Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
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