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I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Can I color on your dick again?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
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