Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
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I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
ugly people sure do ruin things
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
It's a yes or no question.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
handjob tips. give me some.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
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