I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
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