You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
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At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
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