And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
