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I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I CAN MOONWALK!
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I faked an abortion last night.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Non-Jews are for practice
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just threw up on my dentist
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
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