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No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
it glows. i had to have it.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
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