I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
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