Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
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