Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
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