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Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Are my feet made of real feet?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
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