So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
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