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He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
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