So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
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