just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
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Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
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