She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
There r osticjed everywhere
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
did i walk over a car last night?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
where are you?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You coming home soon, man?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.