There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Send us your Text From Last Night!
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
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