Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I think I died a long time ago.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
her vagine was all disorganized.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
oh god the rape fog is back!
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Don't make out with my wife yet
After last night, I could never be a politician.
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