Texts From Last Night

ktownclown's Favorites Texts:

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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

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  (604): Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling. http://tfl.nu/zskd
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  (310): View more from California

  Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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  (310): Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on? http://tfl.nu/pffh
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  (518): View more from New York

  He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.

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  (518): He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong. http://tfl.nu/r133
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  (949): View more from California

  you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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  (949): you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one http://tfl.nu/7gmu
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

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  (330): You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test. http://tfl.nu/znwq
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?

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  (978): Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th? http://tfl.nu/27j9
  Replies (12) Good night (2926) Bad night (479) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.

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  (248): Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby. (248): There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction. http://tfl.nu/82qp
  Replies (5) Good night (2128) Bad night (565)
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  (805): View more from California

  Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?

  (805): View more from California

  and why are they spooning a flamingo?

  (714): View more from California

  they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.

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  (805): Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor? (805): and why are they spooning a flamingo? (714): they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice. http://tfl.nu/n0m3
  Replies (14) Good night (3676) Bad night (592)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen

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  (201): there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen http://tfl.nu/0xt9
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.

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  (804): They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas. http://tfl.nu/dkws
  Replies (4) Good night (2796) Bad night (534)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.

  (206): View more from Washington

  Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.

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  (206): imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk. (206): Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy. http://tfl.nu/ynk1
  Replies (21) Good night (6618) Bad night (478)
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  (361): View more from Texas

  As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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  (361): As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you. http://tfl.nu/u1yg
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  (650): View more from California

  the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

  (1-650): View more from California

  dude, it's 2 am.

  (650): View more from California

  but its COMING

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  (650): the ice cream truck is coming omgomg (1-650): dude, it's 2 am. (650): but its COMING http://tfl.nu/8z5r
  Replies (63) Good night (7838) Bad night (379)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.

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  (678): I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out. http://tfl.nu/nryy
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome

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  (609): You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome http://tfl.nu/6r0p
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.

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  (902): I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence. http://tfl.nu/pvbz
  Replies (11) Good night (4912) Bad night (476)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.

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  (613): Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill. http://tfl.nu/ungu
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin

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  (630): It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin http://tfl.nu/b3ck
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.

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  (303): That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now. http://tfl.nu/5jdl
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .

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  (419): The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. . http://tfl.nu/zh9v
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college

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  (314): Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college http://tfl.nu/eldf
  Replies (32) Good night (5461) Bad night (546)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  You drinking a lot?

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  No.

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Define a lot

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  (850): You drinking a lot? (1-850): No. (1-850): Define a lot http://tfl.nu/heqj
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.

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  (215): Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked. http://tfl.nu/7s06
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

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  (216): ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1. http://tfl.nu/a49b
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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  (208): U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!" http://tfl.nu/ttkj
  Replies (99) Good night (25090) Bad night (864) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.

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  (406): Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns. http://tfl.nu/ywpq
  Replies (42) Good night (6110) Bad night (747) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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  (949): just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will." http://tfl.nu/pn0l
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"

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  (847): i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong" http://tfl.nu/catg
  Replies (31) Good night (5691) Bad night (619) Order T-Shirt
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  (212): View more from New York

  ??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.

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  (212): ??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years. http://tfl.nu/7axl
  Replies (36) Good night (1520) Bad night (629)
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  (949): View more from California

  Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.

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  (949): Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language. http://tfl.nu/y11c
  Replies (23) Good night (4233) Bad night (584) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  We using my standards or yours?

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  (301): Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad? (443): We using my standards or yours? http://tfl.nu/agac
  Replies (7) Good night (2758) Bad night (443)
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.

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  (413): she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her. http://tfl.nu/r8ko
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  (518): View more from New York

  I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.

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  (518): I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese. http://tfl.nu/65in
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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  (416): Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home http://tfl.nu/32l0
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break

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  (317): idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break http://tfl.nu/7szo
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer

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  (713): I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer http://tfl.nu/b3qs
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it

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  (303): We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it http://tfl.nu/osby
  Replies (37) Good night (1958) Bad night (4850)
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  (+32): View more from Belgium

  We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.

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  (+32): We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers. http://tfl.nu/61q6
  Replies (13) Good night (6193) Bad night (687)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said

  (770): View more from Georgia

  she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You KNEW her power was out...

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  (404): I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said (770): she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to (404): You KNEW her power was out... http://tfl.nu/ggzc
  Replies (39) Good night (11264) Bad night (713)
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  (845): View more from New York

  i can't find my house

  (1-845): View more from New York

  we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

  (845): View more from New York

  i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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  (845): i can't find my house (1-845): we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago. (845): i'm pretty sure my house moved. http://tfl.nu/nzng
  Replies (50) Good night (12900) Bad night (1026)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.

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  (207): I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs. http://tfl.nu/5epb
  Replies (10) Good night (3622) Bad night (1416) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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  (310): i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over. http://tfl.nu/nwsy
  Replies (40) Good night (15243) Bad night (1813) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.

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  (407): You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it. http://tfl.nu/b0d6
  Replies (18) Good night (5501) Bad night (445) Order T-Shirt
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

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  (308): What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts? http://tfl.nu/w182
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.

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  (847): This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword. http://tfl.nu/au8n
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  (909): View more from California

  College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.

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  (909): College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe. http://tfl.nu/4iki
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  What does that mean?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  How when the cu k dos I yet u

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  Focus

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  (248): fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!! (1-248): What does that mean? (248): How when the cu k dos I yet u (1-248): Focus http://tfl.nu/kvgv
  Replies (13) Good night (1405) Bad night (331)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now

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  (210): He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now http://tfl.nu/2tm5
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  ok i said sorry. what else do you want?

  (740): View more from Ohio

  100 blowjobs

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  (216): ok i said sorry. what else do you want? (740): 100 blowjobs http://tfl.nu/an0u
  Replies (14) Good night (1714) Bad night (354)
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag

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  (563): Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag http://tfl.nu/f93g
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name

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  (970): At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name http://tfl.nu/d4zs
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  (714): View more from California

  I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.

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  (714): I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie. http://tfl.nu/xp3y
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I think this baby is eyeing my beer

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  (480): I think this baby is eyeing my beer http://tfl.nu/6ms6
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  (352): View more from Florida

  dude they were twins that means they were both only 17

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  (352): dude they were twins that means they were both only 17 http://tfl.nu/sodj
  Replies (36) Good night (4816) Bad night (1572) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together

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  (978): We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together http://tfl.nu/81ca
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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  (720): She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life. http://tfl.nu/paqh
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  (805): View more from California

  My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.

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  (805): My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore. http://tfl.nu/yzqd
  Replies (9) Good night (1826) Bad night (875)
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.

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  (940): Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him. http://tfl.nu/o9z5
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.

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  (630): you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car. http://tfl.nu/fzr7
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines

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  (319): i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines http://tfl.nu/w20p
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  (940): View more from Texas

  You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.

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  (940): You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata. http://tfl.nu/mqsn
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.

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  (205): Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga. http://tfl.nu/3ybq
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

  (702): View more from Nevada

  now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

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  (702): she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave. (702): now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like" http://tfl.nu/f7jt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"

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  (586): i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?" http://tfl.nu/o8h0
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.

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  (281): Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character. http://tfl.nu/f69z
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.

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  (540): Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman. http://tfl.nu/z7nz
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

  (786): View more from Florida

  How high are you right now..

  (305): View more from Florida

  I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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  (305): Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind. (786): How high are you right now.. (305): I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT. http://tfl.nu/q5i7
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.

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  (517): Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise. http://tfl.nu/o3um
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.

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  (905): Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home. http://tfl.nu/by9e
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  found the other keg... it's in the tree

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  (905): found the other keg... it's in the tree http://tfl.nu/nyfo
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.

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  (970): 3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4. http://tfl.nu/2tep
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."

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  (734): We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing." http://tfl.nu/cqut
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.

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  (314): In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk. http://tfl.nu/6bmy
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend

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  (608): Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend http://tfl.nu/d6xp
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.

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  (636): The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania. http://tfl.nu/yocg
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it

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  (773): I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it http://tfl.nu/9cts
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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  (321): Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting. http://tfl.nu/c1w6
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  (207): View more from Maine

  you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand

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  (207): you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand http://tfl.nu/om9i
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.

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  (402): I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire. http://tfl.nu/9p46
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  What are we going to do tonight?

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  What we try to do every night. Take over the world

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  (919): What are we going to do tonight? (704): What we try to do every night. Take over the world http://tfl.nu/y4va
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons

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  (720): we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons http://tfl.nu/079e
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  (516): View more from New York

  The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.

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  (516): The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving. http://tfl.nu/b59v
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.

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  (712): Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk. http://tfl.nu/ntux
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.

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  (250): I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk. http://tfl.nu/hrak
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  succeeding

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  (781): we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives? (910): succeeding http://tfl.nu/avwv
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  (772): View more from Florida

  My dream of liquor pitchers came true

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  (772): My dream of liquor pitchers came true http://tfl.nu/bhu0
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  (210): View more from Texas

  If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.

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  (210): If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings. http://tfl.nu/8q1l
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.

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  (902): you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it. http://tfl.nu/s8ya
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  (254): View more from Texas

  You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"

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  (254): You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution" http://tfl.nu/yos3
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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  (843): I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again. http://tfl.nu/1qgn
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.

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  (319): Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again. http://tfl.nu/9aen
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.

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  (812): Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was. http://tfl.nu/nuhx
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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  (708): You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half. http://tfl.nu/enxi
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.

  (972): View more from Texas

  I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.

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  (214): I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had. (972): I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes. http://tfl.nu/y4qf
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  (626): View more from California

  What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?

  (1-626): View more from California

  You have mice?

  (626): View more from California

  no why?

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  (626): What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans? (1-626): You have mice? (626): no why? http://tfl.nu/7zgo
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC

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  (304): you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC http://tfl.nu/889w
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.

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  (573): You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes. http://tfl.nu/p4s9
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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  (312): You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer. http://tfl.nu/l87h
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.

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  (215): There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am. http://tfl.nu/7bo4
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

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  (215): Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything. http://tfl.nu/hi5p
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she

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  (301): she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying (203): but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she http://tfl.nu/l9o1
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me

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  (717): got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me http://tfl.nu/g14l
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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  (859): did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring http://tfl.nu/dlju
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  (408): View more from California

  Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions

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  (408): Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions http://tfl.nu/cic0
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Yes.

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria

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  (612): You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!! (763): Yes. (612): fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria http://tfl.nu/wx8p
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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  (732): You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice http://tfl.nu/hsgc
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.

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  (801): He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark. http://tfl.nu/qvx8
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero

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  (859): Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero http://tfl.nu/5voz
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle

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  (416): that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle http://tfl.nu/ax2q
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  (516): View more from New York

  and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

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  (516): and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants http://tfl.nu/bet3
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.

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  (612): all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high. http://tfl.nu/s4fq
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.

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  (908): I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in. http://tfl.nu/z4b8
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.

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  (615): i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card. http://tfl.nu/6ciy
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life

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  (405): so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life http://tfl.nu/i5i3
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  no.

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  (404): hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer?? (1-404): no. http://tfl.nu/c4dk
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  (631): View more from New York

  we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"

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  (631): we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!" http://tfl.nu/dw66
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.

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  (404): I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced. http://tfl.nu/ok17
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.

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  (941): Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches. http://tfl.nu/ctw0
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  (760): View more from California

  If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

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  (760): If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone http://tfl.nu/69r6
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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  (314): Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee http://tfl.nu/57zq
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people

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  (732): I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people http://tfl.nu/4v2j
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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  (708): youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer http://tfl.nu/xxdd
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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  (641): I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting. http://tfl.nu/pz3u
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  (716): View more from New York

  You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.

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  (716): You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook. http://tfl.nu/wajd
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  (619): View more from California

  i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.

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  (619): i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus. http://tfl.nu/t4dv
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  (845): View more from New York

  You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.

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  (845): You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately. http://tfl.nu/vwdv
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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  (330): just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people. http://tfl.nu/iaht
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance

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  (401): The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance http://tfl.nu/1kat
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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  (203): just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you http://tfl.nu/8puo
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"

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  (704): Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?" http://tfl.nu/740o
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.

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  (952): In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves. http://tfl.nu/jfec
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.

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  (602): Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue. http://tfl.nu/w4nd
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?

  (1-905): View more from Toronto

  Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.

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  (905): You had a beer at 10:30 this morning? (1-905): Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol. http://tfl.nu/apvz
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.

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  (785): I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol. http://tfl.nu/ketb
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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  (484): we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard http://tfl.nu/y3gw
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  (718): View more from New York

  bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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  (718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts

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  (908): I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts http://tfl.nu/1w8r
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

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  (248): Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML? http://tfl.nu/ajh1
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.

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  (708): You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook. http://tfl.nu/mlr4
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  (559): View more from California

  my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.

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  (559): my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment. http://tfl.nu/sp0b
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  (415): View more from California

  the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication

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  (415): the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication http://tfl.nu/40rd
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out

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  (970): And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out http://tfl.nu/oush
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  Wtf? Why?

  (702): View more from Nevada

  I want awesome conversations to show the world.

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  (702): We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs (1-702): Wtf? Why? (702): I want awesome conversations to show the world. http://tfl.nu/kf4n
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

  (1-901): View more from Tennessee

  Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

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  (901): She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle. (1-901): Dude, if you don't take her, I will. http://tfl.nu/8ufn
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  (209): View more from California

  Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.

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  (209): Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work. http://tfl.nu/af2i
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"

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  (270): At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back" http://tfl.nu/lhve
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.

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  (610): I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs. http://tfl.nu/uj0s
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  (817): View more from Texas

  so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.

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  (817): so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring. http://tfl.nu/hdeg
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.

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  (801): Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face. http://tfl.nu/qeig
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I got "discovered a new religion high" last night

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  (214): I got "discovered a new religion high" last night http://tfl.nu/qcb6
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.

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  (817): I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number. http://tfl.nu/dwaz
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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  (517): we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/tadi
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  (661): View more from California

  the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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  (661): the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep. http://tfl.nu/zfm0
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....

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  (609): just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public.... http://tfl.nu/rq3r
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..

  (1-502): View more from Kentucky

  Aren't you in 8th grade?

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  9th, but that's not the point.

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  (502): I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school.. (1-502): Aren't you in 8th grade? (502): 9th, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/te0g
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

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  (803): I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C. http://tfl.nu/06rr
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  (415): View more from California

  Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up

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  (415): Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up http://tfl.nu/w3uw
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  (561): View more from Florida

  If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.

  (1-561): View more from Florida

  Agreed

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  (561): If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet. (1-561): Agreed http://tfl.nu/8njb
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.

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  (812): About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix. http://tfl.nu/c1od
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..

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  (785): Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine.. http://tfl.nu/247z
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.

  (1-480): View more from Arizona

  Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?

  (480): View more from Arizona

  You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.

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  (480): Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room. (1-480): Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess? (480): You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about. http://tfl.nu/fd7a
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  (716): View more from New York

  holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

  (1-716): View more from New York

  How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

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  (716): holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today ! (1-716): How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...' http://tfl.nu/v4tn
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.

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  (219): He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot. http://tfl.nu/xkom
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner

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  (847): so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner http://tfl.nu/rb90
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  (915): View more from Texas

  Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"

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  (915): Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches" http://tfl.nu/07la
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.

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  (250): I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him. http://tfl.nu/wjhp
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes

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  (713): I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes http://tfl.nu/wjig
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.

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  (913): some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night. http://tfl.nu/2xhx
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.

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  (765): he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law. http://tfl.nu/4onk
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  I had better be fucking involved with step four.

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  (614): Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez. (1-614): I had better be fucking involved with step four. http://tfl.nu/poz4
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out

  (440): View more from Ohio

  seek help.

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  (216): I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out (440): seek help. http://tfl.nu/dyh0
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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  (512): Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her. http://tfl.nu/6ypm
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.

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  (857): Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time. http://tfl.nu/rsq1
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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  (608): you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?" http://tfl.nu/0sa8
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  (585): View more from New York

  Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

  (518): View more from New York

  It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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  (585): Why was I handcuffed to the roof? (518): It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly http://tfl.nu/nk88
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  (619): View more from California

  after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.

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  (619): after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible. http://tfl.nu/hzvs
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.

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  (303): Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage. http://tfl.nu/kkp1
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Drinking in an igloo changes everything.

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  (412): Drinking in an igloo changes everything. http://tfl.nu/71hs
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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  (515): I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson" http://tfl.nu/itij
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

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  (651): All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow. http://tfl.nu/8b4m
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  You told him you loved him!?

  (1-260): View more from Indiana

  I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.

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  (260): You told him you loved him!? (1-260): I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes. http://tfl.nu/duby
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  (650): View more from California

  We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign

  (562): View more from California

  You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo

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  (650): We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign (562): You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo http://tfl.nu/9pp5
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work

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  (757): i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work http://tfl.nu/0keb
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.

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  (785): Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk. http://tfl.nu/cv1z
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  how can getting a pizza be this hard?

  (817): View more from Texas

  when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible

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  (504): how can getting a pizza be this hard? (817): when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible http://tfl.nu/zgw8
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

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  (306): I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes' http://tfl.nu/oxkp
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  she used her one phone call to ask me about my day

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  (712): she used her one phone call to ask me about my day http://tfl.nu/55gn
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Midnight walks are trippy

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.

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  (817): Midnight walks are trippy (1-817): I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon. http://tfl.nu/r0y6
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally

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  (484): seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally http://tfl.nu/s3gk
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite

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  (248): remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite http://tfl.nu/a8vx
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  (980): View more from North Carolina

  when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.

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  (980): when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space. http://tfl.nu/ayzt
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool

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  (339): he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool http://tfl.nu/n767
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...

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  (804): he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ... http://tfl.nu/7lew
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  So I'm banging this nun...

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...

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  (847): So I'm banging this nun... (314): Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already... http://tfl.nu/ygf2
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..

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  (630): Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.. http://tfl.nu/pq67
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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  (207): I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet http://tfl.nu/5wz6
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.

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  (502): I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept. http://tfl.nu/hraq
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

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  (706): Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't. http://tfl.nu/ol3k
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'

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  (757): Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome' http://tfl.nu/u586
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

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  (205): I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab. http://tfl.nu/cf76
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..

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  (781): Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22.. http://tfl.nu/txsi
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  (806): View more from Texas

  We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

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  (806): We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts. http://tfl.nu/2tox
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests

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  (214): I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests http://tfl.nu/7t18
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I really should sober up and deal with this hangover

  (941): View more from Florida

  It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though

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  (941): I really should sober up and deal with this hangover (941): It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though http://tfl.nu/cygd
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash

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  (204): My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash http://tfl.nu/m3vz
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

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  (973): i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers http://tfl.nu/mvp5
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..

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  (412): you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby.. http://tfl.nu/7gz9
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.

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  (989): I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/vt43
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.

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  (267): Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams. http://tfl.nu/lmv8
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  (210): View more from Texas

  this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!

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  (210): this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings! http://tfl.nu/x9r9
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  (707): View more from California

  just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.

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  (707): just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved. http://tfl.nu/zste
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  (925): View more from California

  im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?

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  (925): im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going? http://tfl.nu/wvih
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  (786): View more from Florida

  If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up

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  (786): If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up http://tfl.nu/h8cl
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  (858): View more from California

  There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.

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  (858): There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate. http://tfl.nu/dn5m
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  (813): View more from Florida

  If you die in college, do you die in real life?

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  (813): If you die in college, do you die in real life? http://tfl.nu/s9pw
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  (972): View more from Texas

  The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.

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  (972): The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup. http://tfl.nu/267r
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.

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  (256): I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources. http://tfl.nu/m7l9
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.

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  (512): Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had. http://tfl.nu/4hqu
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?

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  (330): Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her? http://tfl.nu/1j07
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"

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  (856): we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon" http://tfl.nu/pn3g
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.

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  (901): He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas. http://tfl.nu/264e
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.

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  (813): Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase. http://tfl.nu/k8pp
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

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  (616): So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together. http://tfl.nu/gv0c
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  (305): View more from Florida

  you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

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  (305): you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out http://tfl.nu/dfjh
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic

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  (303): Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic http://tfl.nu/n8k4
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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  (313): So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale. http://tfl.nu/y4yj
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  (650): View more from California

  Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..

  (1-650): View more from California

  You've kissed worse.

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  (650): Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms.. (1-650): You've kissed worse. http://tfl.nu/wvey
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming

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  (425): Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming http://tfl.nu/1h5t
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.

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  (303): Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper. http://tfl.nu/rq4b
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Five things that make you perfect. Go.

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.

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  (918): Five things that make you perfect. Go. (1-918): The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses. http://tfl.nu/ni7m
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  how does Santa get into Hogwarts?

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  (574): how does Santa get into Hogwarts? http://tfl.nu/z515
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.

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  (216): i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers. http://tfl.nu/za5f
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college

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  (541): for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college http://tfl.nu/6h6z
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Being persistent has its perks my friend.

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  (609): I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking. (215): Being persistent has its perks my friend. http://tfl.nu/wzcm
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care

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  (503): just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care http://tfl.nu/jaq9
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  Are you high?

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  (630): Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"? (1-630): Are you high? http://tfl.nu/3xxd
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.

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  (314): I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness. http://tfl.nu/5pr0
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  just woke up in my neighbors garage.

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

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  (931): just woke up in my neighbors garage. (931): scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage. http://tfl.nu/x40j
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.

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  (703): we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker. http://tfl.nu/rqvi
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke

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  (317): Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke http://tfl.nu/o61t
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  ... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.

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  (816): ... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night. (314): I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it. http://tfl.nu/jfox
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics

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  (773): I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics http://tfl.nu/o0a3
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.

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  (613): So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely. http://tfl.nu/77c9
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.

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  (906): So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work. http://tfl.nu/cih1
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

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  (412): Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me. http://tfl.nu/z6ig
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.

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  (918): At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis. http://tfl.nu/wydm
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.

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  (540): i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective. http://tfl.nu/c9ng
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  (518): View more from New York

  Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.

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  (518): Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf. http://tfl.nu/6o5h
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  (949): View more from California

  you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."

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  (949): you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller." http://tfl.nu/aw6q
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.

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  (804): I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore. http://tfl.nu/hody
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...

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  (479): Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school... http://tfl.nu/5amt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was

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  (919): I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was http://tfl.nu/prge
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song

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  (804): i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song http://tfl.nu/watz
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  Yeah, but four times?

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  (702): Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it. (1-702): Yeah, but four times? http://tfl.nu/x8r7
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.

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  (204): all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future. http://tfl.nu/ob1b
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.

  (1-615): View more from Tennessee

  Anal.

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  (615): I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people. (1-615): Anal. http://tfl.nu/eagl
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I feel like death. Did you die last night?

  (305): View more from Florida

  Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus

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  (859): I feel like death. Did you die last night? (305): Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta! (859): unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus http://tfl.nu/lgid
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  honey you're def caucasian

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z

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  (704): i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann (803): honey you're def caucasian (704): i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z http://tfl.nu/jt3t
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  (516): View more from New York

  i have one question about last night

  (646): View more from New York

  if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain

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  (516): i have one question about last night (646): if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain http://tfl.nu/69sr
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  (631): View more from New York

  im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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  (631): im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies http://tfl.nu/qgfc
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.

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  (904): I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once. http://tfl.nu/u86e
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  (626): View more from California

  You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.

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  (626): You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I. http://tfl.nu/6sde
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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  (480): A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card. http://tfl.nu/fah6
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.

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  (613): you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there. http://tfl.nu/1v1m
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked

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  (613): I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked http://tfl.nu/dann
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.

  (319): View more from Iowa

  Good thing spelling doesn't count.

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  (641): I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test. (319): Good thing spelling doesn't count. http://tfl.nu/8f4i
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar

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  (703): I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar http://tfl.nu/9wq5
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different

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  (937): I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different http://tfl.nu/6y7e
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.

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  (515): Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs. (402): but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs. http://tfl.nu/7170
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.

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  (678): while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF. http://tfl.nu/huje
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  (253): View more from Washington

  once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.

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  (253): once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced. http://tfl.nu/7kbq
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

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  (973): his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed http://tfl.nu/wvyq
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  (516): View more from New York

  The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

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  (516): The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina". http://tfl.nu/tnih
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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  (706): They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods http://tfl.nu/a68f
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  (954): View more from Florida

  you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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  (954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now http://tfl.nu/39yk
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands

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  (617): the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands http://tfl.nu/ha5y
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.

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  (865): You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce. http://tfl.nu/u88l
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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  (334): This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back. http://tfl.nu/st6c
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

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  (908): It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers http://tfl.nu/97ey
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  (407): View more from Florida

  If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.

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  (407): If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that. http://tfl.nu/f0c3
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch

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  (812): Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch http://tfl.nu/sdde
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I have a critically important question to ask.

  (519): View more from Ontario

  Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

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  (519): I have a critically important question to ask. (519): Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist? http://tfl.nu/val5
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

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  (+44): At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever. http://tfl.nu/bxy4
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.

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  (616): our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time. http://tfl.nu/fvgl
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Intervention is following me on twitter.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  wow.

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  (908): Intervention is following me on twitter. (440): wow. http://tfl.nu/4vti
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.

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  (337): Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night. http://tfl.nu/5kyl
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol

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  (330): So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol http://tfl.nu/6yav
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics

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  (302): You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics http://tfl.nu/cuw1
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.

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  (703): The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe. http://tfl.nu/6izf
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  (530): View more from California

  I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS

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  (530): I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS http://tfl.nu/jjgj
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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  (262): what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser http://tfl.nu/r42a
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.

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  (339): just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth. http://tfl.nu/ap45
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.

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  (773): well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it. http://tfl.nu/vp9s
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.

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  (941): I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch. http://tfl.nu/0s5t
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Alarm just got pulled in my exam

  (517): View more from Michigan

  Swear it wasn't me

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  (517): Alarm just got pulled in my exam (517): Swear it wasn't me http://tfl.nu/3yrm
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  (214): View more from Texas

  You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.

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  (214): You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters. http://tfl.nu/nfga
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!

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  (859): Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi! http://tfl.nu/jfyt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?

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  (703): If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house? http://tfl.nu/eww0
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.

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  (208): My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him. http://tfl.nu/oqtn
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.

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  (410): new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle. http://tfl.nu/lcrv
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"

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  (248): They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick" http://tfl.nu/5fi0
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store

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  (617): there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store http://tfl.nu/cjt7
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.

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  (203): You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace. http://tfl.nu/24s5
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  (714): View more from California

  Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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  (714): Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me http://tfl.nu/5ujc
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world

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  (513): i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world http://tfl.nu/tdpx
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  did you know it's going to storm tonight?

  (630): View more from Illinois

  You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.

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  (630): Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister? (1-630): did you know it's going to storm tonight? (630): You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser. http://tfl.nu/f4jc
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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  (610): you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask http://tfl.nu/pl36
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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  (416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night http://tfl.nu/f5gl
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  (818): View more from California

  i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...

  (805): View more from California

  i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"

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  (818): i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday... (805): i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it" http://tfl.nu/3fjc
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .

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  (416): i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high . http://tfl.nu/d43n
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.

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  (954): Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency. http://tfl.nu/gvbc
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."

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  (720): He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples." http://tfl.nu/rub1
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"

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  (208): when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers" http://tfl.nu/yspu
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

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  (630): We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed. http://tfl.nu/qpmm
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I know, I was there.

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  (443): sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends (336): I know, I was there. http://tfl.nu/9p97
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.

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  (520): I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children. http://tfl.nu/78i9
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  (585): View more from New York

  He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

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  (585): He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius. http://tfl.nu/hqjt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test

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  (847): Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test http://tfl.nu/tst5
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  (469): View more from Texas

  You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.

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  (469): You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that. http://tfl.nu/9raa
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...

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  (719): I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel... http://tfl.nu/j6ej
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?

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  (802): Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok? http://tfl.nu/nera
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Previous statement retracted.

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  (864): If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay. (828): Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner (864): Previous statement retracted. http://tfl.nu/e7pe
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.

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  (570): so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party. http://tfl.nu/bja2
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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  (724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am. http://tfl.nu/33o2
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"

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  (636): On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge" http://tfl.nu/w12y
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  he should get drunk with us

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  (610): walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant (1-610): he should get drunk with us http://tfl.nu/datt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol

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  (513): Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol http://tfl.nu/0mrj
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?

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  (203): i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today? http://tfl.nu/2t0w
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.

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  (765): 4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84. http://tfl.nu/2w31
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.

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  (864): Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you. http://tfl.nu/wybw
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes

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  (419): I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes http://tfl.nu/4b4j
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone

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  (404): i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone http://tfl.nu/jdpw
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.

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  (630): She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her. http://tfl.nu/01f3
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.

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  (573): They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt. http://tfl.nu/azqc
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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  (870): He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed." http://tfl.nu/z9xx
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Hi, my name's audrey!

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Max?

  (740): View more from Ohio

  Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.

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  (740): Hi, my name's audrey! (614): Max? (740): Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk. http://tfl.nu/di7n
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  (917): View more from New York City

  i puked in the mini-firdge

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  we don't have a mini-fridge?

  (917): View more from New York City

  bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that

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  (917): i puked in the mini-firdge (201): we don't have a mini-fridge? (917): bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that http://tfl.nu/0lys
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.

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  (217): haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it. http://tfl.nu/2m8n
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.

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  (440): My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol. http://tfl.nu/vdrg
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  (530): View more from California

  Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'

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  (530): Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober' http://tfl.nu/1n5d
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.

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  (202): We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible. http://tfl.nu/l361
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.

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  (775): A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins. http://tfl.nu/j7t3
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  (310): View more from California

  He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

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  (310): He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna http://tfl.nu/tldl
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.

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  (702): you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly. http://tfl.nu/rajr
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.

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  (817): I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone. http://tfl.nu/zv8s
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  all we need is a web designer

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  and a bunch of prostitutes

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  (973): all we need is a web designer (1-973): and a bunch of prostitutes http://tfl.nu/pfgf
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  where are my pants?

  (1-219): View more from Indiana

  you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm

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  (219): where are my pants? (1-219): you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm http://tfl.nu/h936
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  (949): View more from California

  she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

  (949): View more from California

  little did she know i was taping her the whole time.

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  (949): she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket." (949): little did she know i was taping her the whole time. http://tfl.nu/jcur
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding

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  (847): i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding http://tfl.nu/srhr
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  (631): View more from New York

  lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon

  (1-631): View more from New York

  wow.

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  (631): lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon (1-631): wow. http://tfl.nu/6n98
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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  (314): he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting" http://tfl.nu/dmjy
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.

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  (484): Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd. http://tfl.nu/wjyh
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

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  (303): Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !! (832): Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless. http://tfl.nu/apa0
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  (207): View more from Maine

  so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.

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  (207): so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out. http://tfl.nu/wz4e
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  (347): View more from New York

  Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"

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  (347): Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight" http://tfl.nu/561l
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.

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  (843): GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head. http://tfl.nu/4n4o
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  (951): View more from California

  His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format

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  (951): His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format http://tfl.nu/g7e8
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this

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  (304): enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this http://tfl.nu/89bx
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.

  (305): View more from Florida

  Did you save them?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Who?

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  (404): Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning. (305): Did you save them? (404): Who? http://tfl.nu/1xdf
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  (661): View more from California

  Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.

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  (661): Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me. http://tfl.nu/1wv6
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.

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  (203): i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german. http://tfl.nu/cfoz
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  (214): View more from Texas

  does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??

  (817): View more from Texas

  dude, everything can mix, this is college.

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  (214): does wine, beer, and vodka mix well?? (817): dude, everything can mix, this is college. http://tfl.nu/mqi0
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK

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  (508): Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK http://tfl.nu/0izu
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?

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  (703): I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans? http://tfl.nu/gwsp
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success

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  (978): Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success http://tfl.nu/y2pz
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap

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  (425): Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap http://tfl.nu/z2b9
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.

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  (480): turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way. http://tfl.nu/4k3o
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  (631): View more from New York

  Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...

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  (631): Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit... http://tfl.nu/oz8a
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities

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  (812): i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities http://tfl.nu/t8hr
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  And that worked?

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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  (919): So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night. (1-919): And that worked? (919): 9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards. http://tfl.nu/moso
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  (650): View more from California

  I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

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  (650): I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats. http://tfl.nu/rm40
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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  (775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal. http://tfl.nu/j0la
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  (619): View more from California

  Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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  (619): Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes. http://tfl.nu/4wgk
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning

  (410): View more from Maryland

  how does that even happen??

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  (610): you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning (410): how does that even happen?? http://tfl.nu/16pg
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows

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  (480): I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows http://tfl.nu/5bqe
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.

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  (313): you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs. http://tfl.nu/cddz
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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  (506): I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer? (902): the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka. http://tfl.nu/rxlv
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day

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  (978): i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day http://tfl.nu/1bya
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"

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  (201): He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?" http://tfl.nu/srbv
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

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  (210): Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO. http://tfl.nu/ip2n
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss

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  (847): True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss http://tfl.nu/8437
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel

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  (484): Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel http://tfl.nu/fa0o
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.

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  (401): I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy. http://tfl.nu/4ar4
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I love boston

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  (781): The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH (781): I love boston http://tfl.nu/jz0y
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  (925): View more from California

  So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.

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  (925): So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made. http://tfl.nu/hust
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.

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  (832): Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night. http://tfl.nu/2nh3
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Are my feet made of real feet?

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  (740): Are my feet made of real feet? http://tfl.nu/dext
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  (954): View more from Florida

  you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week

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  (954): you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week http://tfl.nu/vx1e
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  (925): View more from California

  i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit

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  (925): i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit http://tfl.nu/r71a
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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  (920): Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep. http://tfl.nu/o54g
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  i can juggle bunnies

  (1-802): View more from Vermont

  cool

  (802): View more from Vermont

  on fire

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  (802): i can juggle bunnies (1-802): cool (802): on fire http://tfl.nu/wqba
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers

  (440): View more from Ohio

  its only a rough draft.

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  (513): thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers (440): its only a rough draft. http://tfl.nu/pfud
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.

  (518): View more from New York

  I am in love with you.

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  (203): Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think. (518): I am in love with you. http://tfl.nu/yy5e
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha

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  (330): You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha http://tfl.nu/wuor
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  (916): View more from California

  Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?

  (760): View more from California

  You are my hero

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  (916): Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI? (760): You are my hero http://tfl.nu/9mtt
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  (516): View more from New York

  Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

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  (516): Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me... http://tfl.nu/nenj
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.

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  (219): Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream. http://tfl.nu/v6je
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'

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  (630): I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..' http://tfl.nu/mj73
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Dude, I just rear-ended a cab

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Are you drunk?

  (770): View more from Georgia

  A little...yes

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Run!

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Terrible brother advice.

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  (770): Dude, I just rear-ended a cab (404): Are you drunk? (770): A little...yes (404): Run! (770): Terrible brother advice. http://tfl.nu/gq63
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  (209): View more from California

  do you want me to make hamburgers?

  (541): View more from Oregon

  i'm vegan

  (209): View more from California

  i'll put lettuce on them

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  (209): do you want me to make hamburgers? (541): i'm vegan (209): i'll put lettuce on them http://tfl.nu/hb72
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  (979): View more from Texas

  We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

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  (979): We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it. http://tfl.nu/1cxu
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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  (804): finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets. http://tfl.nu/gp9t
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.

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  (770): Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces. http://tfl.nu/5t2e
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night

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  (610): There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night http://tfl.nu/8wbo
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i hate you

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  (330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you http://tfl.nu/9cj0
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!

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  (712): My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN! http://tfl.nu/er39
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.

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  (401): i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much. http://tfl.nu/qwgv
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.

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  (204): You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head. http://tfl.nu/a92s
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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  (305): I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave. http://tfl.nu/m7xq
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  (315): View more from New York

  a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"

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  (315): a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop" http://tfl.nu/57y7
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  (214): View more from Texas

  would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry

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  (214): would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry http://tfl.nu/l5su
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  (213): View more from California

  Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.

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  (213): Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans. http://tfl.nu/11hu
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face

  (1-334): View more from Alabama

  so you're single again?

  (334): View more from Alabama

  yea but it was worth it

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  (334): i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face (1-334): so you're single again? (334): yea but it was worth it http://tfl.nu/2tzr
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.

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  (204): at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess. http://tfl.nu/unws
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.

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  (630): I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive. http://tfl.nu/za3k
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...

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  (303): Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks... http://tfl.nu/ccgl
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  (845): View more from New York

  You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

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  (845): You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake. http://tfl.nu/r8rw
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  (407): View more from Florida

  im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.

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  (407): im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes (1-407): i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes. http://tfl.nu/3nr6
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  (518): View more from New York

  I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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  (518): I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being. http://tfl.nu/lv2s
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious

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  (908): he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious http://tfl.nu/30k1
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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  (801): Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks. http://tfl.nu/8eyu
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.

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  (781): I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on. http://tfl.nu/begu
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  (407): View more from Florida

  It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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  (407): It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest. http://tfl.nu/ndz5
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  (315): View more from New York

  I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.

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  (315): I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever. http://tfl.nu/6dcd
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  (845): View more from New York

  Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"

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  (845): Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!" http://tfl.nu/ndk1
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  (415): View more from California

  they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..

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  (415): they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car.. http://tfl.nu/4cqo
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

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  (908): how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer? http://tfl.nu/a07e
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur

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  (410): she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur http://tfl.nu/hhzt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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  (410): I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas. http://tfl.nu/b72z
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  We're doing a case race on Saturday.

  (302): View more from Delaware

  I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"

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  (301): We're doing a case race on Saturday. (302): I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism" http://tfl.nu/1jnr
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  (631): View more from New York

  Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

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  (631): Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again... http://tfl.nu/fuha
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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  (705): All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail. http://tfl.nu/tpxz
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  is that a poem?!

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  (612): Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls (763): is that a poem?! http://tfl.nu/h29o
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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  (203): You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly. http://tfl.nu/n1s3
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.

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  (443): Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER. http://tfl.nu/iqvs
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time

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  (248): I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time http://tfl.nu/uesv
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.

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  (803): Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine. http://tfl.nu/e72g
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place

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  (701): entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place http://tfl.nu/zqzf
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.

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  (289): The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight. http://tfl.nu/z22w
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy

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  (847): i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy http://tfl.nu/8awt
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

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  (514): He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic. http://tfl.nu/4dpi
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace

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  (540): The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace http://tfl.nu/i9ng
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  (214): View more from Texas

  only if we run a train.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  done.

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  (214): only if we run a train. (1-214): done. http://tfl.nu/x860
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good

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  (413): well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good http://tfl.nu/4dfc
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything

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  (815): yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything http://tfl.nu/8gpe
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  (760): View more from California

  I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

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  (760): I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart (508): These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work http://tfl.nu/sac2
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  (406): View more from Montana

  He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night

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  (406): He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night http://tfl.nu/scut
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.

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  (941): I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass. http://tfl.nu/wkll
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...

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  (603): So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts... http://tfl.nu/9w6o
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"

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  (502): The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!" http://tfl.nu/u8jk
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.

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  (206): Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial. http://tfl.nu/2fb2
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  (415): View more from California

  Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?

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  (415): Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it? http://tfl.nu/bvee
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?

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  (301): Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands? http://tfl.nu/6ufe
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.

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  (734): I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire. http://tfl.nu/kkrz
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance

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  (918): Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance http://tfl.nu/628h
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.

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  (810): That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head. (810): I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again. http://tfl.nu/3d2e
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.

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  (423): I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover. http://tfl.nu/w5jl
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.

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  (303): At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends. (1-303): At about the same time you guys weren't burritos. http://tfl.nu/mxci
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.

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  (571): capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid. http://tfl.nu/gx7i
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.

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  (706): we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating. http://tfl.nu/lk5p
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won

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  (262): Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won http://tfl.nu/cdx8
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.

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  (404): I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00. http://tfl.nu/7rzt
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  (786): View more from Florida

  He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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  (786): He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets." http://tfl.nu/13ll
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.

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  (304): he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding. http://tfl.nu/d3lt
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  (949): View more from California

  so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"

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  (949): so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later" http://tfl.nu/dpva
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired

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  (314): The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired http://tfl.nu/0mk4
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.

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  (410): I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time. http://tfl.nu/uvgg
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  (646): View more from New York

  She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."

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  (646): She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers." http://tfl.nu/lbn1
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder

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  (218): Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder http://tfl.nu/zi03
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  (916): View more from California

  I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"

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  (916): I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much" http://tfl.nu/mqwd
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

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  (513): Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch. http://tfl.nu/dpne
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome

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  (303): there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome http://tfl.nu/x7k0
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  (650): View more from California

  I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.

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  (650): I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it. http://tfl.nu/8v3x
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

  (1-405): View more from Oklahoma

  i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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  (405): i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it. (1-405): i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. " http://tfl.nu/mvrv
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.

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  (519): DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS. http://tfl.nu/77gw
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.

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  (706): the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not. http://tfl.nu/av9b
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  (707): View more from California

  the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.

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  (707): the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him. http://tfl.nu/x6kf
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  (914): View more from New York

  i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.

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  (914): i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls. http://tfl.nu/57re
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  (954): View more from Florida

  hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

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  (954): hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot. http://tfl.nu/3jpd
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  (305): View more from Florida

  It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.

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  (305): It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me. http://tfl.nu/n11o
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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  (412): How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body? (1-412): Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit http://tfl.nu/2oue
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney

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  (215): Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney http://tfl.nu/cbnm
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that

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  (336): If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that http://tfl.nu/zg2p
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave

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  (781): I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave http://tfl.nu/vjg2
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.

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  (905): MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it. http://tfl.nu/mzwz
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers

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  (231): we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers http://tfl.nu/anad
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I can get orange kush...

  (586): View more from Michigan

  GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!

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  (313): I can get orange kush... (586): GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?! http://tfl.nu/voiy
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  (904): View more from Florida

  bring the vodka.

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

  (904): View more from Florida

  we are.

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  (904): bring the vodka. (1-904): i thought we were going to mcdonalds..? (904): we are. http://tfl.nu/1144
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?

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  (248): I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you? http://tfl.nu/mhei
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.

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  (928): Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting. http://tfl.nu/1dh0
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  (831): View more from California

  There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.

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  (831): There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college. http://tfl.nu/9iax
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  (650): View more from California

  after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

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  (650): after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you http://tfl.nu/blf7
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?

  (1-506): View more from New Brunswick

  Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to

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  (506): Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh? (1-506): Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to http://tfl.nu/xpu9
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"

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  (815): my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway" http://tfl.nu/9cdg
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.

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  (864): We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use. http://tfl.nu/kk0h
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.

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  (712): i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat. http://tfl.nu/sn6a
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  (512): View more from Texas

  he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.

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  (512): he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success. http://tfl.nu/9rt5
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Nobody is perfect

  (816): View more from Missouri

  I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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  (816): I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page. (913): Nobody is perfect (816): I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other http://tfl.nu/yd5r
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  (850): View more from Florida

  "Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?

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  (850): "Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW? http://tfl.nu/ng2t
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely

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  (317): it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely http://tfl.nu/75r5
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears

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  (505): the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears http://tfl.nu/h30c
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat

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  (803): If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat http://tfl.nu/80p4
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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  (208): why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never. http://tfl.nu/g58g
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon

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  (507): All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon http://tfl.nu/xv5b
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

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  (860): So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever. http://tfl.nu/64bh
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.

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  (808): Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high. http://tfl.nu/emp7
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  (951): View more from California

  Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.

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  (951): Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor. http://tfl.nu/e2p4
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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  (440): Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried http://tfl.nu/9dr3
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.

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  (210): I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours. http://tfl.nu/n5xc
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

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  (817): I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts. http://tfl.nu/7tmi
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.

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  (717): dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high. http://tfl.nu/gyij
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.

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  (856): smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life. http://tfl.nu/69tk
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Kareoke will never be a sober sport

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  (702): Kareoke will never be a sober sport http://tfl.nu/39pw
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"

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  (636): we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle" http://tfl.nu/m65a
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

  (206): View more from Washington

  You are the luckiest man alive

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  (801): Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first (206): You are the luckiest man alive http://tfl.nu/uh0h
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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  (918): And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2. http://tfl.nu/m96w
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.

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  (973): we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical. http://tfl.nu/h352
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  (516): View more from New York

  I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...

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  (516): I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero... http://tfl.nu/d5tx
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"

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  (778): we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza" http://tfl.nu/yszc
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.

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  (440): we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now. http://tfl.nu/0eqq
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.

  (1-937): View more from Ohio

  it's love

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  (937): she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat. (1-937): it's love http://tfl.nu/getj
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  how do you spell 'special'? like slow?

  (210): View more from Texas

  S P E L L C H E C K

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  No you dumbass thats not right

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  (808): how do you spell 'special'? like slow? (210): S P E L L C H E C K (808): No you dumbass thats not right http://tfl.nu/z6b5
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.

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  (608): Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him. http://tfl.nu/b6v7
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.

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  (203): We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved. http://tfl.nu/1hyb
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  im getting a BJ in a closet

  (205): View more from Alabama

  and a penguin just handed me a bong

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  (205): im getting a BJ in a closet (205): and a penguin just handed me a bong http://tfl.nu/oarm
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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  (703): Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him http://tfl.nu/ek6e
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.

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  (817): Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period. http://tfl.nu/d1q3
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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  (403): Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me. http://tfl.nu/6qnx
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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  (330): The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life. http://tfl.nu/g5ok
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.

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  (623): I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit. http://tfl.nu/pl0y
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this

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  (218): he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this http://tfl.nu/jsty
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  (585): View more from New York

  Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.

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  (585): Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven. http://tfl.nu/xlkq
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.

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  (780): She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile. http://tfl.nu/gnnf
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.

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  (312): Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired. http://tfl.nu/6uiz
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in

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  (514): Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in http://tfl.nu/gix0
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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  (330): You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox. http://tfl.nu/xeau
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.

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  (309): stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof. http://tfl.nu/lut1
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  (714): View more from California

  dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"

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  (714): dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes" http://tfl.nu/s663
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.

  (1-810): View more from Michigan

  that probably didn't help your case.

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  (810): When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing. (1-810): that probably didn't help your case. http://tfl.nu/4tll
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....

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  (504): Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache (225): You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice (504): Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time? (225): I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz.... http://tfl.nu/t0ng
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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  (816): She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit? http://tfl.nu/kt2r
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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  (610): Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this http://tfl.nu/fwmk
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.

  (630): View more from Illinois

  just thought you should know her name is kristen

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  (630): the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me. (630): just thought you should know her name is kristen http://tfl.nu/a2dg
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?

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  (609): we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding? http://tfl.nu/9jac
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  (406): View more from Montana

  she pinky promised me she was 18

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  (406): she pinky promised me she was 18 http://tfl.nu/cbo2
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  (940): View more from Texas

  She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.

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  (940): She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one. http://tfl.nu/4xsk
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke

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  (905): Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke http://tfl.nu/irbx
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  (904): View more from Florida

  the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing

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  (904): the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing http://tfl.nu/38nr
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays

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  (224): Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays http://tfl.nu/pg2c
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.

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  (610): I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral. http://tfl.nu/xbiu
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

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  (513): I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen. http://tfl.nu/9jnz
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.

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  (810): There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry. http://tfl.nu/kj1j
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  (716): View more from New York

  That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.

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  (716): That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude. http://tfl.nu/2xpl
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  (646): View more from New York

  all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.

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  (646): all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries. http://tfl.nu/485r
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  (518): View more from New York

  You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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  (518): You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops http://tfl.nu/ldeo
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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  (724): btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die. http://tfl.nu/rrxi
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  (510): View more from California

  I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.

  (1-510): View more from California

  It was probably Jesus.

  (510): View more from California

  I feel like he would have left a message.

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  (510): I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number. (1-510): It was probably Jesus. (510): I feel like he would have left a message. http://tfl.nu/w24x
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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  (814): All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles. http://tfl.nu/duc8
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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  (843): Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true http://tfl.nu/y8hf
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.

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  (440): Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place. http://tfl.nu/kait
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  (425): View more from Washington

  You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.

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  (425): You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option. http://tfl.nu/ipw1
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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  (313): Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ" http://tfl.nu/pk0t
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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  (410): Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA! http://tfl.nu/7pku
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.

  (586): View more from Michigan

  It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them

  (586): View more from Michigan

  Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high

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  (586): There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction. (586): It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them (586): Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high http://tfl.nu/t60g
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  (850): View more from Florida

  You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer

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  (850): You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer http://tfl.nu/uk5v
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

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  (978): i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven http://tfl.nu/9auj
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  it's 1 pm.

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  (203): i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words. (1-203): it's 1 pm. http://tfl.nu/0ewp
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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  (205): you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!! http://tfl.nu/1wys
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  (914): View more from New York

  Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

  (914): View more from New York

  Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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  (914): Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem (914): Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty. http://tfl.nu/8j05
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.

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  (978): bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/o1ww
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.

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  (651): That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish. http://tfl.nu/pnvl
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  (343): View more from Ontario

  His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted

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  (343): His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted http://tfl.nu/gnt2
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.

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  (217): You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information. http://tfl.nu/61w8
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me

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  (973): RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO (908) dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me http://tfl.nu/s889
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?

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  (617): What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you? http://tfl.nu/svb6
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal

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  (816): You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal http://tfl.nu/06xx
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  (936): View more from Texas

  Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.

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  (936): Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/amif
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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  (503): we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass. http://tfl.nu/xi9h
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.

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  (720): You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer. http://tfl.nu/ndy8
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I don't wanna die...

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  (423): I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!! (615): I don't wanna die... http://tfl.nu/h1ht
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest

  (248): View more from Michigan

  If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does

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  (248): Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest (248): If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does http://tfl.nu/2sf6
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  drunk me is so punny.

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  (803): so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life. (843): drunk me is so punny. http://tfl.nu/qdzv
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  (212): View more from New York

  guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME

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  (212): guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME http://tfl.nu/dcck
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  (281): View more from Texas

  i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets

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  (281): i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets http://tfl.nu/eja8
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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  (919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon. http://tfl.nu/tzl9
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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  (703): swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back." (202): buy whatever she's on. a lot of it. http://tfl.nu/b6gr
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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  (301): Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort. http://tfl.nu/ivbh
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  (585): View more from New York

  ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried

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  (585): ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried http://tfl.nu/b5zu
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

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  (205): woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers (1-205): yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness.... http://tfl.nu/wnn7
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  (619): View more from California

  DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES

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  (619): DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES http://tfl.nu/9dpy
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  (917): View more from New York City

  so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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  (917): so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style http://tfl.nu/9r5x
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.

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  (704): It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie. http://tfl.nu/rp9b
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?

  (1-812): View more from Indiana

  All of them

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  (812): McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want? (1-812): All of them http://tfl.nu/mhdi
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.

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  (513): So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations. http://tfl.nu/znj0
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  (650): View more from California

  on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.

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  (650): on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag. http://tfl.nu/s17l
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  (512): View more from Texas

  just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  pretty standard. you have fun last night?

  (512): View more from Texas

  apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.

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  (512): just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long? (1-512): pretty standard. you have fun last night? (512): apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean? (1-512): typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat. http://tfl.nu/ntbz
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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  (902): You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear" http://tfl.nu/r2vo
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?

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  (503): He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off? http://tfl.nu/40hd
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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  (224): so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now. http://tfl.nu/4hn1
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (310): View more from California

  Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb

  (209): View more from California

  it's ELEVEN

  (310): View more from California

  thirty

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  (310): Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb (209): it's ELEVEN (310): thirty http://tfl.nu/ukrj
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  (424): View more from California

  he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety

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  (424): he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety http://tfl.nu/36fw
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  (801): View more from Utah

  so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me

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  (801): so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me http://tfl.nu/is24
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  (845): View more from New York

  He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love

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  (845): He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love http://tfl.nu/i52c
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Probably.

  (216): View more from Ohio

  I'm in.

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  (216): Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word? (440): Probably. (216): I'm in. http://tfl.nu/bl31
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  (845): View more from New York

  Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo

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  (845): Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo http://tfl.nu/oxyw
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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  (850): Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos. http://tfl.nu/15bf
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.

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  (+44): Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman. http://tfl.nu/smcd
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

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  (785): Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites http://tfl.nu/fquq
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.

  (804): View more from Virginia

  i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.

  (786): View more from Florida

  that would mean it's on tape

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  (804): i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately. (804): i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof. (786): that would mean it's on tape http://tfl.nu/zipf
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.

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  (215): Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire. http://tfl.nu/xwgk
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"

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  (910): You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?" http://tfl.nu/kb6v
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  dude do u know what u did last night?

  (1-309): View more from Illinois

  do i wanna know???

  (309): View more from Illinois

  you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...

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  (309): dude do u know what u did last night? (1-309): do i wanna know??? (309): you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room... http://tfl.nu/9b63
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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  (508): the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me http://tfl.nu/ptyo
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  (562): View more from California

  If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

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  (562): If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up http://tfl.nu/jdv3
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is

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  (404): you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is http://tfl.nu/bwe9
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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  (703): Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches... http://tfl.nu/6ywp
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.

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  (630): my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise. http://tfl.nu/s84e
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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  (219): rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them http://tfl.nu/zf3d
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

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  (313): Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone. http://tfl.nu/vfbd
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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  (817): Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him. http://tfl.nu/25q8
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay

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  (647): Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay http://tfl.nu/st3m
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  (509): View more from Washington

  My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.

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  (509): My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment. http://tfl.nu/j2q1
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  (408): View more from California

  Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.

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  (408): Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding. http://tfl.nu/o5ps
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  sounds like you fell off the wagon.

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.

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  (617): sounds like you fell off the wagon. (1-617): fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon. http://tfl.nu/7sjj
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  (518): View more from New York

  I hraet yuo

  (862): View more from New Jersey

  did you say you heart me or hate me?

  (518): View more from New York

  who is this?

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  (518): I hraet yuo (862): did you say you heart me or hate me? (518): who is this? http://tfl.nu/kdsg
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  (323): View more from California

  Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.

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  (323): Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong. http://tfl.nu/sxrt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests

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  (973): Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests http://tfl.nu/b1y9
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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  (250): A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja http://tfl.nu/h6o5
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.

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  (586): just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me. http://tfl.nu/oae8
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?

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  (407): I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!? http://tfl.nu/85fy
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am

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  (604): The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am http://tfl.nu/p2ec
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.

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  (478): you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome. http://tfl.nu/9omq
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  what?

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn

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  (612): i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn (952): what? (612): i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn http://tfl.nu/vdma
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.

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  (937): you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half. http://tfl.nu/qnaa
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.

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  (613): You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese. http://tfl.nu/lvqg
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.

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  (401): Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon. http://tfl.nu/lhyu
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  (916): View more from California

  Hey you

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?

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  (916): Hey you (732): You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up? http://tfl.nu/ejs0
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too

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  (360): I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too http://tfl.nu/ui5h
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  (626): View more from California

  Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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  (626): Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is. http://tfl.nu/41jw
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.

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  (517): All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop. http://tfl.nu/gnt9
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"

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  (215): Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober" http://tfl.nu/vzc2
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

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  (724): i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that. http://tfl.nu/tj9k
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"

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  (503): my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal" http://tfl.nu/pkcw
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  (858): View more from California

  Umm I'm too high to move.

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  (858): Umm I'm too high to move. http://tfl.nu/ye5s
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla

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  (201): dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla http://tfl.nu/0yq4
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.

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  (302): I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that. http://tfl.nu/9h2q
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  (564): View more from Washington

  I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.

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  (564): I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home. http://tfl.nu/c3b2
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  "Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"

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  (905): "Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends" http://tfl.nu/crxa
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.

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  (469): Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate. http://tfl.nu/3qld
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?

  (1-301): View more from Maryland

  hey.....beach week happens

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  (301): About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ? (1-301): hey.....beach week happens http://tfl.nu/0seh
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was

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  (203): She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was http://tfl.nu/dgtk
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  and what did he say?

  (614): View more from Ohio

  there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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  (614): yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world. (1-614): and what did he say? (614): there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning. http://tfl.nu/xi47
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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  (815): Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself. http://tfl.nu/xo78
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer

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  (732): just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer http://tfl.nu/hop7
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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  (843): He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name. http://tfl.nu/s3qy
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  (716): View more from New York

  People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

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  (716): People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz http://tfl.nu/sutg
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed

  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  you smoke with your eyes?

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  (203): i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed (787): you smoke with your eyes? http://tfl.nu/xom7
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.

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  (609): Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine. http://tfl.nu/cx6r
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  details please.

  (317): View more from Indiana

  they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."

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  (317): dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life. (1-317): details please. (317): they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first." http://tfl.nu/d384
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.

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  (314): Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though. http://tfl.nu/zzah
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable

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  (208): Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable http://tfl.nu/e1k3
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.

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  (705): She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air. http://tfl.nu/d5pp
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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  (267): He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever. http://tfl.nu/526w
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  (415): View more from California

  well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart

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  (415): well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart http://tfl.nu/6v8e
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.

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  (612): We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk. http://tfl.nu/j1no
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk

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  (301): Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk http://tfl.nu/lzse
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  (626): View more from California

  in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"

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  (626): in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to" http://tfl.nu/ga0k
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  (562): View more from California

  it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with

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  (562): it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with http://tfl.nu/2rwe
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

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  (262): I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home http://tfl.nu/gzni
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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  (860): i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty. http://tfl.nu/tep7
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.

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  (214): Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer. http://tfl.nu/r45y
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.

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  (940): Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented. http://tfl.nu/jb6b
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  (949): View more from California

  you made cement angels. it was a great sight.

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  (949): you made cement angels. it was a great sight. http://tfl.nu/etc6
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  what was i wearing?

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  nothing

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  (203): you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress' (508): what was i wearing? (203): nothing http://tfl.nu/2bg6
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  (626): View more from California

  you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys

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  (626): you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys http://tfl.nu/7ncb
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real

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  (215): these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real http://tfl.nu/vc07
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy

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  (574): He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy http://tfl.nu/cwdv
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

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  (513): I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this. http://tfl.nu/ok35
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.

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  (678): I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI. http://tfl.nu/868g
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!

  (616): View more from Michigan

  you srsly need to quit going to that bar

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  (517): areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?! (616): you srsly need to quit going to that bar http://tfl.nu/h4yo
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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  (847): He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours. http://tfl.nu/vgfj
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.

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  (630): I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea. http://tfl.nu/9kka
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  (516): View more from New York

  So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."

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  (516): So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming." http://tfl.nu/t69x
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.

  (1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Your godly.

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  (403): Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation. (1-403): Your godly. http://tfl.nu/7li2
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.

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  (503): The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe. http://tfl.nu/ylh3
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  (214): View more from Texas

  That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.

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  (214): That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed. http://tfl.nu/6ncx
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.

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  (401): My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar. http://tfl.nu/vsf5
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  ): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.

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  (908)): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing. http://tfl.nu/g33r
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy

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  (803): I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy http://tfl.nu/msis
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  (310): View more from California

  i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.

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  (310): i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito. http://tfl.nu/9mvh
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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  (308): Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar. http://tfl.nu/fw94
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me

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  (570): i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me http://tfl.nu/vizy
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  (951): View more from California

  My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.

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  (951): My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit. http://tfl.nu/s2aa
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  without a question

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  (860): I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox (1-860): without a question http://tfl.nu/lm2z
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.

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  (419): it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants. http://tfl.nu/uvta
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW

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  (403): OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW http://tfl.nu/587x
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.

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  (303): You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher? (720): Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced. http://tfl.nu/qahj
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.

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  (505): He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself. http://tfl.nu/msa0
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.

  (512): View more from Texas

  Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.

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  (512): Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me. (405): I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me. (512): Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked. http://tfl.nu/bn4w
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Wow. Its not even 11am.

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  (973): Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house. (1-973): Wow. Its not even 11am. http://tfl.nu/p3yd
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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  (908): While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you." http://tfl.nu/7a3m
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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  (813): I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me. http://tfl.nu/z6eo
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  (850): View more from Florida

  So are we goin out tonight?

  (315): View more from New York

  Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...

  (850): View more from Florida

  And that was fun, wasn't it?

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  (850): So are we goin out tonight? (315): Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night... (850): And that was fun, wasn't it? http://tfl.nu/s8z3
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.

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  (781): Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster. http://tfl.nu/zgi0
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him

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  (508): He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him http://tfl.nu/0v7f
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave

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  (413): before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave http://tfl.nu/loh3
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?

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  (251): if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me? http://tfl.nu/7eei
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You mean bread?

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  (678): All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast? (404): You mean bread? http://tfl.nu/0bp8
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  (310): View more from California

  Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies

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  (310): Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies http://tfl.nu/s7p4
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  You could give me a blowjob later? :)

  (1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I meant do something romantic..

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Blowjob In the moonlight?

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  (321): You could give me a blowjob later? :) (1-321): I meant do something romantic.. (321): Blowjob In the moonlight? http://tfl.nu/na1u
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

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  (803): just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car http://tfl.nu/l192
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I don't even know what potassium is.

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  (571): You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember? (703): I don't even know what potassium is. http://tfl.nu/wfp6
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  (914): View more from New York

  I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".

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  (914): I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit". http://tfl.nu/lyvs
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.

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  (402): I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night. http://tfl.nu/5ggy
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside

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  (586): so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside http://tfl.nu/qiju
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question

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  (978): Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question http://tfl.nu/aezp
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

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  (330): I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America http://tfl.nu/nfrq
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.

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  (314): totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came. http://tfl.nu/jfvh
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.

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  (410): I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think. http://tfl.nu/cvjv
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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  (267): After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest http://tfl.nu/54ul
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  (650): View more from California

  PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?

  (773): View more from Illinois

  No - puma.

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  (650): PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar? (773): No - puma. http://tfl.nu/r06a
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  yo i have your phone

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  ... oh so you probably won't get this message

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  (202): yo i have your phone (202):... oh so you probably won't get this message http://tfl.nu/0ifv
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.

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  (571): Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever. http://tfl.nu/jxfd
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall

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  (201): why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall http://tfl.nu/krc7
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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  (905): i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers. http://tfl.nu/1i45
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.

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  (412): Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye. http://tfl.nu/918u
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  and on the seventh day, God created megan fox

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  (306): and on the seventh day, God created megan fox http://tfl.nu/yceo
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

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  (410): we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier http://tfl.nu/xjeu
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  (679): View more from Michigan

  You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

  (679): View more from Michigan

  You really are best friends.

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  (679): You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road. (679): You really are best friends. http://tfl.nu/zi1s
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  (206): View more from Washington

  After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.

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  (206): After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team. http://tfl.nu/bf8i
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...

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  (413): I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM... http://tfl.nu/mwn4
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

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  (804): The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in. http://tfl.nu/awzl
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

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  (706): He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times http://tfl.nu/wnel
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  (817): View more from Texas

  At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

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  (817): At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children. http://tfl.nu/trxp
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?

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  (416): We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard? http://tfl.nu/skft
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  This house was built for laser tag.

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  (336): This house was built for laser tag. http://tfl.nu/32ag
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night

  (586): View more from Michigan

  2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street

  (586): View more from Michigan

  3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call

  (586): View more from Michigan

  So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you

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  (586): 1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night (586): 2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street (586): 3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call (586): So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you http://tfl.nu/crcb
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  (+47): View more from Norway

  i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

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  (+47): i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls http://tfl.nu/1fkx
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar

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  (+44): That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar http://tfl.nu/aq1i
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.

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  (321): You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again. http://tfl.nu/dbiz
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  (954): View more from Florida

  woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student

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  (954): woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student http://tfl.nu/4vc9
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.

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  (775): I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means. http://tfl.nu/woys
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night

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  (412): My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night http://tfl.nu/pds9
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.

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  (303): He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool. http://tfl.nu/8q12
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  (585): View more from New York

  any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

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  (585): any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later? http://tfl.nu/w8i3
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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  (765): I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing.. http://tfl.nu/jqwx
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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  (757): Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT" http://tfl.nu/x7ms
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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  (917): I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people" http://tfl.nu/5d9d
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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  (215): You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro http://tfl.nu/bhdm
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..

  (256): View more from Alabama

  everythings easier when your wearing a toga.

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  (205): Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga.. (256): everythings easier when your wearing a toga. http://tfl.nu/a4vc
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  (607): View more from New York

  New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics

  (1-607): View more from New York

  That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder

  (1-607): View more from New York

  Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?

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  (607): New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics (1-607): That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder (1-607): Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in? http://tfl.nu/6ryu
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.

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  (206): I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light. (1-206): Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had. http://tfl.nu/n63r
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  you were mass sexting so we took your phone away

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  (816): you were mass sexting so we took your phone away http://tfl.nu/u2si
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  (972): View more from Texas

  Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving

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  (972): Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving http://tfl.nu/e1pp
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark

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  (484): He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark http://tfl.nu/z2dx
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  (315): View more from New York

  Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..

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  (315): Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka.. http://tfl.nu/lv2f
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.

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  (623): listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville. (202): Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am. http://tfl.nu/fp1i
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  (713): View more from Texas

  we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.

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  (713): we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company. http://tfl.nu/8nsz
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.

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  (703): Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college. http://tfl.nu/9le9
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  (239): View more from Florida

  And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".

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  (239): And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine". http://tfl.nu/teku
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of

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  (248): He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of http://tfl.nu/1krw
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  (850): View more from Florida

  how was your day?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?

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  (850): how was your day? (404): fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i? http://tfl.nu/0urf
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup

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  (918): it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup http://tfl.nu/9c9q
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.

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  (314): I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster. http://tfl.nu/3vkx
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  (310): View more from California

  Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.

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  (310): Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready. http://tfl.nu/0n0r
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.

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  (403): you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion. http://tfl.nu/ldji
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  (214): View more from Texas

  She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love

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  (214): She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love http://tfl.nu/tjul
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  (818): View more from California

  So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice

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  (818): So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice http://tfl.nu/dh5p
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word

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  (513): Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word http://tfl.nu/dxvq
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"

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  (440): so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport" http://tfl.nu/at20
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  (530): View more from California

  the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo

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  (530): the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo http://tfl.nu/dqpo
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?

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  (503): do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out? http://tfl.nu/q9ps
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you definitely held a convo with a hobo

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  we have a secret handshake

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  (610): you definitely held a convo with a hobo (1-610): we have a secret handshake http://tfl.nu/i4o5
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days

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  (651): the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days http://tfl.nu/ifs4
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of

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  (910): In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of http://tfl.nu/tguw
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  (408): View more from California

  man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"

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  (408): man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt" http://tfl.nu/3qgn
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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  (240): last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours http://tfl.nu/1nv0
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.

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  (781): I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together. http://tfl.nu/rbls
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .

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  (250): woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" . http://tfl.nu/721o
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.

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  (203): she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever. http://tfl.nu/jt2o
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am

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  (757): if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am http://tfl.nu/cj17
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  ...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  That was a text you sent me last night.

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  (513): I think I'd do Clint Eastwood. (440): ...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now. (513): That was a text you sent me last night. http://tfl.nu/tvw9
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.

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  (703): I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain. http://tfl.nu/pmdt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."

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  (918): i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut." http://tfl.nu/bhgh
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  (858): View more from California

  ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.

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  (858): ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me. http://tfl.nu/yno6
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.

  (1-302): View more from Delaware

  You mean inside out.

  (302): View more from Delaware

  No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.

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  (302): I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down. (1-302): You mean inside out. (302): No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist. http://tfl.nu/eio3
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.

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  (785): Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen. http://tfl.nu/ucck
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.

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  (312): i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it. http://tfl.nu/r7km
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.

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  (307): Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again. http://tfl.nu/btf1
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just got to costco. Where are you?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

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  (773): Just got to costco. Where are you? (602): Liquor aisle, bring another cart. http://tfl.nu/c1j1
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.

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  (309): so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday. http://tfl.nu/j6eg
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  If you're joking I'm going to be sad

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  (704): We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's. (919): If you're joking I'm going to be sad http://tfl.nu/jh0h
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.

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  (217): Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation. http://tfl.nu/9spz
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  (607): View more from New York

  I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.

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  (607): I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better. http://tfl.nu/5tpe
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop

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  (412): dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop http://tfl.nu/q8xc
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now

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  (785): Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now http://tfl.nu/nbd3
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.

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  (843): Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17. http://tfl.nu/5ely
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.

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  (770): At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night. http://tfl.nu/xigq
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  (858): View more from California

  you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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  (858): you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?" http://tfl.nu/xq6v
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  are you high?

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  (402): what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers (1-402): are you high? http://tfl.nu/fjf1
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  (805): View more from California

  Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are

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  (805): Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are http://tfl.nu/ste8
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.

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  (617): You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias. http://tfl.nu/4ikl
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.

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  (814): I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild. http://tfl.nu/qodr
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.

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  (859): Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota. http://tfl.nu/azvw
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???

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  (614): Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale??? http://tfl.nu/bzai
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  (813): View more from Florida

  watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...

  (863): View more from Florida

  Can I come live with you?

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  (813): watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC... (863): Can I come live with you? http://tfl.nu/y56x
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high

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  (405): when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high http://tfl.nu/6j5i
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking

  (1-503): View more from Oregon

  I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning

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  (503): i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking (1-503): I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning http://tfl.nu/mjdo
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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  (314): On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you? http://tfl.nu/ocb5
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  (408): View more from California

  I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on

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  (408): I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on http://tfl.nu/ydv9
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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  (617): I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again. http://tfl.nu/qw6q
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.

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  (423): Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately. http://tfl.nu/vgak
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.

  (661): View more from California

  Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.

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  (480): I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED. (661): Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand. http://tfl.nu/omij
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  (806): View more from Texas

  All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

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  (806): All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots" http://tfl.nu/28dj
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.

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  (313): We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights. http://tfl.nu/0a84
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  (721): View more from

  That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.

  (703): View more from Virginia

  omg, i know.

  (721): View more from

  we're too high.

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  (721): That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure. (703): omg, i know. (721): we're too high. http://tfl.nu/fbyr
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.

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  (512): I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila. http://tfl.nu/7qws
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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  (443): We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich.... http://tfl.nu/i7fe
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  (518): View more from New York

  you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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  (518): you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!" http://tfl.nu/jby7
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.

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  (303): No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting. http://tfl.nu/foam
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  (914): View more from New York

  you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds

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  (914): you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds http://tfl.nu/u8pq
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??

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  (603): Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame?? http://tfl.nu/gyhi
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  (360): View more from Washington

  i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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  (360): i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew http://tfl.nu/ocbg
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.

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  (303): Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face. http://tfl.nu/aa6s
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day

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  (703): Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day http://tfl.nu/hrk3
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens

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  (217): some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens http://tfl.nu/oucj
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.

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  (973): No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world. http://tfl.nu/0x21
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate

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  (617): quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate http://tfl.nu/fqo5
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  how high are you?

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  (336): do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos? (828): how high are you? http://tfl.nu/9z76
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"

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  (702): So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this" http://tfl.nu/lsrz
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!

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  (304): STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us! http://tfl.nu/rgw4
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  (716): View more from New York

  Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.

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  (716): Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time. http://tfl.nu/ytyv
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  (914): View more from New York

  she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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  (914): she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it" http://tfl.nu/fy2z
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."

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  (404): He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on." http://tfl.nu/t6j5
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep

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  (647): You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep http://tfl.nu/2p4s
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together

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  (570): you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together http://tfl.nu/6q67
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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  (319): Heyyyy darlin are you busy? (1-319): Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night. http://tfl.nu/pwb0
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

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  (202): you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry. http://tfl.nu/e7cu
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.

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  (610): she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot. http://tfl.nu/93sx
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room

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  (360): I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room http://tfl.nu/ooda
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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  (443): she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs. http://tfl.nu/nz73
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over

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  (508): just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over http://tfl.nu/74b2
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....

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  (419): You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean..... http://tfl.nu/ti18
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.

  (1-270): View more from Kentucky

  I'm jealous

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  My throat feels like a candle.

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  (270): T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English. (1-270): I'm jealous (270): My throat feels like a candle. http://tfl.nu/vpw9
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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  (727): I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying" http://tfl.nu/wtiy
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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  (908): If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple." http://tfl.nu/0gie
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.

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  (317): you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american. http://tfl.nu/y2yd
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.

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  (605): You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home. http://tfl.nu/7njn
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Yah man, that place is surreal

  (731): View more from Tennessee

  Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?

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  (801): Yah man, that place is surreal (731): Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal? http://tfl.nu/sga3
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  What's going on tomorrow?

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Nothing, it's Wednesday

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  (913): Let's make jello shots for tomorrow (1-913): What's going on tomorrow? (913): Nothing, it's Wednesday http://tfl.nu/pnp1
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.

  (1-479): View more from Arkansas

  You got my ass fired just for knowing you

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  thanks for the bacon

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  (479): You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment. (1-479): You got my ass fired just for knowing you (479): thanks for the bacon http://tfl.nu/zw0i
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  (619): View more from California

  you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.

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  (619): you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you. http://tfl.nu/x6wp
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.

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  (902): FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk. http://tfl.nu/vuiq
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

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  (401): I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first http://tfl.nu/owtg
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  (801): View more from Utah

  You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

  (1-801): View more from Utah

  There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

  (801): View more from Utah

  alright see you in the morning.

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  (801): You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house. (1-801): There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen. (801): alright see you in the morning. http://tfl.nu/gnes
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  (925): View more from California

  Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.

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  (925): Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here. http://tfl.nu/dbsi
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.

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  (229): Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment. http://tfl.nu/tuh7
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  (661): View more from California

  i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

  (951): View more from California

  u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

  (661): View more from California

  i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

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  (661): i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break.. (951): u hav a 3 hour lunch break?! (661): i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u http://tfl.nu/1ary
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  (714): View more from California

  i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

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  (714): i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock http://tfl.nu/oxvs
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.

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  (630): When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast. http://tfl.nu/nqf8
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  (921): View more from

  found out what b.m.t stands for.

  (1-921): View more from

  what did you think?

  (921): View more from

  bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.

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  (921): found out what b.m.t stands for. (1-921): what did you think? (921): bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub. http://tfl.nu/4p7g
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  (425): View more from Washington

  you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

  (206): View more from Washington

  youre the best friend ever

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  (425): you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it (206): youre the best friend ever http://tfl.nu/6oyc
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  (445): View more from Pennsylvania

  We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off

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  (445): We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off http://tfl.nu/9bxu
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.

  (1-620): View more from Kansas

  No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.

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  (620): Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night. (1-620): No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man. http://tfl.nu/p24k
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.

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  (630): That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims. http://tfl.nu/e1gu
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  Why? Who won?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  we don't know. we ran out of oranges.

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  (440): I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges. (1-440): Why? Who won? (440): we don't know. we ran out of oranges. http://tfl.nu/wlmn
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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  (401): after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now. http://tfl.nu/y18v
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one

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  (613): You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one http://tfl.nu/l60l
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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  (612): You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast. http://tfl.nu/3zo3
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  (916): View more from California

  the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.

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  (916): the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it. http://tfl.nu/4aun
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.

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  (301): We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope. http://tfl.nu/4d9q
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!

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  (832): apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?! http://tfl.nu/kaoo
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  $1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.

  (212): View more from New York

  Please take video.

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  (815): $1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween. (212): Please take video. http://tfl.nu/t1i5
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"

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  (319): We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30" http://tfl.nu/oadk
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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  (647): You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened. http://tfl.nu/1lek
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

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  (802): you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv. http://tfl.nu/a1rt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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  (413): i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way" http://tfl.nu/86gt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.

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  (978): your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop. http://tfl.nu/x1i9
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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  (519): He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid. (604): HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES http://tfl.nu/zs3p
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"

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  (410): I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis" http://tfl.nu/6z4n
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.

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  (605): I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum. http://tfl.nu/8vy8
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  No...more like a life jacket.

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  (603): Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet? (1-603): No...more like a life jacket. http://tfl.nu/4uwt
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

  (648): View more from

  Since when is drunk an angle?

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  (319): He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle (648): Since when is drunk an angle? http://tfl.nu/dhcr
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.

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  (917): I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home. http://tfl.nu/cetg
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.

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  (503): after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success. http://tfl.nu/y8ni
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I'm laying in your front yard are you home

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  (810): I'm laying in your front yard are you home http://tfl.nu/8whw
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.

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  (219): so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night. http://tfl.nu/edgl
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...

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  (215): yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway... http://tfl.nu/qwxo
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

  (949): View more from California

  she's my drunk super hero.

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  (219): you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds. (949): she's my drunk super hero. http://tfl.nu/ngha
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market

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  (919): yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market http://tfl.nu/5w22
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  (360): View more from Washington

  he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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  (360): he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them http://tfl.nu/8aam
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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  (702): Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls? (636): anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence http://tfl.nu/1u56
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....

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  (706): You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there.... http://tfl.nu/cfkl
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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  (864): you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night http://tfl.nu/m2bf
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?

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  (864): I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me? http://tfl.nu/6foj
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.

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  (248): I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again. http://tfl.nu/4zrz
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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  (540): he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride http://tfl.nu/4fyt
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  (972): View more from Texas

  like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys

  (214): View more from Texas

  I hope to god you are high

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  (972): like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys (214): I hope to god you are high http://tfl.nu/z79a
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

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  (306): They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties. http://tfl.nu/2id3
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  (917): View more from New York City

  half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

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  (917): half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country. http://tfl.nu/tafy
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  (949): View more from California

  I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

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  (949): I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people. http://tfl.nu/vbtd
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

  (205): View more from Alabama

  This explains so much.

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  (205): Why are my keys in the refrigerator? (1-205): You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you. (205): This explains so much. http://tfl.nu/ouwy
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing

  (1-301): View more from Maryland

  that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome

  (301): View more from Maryland

  we agree. completely

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  (301): we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing (1-301): that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome (301): we agree. completely http://tfl.nu/eynh
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  (718): View more from New York

  i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite

  (917): View more from New York City

  get a pic

  (718): View more from New York

  i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that

  (917): View more from New York City

  i want ur life

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  (718): i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite (917): get a pic (718): i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that (917): i want ur life http://tfl.nu/sg3n
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  (626): View more from California

  she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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  (626): she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo http://tfl.nu/loae
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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  (913): just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home. http://tfl.nu/c9s9
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

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  (605): We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink. http://tfl.nu/ugbw
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  (850): View more from Florida

  the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  that makes sense.

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  (850): the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you... (1-850): that makes sense. http://tfl.nu/5jmk
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.

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  (724): I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet. http://tfl.nu/hq1s
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.

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  (971): I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex. http://tfl.nu/gyof
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  (518): View more from New York

  after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.

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  (518): after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date. http://tfl.nu/xryi
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.

  (407): View more from Florida

  i think you have the wrong number

  (813): View more from Florida

  so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

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  (813): I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter. (407): i think you have the wrong number (813): so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool. http://tfl.nu/uuec
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  You make your fellow Jews happy.

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  (412): I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more. (1-412): You make your fellow Jews happy. http://tfl.nu/gpio
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again

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  (662): you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again http://tfl.nu/srv7
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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  (636): I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend. http://tfl.nu/x4zz
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever

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  (910): phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever http://tfl.nu/0zmb
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.

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  (404): I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid. http://tfl.nu/v3pa
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  Every day of my life.

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  (513): Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer? (1-513): Every day of my life. http://tfl.nu/2brt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining

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  (541): You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining http://tfl.nu/2n0l
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence

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  (705): Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence http://tfl.nu/779y
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me

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  (970): I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me http://tfl.nu/ieav
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  (207): View more from Maine

  dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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  (207): dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat http://tfl.nu/ast4
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  (518): View more from New York

  how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago

  (404): View more from Georgia

  so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?

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  (518): how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago (404): so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me? http://tfl.nu/o0wy
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"

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  (908): My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger" http://tfl.nu/twr9
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

  (713): View more from Texas

  lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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  (832): why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen? (713): lets deal with that after we figure out where i am http://tfl.nu/0phs
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  (718): View more from New York

  We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun

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  (718): We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun http://tfl.nu/cluc
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.

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  (504): Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows. http://tfl.nu/ltb0
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.

  (951): View more from California

  sound pretty economical

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  (434): Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood. (951): sound pretty economical http://tfl.nu/xtyc
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.

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  (724): you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles. http://tfl.nu/nryc
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  (254): View more from Texas

  There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

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  (254): There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN. http://tfl.nu/m7t2
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.

  (585): View more from New York

  I hate you.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.

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  (314): My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers. (585): I hate you. (314): To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me. http://tfl.nu/wpxa
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.

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  (603): you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics. http://tfl.nu/re5j
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.

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  (306): When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again. http://tfl.nu/vfit
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  you're drinking in the law library????

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  ...not a bad idea....

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  probably not a good idea either.

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  (978): you're drinking in the law library???? (978): ...not a bad idea.... (508): probably not a good idea either. http://tfl.nu/gi3r
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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  (732): she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love http://tfl.nu/knwu
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  (713): View more from Texas

  He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.

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  (713): He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it. http://tfl.nu/91c2
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  (518): View more from New York

  you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'

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  (518): you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!' http://tfl.nu/twcd
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  (909): View more from California

  I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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  (909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him http://tfl.nu/axwb
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.

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  (973): UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to. http://tfl.nu/mbqt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  You are an asshole

  (574): View more from Indiana

  haha sleeping beauty awakes.

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Where did you find this costume?

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  (616): You are an asshole (574): haha sleeping beauty awakes. (616): Where did you find this costume? http://tfl.nu/m4ai
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  (509): View more from Washington

  You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.

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  (509): You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters. http://tfl.nu/qaew
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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  (519): my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar. (1-519): You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make. http://tfl.nu/j6t1
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

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  (330): why is there cat hair all over my deoderant? (1-330): she wanted to smell more freshershest than you. http://tfl.nu/rk6z
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?

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  (314): WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport? http://tfl.nu/fnf6
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.

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  (440): As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season. http://tfl.nu/uyun
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know

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  (513): im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know http://tfl.nu/k4xw
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.

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  (647): there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper. http://tfl.nu/yyzx
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.

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  (404): Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are. http://tfl.nu/hb6o
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.

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  (304): Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit. http://tfl.nu/67fb
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?

  (1-815): View more from Illinois

  You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.

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  (815) Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off? (1-815) You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it. http://tfl.nu/du1d
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

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  (253): Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack. (1-253): What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited http://tfl.nu/n0ma
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."

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  (703): The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am." http://tfl.nu/b7uw
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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  (703): How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist http://tfl.nu/hzre
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Too many margaritas?

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  (405): Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog. (321): Too many margaritas? http://tfl.nu/18gt
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  (546): View more from

  Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.

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  (546): Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money. http://tfl.nu/o990
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  (925): View more from California

  she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys

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  (925): she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys http://tfl.nu/nc2y
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....

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  (317): I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up.... http://tfl.nu/s81o
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...

  (443): View more from Maryland

  How'd that go?

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Hes on his way with a baseball bat...

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  (301): I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been... (443): How'd that go? (301): Hes on his way with a baseball bat... http://tfl.nu/x8jv
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  (917): View more from New York City

  No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.

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  (917): No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list. http://tfl.nu/e3d0
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed

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  (972): I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed http://tfl.nu/xlf6
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.

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  (403): Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'. http://tfl.nu/ube5
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  What'd you do?

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Its more like what im about to do.

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  (313): I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight. (734): What'd you do? (313): Its more like what im about to do. http://tfl.nu/2yqx
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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  (320): I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on. http://tfl.nu/x1xg
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.

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  (360): I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster. http://tfl.nu/yojg
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers

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  (651): we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers http://tfl.nu/z5gf
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.

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  (252): This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero. http://tfl.nu/82jq
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.

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  (973): I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like. http://tfl.nu/4kjo
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  (206): View more from Washington

  All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.

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  (206): All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came. http://tfl.nu/je3h
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

  (904): View more from Florida

  FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

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  (614): Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing. (904): FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift http://tfl.nu/ws8p
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  well that was a long night...

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on

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  (908): well that was a long night... (609): dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened? (908): no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on http://tfl.nu/y1mz
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!

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  (612): My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome! http://tfl.nu/2tqo
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...

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  (713): I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you... http://tfl.nu/rwlo
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..

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  (314): When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar.. http://tfl.nu/d5fi
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.

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  (937): I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand. http://tfl.nu/sj9u
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i dont know what to do

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  with your life?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3

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  (732): i dont know what to do (1-732): with your life? (732): no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3 http://tfl.nu/i8yp
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  (415): View more from California

  dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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  (415): dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint. http://tfl.nu/divk
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  No thats like a top 10

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  (918): is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night? (1-918): No thats like a top 10 http://tfl.nu/uawo
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  (979): View more from Texas

  Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.

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  (979): Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight. http://tfl.nu/18md
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?

  (509): View more from Washington

  Places.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Plural? Please tell.

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  (503): We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep? (509): Places. (503): Plural? Please tell. http://tfl.nu/23q8
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

  (703): View more from Virginia

  and miss being on the news....no way

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  (571): next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave (703): and miss being on the news....no way http://tfl.nu/gtrx
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?

  (314): View more from Missouri

  you had an obligation.

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  (913): So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right? (314): you had an obligation. http://tfl.nu/0hhp
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  like hot dogs and buns.

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  (609): i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky (267): like hot dogs and buns. http://tfl.nu/crsi
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  (951): View more from California

  Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

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  (951): Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable. http://tfl.nu/q51j
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.

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  (763): Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night. http://tfl.nu/r7p2
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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  (303): One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud. http://tfl.nu/mlmc
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  (760): View more from California

  My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?

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  (760): My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this? http://tfl.nu/9ow4
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?

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  (419): You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text? http://tfl.nu/28br
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  (585): View more from New York

  Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.

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  (585): Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either. http://tfl.nu/3i4x
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  ...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

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  (412): the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime (724): ...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname http://tfl.nu/hnce
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Little spoons don't ask big questions

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  (330): Little spoons don't ask big questions http://tfl.nu/13tl
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.

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  (502): Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes. http://tfl.nu/a8d2
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.

  (1-586): View more from Michigan

  What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?

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  (586): Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand. (1-586): What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive? http://tfl.nu/qfk1
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.

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  (617): after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case. http://tfl.nu/63mj
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.

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  (248): going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school. http://tfl.nu/hpld
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.

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  (301): you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop. http://tfl.nu/0o9n
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  (949): View more from California

  Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?

  (619): View more from California

  hahahahahahahahahahaha

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  (949): Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth? (619): hahahahahahahahahahaha http://tfl.nu/hwol
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"

  (913): View more from Kansas

  did you yell "are you not entertained?"

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  (410): i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude" (913): did you yell "are you not entertained?" http://tfl.nu/qa0j
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.

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  (401): Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out. http://tfl.nu/h447
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff

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  (303): I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff http://tfl.nu/0hbk
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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  (774): I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass. http://tfl.nu/6q4x
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Stop texting me, I'm right here.

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  (502): im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards. (773): Stop texting me, I'm right here. http://tfl.nu/1yrs
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart

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  (815): Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart http://tfl.nu/4qqp
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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  (251): you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you http://tfl.nu/7a0u
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  (516): View more from New York

  im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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  (516): im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test http://tfl.nu/0qhc
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.

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  (850): Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night. http://tfl.nu/mu48
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??

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  (615): yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom. (702): Bro... we didn't even hang out last night?? http://tfl.nu/2ylu
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  (415): View more from California

  Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok

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  (415): Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok http://tfl.nu/rrpn
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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  (678): I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts. http://tfl.nu/4sqd
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.

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  (540): it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking. http://tfl.nu/zwfn
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.

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  (484): So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention. http://tfl.nu/x7xj
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga

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  (952): I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga http://tfl.nu/qw9z
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  (779): View more from Illinois

  Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.

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  (779): Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me. http://tfl.nu/6ngm
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday

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  (520): Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday http://tfl.nu/ewfr
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  how drunk are you?

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  What does that even mean anymore?

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  (612): how drunk are you? (952): What does that even mean anymore? http://tfl.nu/4vkm
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  (516): View more from New York

  They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.

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  (516): They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were. http://tfl.nu/skxs
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  (415): View more from California

  the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.

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  (415): the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties. http://tfl.nu/jpbi
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him

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  (215): some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him http://tfl.nu/gsvg
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  (435): View more from Utah

  I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.

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  (435): I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated. http://tfl.nu/6ris
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  (972): View more from Texas

  some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

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  (972): some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance. http://tfl.nu/2gcf
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.

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  (765): I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings. http://tfl.nu/mgul
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high

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  (774): dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high http://tfl.nu/yu6x
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  (212): View more from New York

  Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.

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  (212): Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right. http://tfl.nu/eck5
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"

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  (812): apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight" http://tfl.nu/9yyv
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  (516): View more from New York

  Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.

  (1-516): View more from New York

  True life - we need to smoke together more often

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  (516): Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters. (1-516): True life - we need to smoke together more often http://tfl.nu/s2bm
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

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  (514): you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes http://tfl.nu/cth1
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  (305): View more from Florida

  i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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  (305): i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer. http://tfl.nu/jibz
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.

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  (978): i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite. http://tfl.nu/yk7i
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  (516): View more from New York

  Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes

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  (516): Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes http://tfl.nu/edsk
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

  (309): View more from Illinois

  so finals studying is going well?

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  (309): i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons. (309): so finals studying is going well? http://tfl.nu/jt5e
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  (315): View more from New York

  careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

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  (315): careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there.... http://tfl.nu/ypb5
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  (561): View more from Florida

  he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

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  (561): he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him http://tfl.nu/gz84
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.

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  (201): If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now. http://tfl.nu/xijf
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  That was long passed due.

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  (414): I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol" (262): That was long passed due. http://tfl.nu/6bqu
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  (360): View more from Washington

  would you consider him our boss?

  (503): View more from Oregon

  technically yes

  (360): View more from Washington

  then technically i slept with our boss

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  (360): would you consider him our boss? (503): technically yes (360): then technically i slept with our boss http://tfl.nu/5m3t
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  (561): View more from Florida

  i will soon be in a relationship on fb

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  you!?

  (561): View more from Florida

  me and your mom. i mean, lisa.

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  (561): i will soon be in a relationship on fb (919): you!? (561): me and your mom. i mean, lisa. http://tfl.nu/5lvv
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball

  (419): View more from Ohio

  And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity

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  (419): We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball (419): And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity http://tfl.nu/7q0o
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  ...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.

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  (330): ...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates. http://tfl.nu/x7fo
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  (425): View more from Washington

  i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....

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  (425): i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is.... http://tfl.nu/ar6t
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  you really are a gigantic fucking slut.

  (614): View more from Ohio

  sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?

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  (614): you really are a gigantic fucking slut. (614): sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text (1-614): it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh? http://tfl.nu/0prb
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal

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  (405): Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal http://tfl.nu/vikg
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  (415): View more from California

  And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.

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  (415): And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked. http://tfl.nu/8nhm
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.

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  (252): I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet. http://tfl.nu/v8co
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."

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  (970): Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college." http://tfl.nu/qe42
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?

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  (702): we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast. (1-702): do you want me to pick up budweiser instead? http://tfl.nu/46t6
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Ya

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I used to kick so much ass

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  (586): Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part? (313): Ya (586): I used to kick so much ass http://tfl.nu/d78f
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.

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  (709): ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome. http://tfl.nu/2x6n
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.

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  (214): I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this. http://tfl.nu/iqku
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion

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  (215): I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion http://tfl.nu/gpfj
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  (415): View more from California

  Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling

  (415): View more from California

  God, I love San Francisco.

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  (415): Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling (415): God, I love San Francisco. http://tfl.nu/z7fc
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  (646): View more from New York

  I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me

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  (646): I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me http://tfl.nu/nl48
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs

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  (513): Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs http://tfl.nu/gf82
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy

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  (404): to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy http://tfl.nu/vv9t
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  (813): View more from Florida

  So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly

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  (813): So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly http://tfl.nu/tnq1
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?

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  (478): I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night? http://tfl.nu/kb80
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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  (303): Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England http://tfl.nu/wgnu
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I really wanna talk..

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down

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  (817): I really wanna talk.. (1-817): if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down http://tfl.nu/qj3j
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.

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  (304): I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great. http://tfl.nu/mw4a
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.

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  (203): im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty. (1-203): Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said. (203): Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/bpzi
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

  (503): View more from Oregon

  3some

  (541): View more from Oregon

  You're right, stupid question.

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  (541): What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms? (503): 3some (541): You're right, stupid question. http://tfl.nu/lx7x
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.

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  (541): at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard. http://tfl.nu/6ebl
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  (510): View more from California

  I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.

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  (510): I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete. http://tfl.nu/ez0g
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  (760): View more from California

  Do you need to be saved?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  No I think I'm God

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  (760): Do you need to be saved? (847): No I think I'm God http://tfl.nu/obwr
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  can u grab me a application

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  (973): i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers (1-973): can u grab me a application http://tfl.nu/7bd4
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.

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  (715): I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed. http://tfl.nu/mebd
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

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  (517): you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii http://tfl.nu/lbrx
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.

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  (+44): You are the patron saint of my drinking problem. http://tfl.nu/rquk
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

  (440): View more from Ohio

  isn't bella the cat???

  (216): View more from Ohio

  that she is

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  (216): bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away (440): isn't bella the cat??? (216): that she is http://tfl.nu/l83t
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube

  (630): View more from Illinois

  my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.

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  (224): hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube (630): my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up. http://tfl.nu/cxvl
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof

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  (913): Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof http://tfl.nu/58vn
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."

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  (612): the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear." http://tfl.nu/uaxy
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  He was trying to put me in handcuffs.

  (1-662): View more from Mississippi

  You have my attention.

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  (662): I scissor kicked a one legged man last night. (662): He was trying to put me in handcuffs. (1-662): You have my attention. http://tfl.nu/abr0
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters

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  (765): just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters http://tfl.nu/51nh
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  (310): View more from California

  thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

  (1-310): View more from California

  you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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  (310): thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee! (1-310): you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right? http://tfl.nu/vyk6
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I understand Curling. That high.

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  (757): I understand Curling. That high. http://tfl.nu/c58u
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."

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  (913): I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady." http://tfl.nu/ftym
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  (+44): View more from England

  if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed

  (+44): View more from England

  keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction

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  (+44): if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed (+44): keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction http://tfl.nu/lbnu
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever

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  (859): im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever http://tfl.nu/peni
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.

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  (321): I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover. http://tfl.nu/ccnb
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

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  (504): My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed. http://tfl.nu/4z6k
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  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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  (816): You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!" http://tfl.nu/vlcz
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch

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  (318): That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch http://tfl.nu/faw2
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.

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  (913): I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America. http://tfl.nu/aex4
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.

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  (636): So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man. http://tfl.nu/8qmy
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  (858): View more from California

  I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal

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  (858): I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal http://tfl.nu/7yck
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  (916): View more from California

  on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.

  (1-916): View more from California

  your optimism is becoming unhealthy

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  (916): on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day. (1-916): your optimism is becoming unhealthy http://tfl.nu/nzqt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

  (334): View more from Alabama

  i do.

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  (256): from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot. (334): i do. http://tfl.nu/nohm
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?

  (330): View more from Ohio

  yes... and buy you lunch

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  (216): wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer? (330): yes... and buy you lunch http://tfl.nu/rnfb
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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  (910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars (910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT http://tfl.nu/70k5
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  hows the party?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ists fjcssing insceredle

  (913): View more from Kansas

  be there in 10

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  (913): hows the party? (816): ists fjcssing insceredle (913): be there in 10 http://tfl.nu/innz
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong

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  (314): Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong http://tfl.nu/3qv8
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  (707): View more from California

  My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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  (707): My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet." http://tfl.nu/s1m4
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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  (801): He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often. http://tfl.nu/6bnz
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i think i'm in class. and blacked out.

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  (404): i think i'm in class. and blacked out. http://tfl.nu/l2ml
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  (916): View more from California

  I hate ducks.

  (916): View more from California

  What?

  (916): View more from California

  they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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  (916): I hate ducks. (916): What? (916): they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck. http://tfl.nu/gesm
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...

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  (414): you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened... http://tfl.nu/w2pr
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.

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  (480): just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers. http://tfl.nu/c1gi
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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  (978): just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors http://tfl.nu/9psa
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  (925): View more from California

  So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf

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  (925): So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf http://tfl.nu/z2h0
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"

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  (201): You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here" http://tfl.nu/hp38
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.

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  (612): you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all. http://tfl.nu/uo2n
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
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  (805): View more from California

  i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.

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  (805): i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog. http://tfl.nu/tph4
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  (917): View more from New York City

  If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

  (917): View more from New York City

  Those had pot in them

  (917): View more from New York City

  And good luck on your interview asshole

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  (917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g
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  (310): View more from California

  Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.

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  (310): Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar. http://tfl.nu/dxcg
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.

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  (586): Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail. http://tfl.nu/99nr
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

  (1-602): View more from Arizona

  you mean pants?

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  (602): I wish they made sweatshirts for legs (1-602): you mean pants? http://tfl.nu/ceop
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.

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  (305): Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming. http://tfl.nu/4nef
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

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  (303): I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund. http://tfl.nu/xrnk
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk

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  (541): Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk http://tfl.nu/l5et
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.

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  (647): Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/k2zc
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?

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  (616): dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us? http://tfl.nu/bgpp
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.

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  (215): Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too. http://tfl.nu/we0x
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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  (920): He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car. http://tfl.nu/srqw
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.

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  (314): I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant. http://tfl.nu/hikv
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon

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  (403): well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon http://tfl.nu/7c63
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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  (201): You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!" http://tfl.nu/rb09
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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  (540): my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited. http://tfl.nu/8ftm
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....

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  (248): To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet.... http://tfl.nu/cx4o
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew

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  (702): She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew http://tfl.nu/fmsn
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.

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  (804): I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life. http://tfl.nu/74qx
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  (214): View more from Texas

  call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight

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  (214): call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight http://tfl.nu/wfsk
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  (408): View more from California

  she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room

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  (408): she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room http://tfl.nu/zqg2
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.

  (214): View more from Texas

  It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.

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  (903): I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls. (214): It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep. http://tfl.nu/5v3w
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  (817): View more from Texas

  They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

  (214): View more from Texas

  Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

  (817): View more from Texas

  You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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  (817): They asked me to help them shop for lingerie. (214): Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better. (817): You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for. http://tfl.nu/hqk4
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.

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  (765): just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away. http://tfl.nu/4aee
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.

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  (318): I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line. http://tfl.nu/xyp6
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox

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  (785): Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox http://tfl.nu/t30w
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Why am I in a dog kennel?

  (1-803): View more from South Carolina

  It was for your own safety

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  (803): Why am I in a dog kennel? (1-803): It was for your own safety http://tfl.nu/w7ni
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk

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  (814): Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk http://tfl.nu/i4kc
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

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  (407): Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything." http://tfl.nu/1ue8
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

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  (770): I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti http://tfl.nu/zbwe
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  (716): View more from New York

  I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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  (716): I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me. http://tfl.nu/61es
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?

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  (541): If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs? http://tfl.nu/k19f
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".

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  (870): I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible". http://tfl.nu/e3k3
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  (206): View more from Washington

  And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

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  (206): And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny http://tfl.nu/a88g
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.

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  (508): He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk. http://tfl.nu/n1jt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward

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  (757): i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward http://tfl.nu/7d4o
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  (858): View more from California

  we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.

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  (858): we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open. http://tfl.nu/kkl3
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers

  (1-720): View more from Colorado

  eat her like coffee?

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  (720): yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers (1-720): eat her like coffee? http://tfl.nu/6p99
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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  (603): Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk. http://tfl.nu/ivw8
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes

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  (908): But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes http://tfl.nu/c86w
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

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  (301): I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa. http://tfl.nu/sbm1
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  (631): View more from New York

  I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I don't want you to recite the pledge!

  (631): View more from New York

  Pledge alligien to america to united states of america

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  (631): I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge. (401): I don't want you to recite the pledge! (631): Pledge alligien to america to united states of america http://tfl.nu/s7dx
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.

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  (859): I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat. http://tfl.nu/m2ko
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.

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  (513): he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk. http://tfl.nu/epms
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I love you

  (720): View more from Colorado

  are you drunk

  (440): View more from Ohio

  yes but I def love you, we should get married

  (720): View more from Colorado

  But I'm Jewish

  (440): View more from Ohio

  embrace Jesus

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  (440): I love you (720): are you drunk (440): yes but I def love you, we should get married (720): But I'm Jewish (440): embrace Jesus http://tfl.nu/v32c
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  Shittttttt.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

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  (734): I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy. (1-734): Shittttttt. (734): Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy. http://tfl.nu/htfb
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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  (603): You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing. http://tfl.nu/vk7w
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.

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  (970): Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier. http://tfl.nu/o9ed
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park

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  (902): I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park http://tfl.nu/d8es
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  (954): View more from Florida

  8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.

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  (954): 8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on. http://tfl.nu/8x7p
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  (858): View more from California

  You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

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  (858): You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat. http://tfl.nu/yzbr
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome

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  (405): I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome http://tfl.nu/rn4a
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

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  (404): my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material. http://tfl.nu/r91w
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

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  (404): standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture. http://tfl.nu/15y7
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

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  (610): You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol. http://tfl.nu/qjw2
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

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  (610): As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet. http://tfl.nu/swmp
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk

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  (217): You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk http://tfl.nu/jf67
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  (407): View more from Florida

  the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.

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  (407): the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever. http://tfl.nu/psk0
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  (917): View more from New York City

  so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

  (1-917): View more from New York City

  you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth

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  (917): so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center (1-917): you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth http://tfl.nu/ukvm
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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  (630): I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important http://tfl.nu/7wts
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.

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  (703): Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock. http://tfl.nu/z9t5
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (124): View more from

  Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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  (124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all. http://tfl.nu/q25u
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes

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  (920): I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes http://tfl.nu/1teg
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love

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  (540): she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/im7c
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.

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  (778): Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper. http://tfl.nu/0up7
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'

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  (778): Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world' http://tfl.nu/vm9t
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.

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  (410): guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance. http://tfl.nu/rnd5
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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  (860): you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance. http://tfl.nu/1cpz
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We call that spaghetti Os

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  (207): I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it (617): We call that spaghetti Os http://tfl.nu/dgrn
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."

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  (813): I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit." http://tfl.nu/z2kp
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  She acts like you when your on meds

  (510): View more from California

  She acts like batman?

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  (616): She acts like you when your on meds (510): She acts like batman? http://tfl.nu/zvs9
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  (214): View more from Texas

  probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time

  (972): View more from Texas

  i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"

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  (214): probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time (972): i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!" http://tfl.nu/dprb
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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  (910): so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch. http://tfl.nu/syjm
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again

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  (618): Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again http://tfl.nu/9mpp
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  (951): View more from California

  So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

  (909): View more from California

  dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

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  (951): So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito. (909): dude... how have they not drug tested you yet? http://tfl.nu/fx38
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind

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  (773): I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind http://tfl.nu/hlcm
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good

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  (978): I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good http://tfl.nu/mzsl
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  They have edible shot glasses at target.

  (1-812): View more from Indiana

  There really is a God.

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  (812): They have edible shot glasses at target. (1-812): There really is a God. http://tfl.nu/0gpe
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  (805): View more from California

  NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??

  (805): View more from California

  He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  You should probably go find him.

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  (805): NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be?? (805): He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is. (814): You should probably go find him. http://tfl.nu/673m
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  (917): View more from New York City

  you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

  (917): View more from New York City

  no it doesn't.

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  (917): you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere. (720): ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning... (917): no it doesn't. http://tfl.nu/6x89
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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  (219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won. http://tfl.nu/tu5d
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!

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  (605): Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?! http://tfl.nu/u19h
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  (650): View more from California

  so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

  (1-650): View more from California

  did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

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  (650): so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet. (1-650): did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one? http://tfl.nu/1hzw
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  (253): View more from Washington

  DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?

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  (253): DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge? http://tfl.nu/bwm6
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.

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  (503): I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt. http://tfl.nu/ymql
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

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  (928): I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera. http://tfl.nu/yx0c
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?

  (770): View more from Georgia

  I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

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  (678): why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning? (770): I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle http://tfl.nu/6kcj
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  (516): View more from New York

  There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face

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  (516): There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face http://tfl.nu/9y4h
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.

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  (404): I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party. http://tfl.nu/j6hi
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  (585): View more from New York

  bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning

  (1-585): View more from New York

  oh god.. jail?

  (585): View more from New York

  better, on the catwalk of the auditorium

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  (585): bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning (1-585): oh god.. jail? (585): better, on the catwalk of the auditorium http://tfl.nu/ulvj
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.

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  (317): ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions. http://tfl.nu/8qmh
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

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  (303): Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel. http://tfl.nu/te56
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.

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  (740): well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong. http://tfl.nu/972k
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  bl l w

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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  (908): bl l w (201): this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel. http://tfl.nu/4an5
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time

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  (517): He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time http://tfl.nu/hxad
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

  (480): View more from Arizona

  What will that accomplish?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.

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  (602): We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on. (480): What will that accomplish? (602): It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on. http://tfl.nu/n4ns
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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  (248): Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win. http://tfl.nu/almv
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night

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  (203): I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night http://tfl.nu/hkfs
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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  (937): There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich. http://tfl.nu/hmr5
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.

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  (514): I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later. http://tfl.nu/cmn8
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.

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  (262): I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom. http://tfl.nu/hw22
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
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  (727): View more from Florida

  i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.

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  (727): i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR. http://tfl.nu/oyj0
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous

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  (608): I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous http://tfl.nu/1bk0
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.

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  (573): My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best. http://tfl.nu/21y4
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.

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  (203): Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned. http://tfl.nu/8wo4
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

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  (908): Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner. http://tfl.nu/otz7
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT

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  (443): My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT http://tfl.nu/f0p2
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker

  (914): View more from New York

  Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.

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  (617): I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker (914): Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high. http://tfl.nu/0o33
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  (510): View more from California

  I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.

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  (510): I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend. http://tfl.nu/lprg
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.

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  (204): you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested. http://tfl.nu/msf1
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high

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  (801): I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high http://tfl.nu/0yq2
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.

  (1-606): View more from Kentucky

  Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.

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  (606): I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me. (1-606): Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons. http://tfl.nu/drp9
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  (386): View more from Florida

  after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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  (386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time. http://tfl.nu/767v
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  (315): View more from New York

  So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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  (315): So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs. http://tfl.nu/ibfv
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  (831): View more from California

  I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

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  (831): I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am. http://tfl.nu/8xi2
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.

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  (319): In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums. http://tfl.nu/weac
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.

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  (214): Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever. http://tfl.nu/bza6
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  (607): View more from New York

  You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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  (607): You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me http://tfl.nu/ry9s
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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  (303): If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns. http://tfl.nu/xebd
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

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  (971): So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully" http://tfl.nu/lw3x
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.

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  (708): bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not. http://tfl.nu/0qt3
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  You're the best girlfriend ever.

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  (913): Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat. (1-913): You're the best girlfriend ever. http://tfl.nu/imen
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  You weighed it?

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  (817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car? (1-817): You weighed it? http://tfl.nu/lai6
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.

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  (613): you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun. http://tfl.nu/3wdo
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.

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  (410): She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else. http://tfl.nu/yur0
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.

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  (407): I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done. http://tfl.nu/92fz
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  (949): View more from California

  Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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  (949): Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN. http://tfl.nu/2o4b
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Who is this?

  (407): View more from Florida

  Who do you want it to be?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Sarah Palin

  (407): View more from Florida

  I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde

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  (978): Who is this? (407): Who do you want it to be? (978): Sarah Palin (407): I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde http://tfl.nu/hfjt
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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  (226): This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon http://tfl.nu/4pbx
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.

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  (610): the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing. http://tfl.nu/gyso
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong

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  (205): Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong http://tfl.nu/oa40
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  (941): View more from Florida

  thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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  (941): thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated. http://tfl.nu/xw0x
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.

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  (609): We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready. http://tfl.nu/9xou
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch

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  (678): My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch http://tfl.nu/nghk
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential

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  (330): I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential http://tfl.nu/2wmk
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

  (443): View more from Maryland

  wasted?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  im pocohantasssss

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  (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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  (918): when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace. http://tfl.nu/irh2
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open

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  (480): you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open http://tfl.nu/9jy5
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.

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  (301): he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself. http://tfl.nu/68qu
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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  (802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made. http://tfl.nu/87yq
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  (650): View more from California

  Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.

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  (650): Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us. http://tfl.nu/ztab
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I have two black x marks on my hands.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

  (971): View more from Oregon

  damnit I wish I could remember that.

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  (971): I have two black x marks on my hands. (503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here' (971): damnit I wish I could remember that. http://tfl.nu/kz4a
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  (954): View more from Florida

  i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi

  (425): View more from Washington

  hahaha how?

  (954): View more from Florida

  its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery

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  (954): i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi (425): hahaha how? (954): its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery http://tfl.nu/yw6o
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.

  (1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

  at least i was looking out for everybody

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  (403): You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone. (1-403): at least i was looking out for everybody http://tfl.nu/ilsz
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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  (240): this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday. http://tfl.nu/pumo
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.

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  (617): i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no. http://tfl.nu/n7ti
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."

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  (804): I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock." http://tfl.nu/9z32
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  (818): View more from California

  Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.

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  (818): Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical. http://tfl.nu/onyl
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.

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  (416): Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine. http://tfl.nu/wzgr
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.

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  (623): Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy. http://tfl.nu/cg4z
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  (207): View more from Maine

  hows the new call of duty?

  (1-207): View more from Maine

  I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.

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  (207): hows the new call of duty? (1-207): I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome. http://tfl.nu/zewm
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.

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  (304): Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling. http://tfl.nu/ly52
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight

  (1-905): View more from Toronto

  i totally said that

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  (905): i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight (1-905): i totally said that http://tfl.nu/40bc
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Hm. I declare blue a flavor.

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  (843): Hm. I declare blue a flavor. http://tfl.nu/1q5w
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.

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  (401): i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop. http://tfl.nu/anbh
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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  (304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.

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  (419): doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars. http://tfl.nu/h8m5
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.

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  (401): the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH. http://tfl.nu/dbk1
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  (214): View more from Texas

  dude. I'm so drunk.

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is bryce's mom

  (214): View more from Texas

  I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is still bryce's mom

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  (214): dude. I'm so drunk. (972): pete, this is bryce's mom (214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass (972): pete, this is still bryce's mom http://tfl.nu/lat0
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart

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  (912): just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart http://tfl.nu/ug8y
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius

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  (203): You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius http://tfl.nu/w3wu
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  (315): View more from New York

  He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.

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  (315): He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again. http://tfl.nu/0egr
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  (516): View more from New York

  my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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  (516): my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/m93n
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song

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  (508): i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song http://tfl.nu/g4s1
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.

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  (201): Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable. http://tfl.nu/oy8s
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.

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  (740): the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best. http://tfl.nu/5k82
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night

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  (603): i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening (508): yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night http://tfl.nu/fae5
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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  (908): did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp. http://tfl.nu/a6do
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.

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  (704): Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker. http://tfl.nu/w3ss
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  what was she crying about?

  (734): View more from Michigan

  i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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  (734): i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle. (1-734): what was she crying about? (734): i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job. http://tfl.nu/fomm
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

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  (803): The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german.... http://tfl.nu/l2d8
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car

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  (970): so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car http://tfl.nu/skxr
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Banned from zoo.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Again?

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  (240): Banned from zoo. (301): Again? http://tfl.nu/bv0w
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.

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  (773): I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader. http://tfl.nu/8khu
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

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  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
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  (805): View more from California

  Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!

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  (805): Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter! http://tfl.nu/vj10
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car

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  (339): Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car http://tfl.nu/oon7
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  (954): View more from Florida

  You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.

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  (954): You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone. http://tfl.nu/c0ys
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  so how was last night?

  (1-586): View more from Michigan

  got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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  (586): so how was last night? (1-586): got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages. http://tfl.nu/4xoa
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.

  (1-801): View more from Utah

  We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.

  (801): View more from Utah

  I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!

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  (801): I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high. (1-801): We could get him to build Inspector Gadget. (801): I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!! http://tfl.nu/5lpc
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like

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  (757): It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like http://tfl.nu/masc
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I think I'm in Tiajuana

  (404): View more from Georgia

  You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago

  (706): View more from Georgia

  I could be

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  (706): I think I'm in Tiajuana (404): You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago (706): I could be http://tfl.nu/4kta
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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  (774): Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n (617): Why am I even shocked you're doing this.... http://tfl.nu/y7yp
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  New charity walk idea!

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  (703): Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished. (202): New charity walk idea! http://tfl.nu/skxt
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  (818): View more from California

  hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win

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  (818): hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win http://tfl.nu/nyog
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

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  (229): He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him. http://tfl.nu/c2pz
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick

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  (785): whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick http://tfl.nu/3xlh
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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  (501): This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower. http://tfl.nu/hbb7
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more

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  (814): To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more http://tfl.nu/cvqr
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

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  (208): this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin" http://tfl.nu/odvv
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.

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  (570): jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along. http://tfl.nu/kf9k
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado

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  (719): 3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado http://tfl.nu/w6qi
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.

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  (602): You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy. http://tfl.nu/r33s
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  you should probably use water

  (440): View more from Ohio

  i dont have any

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  (440): do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water? (1-440): you should probably use water (440): i dont have any http://tfl.nu/eak0
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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  (440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree" http://tfl.nu/6rf6
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.

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  (847): 3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world. http://tfl.nu/xg24
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high

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  (636): I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high http://tfl.nu/wyfj
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?

  (1-250): View more from British Columbia

  tequila

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  (250): do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub? (1-250): tequila http://tfl.nu/yi12
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.

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  (214): Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas. http://tfl.nu/702a
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk

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  (352): I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk http://tfl.nu/lbo9
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Who goes to Church hungover

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

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  (302): Who goes to Church hungover (717): Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk http://tfl.nu/g7sy
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".

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  (630): You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking". http://tfl.nu/tuao
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

  (708): View more from Illinois

  We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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  (847): Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday? (708): We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us. http://tfl.nu/9z48
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  (561): View more from Florida

  You drink too much

  (1-561): View more from Florida

  No, I drink just the right amount - too often.

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  (561): You drink too much (1-561): No, I drink just the right amount - too often. http://tfl.nu/1oor
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.

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  (815): We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad. http://tfl.nu/wyhj
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  You can't date a girl from every country.

  (770): View more from Georgia

  I'm the captain planet of women

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  (678): You can't date a girl from every country. (770): I'm the captain planet of women http://tfl.nu/8wp1
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

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  (732): all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time (1-732): swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph http://tfl.nu/tobf
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high

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  (502): Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high http://tfl.nu/lasc
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS

  (210): View more from Texas

  Put my glitter back.

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  (214): Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS (210): Put my glitter back. http://tfl.nu/4pgc
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  (941): View more from Florida

  i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket

  (212): View more from New York

  Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......

  (212): View more from New York

  Really

  (941): View more from Florida

  You win

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  (941): i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket (212): Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants...... (212): Really (941): You win http://tfl.nu/2qfe
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.

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  (641): Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in. http://tfl.nu/co4b
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  (801): View more from Utah

  No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything

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  (801): No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything http://tfl.nu/rmdb
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  god i miss watching you do this...

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  (612): so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim.. (507): god i miss watching you do this... http://tfl.nu/jwsv
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn

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  (520): Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn http://tfl.nu/666p
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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  (703): Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more http://tfl.nu/zuqw
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.

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  (513): And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool. http://tfl.nu/hylh
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"

  (571): View more from Virginia

  you make me proud to be your friend

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  (703): Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe" (571): you make me proud to be your friend http://tfl.nu/nyf8
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  (206): View more from Washington

  you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."

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  (206): you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing." http://tfl.nu/7ght
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.

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  (416): he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming. http://tfl.nu/nho3
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  (850): View more from Florida

  hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

  (904): View more from Florida

  not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

  (850): View more from Florida

  i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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  (850): hey. who tried to drive me home last night? (904): not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"? (850): i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants. http://tfl.nu/wk6x
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions

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  (770): The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions http://tfl.nu/csf1
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree

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  (251): Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree http://tfl.nu/cqwy
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.

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  (732): i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry. http://tfl.nu/ss0l
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  (510): View more from California

  I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Are you high?

  (510): View more from California

  No. That's why it's odd

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  (510): I think I speak chipmunk. Odd. (702): Are you high? (510): No. That's why it's odd http://tfl.nu/ybok
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.

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  (717): I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me. http://tfl.nu/9q78
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.

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  (660): We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend. http://tfl.nu/9y0s
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  (817): View more from Texas

  What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?

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  (817): What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"? http://tfl.nu/9rca
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  (646): View more from New York

  You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

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  (646): You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward. http://tfl.nu/aqj7
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS

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  (309): I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS http://tfl.nu/kfbo
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  (631): View more from New York

  You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.

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  (631): You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk. http://tfl.nu/huyr
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  (512): View more from Texas

  i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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  (512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT. http://tfl.nu/zq8a
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.

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  (503): my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew. http://tfl.nu/fdzr
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters

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  (240): you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters http://tfl.nu/0u7p
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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  (978): Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good http://tfl.nu/k903
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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  (904): Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is. http://tfl.nu/v4zj
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home." 

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  (708): I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."  http://tfl.nu/9eb3
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  no. you can't hotbox the world.

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  (973): no. you can't hotbox the world. http://tfl.nu/5as3
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?

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  (407): i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub? http://tfl.nu/tcak
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night

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  (715): woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night http://tfl.nu/5q0r
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  (974): View more from

  You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.

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  (974): You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it. http://tfl.nu/orv6
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  (917): View more from New York City

  last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks

  (917): View more from New York City

  this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed

  (917): View more from New York City

  he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?

  (718): View more from New York

  messed up. what color are the wings?

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  (917): last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks (917): this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed (917): he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF? (718): messed up. what color are the wings? http://tfl.nu/7ui0
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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  (701): She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex. http://tfl.nu/crgk
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  (718): View more from New York

  what happened last night?

  (917): View more from New York City

  u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

  (718): View more from New York

  that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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  (718): what happened last night? (917): u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style (718): that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left http://tfl.nu/i3a9
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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  (248): You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened... http://tfl.nu/unry
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2

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  (304): alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2 http://tfl.nu/q6v7
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  (917): View more from New York City

  did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

  (914): View more from New York

  you mean faeutihaers?

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  (917): did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night? (914): you mean faeutihaers? http://tfl.nu/mcba
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  did u really fuck my little sister???

  (706): View more from Georgia

  im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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  (678): did u really fuck my little sister??? (706): im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess" http://tfl.nu/dz4c
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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  (215): Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf. http://tfl.nu/0na3
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  (408): View more from California

  When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

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  (408): When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus. http://tfl.nu/kpmf
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  (406): View more from Montana

  my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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  (406): my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute http://tfl.nu/00es
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had

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  (614): this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had http://tfl.nu/9bpx
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.

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  (504): He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life. http://tfl.nu/mz8p
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Houston, we have a problem

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  where are u?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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  (617): Houston, we have a problem (781): where are u? (617): Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here. http://tfl.nu/zyw6
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  (650): View more from California

  I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.

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  (650): I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now. http://tfl.nu/zi6o
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

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  (770): The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding http://tfl.nu/pa6f
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  (310): View more from California

  i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.

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  (310): i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin. http://tfl.nu/cawx
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  (713): View more from Texas

  on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

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  (713): on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left http://tfl.nu/gb7d
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  (805): View more from California

  An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.

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  (805): An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice. http://tfl.nu/s7hm
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

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  (706): This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules. http://tfl.nu/2gj5
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  (518): View more from New York

  All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

  (301): View more from Maryland

  OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

  (518): View more from New York

  Doritoesssssss

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  (518): All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss (301): OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with? (518): Doritoesssssss http://tfl.nu/528p
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.

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  (580): I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch. http://tfl.nu/axjt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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  (416): He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n http://tfl.nu/pe4m
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist

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  (301): dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist http://tfl.nu/26ue
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  (650): View more from California

  you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"

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  (650): you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?" http://tfl.nu/9xhm
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"

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  (519): I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position" http://tfl.nu/0g0v
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.

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  (+64): If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it. http://tfl.nu/njzt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I'm out of practice. be my yoda

  (314): View more from Missouri

  put your penis in her you must.

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  (314): doooooooo herrrrrrrrr (504): I'm out of practice. be my yoda (314): put your penis in her you must. http://tfl.nu/ti1e
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?

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  (203): I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night? http://tfl.nu/u6ad
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.

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  (865): Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010. http://tfl.nu/w6c7
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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  (609): i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt http://tfl.nu/t4r8
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  (562): View more from California

  tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will

  (714): View more from California

  and a girl gets the red ring of death every month

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  (562): tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will (714): and a girl gets the red ring of death every month http://tfl.nu/ybz8
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  everybody makes mistakes

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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  (630): everybody makes mistakes (1-630): i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances http://tfl.nu/cihb
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  (407): View more from Florida

  tod's in jail

  (863): View more from Florida

  he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.

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  (407): tod's in jail (863): he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am. http://tfl.nu/355g
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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  (732): you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy." http://tfl.nu/a1we
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record

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  (978): I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record http://tfl.nu/cq61
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

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  (517): The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came http://tfl.nu/4ft9
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  (408): View more from California

  I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.

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  (408): I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level. http://tfl.nu/k6hr
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  (909): View more from California

  so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.

  (1-909): View more from California

  I worship thee.

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  (909): so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed. (1-909): I worship thee. http://tfl.nu/jd00
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.

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  (413): the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings. http://tfl.nu/xbcs
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
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  (212): View more from New York

  Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods

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  (212): Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods http://tfl.nu/urut
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  (850): View more from Florida

  You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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  (850): You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus. http://tfl.nu/vr5q
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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  (513): Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud. http://tfl.nu/fmdm
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning

  (1-413): View more from Massachusetts

  More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I wish i could be there for it

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  (413): Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning (1-413): More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub (413): I wish i could be there for it http://tfl.nu/f5kk
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...

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  (205): The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country... http://tfl.nu/c11y
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  (936): View more from Texas

  Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.

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  (936): Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy. http://tfl.nu/jygh
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  (530): View more from California

  I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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  (530): I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite http://tfl.nu/1k7e
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  nevermind....I'm on the way

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  (814): dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high (808): worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave (814): nevermind....I'm on the way http://tfl.nu/dzeu
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.

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  (651): So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure. http://tfl.nu/i2sm
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  (418): View more from Quebec

  You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

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  (418): You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry" http://tfl.nu/nwle
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  how much adderall did you take today?

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  (215): a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted (1-215): how much adderall did you take today? http://tfl.nu/wkg3
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.

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  (440): Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan. http://tfl.nu/6sdz
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?

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  (214): Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us? http://tfl.nu/e7z7
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Rock

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Scissors

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Fuck

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  (847): Rock (630): Scissors (630): Fuck http://tfl.nu/tdxv
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.

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  (630): He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins. http://tfl.nu/5ao1
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever

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  (847): stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever http://tfl.nu/se2n
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  (909): View more from California

  why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?

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  (909): why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"? http://tfl.nu/si77
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

  (1-269): View more from Michigan

  Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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  (269): So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow (1-269): Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10 http://tfl.nu/n472
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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  (337): Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning. http://tfl.nu/g9g5
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..

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  (870): I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance.. http://tfl.nu/o07j
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  (817): View more from Texas

  what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?

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  (817): what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!? http://tfl.nu/lfzq
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.

  (773): View more from Illinois

  You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal

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  (312): Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight. (773): You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal http://tfl.nu/9vmu
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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  (281): Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle. http://tfl.nu/lbmt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store

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  (804): I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store http://tfl.nu/eac9
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.

  (1-616): View more from Michigan

  does that include her cleaning your bowl?

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  (616): my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave. (1-616): does that include her cleaning your bowl? http://tfl.nu/8sts
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  fuck the hobbit

  (301): View more from Maryland

  what about unicorns?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  fuck those pointy horses

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  (732): fuck the hobbit (301): what about unicorns? (732): fuck those pointy horses http://tfl.nu/k7om
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.

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  (337): I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week. http://tfl.nu/rnvn
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am

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  (513): Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am http://tfl.nu/6qjs
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.

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  (404): They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans. http://tfl.nu/hk9w
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?

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  (901): How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games? http://tfl.nu/94zu
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  what drugs are you on?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later

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  (404): I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles! (1-404): what drugs are you on? (404): none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later http://tfl.nu/mtfu
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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  (575): The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order" http://tfl.nu/htwe
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  yes. helicopter.

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  (630): wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back? (816): yes. helicopter. http://tfl.nu/re1i
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

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  (919): Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool (252): Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five http://tfl.nu/6bci
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain

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  (301): You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain http://tfl.nu/26nd
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  dude why did you let me call her?!

  (1-803): View more from South Carolina

  i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...

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  (803): dude why did you let me call her?! (1-803): i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation... http://tfl.nu/4h0w
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

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  (630): The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking. http://tfl.nu/uq3n
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  God I fucking love America.

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  (513): NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016... (1-513): God I fucking love America. http://tfl.nu/eses
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.

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  (703): no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing. http://tfl.nu/bnv5
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  (727): View more from Florida

  And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..

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  (727): And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%.. http://tfl.nu/d4bk
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

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  (727): Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore" http://tfl.nu/cs3y
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.

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  (205): Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high. http://tfl.nu/wyb4
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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  (617): When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner. http://tfl.nu/g7ai
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  (818): View more from California

  Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?

  (213): View more from California

  Ya ya. Where you eating?

  (818): View more from California

  Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.

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  (818): Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out? (213): Ya ya. Where you eating? (818): Cereal and beer. U kno u want in. http://tfl.nu/3o1u
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  (389): View more from

  So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"

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  (389): So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut" http://tfl.nu/g5tq
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  (925): View more from California

  This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class

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  (925): This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class http://tfl.nu/1wvn
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"

  (785): View more from Kansas

  you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?

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  (620): my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!" (785): you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me? http://tfl.nu/e8og
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?

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  (270): Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house? http://tfl.nu/tnd3
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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  (312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. http://tfl.nu/sr4z
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  (415): View more from California

  Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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  (415): Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting. http://tfl.nu/yl2c
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.

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  (913): Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go. http://tfl.nu/47sp
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  (646): View more from New York

  party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.

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  (646): party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record. http://tfl.nu/hgn7
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  (415): View more from California

  I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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  (415): I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?" http://tfl.nu/fnwu
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party

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  (647): Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party http://tfl.nu/47pk
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars

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  (404): Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably (1-404): No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars http://tfl.nu/q62q
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win

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  (702): Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win http://tfl.nu/7mt0
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  (713): View more from Texas

  woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night

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  (713): woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night http://tfl.nu/ddwb
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  (956): View more from Texas

  Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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  (956): Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..." http://tfl.nu/geex
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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  (517): I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity... http://tfl.nu/ueq6
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

  (1-225): View more from Louisiana

  whats a bus flip?

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  idk but apparently i invented it

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  (225): i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip (1-225): whats a bus flip? (225): idk but apparently i invented it http://tfl.nu/n87k
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  (972): View more from Texas

  You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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  (972): You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry" http://tfl.nu/fk1l
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US

  (703): View more from Virginia

  It's the American dream

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  (202): On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US (703): It's the American dream http://tfl.nu/z0hb
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.

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  (317): I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account. http://tfl.nu/ui6k
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  (917): View more from New York City

  im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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  (917): im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out http://tfl.nu/fsk9
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.

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  (803): What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible. http://tfl.nu/1wu4
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.

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  (504): Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to. http://tfl.nu/jn1k
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?

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  (513): Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week? http://tfl.nu/8ecy
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup

  (303): View more from Colorado

  now he is talking to a potato

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  (303): these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup (303): now he is talking to a potato http://tfl.nu/8rlu
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  (518): View more from New York

  Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.

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  (518): Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes. http://tfl.nu/f3k6
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  (214): View more from Texas

  i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  oh fuck your right

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  (214): i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can. (1-214): oh fuck your right http://tfl.nu/6rmf
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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  (954): I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza http://tfl.nu/fivz
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.

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  (952): he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does. http://tfl.nu/uw0a
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.

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  (410): i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are. http://tfl.nu/befb
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  (925): View more from California

  2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.

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  (925): 2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing. http://tfl.nu/jq9y
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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  (774): It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God. http://tfl.nu/c3gg
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm drunk

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Is that why you're texting me

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Yes

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  (405): I'm drunk (615): Is that why you're texting me (405): Yes http://tfl.nu/5xy8
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.

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  (517): I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high. http://tfl.nu/trcx
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Toaster

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  (319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm
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  (585): View more from New York

  he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?

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  (585): he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is? http://tfl.nu/uyol
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot

  (313): View more from Michigan

  He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all

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  (313): I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot (313): He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all http://tfl.nu/6st3
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk

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  (571): it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk http://tfl.nu/mdkh
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.

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  (202): My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation. http://tfl.nu/z4sr
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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  (410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero http://tfl.nu/4z5t
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I see lights

  (512): View more from Texas

  Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.

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  (254): I see lights (512): Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home. http://tfl.nu/1708
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Playoffs. This shit is serious.

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  (248): We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight. (440): I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over. (248): Playoffs. This shit is serious. http://tfl.nu/txqi
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week

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  (248): You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week http://tfl.nu/vksd
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  (253): View more from Washington

  The pine trees are waving at me.

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Put the pipe down honey.

  (253): View more from Washington

  Hi trees.

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  (253): The pine trees are waving at me. (907): Put the pipe down honey. (253): Hi trees. http://tfl.nu/6b23
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers

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  (615): i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers http://tfl.nu/7wrv
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  (914): View more from New York

  Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

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  (914): Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way. http://tfl.nu/3diq
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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  (563): Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade http://tfl.nu/sv7y
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was

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  (402): All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was http://tfl.nu/p0yn
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  (954): View more from Florida

  What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?

  (904): View more from Florida

  Both

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  (954): What are you talking about? And how drunk are you? (904): Both http://tfl.nu/7q6w
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.

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  (206): I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log. http://tfl.nu/ft0h
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  (917): View more from New York City

  well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'

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  (917): well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv' http://tfl.nu/bicf
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  (530): View more from California

  you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"

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  (530): you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars" http://tfl.nu/ujcf
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?

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  (847): as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning? http://tfl.nu/weqo
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  (518): View more from New York

  I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.

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  (518): I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room. http://tfl.nu/qe4u
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  (530): View more from California

  There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.

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  (530): There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool. http://tfl.nu/gbzx
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.

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  (814): shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step. http://tfl.nu/6g1i
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.

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  (208): I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age. http://tfl.nu/hp0x
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  (415): View more from California

  So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.

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  (415): So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie. http://tfl.nu/1hr1
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  (661): View more from California

  I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.

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  (661): I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle. http://tfl.nu/l8mr
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......

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  (571): how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days...... http://tfl.nu/e1u4
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  (650): View more from California

  I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.

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  (650): I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs. http://tfl.nu/bo8w
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am

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  (224): I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am http://tfl.nu/o84u
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  (516): View more from New York

  I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory

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  (516): I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory http://tfl.nu/t9t2
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

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  (832): We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College." http://tfl.nu/3hlg
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it

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  (732): yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it http://tfl.nu/reim
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  (818): View more from California

  Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...

  (714): View more from California

  Didn't you just get a DUI last week?

  (818): View more from California

  Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it

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  (818): Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong... (714): Didn't you just get a DUI last week? (818): Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it http://tfl.nu/by7p
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  (661): View more from California

  I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.

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  (661): I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is. http://tfl.nu/de6o
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

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  (905): The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty. http://tfl.nu/9wi8
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  (916): View more from California

  day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

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  (916): day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome. http://tfl.nu/5c0j
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

  (1-972): View more from Texas

  I want to be a cop.

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  (972): I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party. (1-972): I want to be a cop. http://tfl.nu/ucz6
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  (607): View more from New York

  he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him

  (313): View more from Michigan

  at least he gets points for a creative booty call

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  (607): he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him (313): at least he gets points for a creative booty call http://tfl.nu/28qp
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair

  (573): View more from Missouri

  Found more tequila

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  (573): I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair (573): Found more tequila http://tfl.nu/cg6k
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  (607): View more from New York

  Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

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  (607): Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high http://tfl.nu/24mk
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  and I must say, you were very persuasive

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  (303): you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight. (303): and I must say, you were very persuasive http://tfl.nu/e18p
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

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  (573): dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one http://tfl.nu/jlbe
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.

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  (931): drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes. http://tfl.nu/1e3m
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

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  (208): The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?" http://tfl.nu/toa2
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode

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  (610): I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode http://tfl.nu/uv7a
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend

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  (678): Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend http://tfl.nu/u7rd
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  (408): View more from California

  They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.

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  (408): They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald. http://tfl.nu/krtp
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  (516): View more from New York

  sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.

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  (516): sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it. http://tfl.nu/pgco
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  (925): View more from California

  so explain again why im purple

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  no

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  (925): so explain again why im purple (617): no http://tfl.nu/yipi
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine

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  (913): took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine http://tfl.nu/51sq
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  like it was yesterday

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  (240): Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra? (732): like it was yesterday http://tfl.nu/1org
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser

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  (313): you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser http://tfl.nu/1hpm
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat

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  (816): you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat http://tfl.nu/j8dy
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  (407): View more from Florida

  this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

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  (407): this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god. http://tfl.nu/34d8
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

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  (250): He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock... http://tfl.nu/tura
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  (845): View more from New York

  8:17pm: So, How was fun day?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success

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  (845) 8:17pm: So, How was fun day? (201) 1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success http://tfl.nu/xkzo
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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  (208): Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly. http://tfl.nu/sulv
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.

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  (206): I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers. http://tfl.nu/k6c6
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

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  (508): you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water http://tfl.nu/opqy
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it

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  (502): if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it http://tfl.nu/pt50
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.

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  (405): You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow. http://tfl.nu/0l2h
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  the red head has a bf

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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  (843): the red head has a bf (1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score http://tfl.nu/bdta
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.

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  (901): I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort. http://tfl.nu/dcm6
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian

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  (613): My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian http://tfl.nu/6wog
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.

  (573): View more from Missouri

  Successful day.

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  (512): I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave. (573): Successful day. http://tfl.nu/6nom
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules

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  (917): I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules http://tfl.nu/muds
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.

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  (610): he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted. http://tfl.nu/laiq
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  dude, osama threatened the US again

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  dude. i slept with your sister last night

  (847): View more from Illinois

  what?

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news

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  (847): dude, osama threatened the US again (1-847): dude. i slept with your sister last night (847): what? (1-847) I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news http://tfl.nu/r4dc
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  ...is it true? will i see you next weekend

  (248): View more from Michigan

  YES.

  (614): View more from Ohio

  ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us

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  (614): ...is it true? will i see you next weekend (248): YES. (614): ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us http://tfl.nu/m1xt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.

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  (254): just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night. http://tfl.nu/wct2
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...

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  (303): Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water... http://tfl.nu/8ncn
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.

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  (603): Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror. http://tfl.nu/is4s
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
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  (925): View more from California

  I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.

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  (925): I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder. http://tfl.nu/ta5a
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.

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  (816): About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money. http://tfl.nu/foav
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver

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  (313): Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink (313): Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver http://tfl.nu/lqre
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.

  (417): View more from Missouri

  I'm going for alcohol poisoning.

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  (816): I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight. (417): I'm going for alcohol poisoning. http://tfl.nu/l0is
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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  (978): i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf http://tfl.nu/hwzk
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  (352): View more from Florida

  You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.

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  (352): You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem. http://tfl.nu/rwe9
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.

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  (778): I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm. http://tfl.nu/ttig
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  How drunk are you??

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I'm flawless.

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  (860): How drunk are you?? (732): I'm flawless. http://tfl.nu/mygo
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  (801): View more from Utah

  The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance

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  (801): The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance http://tfl.nu/4nxj
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.

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  (603): all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter. http://tfl.nu/9v6o
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  (916): View more from California

  I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

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  (916): I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one... http://tfl.nu/z7kq
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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  (732): come over i need a lifeguard for my shower http://tfl.nu/1qns
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  (408): View more from California

  Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people

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  (408): Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people http://tfl.nu/thju
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...

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  (386): Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland... http://tfl.nu/taw4
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  (817): View more from Texas

  All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

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  (817): All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning http://tfl.nu/qcnv
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  (714): View more from California

  we're chasing vodka with high fives

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  (714): we're chasing vodka with high fives http://tfl.nu/2m9s
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  (310): View more from California

  Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.

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  (310): Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist. http://tfl.nu/cj2p
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life

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  (267): while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life http://tfl.nu/pj1v
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad

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  (970): Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad http://tfl.nu/podg
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.

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  (610): i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window. http://tfl.nu/q9w7
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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  (256): you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!" http://tfl.nu/8xfk
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.

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  (360): I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink. http://tfl.nu/xse5
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

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  (912): There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up. http://tfl.nu/juwj
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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  (304): I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God." http://tfl.nu/1oy5
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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  (505): Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse. http://tfl.nu/nlhf
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.

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  (734): i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left. http://tfl.nu/94x2
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I can't find my pants or my car

  (813): View more from Florida

  I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...

  (561): View more from Florida

  ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.

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  (813): I can't find my pants or my car (813): I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell... (561): ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal. http://tfl.nu/nq8v
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  (516): View more from New York

  Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.

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  (516): Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America. http://tfl.nu/zzy7
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  (361): View more from Texas

  What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?

  (1-361): View more from Texas

  These are the tickets we got last night.

  (361): View more from Texas

  Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?

  (1-361): View more from Texas

  Yes...yes you did.

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  (361): What are these yellow papers in the kitchen? (1-361): These are the tickets we got last night. (361): Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear? (1-361): Yes...yes you did. http://tfl.nu/myva
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  (915): View more from Texas

  like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on

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  (915): like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on http://tfl.nu/aizw
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  (716): View more from New York

  who do you think you are?

  (407): View more from Florida

  someone who doesn't ask that question

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  (716): who do you think you are? (407): someone who doesn't ask that question http://tfl.nu/uw7n
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet

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  (708): he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet http://tfl.nu/enn5
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  So you threw a sword at me last night

  (419): View more from Ohio

  I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.

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  (440): So you threw a sword at me last night (419): I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised. http://tfl.nu/6fwc
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  To a 70 year old lady?!

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  (508): Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face" (774): To a 70 year old lady?! http://tfl.nu/99j2
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it

  (586): View more from Michigan

  We did he did.

  (586): View more from Michigan

  When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers

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  (586): Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it (586): We did he did. (586): When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers http://tfl.nu/dzfm
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"

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  (870): You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call" http://tfl.nu/7z02
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

  (718): View more from New York

  pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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  (203): there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them (718): pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed http://tfl.nu/7id4
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