I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
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