this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
let's call it "werewolfing"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
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