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Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think I sprained my soul last night
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
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