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When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
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