  (705): APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk... http://tfl.nu/biv4
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night

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  (412): My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night http://tfl.nu/pds9
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  (936): View more from Texas

  Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

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  (936): Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance http://tfl.nu/8uw4
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

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  (704): this is really not the time to pretend we have morals http://tfl.nu/j8ot
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me

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  (702): facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me http://tfl.nu/rfhz
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.

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  (502): If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was. http://tfl.nu/20o3
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.

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  (253): Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me. http://tfl.nu/6zni
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Who won?

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  All of them.

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  (225): I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away. (504): Who won? (225): All of them. http://tfl.nu/xlra
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.

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  (307): Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR. http://tfl.nu/n9la
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.

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  (702): Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better. http://tfl.nu/sd76
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...

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  (913): It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason... http://tfl.nu/n9s7
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  (716): View more from New York

  i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.

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  (716): i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby. http://tfl.nu/gnwv
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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  (317): and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way http://tfl.nu/pn6a
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.

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  (815): So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit. http://tfl.nu/x6k6
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on

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  (443): Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on http://tfl.nu/1yum
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  (281): View more from Texas

  i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks

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  (281): i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks http://tfl.nu/0yyy
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  there was naked duck duck goose

  (703): View more from Virginia

  how does that even get suggested?!

  (815): View more from Illinois

  after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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  (815): there was naked duck duck goose (703): how does that even get suggested?! (815): after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal http://tfl.nu/ykdy
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.

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  (269): I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college. http://tfl.nu/4edw
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.

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  (202): Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again. http://tfl.nu/k4e9
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up

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  (905): She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up http://tfl.nu/duhi
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  did u get his digits?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...

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  (570): did u get his digits? (201): yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone... http://tfl.nu/pvtx
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight

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  (416): I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight http://tfl.nu/k1ij
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

  (540): View more from Virginia

  You guys make me sad

  (703): View more from Virginia

  You misspelled jealous there

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  (703): We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone. (540): You guys make me sad (703): You misspelled jealous there http://tfl.nu/wtst
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

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  (780): Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man. http://tfl.nu/3qrw
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.

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  (251): Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call. http://tfl.nu/u2ur
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college

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  (778): I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college http://tfl.nu/2nnj
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?

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  (812): The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean? http://tfl.nu/84o9
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  (408): View more from California

  hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner

  (1-408): View more from California

  if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends

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  (408): hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner (1-408): if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends http://tfl.nu/qgda
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat

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  (414): My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat http://tfl.nu/5lfj
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  (650): View more from California

  how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?

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  (650): how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths? http://tfl.nu/djnw
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  (858): View more from California

  This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.

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  (858): This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex. http://tfl.nu/bu7g
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.

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  (513): no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party. http://tfl.nu/53gh
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

  (1405): View more from

  I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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  (405): If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie. (1405): I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes? http://tfl.nu/u9sc
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  (607): View more from New York

  Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..

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  (607): Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits.. http://tfl.nu/aan9
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  (805): View more from California

  she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.

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  (805) she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat. http://tfl.nu/up7k
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.

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  (608): Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard. http://tfl.nu/diwn
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.

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  (413): I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date. (215): You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds. http://tfl.nu/2p7v
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  (310): View more from California

  it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined

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  (310): it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined http://tfl.nu/11oi
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"

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  (847): I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it" http://tfl.nu/8m3i
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  (818): View more from California

  i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign

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  (818): i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign http://tfl.nu/0lhe
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.

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  (519): Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation. http://tfl.nu/lz4o
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?

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  (620): Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night? http://tfl.nu/n9fn
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin

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  (617): Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin http://tfl.nu/g5qp
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband

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  (616): Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband http://tfl.nu/lbgd
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  am i morally bankrupt?

  (970): View more from Colorado

  no. its just the recession

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  (303): am i morally bankrupt? (970): no. its just the recession http://tfl.nu/r26w
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

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  (508): you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water http://tfl.nu/opqy
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.

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  (416): I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of. http://tfl.nu/16vh
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.

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  (717): So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC. http://tfl.nu/vvcv
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet

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  (708): he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet http://tfl.nu/enn5
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  (714): View more from California

  Who was that guy you went home with?

  (1-714): View more from California

  Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.

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  (714): Who was that guy you went home with? (1-714): Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now. http://tfl.nu/q2tl
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.

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  (469): Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option. http://tfl.nu/owbc
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.

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  (321): Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right. http://tfl.nu/ehig
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional

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  (410): There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional http://tfl.nu/r1v2
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  (310): View more from California

  I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too

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  (310): I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too http://tfl.nu/t8cv
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night

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  (908): can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night http://tfl.nu/eoys
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?

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  (301): Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich? http://tfl.nu/66qn
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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  (303): She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan. http://tfl.nu/jf6q
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  (707): View more from California

  Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.

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  (707): Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me. http://tfl.nu/6om9
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  (418): View more from Quebec

  I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate

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  (418): I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate http://tfl.nu/4k8x
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  (925): View more from California

  we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself

  (707): View more from California

  dude you teach first grade wtf

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  (925): we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself (707): dude you teach first grade wtf http://tfl.nu/gqyp
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.

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  (703): She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything. http://tfl.nu/cutc
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?

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  (847): Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine? http://tfl.nu/wblw
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.

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  (971): Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them. http://tfl.nu/y8vc
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

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  (703): just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking. http://tfl.nu/uhxv
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out

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  (847): just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out http://tfl.nu/k8ty
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  (646): View more from New York

  The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.

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  (646): The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song. http://tfl.nu/nwvh
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  (607): View more from New York

  you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later

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  (607): you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later http://tfl.nu/x9e9
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...

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  (320): im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it... http://tfl.nu/g5dr
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  (818): View more from California

  dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks

  (626): View more from California

  well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person

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  (818): dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks (626): well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person http://tfl.nu/xqyj
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?

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  (614): Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit? http://tfl.nu/zum7
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?

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  (440): any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10? http://tfl.nu/j6t4
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out

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  (610): omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out http://tfl.nu/5zdd
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up

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  (802): hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up http://tfl.nu/zwwo
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  (818): View more from California

  Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.

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  (818): Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job. http://tfl.nu/3lp9
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....

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  (970): just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address.... http://tfl.nu/ivpp
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"

  (1-972): View more from Texas

  More like "Chia Pet"

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  (972): I just named my vagina "The Boneyard" (1-972): More like "Chia Pet" http://tfl.nu/ds7x
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  (214): View more from Texas

  How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?

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  (214): How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus? http://tfl.nu/1khv
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  (310): View more from California

  i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.

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  (310): i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin. http://tfl.nu/cawx
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  (949): View more from California

  The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.

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  (949): The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women. http://tfl.nu/zhxo
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  (315): View more from New York

  It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.

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  (315): It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar. http://tfl.nu/d08o
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  (415): View more from California

  And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"

  (1-415): View more from California

  What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.

  (415): View more from California

  He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."

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  (415): And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!" (1-415): What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy. (415): He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie." http://tfl.nu/chbe
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet

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  (847): I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet http://tfl.nu/ttdp
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now

  (310): View more from California

  Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...

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  (520): His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now (310): Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok... http://tfl.nu/uoe6
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.

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  (815): There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream. http://tfl.nu/rule
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..

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  (515): RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us.. http://tfl.nu/3ryz
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  (762): View more from Georgia

  Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...

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  (762): Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once... http://tfl.nu/ks2u
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.

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  (503): Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare. http://tfl.nu/yoal
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

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  (405): I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation. http://tfl.nu/os3u
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.

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  (501): Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain. http://tfl.nu/y5sc
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.

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  (318): Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume. http://tfl.nu/rs73
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on

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  (204): this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol (1-204): you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on http://tfl.nu/g8v3
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  how else could I explain the last few years

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  (703): I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills (262): how else could I explain the last few years http://tfl.nu/wfh1
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.

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  (904): Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone. http://tfl.nu/zr80
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"

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  (403): You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her" http://tfl.nu/oma3
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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  (908): While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you." http://tfl.nu/7a3m
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?

  (571): View more from Virginia

  Fuck you.

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  (703): I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right? (571): Fuck you. http://tfl.nu/jxij
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.

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  (703): i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship. http://tfl.nu/7io7
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office

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  (336): 1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office http://tfl.nu/b4dd
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  (516): View more from New York

  Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars

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  (516): Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars http://tfl.nu/6xt5
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.

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  (703): Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice. http://tfl.nu/mxxc
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  (209): View more from California

  Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?

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  (209): Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese? http://tfl.nu/1zro
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.

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  (919): Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk. http://tfl.nu/sxlu
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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  (608): I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her. http://tfl.nu/mczp
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  (805): View more from California

  My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes

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  (805): My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes http://tfl.nu/ouc0
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

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  (248): i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid. http://tfl.nu/t711
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.

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  (469): I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over. http://tfl.nu/vab8
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"

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  (262): She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us" http://tfl.nu/wksb
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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  (708): youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer http://tfl.nu/xxdd
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  (909): View more from California

  The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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  (909): The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling." http://tfl.nu/73er
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  (714): View more from California

  Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.

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  (714): Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are. http://tfl.nu/u4g1
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

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  (248): If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme. http://tfl.nu/8vj2
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.

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  (303): I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number. http://tfl.nu/465z
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.

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  (317): Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow. http://tfl.nu/7vty
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  (914): View more from New York

  he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.

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  (914): he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped. http://tfl.nu/0vpq
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!

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  (228): I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference! http://tfl.nu/5ptk
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  succeeding

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  (781): we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives? (910): succeeding http://tfl.nu/avwv
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.

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  (940): Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented. http://tfl.nu/jb6b
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  What?

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I have a yeast infection.

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  (314): I'm bakin' bread in my pussy! (1-314): What? (314): I have a yeast infection. http://tfl.nu/o2ns
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  (805): View more from California

  before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.

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  (805): before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was. http://tfl.nu/5vrd
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.

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  (732): He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it. http://tfl.nu/hjdx
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  (727): View more from Florida

  what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway

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  (727): what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway http://tfl.nu/b3sf
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  (409): View more from Texas

  so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes

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  (409): so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes http://tfl.nu/m5en
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.

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  (248): so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right? (248): oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left. http://tfl.nu/uut9
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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  (864): I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you. http://tfl.nu/pv7t
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.

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  (281): I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO. http://tfl.nu/9byh
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"

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  (505): We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!" http://tfl.nu/sk68
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  (813): View more from Florida

  The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer

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  (813): The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer http://tfl.nu/rmdc
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?

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  (502): Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels? http://tfl.nu/vpae
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.

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  (502): update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive. http://tfl.nu/e1l9
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  I take back everything I said about communal showers

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  (865): I take back everything I said about communal showers http://tfl.nu/iybg
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.

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  (618): When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk. http://tfl.nu/ntsr
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."

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  (847): well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms." http://tfl.nu/dhb2
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.

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  (732): It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that. http://tfl.nu/ljyh
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night

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  (913): the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night http://tfl.nu/dx83
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things

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  (571): i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things http://tfl.nu/ommx
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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  (515): I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson" http://tfl.nu/itij
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.

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  (717): Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something. http://tfl.nu/o9mn
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you

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  (303): you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you http://tfl.nu/wspo
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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  (647): I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS http://tfl.nu/1k5d
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers

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  (757): my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers http://tfl.nu/1x7e
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?

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  (614): Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln? http://tfl.nu/gtnh
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  (518): View more from New York

  I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth

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  (518): I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth http://tfl.nu/kl4h
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job

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  (651): I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job http://tfl.nu/40rf
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy

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  (920): We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy http://tfl.nu/hjxb
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.

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  (910): It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me. http://tfl.nu/w40e
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?

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  (770): We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date? http://tfl.nu/cigl
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me

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  (973): i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me http://tfl.nu/lmdm
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are

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  (717): we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are http://tfl.nu/vwno
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  (845): View more from New York

  alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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  (845): alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization. http://tfl.nu/1m6d
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  (914): View more from New York

  Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

  (914): View more from New York

  Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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  (914): Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem (914): Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty. http://tfl.nu/8j05
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.

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  (318): my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes. http://tfl.nu/jzo6
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?

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  (803): If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right? http://tfl.nu/9kx0
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.

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  (770): I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia. http://tfl.nu/25qr
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

  (1-405): View more from Oklahoma

  i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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  (405): i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it. (1-405): i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. " http://tfl.nu/mvrv
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.

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  (717): he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three. http://tfl.nu/q18f
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

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  (816): I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool. http://tfl.nu/0qcg
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making

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  (609): The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making http://tfl.nu/k24g
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.

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  (816): I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ. http://tfl.nu/y7u3
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.

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  (402): The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey. http://tfl.nu/ja6h
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  (562): View more from California

  Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up

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  (562): Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up http://tfl.nu/thrv
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.

  (419): View more from Ohio

  you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.

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  (740): new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner. (419): you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio. http://tfl.nu/k9v1
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  (310): View more from California

  I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't

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  (310): I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't http://tfl.nu/g41b
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.

  (1-651): View more from Minnesota

  called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.

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  (651): just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot. (1-651): called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck. http://tfl.nu/1omb
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.

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  (480): We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids. http://tfl.nu/o5lf
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Then she called me a home wrecking whore.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.

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  (702): Then she called me a home wrecking whore. (1-702): dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count. http://tfl.nu/bp07
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...

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  (610): Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick... http://tfl.nu/36kw
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?

  (330): View more from Ohio

  yes... and buy you lunch

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  (216): wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer? (330): yes... and buy you lunch http://tfl.nu/rnfb
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.

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  (603): My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state. http://tfl.nu/6i4f
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  (727): View more from Florida

  i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.

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  (727): i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR. http://tfl.nu/oyj0
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on

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  (540): it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on http://tfl.nu/dgug
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?

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  (515): you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night? http://tfl.nu/cew2
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  (845): View more from New York

  If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.

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  (845): If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt. http://tfl.nu/ayuf
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Best. Handjob. Ever.

  (905): View more from Ontario

  I'm guessing Kelly is over?

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Nope. Home alone.

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  (416): Best. Handjob. Ever. (905): I'm guessing Kelly is over? (416): Nope. Home alone. http://tfl.nu/vpw4
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far

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  (514): It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far http://tfl.nu/0vof
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i hate you

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  (330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you http://tfl.nu/9cj0
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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  (413): Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW" http://tfl.nu/hdte
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  (917): View more from New York City

  M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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  (917): M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. http://tfl.nu/5zhv
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?

  (1-605): View more from South Dakota

  No. It just means your good at giving head.

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  (605): Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head? (1-605): No. It just means your good at giving head. http://tfl.nu/6xkt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So you're taking me there this weekend?

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

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  (508): Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu (781): So you're taking me there this weekend? (508): oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food. http://tfl.nu/y6ju
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.

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  (334): Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me. http://tfl.nu/y7m9
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.

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  (807): discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth. http://tfl.nu/mppt
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  (415): View more from California

  i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap

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  (415): i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap http://tfl.nu/bmh2
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  (325): View more from Texas

  I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder

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  (325): I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder http://tfl.nu/v6lr
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

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  (413): She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list http://tfl.nu/8owq
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  (518): View more from New York

  True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.

  (1-518): View more from New York

  True? Did she teach you things?

  (518): View more from New York

  She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.

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  (518): True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night. (1-518): True? Did she teach you things? (518): She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am. http://tfl.nu/r18t
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Quick, to the slutcave!

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  (202): Quick, to the slutcave! http://tfl.nu/wu8s
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.

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  (484): Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome. http://tfl.nu/6dfu
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband

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  (703): I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband http://tfl.nu/pijn
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

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  (305): Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever (615): She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister http://tfl.nu/5zux
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that

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  (662): Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names. (901): BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that http://tfl.nu/oy20
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?

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  (504): How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need? http://tfl.nu/pqn5
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)

  (1-978): View more from Massachusetts

  this is your brother

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  (978): im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;) (1-978): this is your brother http://tfl.nu/l4xz
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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  (304): Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures http://tfl.nu/pect
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  (415): View more from California

  this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.

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  (415): this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning. http://tfl.nu/tkiv
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

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  (262): I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home http://tfl.nu/gzni
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.

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  (708): so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened. http://tfl.nu/8b76
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  (323): View more from California

  i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.

  (818): View more from California

  she hot?

  (323): View more from California

  i don't wanna talk about it

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  (323): i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car. (818): she hot? (323): i don't wanna talk about it http://tfl.nu/ojc9
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril

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  (603): judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril http://tfl.nu/m6dd
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.

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  (928): This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/2tuo
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.

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  (705): I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless. http://tfl.nu/v2dr
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?

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  (317): So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road? http://tfl.nu/ir52
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  (972): View more from Texas

  Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"

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  (972): Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88" http://tfl.nu/q0w3
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.

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  (717): WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night. http://tfl.nu/710a
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.

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  (856): I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full. http://tfl.nu/pi6t
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  (951): View more from California

  Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".

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  (951): Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try". http://tfl.nu/107g
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  (510): View more from California

  The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.

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  (510): The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker. http://tfl.nu/49dy
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  (407): View more from Florida

  this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

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  (407): this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god. http://tfl.nu/34d8
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.

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  (330): I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry. (1-330): Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now. http://tfl.nu/tk0f
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?

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  (330): I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going? http://tfl.nu/4uq9
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  everybody makes mistakes

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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  (630): everybody makes mistakes (1-630): i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances http://tfl.nu/cihb
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  (714): View more from California

  Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.

  (562): View more from California

  You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.

  (714): View more from California

  Well someones bitter they didn't get any.

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  (714): Hahaha you puked all over his shirt. (562): You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch. (714): Well someones bitter they didn't get any. http://tfl.nu/4mgl
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  (760): View more from California

  Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...

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  (760): Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom... http://tfl.nu/f7p5
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.

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  (336): I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit. http://tfl.nu/udb7
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  (512): View more from Texas

  the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

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  (512): the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys http://tfl.nu/w106
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club

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  (507): Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club http://tfl.nu/ln6l
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea

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  (816): It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea http://tfl.nu/zoej
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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  (410): She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her. http://tfl.nu/tg03
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?

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  (847): he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel? http://tfl.nu/aqse
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  (914): View more from New York

  she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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  (914): she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it" http://tfl.nu/fy2z
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town

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  (757): Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town http://tfl.nu/mvuo
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.

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  (479): I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight. http://tfl.nu/07n7
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u

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  (734): I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u http://tfl.nu/md4z
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  (516): View more from New York

  its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved

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  (516): its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved http://tfl.nu/wek7
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  (607): View more from New York

  she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.

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  (607): she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet. http://tfl.nu/uotm
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  (949): View more from California

  if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics

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  (949): if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics http://tfl.nu/rqml
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  Yes and so do I

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  (702): We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore? (1-702): Yes and so do I http://tfl.nu/4rgh
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.

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  (847): woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score. http://tfl.nu/p406
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend

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  (617): Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents? (1-617): Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend http://tfl.nu/hheb
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.

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  (219): I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore. http://tfl.nu/bvdb
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy

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  (860): drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy http://tfl.nu/cj1r
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?

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  (419): I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included? http://tfl.nu/4lo3
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation

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  (443): I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation http://tfl.nu/w8jm
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life

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  (615): arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life http://tfl.nu/ewvo
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome

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  (402): I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome http://tfl.nu/kwzn
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.

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  (859): thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that. http://tfl.nu/160n
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend

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  (515): If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend http://tfl.nu/8ovo
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  wanna go halves on a baby?

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  (719): wanna go halves on a baby? http://tfl.nu/z3oe
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out

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  (513): Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out http://tfl.nu/2ht3
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Together?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Preferably.

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  (847): So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch. (541): Together? (847): Preferably. http://tfl.nu/lik5
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"

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  (480): I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues" http://tfl.nu/4mvg
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.

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  (816): believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward. http://tfl.nu/i2tt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.

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  (407): Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis. http://tfl.nu/knfk
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  (516): View more from New York

  In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea

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  (516): In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea http://tfl.nu/v7d1
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  (407): View more from Florida

  im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.

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  (407): im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes (1-407): i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes. http://tfl.nu/3nr6
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Dude she let me cum on her face

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning

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  (843): Dude she let me cum on her face (1-843): You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning http://tfl.nu/f5g3
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that

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  (860): And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that http://tfl.nu/ubil
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."

  (1-708): View more from Illinois

  Let's do it. All homo

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  (708): We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks." (1-708): Let's do it. All homo http://tfl.nu/evdg
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink

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  (906): And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink http://tfl.nu/999y
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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  (519): my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar. (1-519): You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make. http://tfl.nu/j6t1
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

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  (773): Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years. http://tfl.nu/9eix
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"

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  (267): she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it" http://tfl.nu/pya0
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Yeeah thank god

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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  (816): So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant... (1-816): Yeeah thank god (816): Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million. http://tfl.nu/pevw
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.

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  (615): Tell your boobs to stop staring at me. http://tfl.nu/zl8p
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube

  (630): View more from Illinois

  my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.

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  (224): hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube (630): my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up. http://tfl.nu/cxvl
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  That burning is chlamydia

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  (612): One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence (202): That burning is chlamydia http://tfl.nu/w9ru
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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  (513): Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud. http://tfl.nu/fmdm
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  (561): View more from Florida

  This dress was meant to end up on your floor

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  (561): This dress was meant to end up on your floor http://tfl.nu/t8yv
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Umm you met him three days ago....

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I said what I said

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  (267): We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for (215): Umm you met him three days ago.... (267): I said what I said http://tfl.nu/18h0
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?

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  (843): I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome? http://tfl.nu/1lt0
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  (607): View more from New York

  My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

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  (607): My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons. http://tfl.nu/oech
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  (+33): View more from France

  On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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  (+33): On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..." http://tfl.nu/o65f
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  (845): View more from New York

  We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.

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  (845): We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey. http://tfl.nu/dkad
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today

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  (507): I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today http://tfl.nu/y9fa
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  (949): View more from California

  Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami

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  (949): Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami http://tfl.nu/v8jf
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.

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  (313): Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good. http://tfl.nu/3acn
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  (310): View more from California

  she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator

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  (310): she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator http://tfl.nu/t2x8
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  (661): View more from California

  I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.

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  (661): I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle. http://tfl.nu/l8mr
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  (214): View more from Texas

  How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?

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  (214): How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again? http://tfl.nu/qrnl
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

  (1-781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

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  (781): Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning. (1-781): I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon. http://tfl.nu/wxu1
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was like, "um, that's my butthole."

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  (215): I was like, "um, that's my butthole." http://tfl.nu/5utz
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.

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  (912): This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face. http://tfl.nu/ozn3
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.

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  (814): Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader. http://tfl.nu/y8oj
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  (845): View more from New York

  so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....

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  (845): so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again.... http://tfl.nu/lj9p
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.

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  (305): Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough. http://tfl.nu/p0ma
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up

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  (586): Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up http://tfl.nu/mvat
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)

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  (248): yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did) http://tfl.nu/wp6c
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell

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  (203): so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell http://tfl.nu/ausp
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  the snow is so cold on my vagina.

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  why do you have snow on your vagina?

  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  vodka and heels.

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  (580): the snow is so cold on my vagina. (405): why do you have snow on your vagina? (580): vodka and heels. http://tfl.nu/uvnf
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...

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  (773): Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision... http://tfl.nu/88cp
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  (914): View more from New York

  fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.

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  (914): fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no. http://tfl.nu/w88c
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!

  (1-434): View more from Virginia

  why is this not a picture message?!?!

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  (434): just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score! (1-434): why is this not a picture message?!?! http://tfl.nu/992e
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.

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  (434): the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit. http://tfl.nu/vjaf
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  (578): View more from

  drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm

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  (578): drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm http://tfl.nu/89pn
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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  (508): the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me http://tfl.nu/ptyo
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  (760): View more from California

  The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.

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  (760): The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper. http://tfl.nu/pbch
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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  (910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars (910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT http://tfl.nu/70k5
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...

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  (908): i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer... http://tfl.nu/lulm
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  (850): View more from Florida

  lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.

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  (850): lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita. http://tfl.nu/5n5t
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award

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  (336): i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award http://tfl.nu/t3kf
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  (562): View more from California

  I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.

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  (562): I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex. http://tfl.nu/ik0l
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  (207): View more from Maine

  He violated my cat. I was not impressed.

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  (207): He violated my cat. I was not impressed. http://tfl.nu/2ip6
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to

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  (506): I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to http://tfl.nu/sk6c
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  (206): View more from Washington

  The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...

  (425): View more from Washington

  Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.

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  (206): The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies... (425): Let's let the open bar be the judge of that. http://tfl.nu/ch8t
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

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  (260): Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens. http://tfl.nu/pxin
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???

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  (303): do u usually make out with people before telling them your name??? http://tfl.nu/ocp0
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  (607): View more from New York

  Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.

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  (607): Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock. http://tfl.nu/yv63
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"

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  (330): and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!" http://tfl.nu/62xo
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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  (216): fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again. http://tfl.nu/nv5y
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

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  (203): I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour. http://tfl.nu/xoad
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  (818): View more from California

  Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???

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  (818): Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe??? http://tfl.nu/qjrf
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.

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  (336): If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule. http://tfl.nu/wdvp
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  (323): View more from California

  my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.

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  (323): my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation. http://tfl.nu/m27j
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad

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  (206): Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad http://tfl.nu/uv9f
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?

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  (814): 1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame? http://tfl.nu/zg21
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time

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  (832): why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time http://tfl.nu/brrk
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  (818): View more from California

  he got wood on it!

  (408): View more from California

  i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.

  (818): View more from California

  ...i was talking about hockey

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  (818): he got wood on it! (408): i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals. (818): ...i was talking about hockey http://tfl.nu/alxf
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  (512): View more from Texas

  He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy

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  (512): He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy http://tfl.nu/obh2
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  hello competition

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  (973): so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator (908): hello competition http://tfl.nu/cped
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.

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  (864): Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie. http://tfl.nu/k7pt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

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  (205): woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers (1-205): yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness.... http://tfl.nu/wnn7
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  (415): View more from California

  I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.

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  (415): I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic. http://tfl.nu/mbng
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

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  (216): ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1. http://tfl.nu/a49b
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life

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  (504): My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life http://tfl.nu/kko9
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  (510): View more from California

  my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic

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  (510): my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic http://tfl.nu/11wq
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it

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  (815): I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it http://tfl.nu/no3b
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  (561): View more from Florida

  If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.

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  (561): If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls. http://tfl.nu/stc1
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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  (732): she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love http://tfl.nu/knwu
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  (512): View more from Texas

  and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through

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  (512): and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through http://tfl.nu/6tx9
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.

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  (410): When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand. http://tfl.nu/fda6
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.

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  (765): I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick. http://tfl.nu/m09q
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out

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  (918): We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out http://tfl.nu/vv84
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

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  (207): Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices http://tfl.nu/clic
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"

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  (570): my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth" http://tfl.nu/khrw
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.

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  (253): Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser. http://tfl.nu/y4fk
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  (585): View more from New York

  are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?

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  (585): are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet? http://tfl.nu/shbs
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"

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  (201): You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here" http://tfl.nu/hp38
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance

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  (416): we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance http://tfl.nu/wkwu
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?

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  (302): is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"? http://tfl.nu/82yu
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  (409): View more from Texas

  white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character

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  (409): white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character http://tfl.nu/8uci
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.

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  (828): Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious. http://tfl.nu/m393
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??

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  (970): She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care?? http://tfl.nu/ucqp
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  (716): View more from New York

  Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.

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  (716): Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten. http://tfl.nu/4lci
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right

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  (540): Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right http://tfl.nu/yhhf
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.

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  (843): there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done. http://tfl.nu/q1zr
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.

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  (647): Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts. http://tfl.nu/g67r
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

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  (570): you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her http://tfl.nu/jaz5
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on

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  (732): the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on http://tfl.nu/v7m7
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.

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  (201): Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs. http://tfl.nu/3fsr
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space

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  (703): I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space http://tfl.nu/29mq
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.

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  (336): Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see. http://tfl.nu/n17o
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  (925): View more from California

  is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?

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  (925): is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong? http://tfl.nu/a78d
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.

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  (860): I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night. http://tfl.nu/69i0
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.

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  (281): Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up. http://tfl.nu/tbqv
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.

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  (603): If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored. http://tfl.nu/j0xj
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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  (860): you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance. http://tfl.nu/1cpz
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  (718): View more from New York

  Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.

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  (718): Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober. http://tfl.nu/eick
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  (813): View more from Florida

  well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked

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  (813): well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked http://tfl.nu/vpbr
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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  (810): According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant. http://tfl.nu/aq1y
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life

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  (469): Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life http://tfl.nu/9mja
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  (516): View more from New York

  I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"

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  (516): I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?" http://tfl.nu/niuk
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

  (319): View more from Iowa

  Decisions, decisions.

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  (319): So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you." (319): Decisions, decisions. http://tfl.nu/1ou5
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  (254): View more from Texas

  Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.

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  (254): Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social. http://tfl.nu/292p
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life

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  (720): just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life http://tfl.nu/vlqm
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  (845): View more from New York

  don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter

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  (845): don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter http://tfl.nu/0xc6
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money

  (813): View more from Florida

  sounds like you understand them just fine

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  (901): I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money (813): sounds like you understand them just fine http://tfl.nu/0zfp
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.

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  (423): two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars. http://tfl.nu/vo0x
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.

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  (251): As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you. http://tfl.nu/zyub
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

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  (609): It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years http://tfl.nu/cjjj
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  the problem with open bar is i never know what to get

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."

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  (203): the problem with open bar is i never know what to get (781): did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..." http://tfl.nu/knqb
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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  (813): I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me. http://tfl.nu/z6eo
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic

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  (708): Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic http://tfl.nu/vj27
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..

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  (713): she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding.. http://tfl.nu/h93z
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.

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  (770): She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut. http://tfl.nu/onts
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.

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  (401): She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough. http://tfl.nu/js6s
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?

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  (440): I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went? http://tfl.nu/9bmv
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

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  (770): my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad http://tfl.nu/o7wi
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

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  (508): she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it. http://tfl.nu/mcxs
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

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  (210): Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material. http://tfl.nu/16u9
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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  (617): He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up. http://tfl.nu/h2lf
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

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  (304): yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at. http://tfl.nu/ro5c
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.

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  (785): Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both. http://tfl.nu/00se
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  (850): View more from Florida

  my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?

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  (850): my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom? http://tfl.nu/5x0x
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  (714): View more from California

  I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

  (949): View more from California

  I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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  (714): I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it? (949): I gave it to your brother to give to you. http://tfl.nu/fwxt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  people would bow to what i just did to her vagina

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  (901): people would bow to what i just did to her vagina http://tfl.nu/rxjb
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?

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  (251): Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone? http://tfl.nu/sjee
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  One less school supply you need to buy!!

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  (443): Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!! (860): One less school supply you need to buy!! http://tfl.nu/u0z5
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.

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  (610): I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible. http://tfl.nu/74be
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.

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  (301): It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have. http://tfl.nu/pc4d
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night

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  (317): well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night http://tfl.nu/od6j
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.

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  (225): I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one. http://tfl.nu/gflz
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  (845): View more from New York

  Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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  (845): Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents. http://tfl.nu/6leg
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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  (708): So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive. http://tfl.nu/w5b0
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.

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  (401): it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher. http://tfl.nu/14gf
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

  (917): View more from New York City

  the suitcase or the dildo?

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  (312): i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it (917): the suitcase or the dildo? http://tfl.nu/j1en
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  (818): View more from California

  It's like a parade of train wrecks.

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  (818): It's like a parade of train wrecks. http://tfl.nu/4fe9
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.

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  (816): Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower. http://tfl.nu/cq6t
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"

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  (603): got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes" http://tfl.nu/m7wu
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  (555): View more from

  Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.

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  (555): Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style. http://tfl.nu/a25z
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Do you remember last night at all? Be honest

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.

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  (703): Do you remember last night at all? Be honest (215): I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps. http://tfl.nu/7u3j
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.

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  (480): I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly. http://tfl.nu/a7gl
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college

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  (905): when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college http://tfl.nu/ke7d
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

  (314): View more from Missouri

  did it work

  (573): View more from Missouri

  that's not the point...

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  (573): his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?" (314): did it work (573): that's not the point... http://tfl.nu/fjqb
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka

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  (443): So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka http://tfl.nu/4spi
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing

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  (563): I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing http://tfl.nu/bqtp
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  (518): View more from New York

  I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before

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  (518): I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before http://tfl.nu/9107
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  (352): View more from Florida

  You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.

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  (352): You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem. http://tfl.nu/rwe9
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  (206): View more from Washington

  So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?

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  (206): So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia? http://tfl.nu/7m55
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  (347): View more from New York

  Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.

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  (347): Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service. http://tfl.nu/eqpl
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Playoffs. This shit is serious.

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  (248): We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight. (440): I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over. (248): Playoffs. This shit is serious. http://tfl.nu/txqi
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  (951): View more from California

  better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???

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  (951): better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life??? http://tfl.nu/fjyx
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.

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  (570): My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend. http://tfl.nu/7sdv
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?

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  (740): So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot? http://tfl.nu/xzhr
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"

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  (708): I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME" http://tfl.nu/3lzs
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

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  (989): no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed". http://tfl.nu/dmqo
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  (585): View more from New York

  she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?

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  (585): she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year? http://tfl.nu/9o4d
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night

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  (215): May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night http://tfl.nu/fpxb
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  (214): View more from Texas

  New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables

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  (214): New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables http://tfl.nu/m9ex
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations

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  (816): Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations http://tfl.nu/6ok5
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue

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  (617): Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue http://tfl.nu/zfyk
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  (631): View more from New York

  guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple

  (1-631): View more from New York

  whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?

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  (631): guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple (1-631): whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread? http://tfl.nu/vnh0
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  (212): View more from New York

  yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

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  (212): yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer" http://tfl.nu/u5kx
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  (650): View more from California

  so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.

  (415): View more from California

  What...you let him do that?

  (650): View more from California

  It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow

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  (650): so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow. (415): What...you let him do that? (650): It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow http://tfl.nu/aum0
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.

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  (713): I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan. http://tfl.nu/gm7k
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  (518): View more from New York

  its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.

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  (518): its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant. http://tfl.nu/kaeb
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.

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  (724): Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues. http://tfl.nu/n3ga
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  and what did he say?

  (614): View more from Ohio

  there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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  (614): yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world. (1-614): and what did he say? (614): there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning. http://tfl.nu/xi47
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...

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  (321): Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds... http://tfl.nu/1h6m
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began

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  (570): 12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began http://tfl.nu/mu8u
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.

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  (919): DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages. http://tfl.nu/6cym
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.

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  (770): I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter. http://tfl.nu/9rwz
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  USA! USA! USA!

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  (262): i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic (414): USA! USA! USA! http://tfl.nu/meud
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

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  (574): no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house" http://tfl.nu/wkle
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over

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  (608): I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over http://tfl.nu/rs0c
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out

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  (440): planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out http://tfl.nu/zgao
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.

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  (617): That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head. http://tfl.nu/g2zg
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.

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  (201): She's NOT homeless...she graduated early. http://tfl.nu/5ymo
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.

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  (407): Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing. http://tfl.nu/4f2e
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

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  (803): I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C. http://tfl.nu/06rr
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  (716): View more from New York

  dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex

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  (716): dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex http://tfl.nu/pkc8
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....

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  (253): Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined..... http://tfl.nu/yuuz
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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  (850): Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual. http://tfl.nu/97w0
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.

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  (812): she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying. http://tfl.nu/q1xu
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  (845): View more from New York

  i can't find my house

  (1-845): View more from New York

  we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

  (845): View more from New York

  i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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  (845): i can't find my house (1-845): we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago. (845): i'm pretty sure my house moved. http://tfl.nu/nzng
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time

  (1-309): View more from Illinois

  I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating

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  (309): I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time (1-309): I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating http://tfl.nu/74eg
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up

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  (217): What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up http://tfl.nu/ae7w
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  (718): View more from New York

  you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.

  (917): View more from New York City

  i told you we never speak of that again

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  (718): you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something. (917): i told you we never speak of that again http://tfl.nu/ijex
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.

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  (267): I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does. http://tfl.nu/0qfz
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho

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  (314): Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho http://tfl.nu/t3tj
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  (949): View more from California

  Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?

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  (949): Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse? http://tfl.nu/h2ii
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  (518): View more from New York

  OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....

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  (518): OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX..... http://tfl.nu/r3kn
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.

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  (228): I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too. http://tfl.nu/itca
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  (813): View more from Florida

  She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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  (813): She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus. http://tfl.nu/fd89
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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  (614): My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex (1-614): You and your mom would make an amazing tag team http://tfl.nu/l8wh
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  LETS GO REDSKINS!

  (276): View more from Virginia

  Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.

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  (540): LETS GO REDSKINS! (276): Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday. http://tfl.nu/15rh
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf

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  (862): dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf http://tfl.nu/c2bo
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo

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  (847): My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo http://tfl.nu/wnvu
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung

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  (413): i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung http://tfl.nu/rtj3
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.

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  (330): thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left. http://tfl.nu/oxn5
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  (407): View more from Florida

  It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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  (407): It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest. http://tfl.nu/ndz5
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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  (603): not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her http://tfl.nu/t8zc
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.

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  (440): he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now. http://tfl.nu/ongm
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  (801): View more from Utah

  the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome

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  (801): the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome http://tfl.nu/ugx7
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"

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  (586): You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared" http://tfl.nu/f1ec
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  (904): View more from Florida

  So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

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  (904): So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius! http://tfl.nu/2kph
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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  (416): the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night http://tfl.nu/0qnk
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.

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  (847): You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more. http://tfl.nu/i4ry
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said

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  (810): i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said http://tfl.nu/bvpk
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  who is this?

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  jesse's little brother

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  (612): hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good (651): who is this? (612): jesse's little brother http://tfl.nu/8x0e
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  (212): View more from New York

  he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.

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  (212): he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform. http://tfl.nu/ifar
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.

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  (256): FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation. http://tfl.nu/7b12
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.

  (352): View more from Florida

  I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.

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  (970): The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency. (352): I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial. http://tfl.nu/wg41
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?

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  (314): My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF? http://tfl.nu/cban
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.

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  (860): I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage. http://tfl.nu/q50p
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  (415): View more from California

  worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.

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  (415): worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser. http://tfl.nu/daye
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.

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  (610): Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore. http://tfl.nu/f91d
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  and the officer said have you been drinking

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  and i said NOO SIR.

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  and he said, I am a woman.

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  (864): and the officer said have you been drinking (864): and i said NOO SIR. (864): and he said, I am a woman. http://tfl.nu/8g3i
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi

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  (919): anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi http://tfl.nu/rjb1
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  (619): View more from California

  my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

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  (619): my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew. http://tfl.nu/qfs0
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  (407): View more from Florida

  my vagina has a 5:00 shadow

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  (407): my vagina has a 5:00 shadow http://tfl.nu/wj4u
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?

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  (704): Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right? http://tfl.nu/9j2v
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes

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  (248): Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes http://tfl.nu/lrst
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  Perfectly normal.

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  (440): Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?" (1-440): Perfectly normal. http://tfl.nu/lsmy
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  (916): View more from California

  Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

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  (916): Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius. http://tfl.nu/nzur
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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  (412): He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up". http://tfl.nu/5shs
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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  (334): This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back. http://tfl.nu/st6c
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.

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  (702): Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes. http://tfl.nu/674n
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore

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  (617): i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore http://tfl.nu/4xlx
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  (407): View more from Florida

  she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store

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  (407): she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store http://tfl.nu/25ph
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs

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  (615): New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs http://tfl.nu/ycoz
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?

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  (815): What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"? http://tfl.nu/6zhr
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".

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  (317): he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it". http://tfl.nu/vthr
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"

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  (812): just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer" http://tfl.nu/i06z
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Da na na, na na naa

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  (571): I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background (202): Da na na, na na naa http://tfl.nu/9l4t
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.

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  (414): He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk. http://tfl.nu/wrdx
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.

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  (321): Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school. http://tfl.nu/sa6n
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs

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  (702): What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs http://tfl.nu/q2ol
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.

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  (440): it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time. http://tfl.nu/xax0
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.

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  (727): I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place. http://tfl.nu/vbxd
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  No one shows this much boob at breakfast

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  (404): It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast. (1-404): No one shows this much boob at breakfast http://tfl.nu/tvt6
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  (818): View more from California

  Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.

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  (818): Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square. http://tfl.nu/gdo6
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.

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  (269): I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck. http://tfl.nu/534s
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  story of my life.

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  (302): i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch. (484): story of my life. http://tfl.nu/5i11
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?

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  (708): Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus? http://tfl.nu/ye38
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

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  (850): Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave http://tfl.nu/oh8m
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.

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  (214): Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas. http://tfl.nu/702a
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

  (1-905): View more from Toronto

  With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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  (905): Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina.. (1-905): With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there. http://tfl.nu/fkqx
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?

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  (574): I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight? http://tfl.nu/h1kj
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  (512): View more from Texas

  why does the wii remote smell like your vag?

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  (512): why does the wii remote smell like your vag? http://tfl.nu/z7m2
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  (407): View more from Florida

  please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...

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  (407): please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet... http://tfl.nu/oufp
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.

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  (918): Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken. http://tfl.nu/pmvb
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  (909): View more from California

  I just didn't expect you to be so naked....

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  (909): I just didn't expect you to be so naked.... http://tfl.nu/rjbc
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.

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  (913): Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go. http://tfl.nu/47sp
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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  (920): i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel. http://tfl.nu/bqxg
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  (650): View more from California

  she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.

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  (650): she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out. http://tfl.nu/w208
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  (310): View more from California

  so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.

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  (310): so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out. http://tfl.nu/anew
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  (863): View more from Florida

  I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good

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  (863): I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good http://tfl.nu/hwo6
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  (972): View more from Texas

  how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes

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  (972): how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes http://tfl.nu/yix3
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.

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  (317): ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions. http://tfl.nu/8qmh
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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  (860): letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs http://tfl.nu/yswk
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  (707): View more from California

  so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?

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  (707): so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal? http://tfl.nu/w2t0
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.

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  (970): Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier. http://tfl.nu/o9ed
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  (916): View more from California

  and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse

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  (916): and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse http://tfl.nu/0v20
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable

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  (678): Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable http://tfl.nu/zwpt
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common

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  (907): It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common http://tfl.nu/qmer
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  (626): View more from California

  in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"

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  (626): in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to" http://tfl.nu/ga0k
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

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  (774): So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life http://tfl.nu/2cua
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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  (920): He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car. http://tfl.nu/srqw
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  (207): View more from Maine

  things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.

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  (207): things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety. http://tfl.nu/meos
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.

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  (404): he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love. http://tfl.nu/ta1g
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate

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  (804): is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate http://tfl.nu/cll3
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.

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  (302): I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI. http://tfl.nu/3vpl
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  (727): View more from Florida

  What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?

  (1-727): View more from Florida

  Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.

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  (727): What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette? (1-727): Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast. http://tfl.nu/lpfv
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school

  (1-309): View more from Illinois

  awkward

  (309): View more from Illinois

  no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.

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  (309): so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school (1-309): awkward (309): no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/y6uz
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning

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  (480): I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning http://tfl.nu/5v1w
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??

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  (905): I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet?? http://tfl.nu/qgms
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(

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  (601): Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :( http://tfl.nu/zxos
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.

  (937): View more from Ohio

  Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!

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  (513): I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty. (937): Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet! http://tfl.nu/8hnt
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  (818): View more from California

  I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.

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  (818): I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore. http://tfl.nu/ogz1
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.

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  (604): I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was. http://tfl.nu/96eh
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  so that wasnt chicken after all

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  (910): so that wasnt chicken after all http://tfl.nu/1f1r
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"

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  (717): one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9" http://tfl.nu/v0g1
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  (360): View more from Washington

  He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.

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  (360): He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured. http://tfl.nu/js6x
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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  (281): Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's. http://tfl.nu/ot6m
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  (850): View more from Florida

  She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever

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  (850): She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever http://tfl.nu/uwj0
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  (831): View more from California

  she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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  (831): she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went? http://tfl.nu/99g1
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?

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  (601): hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow? http://tfl.nu/vvua
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.

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  (506): He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants. http://tfl.nu/uu5r
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.

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  (267): She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point. http://tfl.nu/pwj5
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?

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  (647): Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public? http://tfl.nu/9yr1
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.

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  (203): Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit. http://tfl.nu/kamj
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up

  (1-502): View more from Kentucky

  basic color theory

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  (502): apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up (1-502): basic color theory http://tfl.nu/ff46
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.

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  (206): I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log. http://tfl.nu/ft0h
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  (646): View more from New York

  So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?

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  (646): So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name? http://tfl.nu/3tte
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless

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  (812): Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless http://tfl.nu/jzwl
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.

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  (773): I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend. (1-773): Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you. http://tfl.nu/z52z
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt

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  (253): Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt http://tfl.nu/m43s
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.

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  (706): dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you. http://tfl.nu/te9j
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  (516): View more from New York

  id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though

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  (516): id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though http://tfl.nu/r22j
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!

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  (503): i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly! http://tfl.nu/tm2j
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.

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  (412): Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with. http://tfl.nu/nobk
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"

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  (720): There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!" http://tfl.nu/c7ck
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?

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  (623): His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me? http://tfl.nu/w4b8
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé

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  (847): you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé http://tfl.nu/voe0
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

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  (604): I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you. http://tfl.nu/twb2
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  (310): View more from California

  Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake

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  (310): Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake http://tfl.nu/w9rn
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  (310): View more from California

  my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.

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  (310): my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me. http://tfl.nu/1ci0
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  ...there is blood under my fingernails.

  (515): View more from Iowa

  ...I hope my roomates are okay.

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  (515): ...there is blood under my fingernails. (515): ...I hope my roomates are okay. http://tfl.nu/jgvb
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer

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  (734): wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer http://tfl.nu/eltm
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  (914): View more from New York

  i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick

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  (914): i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick http://tfl.nu/et20
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  (310): View more from California

  do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?

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  (310): do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking? http://tfl.nu/6m2c
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.

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  (904): I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom. http://tfl.nu/lxr2
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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  (313): Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ" http://tfl.nu/pk0t
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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  (970): Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker" http://tfl.nu/30jj
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though

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  (817): Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though http://tfl.nu/u94q
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!

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  (802): But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was! http://tfl.nu/nt2c
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I wish they made helmets for livers.

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  (262): I wish they made helmets for livers. http://tfl.nu/bj92
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.

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  (513): I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off. (1-513): trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis. http://tfl.nu/8skg
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  (518): View more from New York

  Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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  (518): Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant http://tfl.nu/517l
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text

  (214): View more from Texas

  I know you're alive

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  (214): Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text (214): I know you're alive http://tfl.nu/9ods
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  (818): View more from California

  remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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  (818): remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it, (702): Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch. http://tfl.nu/x8zx
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.

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  (402): Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier. http://tfl.nu/f40g
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night

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  (712): I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night http://tfl.nu/v3fw
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  (631): View more from New York

  Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...

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  (631): Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit... http://tfl.nu/oz8a
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics

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  (773): I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics http://tfl.nu/o0a3
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.

  (1-337): View more from Louisiana

  so you admit it was good then??

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  (337): if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600. (1-337): so you admit it was good then?? http://tfl.nu/xl9i
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.

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  (978): So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show. http://tfl.nu/9mds
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!

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  (704): i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like! http://tfl.nu/0t7g
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

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  (515): So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry. http://tfl.nu/0btw
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?

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  (765): Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband? http://tfl.nu/o4li
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  (469): View more from Texas

  you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

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  (469): you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator http://tfl.nu/bsby
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker

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  (617): I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker http://tfl.nu/yzaq
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  (904): View more from Florida

  the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.

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  (904): the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar. http://tfl.nu/n52w
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it

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  (503): I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it http://tfl.nu/jqdj
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??

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  (864): Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others?? http://tfl.nu/cnvm
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?

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  (313): Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board? http://tfl.nu/cf1u
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  (360): View more from Washington

  We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.

  (1-360): View more from Washington

  I absolutely love you.

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  (360): We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it. (1-360): I absolutely love you. http://tfl.nu/vd5p
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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  (703): swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back." (202): buy whatever she's on. a lot of it. http://tfl.nu/b6gr
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  (805): View more from California

  Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.

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  (805): Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response. http://tfl.nu/yy5l
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

  (904): View more from Florida

  FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

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  (614): Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing. (904): FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift http://tfl.nu/ws8p
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt

  (702): View more from Nevada

  maybe shoes and water too

  (702): View more from Nevada

  oh and maybe a noose to hang myself

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  (702): can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt (702): maybe shoes and water too (702): oh and maybe a noose to hang myself http://tfl.nu/qxrs
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  (315): View more from New York

  in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."

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  (315): in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me." http://tfl.nu/9q0b
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  (917): View more from New York City

  so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

  (1-917): View more from New York City

  you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth

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  (917): so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center (1-917): you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth http://tfl.nu/ukvm
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog

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  (732): Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog http://tfl.nu/ui9n
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  (914): View more from New York

  When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...

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  (914): When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking... http://tfl.nu/3yo6
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20

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  (919): i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20 http://tfl.nu/xo20
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.

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  (816): My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won. http://tfl.nu/68w0
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.

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  (859): you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'. http://tfl.nu/aatj
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.

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  (203): I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under. http://tfl.nu/oj4t
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!

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  (480): FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her! http://tfl.nu/hjc1
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better

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  (732): note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better http://tfl.nu/x29k
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit

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  (314): i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit http://tfl.nu/hok4
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  (512): View more from Texas

  At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."

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  (512): At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'." http://tfl.nu/z1xk
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."

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  (901): I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..." http://tfl.nu/hs8y
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  (+52): View more from Mexico

  I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore

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  (+52): I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore http://tfl.nu/b0tv
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  (646): View more from New York

  I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night

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  (646): I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night http://tfl.nu/kb2l
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  (585): View more from New York

  I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.

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  (585): I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet. http://tfl.nu/fy09
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!

  (404): View more from Georgia

  you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.

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  (770): who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!! (404): you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship. http://tfl.nu/9p9t
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  You went to church with your boobs hanging out?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.

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  (937): You went to church with your boobs hanging out? (978): Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well. http://tfl.nu/nomt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...

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  (713): I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist... http://tfl.nu/i7x2
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.

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  (412): Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today. http://tfl.nu/4lg3
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.

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  (201): Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties. http://tfl.nu/ddyo
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  (407): View more from Florida

  he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse

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  (407): he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse http://tfl.nu/je2y
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

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  (561): I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date http://tfl.nu/ynms
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]

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  (541): Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =] http://tfl.nu/r84d
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  (305): View more from Florida

  considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?

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  (305): considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it? http://tfl.nu/ijgp
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  No, drunk sperm still make babies.

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  (913): No, drunk sperm still make babies. http://tfl.nu/xn33
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  God I fucking love America.

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  (513): NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016... (1-513): God I fucking love America. http://tfl.nu/eses
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

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  (404): standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture. http://tfl.nu/15y7
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  (718): View more from New York

  You don't think I'm weird or immature right?

  (917): View more from New York City

  No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets

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  (718): You don't think I'm weird or immature right? (917): No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets http://tfl.nu/6cpc
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.

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  (303): You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher? (720): Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced. http://tfl.nu/qahj
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  ok i said sorry. what else do you want?

  (740): View more from Ohio

  100 blowjobs

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  (216): ok i said sorry. what else do you want? (740): 100 blowjobs http://tfl.nu/an0u
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  (281): View more from Texas

  when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

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  (281): when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer http://tfl.nu/c3p9
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I proposed and she said yes man.

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?

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  (425): I proposed and she said yes man. (1-425): You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right? http://tfl.nu/wbvk
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  (850): View more from Florida

  So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.

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  (850): So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm. http://tfl.nu/5svr
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  (235): View more from

  I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

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  (235): I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick. http://tfl.nu/7zv4
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.

  (1-352): View more from Florida

  What?

  (352): View more from Florida

  Just dont open the beer drawer.

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  (352): Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge. (1-352): What? (352): Just dont open the beer drawer. http://tfl.nu/02la
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"

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  (319): he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you" http://tfl.nu/5pu4
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  (914): View more from New York

  It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.

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  (914): It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle. http://tfl.nu/tr9x
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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  (732): come over i need a lifeguard for my shower http://tfl.nu/1qns
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.

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  (540): You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm. http://tfl.nu/f71e
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  (818): View more from California

  Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off

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  (818): Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off http://tfl.nu/wsi1
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

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  (248): Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace. http://tfl.nu/fcle
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  (909): View more from California

  i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.

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  (909): i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar. http://tfl.nu/5kvp
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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  (724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am. http://tfl.nu/33o2
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.

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  (907): I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night. http://tfl.nu/j04h
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  (904): View more from Florida

  i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.

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  (904): i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night. http://tfl.nu/xd4f
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.

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  (402): I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed. http://tfl.nu/mbr1
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  (253): View more from Washington

  I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.

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  (253): I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then. http://tfl.nu/hci4
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Operation extremely regretful is in full effect

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  (803): Operation extremely regretful is in full effect http://tfl.nu/gnro
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  (516): View more from New York

  so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me

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  (516): so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me http://tfl.nu/fxoz
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?

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  (251): how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her? http://tfl.nu/cyj5
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  (409): View more from Texas

  There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.

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  (409): There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard. http://tfl.nu/fxyx
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  (626): View more from California

  he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??

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  (626): he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that?? http://tfl.nu/9sps
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order

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  (416): Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order http://tfl.nu/9jwa
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  (408): View more from California

  Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this

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  (408): Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this http://tfl.nu/4kx4
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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  (904): Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is. http://tfl.nu/v4zj
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.

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  (785): There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill. http://tfl.nu/tym2
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair

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  (603): Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair http://tfl.nu/7ypz
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?

  (1-334): View more from Alabama

  You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.

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  (334): Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating? (1-334): You are proof that most things are best left unsaid. http://tfl.nu/quhe
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  (650): View more from California

  I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?

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  (650): I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend? http://tfl.nu/l4fs
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  (650): View more from California

  Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

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  (650): Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day) http://tfl.nu/fh88
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

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  (301): look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship. http://tfl.nu/j0tt
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  just woke up in my neighbors garage.

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

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  (931): just woke up in my neighbors garage. (931): scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage. http://tfl.nu/x40j
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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  (336): This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard. http://tfl.nu/5chf
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  (1-415): View more from California

  What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?

  (415): View more from California

  Irish Spring?

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  (1-415): What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey? (415): Irish Spring? http://tfl.nu/ebnx
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Get out now.

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  (301): If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me? (513): Get out now. http://tfl.nu/w3kk
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.

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  (304): I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine. http://tfl.nu/cm6i
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

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  (912): There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up. http://tfl.nu/juwj
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

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  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

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  (610): The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary. http://tfl.nu/0qxf
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.

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  (615): Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs. http://tfl.nu/w8zn
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  The police scanner is talking about you again....

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  (712): The police scanner is talking about you again.... http://tfl.nu/f6sk
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  (917): View more from New York City

  If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

  (917): View more from New York City

  Those had pot in them

  (917): View more from New York City

  And good luck on your interview asshole

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  (917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.

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  (803): It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina. http://tfl.nu/hg6l
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?

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  (614): I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip? http://tfl.nu/ff9b
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  ra ra ra ah ah

  (573): View more from Missouri

  wtf?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  sexting lady gaga style

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  (636): ra ra ra ah ah (573): wtf? (636): sexting lady gaga style http://tfl.nu/2d0r
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML

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  (202): i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML http://tfl.nu/7ngy
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.

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  (586): we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked. http://tfl.nu/rk5j
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?

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  (205): I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas? http://tfl.nu/8ynt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I really want to fuck my wifes sister.

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  (816): I really want to fuck my wifes sister. http://tfl.nu/nla0
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  (801): View more from Utah

  we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha

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  (801): we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha http://tfl.nu/k58e
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  (315): View more from New York

  Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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  (315): Hello wreck, this is your train calling. http://tfl.nu/qxsk
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  (328): View more from

  im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?

  (1-328): View more from

  anal.

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  (328): im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is? (1-328): anal. http://tfl.nu/bglg
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.

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  (614): She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up. http://tfl.nu/g4hi
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  (813): View more from Florida

  y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.

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  (813): y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all. http://tfl.nu/2iln
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.

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  (609): so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton. http://tfl.nu/aawl
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen

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  (201): there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen http://tfl.nu/0xt9
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.

  (1-970): View more from Colorado

  you better fuck at least one or both of them.

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  (970): We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes. (1-970): you better fuck at least one or both of them. http://tfl.nu/eeo0
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.

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  (902): I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night. http://tfl.nu/vppz
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  (904): View more from Florida

  nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle

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  (904): nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle http://tfl.nu/jw9o
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.

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  (775): My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful. http://tfl.nu/tk77
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around

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  (419): There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around http://tfl.nu/vprs
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started

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  (812): Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started http://tfl.nu/zumk
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.

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  (703): Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii. http://tfl.nu/5g9i
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING

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  (404): just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING http://tfl.nu/vg2h
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore

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  (502): I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore http://tfl.nu/n25p
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.

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  (412): I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes. http://tfl.nu/yyns
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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  (910): so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch. http://tfl.nu/syjm
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  (310): View more from California

  Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.

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  (310): Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces. http://tfl.nu/d897
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  (631): View more from New York

  This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.

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  (631): This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her. http://tfl.nu/wxz7
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....

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  (973): She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it. (201): Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella.... http://tfl.nu/9xtz
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."

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  (612): the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear." http://tfl.nu/uaxy
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  (361): View more from Texas

  Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".

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  (361): Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom". http://tfl.nu/v781
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.

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  (815): I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore. http://tfl.nu/ecds
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived

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  (215): just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived http://tfl.nu/hxwe
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  (818): View more from California

  i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.

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  (818): i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore. http://tfl.nu/kjzo
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  (516): View more from New York

  How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"

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  (516): How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction" http://tfl.nu/s1bm
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck

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  (732): no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck http://tfl.nu/y61e
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes

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  (708): blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes http://tfl.nu/vynn
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Genius.

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  (704): I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty. (803): Genius. http://tfl.nu/hci7
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"

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  (636): she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you" http://tfl.nu/5amp
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

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  (703): i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice. http://tfl.nu/s321
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!

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  (502): Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER! http://tfl.nu/qf7o
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.

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  (440): he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever. http://tfl.nu/ykgr
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  (435): View more from Utah

  Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'

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  (435): Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much' http://tfl.nu/b5vr
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry

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  (301): I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry http://tfl.nu/c00a
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"

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  (210): I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV" http://tfl.nu/w3he
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are you still giving blowjobs?

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Who is this?

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  (850): Are you still giving blowjobs? (1-850): Who is this? http://tfl.nu/iq9v
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina

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  (917): I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina http://tfl.nu/sexo
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'

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  (703): Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.' http://tfl.nu/veyw
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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  (775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal. http://tfl.nu/j0la
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Well how do you think I feel

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  fair enough

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  (860): Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate (401): Well how do you think I feel (860): fair enough http://tfl.nu/zhgr
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.

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  (608): I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs. http://tfl.nu/6w3y
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.

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  (919): We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash. http://tfl.nu/pn5n
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.

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  (478): I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths. http://tfl.nu/2srv
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ask politely.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Thats good enough.

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  (484): Ask politely. (610): Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you? (484): Thats good enough. http://tfl.nu/nxir
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  (626): View more from California

  I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"

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  (626): I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text" http://tfl.nu/ij6d
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed

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  (336): If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed http://tfl.nu/a070
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  So can I buy you a drink sometime?

  (206): View more from Washington

  Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.

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  (918): So can I buy you a drink sometime? (206): Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days. http://tfl.nu/hks4
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you

  (1-804): View more from Virginia

  couldn't find a condom?

  (804): View more from Virginia

  basically

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  (804): don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you (1-804): couldn't find a condom? (804): basically http://tfl.nu/rfmp
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Guess she heard her killer coming

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  (973): I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear. (1-973): Guess she heard her killer coming http://tfl.nu/u45m
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Am i fat?

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  Well i wouldnt let you on top

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  (248): Am i fat? (1-248): Well i wouldnt let you on top http://tfl.nu/1yk2
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  (914): View more from New York

  2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine

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  (914): 2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine http://tfl.nu/wmh7
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

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  (614): I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone. http://tfl.nu/g122
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."

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  (440): New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron." http://tfl.nu/0r6l
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago

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  (985): shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago http://tfl.nu/00sj
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  (813): View more from Florida

  right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  only on the fourth of july.

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  (813): right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming. (1-813): only on the fourth of july. http://tfl.nu/s13z
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex

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  (717): He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex http://tfl.nu/v3ok
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn

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  (302): I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn http://tfl.nu/trfc
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes

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  (610): I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes http://tfl.nu/4awr
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.

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  (724): I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina. http://tfl.nu/8v08
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.

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  (651): glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic. http://tfl.nu/f4h9
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.

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  (240): stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing. http://tfl.nu/y30j
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.

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  (609): I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick. http://tfl.nu/i44q
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.

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  (732): my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink. http://tfl.nu/ojx1
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.

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  (410): I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube. (1-410): I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds. http://tfl.nu/szhm
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  (626): View more from California

  Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.

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  (626): Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her. http://tfl.nu/fyts
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  like hot dogs and buns.

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  (609): i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky (267): like hot dogs and buns. http://tfl.nu/crsi
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  (425): View more from Washington

  her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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  (425): her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle. http://tfl.nu/baj8
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god

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  (740): you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god http://tfl.nu/byer
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  (727): View more from Florida

  My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo

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  (727): My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo http://tfl.nu/tgva
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties

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  (360): I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties http://tfl.nu/4hbe
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  do you believe in love at first sight?

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  awwwwww =)

  (513): View more from Ohio

  yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!

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  (513): do you believe in love at first sight? (1-513): awwwwww =) (513): yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks! http://tfl.nu/zebv
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dude, you need to talk to your mom

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  wtf?

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you

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  (412): Dude, you need to talk to your mom (724): wtf? (412): She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you http://tfl.nu/71sh
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?

  (1-807): View more from Ontario

  Just flip the mattress, it erases all

  (807): View more from Ontario

  Done and done

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  (807): Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town? (1-807): Just flip the mattress, it erases all (807): Done and done http://tfl.nu/aezq
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up

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  (715): STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up http://tfl.nu/m2d3
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  (386): View more from Florida

  You going to midnight mass? we need a dd

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  (386): You going to midnight mass? we need a dd http://tfl.nu/65xe
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?

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  (336): Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone? http://tfl.nu/bgt3
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

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  (630): I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building. http://tfl.nu/xm6j
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  If I go to jail what happens to my debt?

  (1-908): View more from New Jersey

  You dont have to pay it.

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I'm going to jail.

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  (908): If I go to jail what happens to my debt? (1-908): You dont have to pay it. (908): I'm going to jail. http://tfl.nu/9by4
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  Good morning to you

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  (203): Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday? (1-203): Good morning to you http://tfl.nu/rc7c
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?

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  (978): my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD? http://tfl.nu/bj44
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...

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  (701): My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this... http://tfl.nu/7jfd
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones

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  (605): remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones http://tfl.nu/3i5q
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?

  (1-251): View more from Alabama

  Why are you in my underwear drawer?

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  (251): Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer? (1-251): Why are you in my underwear drawer? http://tfl.nu/y2d4
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.

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  (732): I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame. http://tfl.nu/b4iy
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  All I've ever wanted to do in life is right

  (517): View more from Michigan

  Maybe you should learn how to spell write first

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  (313): All I've ever wanted to do in life is right (517): Maybe you should learn how to spell write first http://tfl.nu/4u4l
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?

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  (440): Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it? (1-440): because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even? http://tfl.nu/6ni1
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.

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  (613): i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice. http://tfl.nu/jk56
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys

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  (603): wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys http://tfl.nu/ak8d
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks

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  (908): We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks http://tfl.nu/lwab
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?

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  (814): so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar? http://tfl.nu/t8an
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...

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  (317): You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang... http://tfl.nu/ct1j
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.

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  (910): I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome. http://tfl.nu/9kjh
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.

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  (202): I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole. http://tfl.nu/2lml
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.

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  (410): You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out. http://tfl.nu/phll
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.

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  (773): My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended. http://tfl.nu/c9ao
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  What!?!?! How are you txting?!

  (775): View more from Nevada

  Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

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  (775): Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you. (1-775): What!?!?! How are you txting?! (775): Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/1ioc
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE

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  (508): I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE http://tfl.nu/54pd
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  (212): View more from New York

  so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before

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  (212): so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before http://tfl.nu/29hu
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.

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  (717): You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before. http://tfl.nu/0fke
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?

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  (709): How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship? http://tfl.nu/5n74
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.

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  (269): So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing. http://tfl.nu/disx
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  (801): View more from Utah

  so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me

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  (801): so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me http://tfl.nu/is24
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.

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  (617): I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw. http://tfl.nu/9aqz
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone

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  (601): i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone http://tfl.nu/50pu
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  (845): View more from New York

  I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?

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  (845): I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back? http://tfl.nu/r4ga
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.

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  (804): Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3. http://tfl.nu/mf94
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  (904): View more from Florida

  i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.

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  (904): i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial. http://tfl.nu/yyq8
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"

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  (973): My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items" (973): That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic" http://tfl.nu/yk9d
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.

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  (812): When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night. http://tfl.nu/n33w
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  (845): View more from New York

  I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.

  (845): View more from New York

  Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.

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  (845): I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell. (845): Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts. http://tfl.nu/04jv
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."

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  (480): They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..." http://tfl.nu/hs05
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.

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  (405): There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS. http://tfl.nu/dubs
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.

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  (604): the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick. http://tfl.nu/jjwi
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out

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  (732): feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out http://tfl.nu/y0cc
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in

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  (514): Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in http://tfl.nu/gix0
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Did we have sex last night?

  (1-706): View more from Georgia

  I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.

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  (706): Did we have sex last night? (1-706): I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me. http://tfl.nu/f9pg
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?

  (1-905): View more from Toronto

  i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood

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  (905): Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse? (1-905): i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood http://tfl.nu/oc9k
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back

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  (618): remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back http://tfl.nu/7hrx
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.

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  (215): winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am. http://tfl.nu/p45r
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.

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  (918): Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch. http://tfl.nu/cew3
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  (904): View more from Florida

  bring the vodka.

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

  (904): View more from Florida

  we are.

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  (904): bring the vodka. (1-904): i thought we were going to mcdonalds..? (904): we are. http://tfl.nu/1144
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  (858): View more from California

  I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

  (619): View more from California

  you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

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  (858): I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up. (619): you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS http://tfl.nu/a8ci
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  She does have a great personality.

  (1-864): View more from South Carolina

  Yeah, in her vagina.

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  (864): She does have a great personality. (1-864): Yeah, in her vagina. http://tfl.nu/us41
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...

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  (479): even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit... http://tfl.nu/fzja
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  (801): View more from Utah

  You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

  (1-801): View more from Utah

  There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

  (801): View more from Utah

  alright see you in the morning.

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  (801): You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house. (1-801): There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen. (801): alright see you in the morning. http://tfl.nu/gnes
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  without a question

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  (860): I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox (1-860): without a question http://tfl.nu/lm2z
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  (925): View more from California

  2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?

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  (925) 2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you? http://tfl.nu/l1ls
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  (210): View more from Texas

  By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE

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  (210): By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE http://tfl.nu/98pz
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  You're the best girlfriend ever.

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  (913): Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat. (1-913): You're the best girlfriend ever. http://tfl.nu/imen
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.

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  (321): On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love. http://tfl.nu/bm31
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?

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  (720): well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you? http://tfl.nu/2ont
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"

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  (715): not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it" http://tfl.nu/1hnw
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

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  (706): Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't. http://tfl.nu/ol3k
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.

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  (360): Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up. http://tfl.nu/js3s
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  (818): View more from California

  i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Heaven soaked bacon.

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  (818): i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like. (615): Heaven soaked bacon. http://tfl.nu/85uv
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality

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  (256): A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality http://tfl.nu/65cw
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  (858): View more from California

  I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.

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  (858): I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win. http://tfl.nu/f8rt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.

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  (440): I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise. http://tfl.nu/okxz
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  (940): View more from Texas

  I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl

  (1-940): View more from Texas

  you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.

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  (940): I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl (1-940): you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent. http://tfl.nu/wzvk
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,

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  (973): I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry, http://tfl.nu/9gek
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  (718): View more from New York

  Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.

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  (718): Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex. http://tfl.nu/mdk4
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  (310): View more from California

  I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....

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  (310): I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited.... http://tfl.nu/l21f
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper

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  (773): Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper http://tfl.nu/ngxc
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  (949): View more from California

  Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone

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  (949): Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone http://tfl.nu/p93a
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?

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  (410): what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"? http://tfl.nu/vaok
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  (631): View more from New York

  Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?

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  (631): Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"? http://tfl.nu/0zdv
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.

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  (708): i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection. http://tfl.nu/ljiq
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.

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  (407): I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through. http://tfl.nu/kavy
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Is it any good?

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.

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  (615): Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet. (404): Is it any good? (615): Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that. http://tfl.nu/ptq9
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it

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  (765): you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it http://tfl.nu/18g9
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"

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  (720): turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen" http://tfl.nu/kas3
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  (845): View more from New York

  that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...

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  (845): that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before... http://tfl.nu/0j29
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.

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  (815): I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse. http://tfl.nu/0lkw
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  dude are you serious?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I know you already have a pic on your phone

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  (978): Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave (617): dude are you serious? (978): I know you already have a pic on your phone http://tfl.nu/k6lt
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Who said I want to share with you?

  (269): View more from Michigan

  You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.

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  (269): I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you. (616): Who said I want to share with you? (269): You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book. http://tfl.nu/trh2
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  (310): View more from California

  so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?

  (818): View more from California

  by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ

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  (310): so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA? (818): by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ http://tfl.nu/5i2r
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night

  (404): View more from Georgia

  i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator

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  (404): this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night (404): i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator http://tfl.nu/lkbi
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  (760): View more from California

  What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?

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  (760): What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch? http://tfl.nu/c2lm
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  (212): View more from New York

  ??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.

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  (212): ??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years. http://tfl.nu/7axl
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.

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  (269): when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way. http://tfl.nu/230k
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues

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  (954): I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues http://tfl.nu/8qyh
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  (896): View more from

  i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.

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  (896): i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself. http://tfl.nu/abgv
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.

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  (614): trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room. http://tfl.nu/9qb1
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.

  (1-515): View more from Iowa

  Deal!

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  (515): You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit. (1-515): Deal! http://tfl.nu/vj0b
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  (214): View more from Texas

  So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.

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  (214): So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat. (1-214): Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/vioy
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  (801): View more from Utah

  let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.

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  (801): let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room. http://tfl.nu/h78r
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  (845): View more from New York

  forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.

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  (845): forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night. http://tfl.nu/wdqe
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  (209): View more from California

  I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.

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  (209): I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope. http://tfl.nu/7xzu
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"

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  (847): i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong" http://tfl.nu/catg
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.

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  (812): i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys. http://tfl.nu/wntn
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  (425): View more from Washington

  its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"

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  (425): its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks" http://tfl.nu/ax74
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.

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  (404): It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more. http://tfl.nu/2mzd
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  (904): View more from Florida

  i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps

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  (904): i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps http://tfl.nu/x84f
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  dude, osama threatened the US again

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  dude. i slept with your sister last night

  (847): View more from Illinois

  what?

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news

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  (847): dude, osama threatened the US again (1-847): dude. i slept with your sister last night (847): what? (1-847) I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news http://tfl.nu/r4dc
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  followup question: what if both somones were me?

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  (610): if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/? (610): followup question: what if both somones were me? http://tfl.nu/emdv
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  (949): View more from California

  She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.

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  (949): She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed. http://tfl.nu/t3mj
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  (631): View more from New York

  woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.

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  (631): woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again. http://tfl.nu/84mk
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.

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  (781): I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots. http://tfl.nu/2a1b
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  So its not gay if you have sex with another woman and its academic

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  so what if I'm having sex with a woman for recreation?

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Thats gay

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  (313): So its not gay if you have sex with another woman and its academic (1-313): so what if I'm having sex with a woman for recreation? (313): Thats gay http://tfl.nu/2245
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  (347): View more from New York

  in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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  (347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him http://tfl.nu/pxgw
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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  (484): Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud. http://tfl.nu/xhdj
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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  (617): just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole http://tfl.nu/otvq
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
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  (909): View more from California

  I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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  (909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him http://tfl.nu/axwb
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  happy early fathers day!!!

  (829): View more from Dominican Rep

  im not a father

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  about that...

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  (843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... http://tfl.nu/tk4z
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  Two?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Two.

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  (404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs. (1-404): Two? (404): Two. http://tfl.nu/opzf
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  (516): View more from New York

  if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine

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  (516): if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine http://tfl.nu/b6e8
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"

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  (620): It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish" http://tfl.nu/scbq
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?

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  (970): do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom? http://tfl.nu/19xa
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

  (714): View more from California

  Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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  (712): Doctor said I have sports induced asthma. (714): Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape." http://tfl.nu/hfcj
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  (845): View more from New York

  she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.

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  (845): she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits. http://tfl.nu/cebt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.

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  (720): Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands. http://tfl.nu/3psd
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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  (678): I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head. http://tfl.nu/4u7e
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

  (1-706): View more from Georgia

  Where's it at?

  (706): View more from Georgia

  In your pants.

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  (706): We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now. (1-706): Where's it at? (706): In your pants. http://tfl.nu/w8ar
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?

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  (847): as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning? http://tfl.nu/weqo
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  (972): View more from Texas

  You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'

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  (972): You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.' http://tfl.nu/1grt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.

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  (207): Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father. http://tfl.nu/7nfw
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  the part where you beat me to him

  (410): View more from Maryland

  fair enough.

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  (410): what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?! (1-410): the part where you beat me to him (410): fair enough. http://tfl.nu/4y3l
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  it's like her boobs came off with her bra

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  (412): it's like her boobs came off with her bra http://tfl.nu/ua1r
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.

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  (410): It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force. http://tfl.nu/y0by
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Restraining orders are what college is about.

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  (775): He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it. (856): Restraining orders are what college is about. http://tfl.nu/sfmu
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.

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  (803): Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning. http://tfl.nu/55ug
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.

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  (416): Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management. http://tfl.nu/afuw
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.

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  (609): I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'. http://tfl.nu/kkmi
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  (818): View more from California

  My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.

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  (818): My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert. http://tfl.nu/ehir
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?

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  (504): she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud? http://tfl.nu/6q2n
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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  (413): In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does. http://tfl.nu/f5ii
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  bc i get to see you. naked.

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  (203): are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid? (203): bc i get to see you. naked. http://tfl.nu/db7h
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  (310): View more from California

  I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.

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  (310): I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid. http://tfl.nu/amso
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

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  (515): in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch. http://tfl.nu/88o7
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.

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  (724): She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring. http://tfl.nu/wizw
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  (386): View more from Florida

  The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance

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  (386): The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance http://tfl.nu/iqmo
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.

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  (503): iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane. http://tfl.nu/zl9e
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.

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  (613): If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough. http://tfl.nu/noke
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  (818): View more from California

  His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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  (818): His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face. http://tfl.nu/bthr
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

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  (732): No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day. http://tfl.nu/5atz
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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  (218): Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it. http://tfl.nu/dm7u
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.

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  (780): We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts. http://tfl.nu/8v61
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.

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  (314): You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you. http://tfl.nu/ejbb
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....

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  (513): She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited.... http://tfl.nu/lzs9
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?

  (317): View more from Indiana

  all hypothetical of course

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  (317): if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all? (317): all hypothetical of course http://tfl.nu/v0tg
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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  (706): I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face. http://tfl.nu/e8qy
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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  (734): Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom http://tfl.nu/itfy
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

  (740): View more from Ohio

  i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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  (614): so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you' (740): i literally fucking hate you so fucking much. http://tfl.nu/7yl2
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  (716): View more from New York

  I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount

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  (716): I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount http://tfl.nu/p3jz
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"

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  (870): Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty" http://tfl.nu/dezg
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday

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  (610): Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday http://tfl.nu/c2dx
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

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  (248): I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name. http://tfl.nu/axbm
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  we've started having sober sex

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  you really do like him

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  (860): we've started having sober sex (203): you really do like him http://tfl.nu/ocmd
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  (214): View more from Texas

  My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

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  (214): My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight. http://tfl.nu/3ozf
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  (360): View more from Washington

  All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.

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  (360): All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together. http://tfl.nu/fujj
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  (209): View more from California

  Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.

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  (209): Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work. http://tfl.nu/af2i
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  (323): View more from California

  I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning

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  (323): I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning http://tfl.nu/dryp
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either

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  (937): Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either http://tfl.nu/8shq
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.

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  (812): I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is. http://tfl.nu/2rnr
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.

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  (203): after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet. (1-203): your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd. http://tfl.nu/5pti
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.

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  (724): I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that. http://tfl.nu/ze20
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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  (260): I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/i41h
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

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  (910): Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut. http://tfl.nu/hcrb
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'

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  (778): No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain' http://tfl.nu/2rma
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

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  (443): just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?! http://tfl.nu/h1we
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  (954): View more from Florida

  tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

  (1-954): View more from Florida

  Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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  (954): tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"? (1-954): Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards. http://tfl.nu/k91c
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  (858): View more from California

  threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter

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  (858): threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter http://tfl.nu/n5bo
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.

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  (757): Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well. http://tfl.nu/ul8d
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?

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  (612): Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife? http://tfl.nu/rjpj
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.

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  (303): New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar. http://tfl.nu/vp4p
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.

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  (401): I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver. http://tfl.nu/132c
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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  (321): Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting. http://tfl.nu/c1w6
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  the red head has a bf

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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  (843): the red head has a bf (1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score http://tfl.nu/bdta
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (516): View more from New York

  Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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  (516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. http://tfl.nu/hg3t
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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  (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? http://tfl.nu/ppdn
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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  (312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. http://tfl.nu/sr4z
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

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  (314): So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present. http://tfl.nu/xf6g
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.

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  (904): I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots. http://tfl.nu/ub1d
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

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  (225): I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign? http://tfl.nu/j7ur
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

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  (337): Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have. http://tfl.nu/wctv
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her

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  (678): SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her http://tfl.nu/v70p
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.

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  (705): Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell. http://tfl.nu/z3u3
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  (940): View more from Texas

  we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.

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  (940): we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts. http://tfl.nu/rlkg
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Are you talking about my vagina?

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  (252): Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it (919): Are you talking about my vagina? http://tfl.nu/sfmr
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great

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  (908): Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great http://tfl.nu/tjsf
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i just stepped in cum. i hate you.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Thats what happens when you don't swallow.

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  (203): i just stepped in cum. i hate you. (603): Thats what happens when you don't swallow. http://tfl.nu/7phl
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.

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  (504): Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea. http://tfl.nu/a9pb
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I just want to hang out with her.

  (916): View more from California

  You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.

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  (210): I just want to hang out with her. (916): You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you. http://tfl.nu/9qvp
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.

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  (609): Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet. http://tfl.nu/2pvo
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  (925): View more from California

  his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.

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  (925): his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch. http://tfl.nu/0vl7
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  (214): View more from Texas

  bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.

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  (214): bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink. http://tfl.nu/4c2j
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  (530): View more from California

  my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

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  (530): my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad... http://tfl.nu/yh1f
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?

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  (330): Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket? http://tfl.nu/lptb
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...

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  (479): Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school... http://tfl.nu/5amt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!

  (1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.

  (1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I love tequila.

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  (902): WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?! (1-902): I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey. (1-902): I love tequila. http://tfl.nu/s92h
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  (221): View more from

  I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.

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  (221): I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE. http://tfl.nu/7n2x
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

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  (708): so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me. http://tfl.nu/mwnt
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