Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
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