Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
we're making bets on your personal life
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
it glows. i had to have it.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Actions speak louder than pants.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Dignity is for republicans.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
vagina is talking i cant
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
it's like iHOP with fire
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
sarcasm needs its own font
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
two words: eviction party
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Follow @tfln
Cracked IndieClick Humor