Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Send us your Text From Last Night!
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Wow word travels fast.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
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