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we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Life is so much better after having sex.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Watching her eat just hurts me
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
he fucked my hip out of place.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
it glows. i had to have it.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I think I won the penis lottery.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Quick, to the slutcave!
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
birth control should be required to get into college
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
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